The Princess and the Frog

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG - Kawai's Xmas gift pick. Disney affirmative action movie focusing on New Orleans instead of those lazy Hawaiians (LILO AND STITCH). Wasn't bad. Wasn't good either. At times, I felt like I was sitting and watching my Wifey play ball against all them Hickam Amazon sistahs, and all their husbands were cheering them on and speaking in a language unfamiliar to most non-Blacks. I felt like I was at a family barbecue...in POETIC JUSTICE. Hilarious stuff. Nah, in all seriousness, the movie was okay and had its moments, but I don't know how kids enjoyed it very much. Definitely, an original, more colorful (sorry) take on the original fairy tale story. Whatever you think this fairy tale should look like, just visualize it in a swamp with Lil' Wayne rapping, and you have this movie. Gotta give Disney credit for swinging for the fences on this one...

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKQUEL - Better than the above movie only because it made us laugh more. Felt like I've seen this before. Let me see...THREE STOOGES? No. Let me think...oh, I know. Reminds me of that one show where that bitchy blonde girl was left with 8 rugrats 'cause their Korean daddy needed to diddle the plastic surgeon's daughter. Aaden, Joel, and Collin. Yeah, that's it. What always amazes me is that no matter how irritating their voices are, the three-part harmony is perfect. My parents used to play the Chipmunks' Christmas album every year. Don't ask me why. I miss those days. This was Kahia's Xmas pick, so they both already used up their personalized Xmas coupons made by their hot, creative mommy. In the movie, they also introduced this new, all-girl chipmunk group called "Chippendales" or something like that. Trying to pile on the cutesy, I guess. Worked for Kahia. I think he was checking them out...


More movies coming. I know you can't wait...

A Perfect Getaway

IMAGINE THAT - Eddie Murphy at his Disney best. Funny how all the smart actors hit the family movies hard 'cause that's where the money is. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson seems to be doing it with a passion lately. Pu$$y. Just kidding. Imagine That was your basic cutesy, father-learns-to-spend-time-with-daughter movie that worked surprisingly well. The black girl was cute, so that helped. No, I'm not saying that black girls aren't cute. Stop being racist, you monkey! Eddie danced and sang his way through it and we got that usual Disney moral at the end of the story. Pretty good family movie. Clean, in fact. Can't believe he made RAW and DELIRIOUS...

EXTRACT - Dysfunctional comedy starring Ben Affleck, Mila Kunis, and Jason Bateman. Pretty amusing. We like this kinda offbeat movie, though. Mila Kunis is kinda growing on me. Or maybe something's just growing in my pants. I think the guy who did OFFICE SPACE did this, so however you felt about that is how you should judge this movie...

DISTRICT 9 - Holy $hit!! I usually don't like sci-fi movies like Deena's dad, but this one was the $hit! In fact, that might've been the most entertaining, well-made, original sci-fi movie I've ever seen! I can see why critics liked it. I can see why a lot of people flocked to watch it. Excellent movie. Thoughtful concept. We recommend it. Very, very interesting, to say the least. Definitely worth the time to watch it...

BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF - That Asianish IRON CHEF "Ala Cuisine!!" host was one of the main characters. That should have been a dead giveaway as to how good the movie was gonna be. The movie was quite long and in subtitles, so we were hoping for the best. Boy, were we disappointed. Payoff in the end was definitely not worth it. Kung Fu was weak. Special effects were ever worse. No food. The wolf seemed straight out of THE VILLAGE. Girl wasn't even cute. How dare they!! Don't know why it was rated so high by a lot of people. Maybe the French invaded all the reviews. Maybe Iron Chef has its influence everywhere...

A PERFECT GETAWAY - If you're on that one-movie plan, rent this movie! Okay, maybe not. Too much responsibility, if it bombs. But it won't. Seriously, one of the better movies we've seen in awhile. Plus, it was in Hawaii. A perfect beach thriller with all the right suspense, just enough humor, and even a fitting less-than-two-hours time duration on it. The less I tell you the better. Want to get away? Rent this movie!! We highly recommend this one for all you thriller-lovers...


Breaks over. Lingle sucks butchy a$$. Happy New Year!!

Angels and Demons

ANGELS AND DEMONS - Maybe we're just suckers for conspiracy and the provocative, but we liked this movie. All this historical fiction stuff seems believable enough to us. How can somebody just make ALL of this stuff up? Not to be all blasphemous, but isn't his stuff just like religion itself where the believers believe and the non-believers don't? About as good or better than the first Dan Brown-adapted movie. Kept our attention. Intriguing. Entertaining. Reading his new book now...

FUNNY PEOPLE - I'm beginning to think that Adam Sandler is smarter than he is goofy. I always like his movies. Well, for the most part. I actually think that he's a better actor than people give him credit for. His acting ability and charisma is what separates him from, say, Chris Rock. I find Leslie Mann (Apatow's wife) to be somewhat attractive. Yeah, I have a thing for smart, funny, attractive women. Check my wife. Seth Rogen was in this. Hilarious and endearing, as usual. And slimmer. Eric Bana was there for his accent and eye candy for the women. He was surprisingly pretty funny, too. That funny, fat White guy with the afro was in it, too. He's been everywhere lately. All in all, the usual Apatow formula. Dysfunction, raunch, humor, and heart. We like that mix. Probably live that mix...

OBSERVE AND REPORT - Seth Rogen and Anna Faris and her big t!tt!es. Couldn't help but notice them. I was a bit offended. Okay, not really. She sounds and looks like someone who works at our school. Hmmm... This movie was a kinda sick, dark comedy. And so, of course, I liked it. It was like PAUL BLART: MALL COP on steroids. The kinda movie where you can't believe they actually said "this and that" there or beat the $hit outta this person in that scene or threw in an over-the-top raunchy moment right in the middle of this scene. Obviously, unpredictability is my cup of tea, so I enjoyed this one. If you don't drink tea and only like to teabag, (hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr!) you might wanna stay clear of this one, though...

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2 - Sooooooo gooooooood that everyone fell asleep, except me. Interesting learning a little bit about history, but not as good as the first one. More known actors involved. I kinda like Amy Adams' acting. Some funny parts, but I can't see how this is a kids' movie. Probably why they fell asleep. Felt like I was watching TRANSFORMERS 2 where they busted out even more new characters to spice it up, but then the audience has too many people to keep track of, which actually waters down the movie a bit. Or maybe I'm just retarded. They sure could've used Megan Fox, though. Maybe as Cleopatra or Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. Just dropping some knowledge on you. That's how I roll...

THE COVE - This was a documentary about them sneaky Nips who actually have a secret cove in a small, out-in-the-boonies town where they slaughter dolphins by the thousands (not exaggerating) to make money for their country. Crazy disturbing to the point where you're wondering how they get away with this $hit. This one Flipper dude has been trying for years to put a stop to this madness to no avail. Greed makes people turn the other way, I guess. One of the better documentaries I've seen in awhile. Those sneaky Nips. Better check your Genki Sushi...


Pretty good movies this time around. Gotta make use of my Furlough Fridays...

New Moon

THE UGLY TRUTH - My kinda movie. Romantic comedy that brutally talks about relationship truths. Men are from Mars, Girls are from their anus. We really enjoyed this one. Katherine Heigl is attractive in a whole-package kinda way. Gerard Butler is one cool dude. He's like the White Will Smith. His character was classic. Similar to HITCH now that I think of it. Kinda. Although the movie's pretty predictable, the ride's still pretty entertaining and fun. Great date movie. Great date with the Wifey...

BRUNO - Like BORAT, but believe it or not, more crudeness and awkwardly funny sex scenes. The guy's a genius. Really pushes the envelope of comedy. Gotta really wonder how real it is. Basically, fun to watch because the joke's really on the people that are actually in the movie. Found myself cracking up throughout. How does he not get his a$$ kicked?

STAR TREK - This ain't yo Daddy's Star Trek!! Really? But, did you see STAR WARS? Then, you've seen this movie, too...

NEW MOON - First of all, the movie wasn't that bad. Was it as good as the first one? About the same, I guess. Menage a trois romance gift-wrapped in some bestiality action. Entertaining enough, I suppose. What I couldn't stand about the movie was the cheesy, breathy dialogue. You know when actors try doing that sexy voice all breathing down each other's necks like that's supposed to project passion and restraint all rolled into one? I find that ridiculously funny most of the time. Who talks like that? They don't even do that in porn. Or so I've heard. Every scene with that slut and either guy reminded me of every Queen Amidala/Anakin Skywalker scene in ATTACK OF THE CLONES. The writer should be shot. Also, the Cullens' dad looks like Corey Feldman and Tom Cruise's love child. And also, my wife's a perv for checking out that underaged lupine. And furthermore, the real appeal of the TWILIGHT series is that all girls want to have two guys at the same time. And finally, a Mormon had to write these books 'cause only they could understand the yearning and longing associated with not ooofing and the implications of polygamy...

DISTRICT B13 - Some ignorant, illiterate guy who works with delinquents at our school recommended this to me and it was surprisingly pretty damn good. I was impressed. And, the movie wasn't that long either. If you took Matt Damon from the BOURNE series and taught him some Jackie Chan street stunts, you'd get an idea of the stylized action in this film. Amazing stuff. Felt like I was watching ONG BAK with French guys in it. Even the story was pretty original. Could see them really doing this kinda sketchy stuff in the future. They should do it now. Drop a bomb on certain areas to save everybody else. It was like a kung fu movie with no Asians. I guess it was like a better Steven Seagal movie with graceful runners...


Wow. Been watching some damn good movies lately. Think I got Netflix all figured out. Gotta keep 'em coming. That's what she said...

Where the Wild Things Are

G.I. JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA - This movie sucked some major a$$!! And now that you know, knowing is half the battle. Don't watch this $hitty-a$$ movie. I don't think I've ever seen a blockbuster movie this bad. At least TRANSFORMERS 2 had Megan Fox to save it...

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE - This movie was...well, let's say, "different". I liked it. Deena loooooovvvvved it. The kids were laughing AND crying throughout. Pretty interesting movie. I've never read the kids book, so I can't compare, but the movie was entertaining, deep, and somewhat strange. The only negative parts were in the middle where I couldn't figure out where the story was going or what lesson they were trying to teach the kids. In fact, this is where I was kinda disturbed because there were so many kids in attendance. I wouldn't necessarily classify this as a kids movie. Too deep. Too violent, at times. A lot of wild, misbehaving going on. Check the title. The furry animals appeal to little kids and the heartwarming story will make them cry, but the journey might be a little too much for their little brains to wrap around. Nevertheless, everybody liked it. They damn well better for the price we paid to watch it in the theaters...

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 - Alas, an excellent, caperish, thriller movie. Two accomplished actors. Intriguing plot. Add NY as the backdrop. Mix. Stir. Shake. Blend. Everybody goes home happy. Does Denzel ever make a bad movie? Wifey liked Travolta's bad-boy look. He should thank Quentin Tarantino for his career. Have you ever seen Denzel's wife? Seriously, rent this one. Solid, entertaining movie...

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY - $hhhhhhiiiiiiiiiittttttt!!!! Hey, why don't you guys all give me $7, and then, I'll take it, wipe my a$$ with it, rip it up, and flush it down the toilet. Sorry, guys. My bad. Thought it would be scarier. Thought it would be more entertaining. Thought you guys wouldn't get sick. I didn't know this was a comedy. I've been more afraid walking outside to take out the trash at night. I've been more afraid waking up in the middle of the night to take a piss. I've been more afraid going to work each day dealing with stupid kids. I think the real, scary thing is how much money this guy made taking his homemade video to the big screen...

IP MAN - Great movie. Wow. Hard to breathe life into an overdone genre, but this movie succeeds in doing so. Thanks, Leish! Excellent fighting sequences. I felt like Steven Seagal crashed some Wing Chun party, but thankfully didn't run. Threw in some Sino-Japanese history in the second half. Do the Chinese have an inferiority complex? Bruce Lee always had to kick some Nip a$$ in his movies, too, right? Donnie Yen is like the Rajon Rondo of Chinese martial artists. No matter what, can't break into the top three or four. This movie was so good, I'd watch it again. Got any more like that, Leish?


They should make a movie on how stupid kids are nowadays. They should make a movie on the deterioration of society and how the world is going to $hit. They should make a movie on how kids feel entitled, and how they feel we don't help them at all because we expect them to actually do things for themselves once in awhile. Lezzie Lingle should star in it and they can start filming in my classroom on Furlough Fridays...

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN - Cue Megan Fox. Bend over. Show some cleavage. Bat your eyelashes. Lick your lips. Use your sexy voice. Toss your hair around. Toss your salad. And...have some heavy machinery run and explode around her. Good enough for me...

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE - I liked this movie. Something about seeing superheroes fight and learning a little about their background always gets my attention. If only Megan Fox could've been in it...

ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS - Watched this with Lil' Miss Kawai. (Kahia was too busy UFC-fighting his mom about his homework.) She was laughing throughout. And telling me she's feeling like she's watching the movie all alone because, heaven forbid, I DON'T like to talk while I'm busy trying to WATCH a movie. Like the other Ice Age movies were, this one was good and cutesy, too. Watch it with Kawai's narration, and it'll seem a little funnier, too...

ASTRO BOY - Date with Kawai. Other than the fact that she liked the movie, this movie was terrible. Felt like I was watching a space-age PINNOCHIO. Or an animated A.I. Must be spoiled with too many Pixar flicks. Ice Age might've spoiled me, too. On a side note, Kawai had to go to the bathroom three times in five minutes at the theater 'cause she's a liar-liar-pants-on-fire...

HALLOWEEN - Yup, the original. Watched it on, yup, Halloween. Didn't seem as scary as when I was younger. Didn't watch the whole thing 'till now. Sure had a lot of teenagers trying to ooof in this one. Except Jamie Lee Curtis. That's where they went wrong. Believe it or not, wouldn't mind watching all the Halloween's eventually...


Check out all the colon'd movies above. What a coincidence. Probably need a colonoscopy on my next birthday. What a coincidence...

Fighting

OLDBOY - Finally completed the f@cked-up Korean revenge trilogy (LADY VENGEANCE, SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE). This one might've been the craziest. Twisted $hit!! Yes, I still liked it. Yes, I found it disturbing, but couldn't turn away. And yes, can't wait for this guy's next movie...

WILLOW - Had to take one on the chin for the kids. Had to watch Val Kilmer when he was young. Had to watch some midget who looked like Verne Troyer when he was young. Felt like I was watching PRINCESS BRIDE...except that it was pretty good...

FIGHTING - Terrence Howard. Channing Tatum. Kolohe Slice. Street fighting film to take advantage of MMA's popularity now. Actually, not bad. Channing Tatum film to take advantage of my wife. She'd like that. Have to say that other than Joe-Joe 1/2Man, 1/2Amazing, he's probably the go-to White guy right now in terms of hip, Wigga movies...

DRAG ME TO HELL - What a letdown. Critics said this movie was supposed to be good and scary. We found it pretty boring and predictable. It was so $hitty, my wife didn't get scared at all. No arm-grabbing, cuddling foreplay for me. Boo!

LAND OF THE LOST - This might've been, perhaps, one of the $hittiest movies I've seen, like, EVER!! Wow. Will Ferrell and Danny McBride had their moments. The unknown female lead even had a pretty passable, nice body, but yet, it still sucked some major a$$! Sometimes you gotta wonder if directors are smoking some crack while they're editing the movie...


Short and sweet. Seen a lot of movies lately. More to come...

The Last House on the Left

SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE - Crazy kim chee Korean movie about revenge. Pretty sick, but somehow entertaining stuff. I often wonder how people can be so demented. Kinda scary. Any one of those meat jun-selling Yobos could whip out a knife and stab you in the eye. I actually think that the moral of this movie was that seeking revenge against somebody isn't all that it's cut out to be. Not only was the violence crazy, but there was a sex scene which kinda turned me on...I mean, off. Can't fault this movie for taking vengeance to a whole new sick level...

LADY VENGEANCE - Guess who directed this crazy-a$$ movie? You guessed it. Same 'ol Daniel Dae Kim-ish dude. Check the review above. And you thought the last movie was sick. This is like a sequel, but not really. Same theme. Same director. The final installment of his revenge trilogy. OLDBOY is the middle one that I haven't seen yet. I heard that it's the nastiest one of the three. Anyway, Lady Vengeance upped the SAW factor that was introduced in the first movie. Again, I don't know how this guy comes up with this stuff. The messed-up thing is I know some of these ideas exist in the back, dark recesses of everyone's minds. You sick f@cks!! I know if I feel cheated, I sometimes want justice in the worst way. Just saying. I highly recommend both movies...

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT - What's wrong with us? We might as well go watch a stoning. Another sick, horror flick. Another guilty pleasure. Hey...this movie was about revenge, too. Didn't mean to go on a revenge binge. Just happened that way. Who's offended me lately? Better watch your a$$!! Great movie. The kind where you're a little embarrassed cheering for the heroes to kill the bad guys. What's wrong with cheering for the good guys, right? Scary thing is that what happens in this movie could happen to anybody. Might've been even based on a true story. I can't remember. Another recommend for the truly perverse...

ADVENTURELAND - Ryan Reynolds. That TWILIGHT girl was in it, too. A coming-of-age 80's movie about growing up, dating, rumors, and what happens when you hang out with and ooof the people that you work with. This was an independent flick, and I loved the whole vibe of it. Feels like what really goes on when you start working in your teenage/college years. The whole theme park atmosphere was a plus, too. You get the whole back-story on some of the characters, which makes you realize that, like in real life, you never know what the hell's going on in someone's life that makes them the way they are. Once in awhile, gotta go for the mature, artsy, character-study flick. And this one was smart and funny to boot...

I LOVE YOU, MAN - Beautiful was laughing her a$$ off at this one. Paul Rudd. Jason Segel (the hilarious guy with the frontal nudity in FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL). Rashida Jones (who my wife had to, for some reason, identify as Quincy Jones' daughter). It's about this guy who's getting married who doesn't really have any male friends. Rudd plays the part to perfection, complete with fake-male-machismo. Awkwardly, funny stuff. Ever thought how hard it would be to be a guys' guy if it didn't come naturally to you? I mean, without being like a full-blown f@g? I think that a lot of things guys take for granted that are unique to our gender are explored in this movie in a comedic way. Pretty humorous $hit. Had a good laugh. Had a good time with my wife. Light, entertaining movie. Very relaxing. The kind I like, but haven't seen in awhile...


All five movies were good. I give it a full fist up...your bush...power to the people...

Obsessed

HOT FUZZ - Been watching a lot of British comedy lately, what with RUN, FATBOY, RUN and the HARRY POTTER movies tickling my fancy. That's what she said. Hot Fuzz stars the same witty Brit from the Fatboy movie, Simon Pegg. That guy's a hilarious chap. Maybe you won't think so, but that guy cracks me up for some reason. This movie's about an incorrigible, big-time city (London) cop who gets transferred to the countryside where there's absolutely no crime. That doesn't stop him from enforcing his brand of justice though. This is where the humor lies. An anal bobby with nothing to do? Well, alright, then. There's also a lot of cop-movie references that you'll find yourself chuckling at. Believe it or not, although this is definitely a comedy, it has a lot of heart-pounding action and graphic, bloody violence, especially towards the end. Give this movie a chance. I'm glad I did. Definitely one of those movies where, by the end, you'll be like, "that was pretty good..." A sleeper. Think SHAUN OF THE DEAD with cops and senior citizens. That is, if you've seen that movie. Also, good, by the way...

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU - Not feeling it. How can a movie with that many stars NOT be the best romantic comedy of all time? This is the New York Yankees of romantic comedies. Gotta admit though, I liked the Ben Affleck/Jennifer Aniston couple. And, of course, Scarlett Johansson looked good strutting her curvy self all over the big screen. She's kinda thick, in a good way. Jennifer Connelly somehow plays the nagging wife character pretty damn good, too. Other than that, that main character/narrator girl was irritating as hell. Who the hell would be into somebody that desperate and clueless? Not that I'm an expert, but most of the male stuff seemed pretty accurate. Maybe it was because I didn't seem all that interested in the little separate stories and how they all connected. I don't know. Something just didn't seem right. Not terrible. I just expected more, I guess. Maybe girls like this kinda movie. Seemed like I was watching a movie based on a Cosmo article...

FAST AND FURIOUS - They're baaaaaack! And all you ladies can wet your panties. Pretty much the same stuff as the original, but I still found it quite entertaining. They should've replaced Jordana Brewster with Megan Fox. Just to give the series some spice. Don't know what to say. If you like cars, racing, and Spanish people, this might be worth the rent. If you need any excuse to watch Vin Diesel and Paul Walker do their thing, you may count this as foreplay. Where the hell has Diesel been anyway? Working on THE PACIFIER 2? The problem with this type of movie is that the more spectacular the stunts are, the more unbelievable it gets. Then, all you've got is SPEED RACER on nitro. Sometimes, when I'm driving my Corolla, I feel like getting all fast and furious wanting to weave through that damn morning traffic. My lack of hubcaps severely handicaps my ability to Tokyo drift though. Hope this is the last movie. He'll probably Sly Stallone it and revisit his other movie franchises (XXX, PITCH BLACK)...

OBSESSED - Can you say, "MEEEEEOOOOOWW!!" Nothing better than an Oreo catfight!! Despite being pretty bashed by critics, this movie was pretty damn good. Onscreen hotties Ali Larter and Beyonce? Come on!! Can't turn down a movie like that. The only thing disappointing was that nobody took their clothes off. All that sexy lingerie and slinky dresses just to c@cktease. They might as well have had Jessica Alba in here, too. This movie, while predictable in genre, still managed to entertain us along the way. Reminded me of those FINAL DESTINATION movies where you know everybody's going to die, but it's how they die that grabs you and slams you on your a$$. Beyonce, in particular, plays ghetto better than Halle Berry does, in my humble opinion. Too bad she didn't go all MONSTER'S BALLs-out. Let's call this FATAL ATTRACTION with a sexier touch. Besides, who in their right mind would go after Glenn Close anyway?

THE MESSENGERS 2: THE SCARECROW - This movie may be the $hittiest movie I've seen in awhile. And, let me tell you, the $hitstack of movies pile really high in this house. I don't even know why I thought this sequel would be any good. I think I was just jonesing for a horror flick and just forced this one. The only thing fairly good about this movie was that they had some tig-ol-bitty girl showing her crops in the cornfield and later on, she got all busy with the main character for whatever reason. Half the time, I didn't even know what was going on. I just waited for that girl to come back onscreen. Oh yeah, and there was something about a scarecrow killing everybody going on. JEEPERS CREEPERS all of a sudden seems like the best horror movie ever made...


Okay. Been awhile. Back in school. Less time to watch movies. Maybe in my depressed, furloughed state I'll be watching more later...

The Haunting in Connecticut

PUSH - Kind of X-Menish. However, kinda original, as well. Actually watching WATCHMEN next, which seems to be along these same superhero lines. Instead of really specific names, all these characters had general names like "watchers," "pushers," "screamers," "shadows," etc. Dakota Fanning was in this one trying to add to her pubescent movie roles. Djimon Hounsou was also in it for my wife's viewing pleasure. That FANTASTIC FOUR Torch dude was another main character. All in all, pretty entertaining movie. Any of the X-Men movies are better, of course. Couldn't figure out why Beautiful wanted to watch this movie and Watchmen. Weird, huh. Must be the almost-all-male superhero cast that she looks forward to. Sounds about right. They should make a hot, semi-porn superhero movie with an all-hottie cast. Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, etc. I'd pay to watch that. They can call it PUSH, PUSH, IN THE BUSH...

BLOOD WORK - Catchy title. You'll see. An old Clint Eastwood flick. Thought I'd give it a chance because of his recent movie classics. GRAN TORINO, MILLION DOLLAR BABY, CHANGELING. All good, right? This one was a little dated. First part was kinda slow. Middle started picking up and finally got a little more graphic and interesting. By the end, I thought it was not bad. Kinda clever. Only one problem though. You'll figure out who's the killer right from the start. If you're gonna have only one other famous person in your movie, you might not wanna make that person the killer. Actually, another problem was that he inexplicably ooofed this Latino girl towards the ending of the movie out of leftfield. Director's benefit, I guess. His Viagra dosage probably didn't wear off yet. Seems like he was still developing his directing style in this one. Still, a pretty good thriller if you got time to kill. And already have HBO...

THE NAMESAKE - An Indian (7-11) movie about coming to America, but not losing your cultural identity. Kinda deep and heartfelt, I guess. Problem is, I'm not Indian. I just feel like drinking a slurpee. Kal Penn (Kumar) had the starring role. He's gotta be Bollywood's go-to Indian guy. If SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE and COMING TO AMERICA were a combo-documentary, it might look like this. I imagine many young, foreign people have this problem when they travel abroad and try to take advantage of opportunities not given to their ancestors. Wish more Hawaiians had this problem instead of being satisfied with living on the beach or invading Iolani Palace. How do you become a more well-rounded individual without losing your cultural identity? I would suspect that your racial lines become blurred the more you progress as a human being. What? Huh? You think my wife's Asian? No!! She's a confused mix of Hawaiian, White, and sometimes, even Black. She's Koa Woods...

EVERYONE'S HERO - Free movies at Dole Theaters!! Until you buy their outrageously priced snacks...that Da Lil' Manongs are going to end up wasting anyway. This animated baseball cartoon movie was okay, I guess. I actually slept about 3 or 4 times during the movie. That's how good it was. All I know is that if you were wondering whether or not you should have kids, go to Dole on Tuesdays, and I guarantee you you'll tie your tubes. Kinda hard to comment on any animated movie that's not Pixar. Or Dreamworks. Yeah, I've become a animated movie snob. That's what happens when you have kids that watch the same damn movie over and over and over and over. Kids enjoyed themselves (I think?), so that's all that matters...

THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT - Starring no one worth mentioning. Seen the preview of this? Looked scary as hell, right? Based on THE true story. Not A true story. Anyway, to be honest, there were some jump-outta-your-seat-$hit-in-your-pants moments. You know, turn around, scary guy right there, cue the loud music kinda stuff. Kinda repetitive though. And not to be all Academy Awards, but the acting, I thought, was terrible. Beautiful liked the true story of it all. I guess when you accept that this stuff actually happened, it is kinda crazy. I wanted more though. Scare me throughout instead of making me laugh and anticipate when something's obviously coming. I want to be scared so much that I'm thinking about it all through the night. I want to be afraid to leave my bed to go piss in the middle of the night. Nah, knock on wood. I just want to be entertained a little bit. I'd have to say that this was an overhyped movie. Unless you're not used to scary movies, then you might wanna rent this one 'cause it might scare you more than it did us. Here's a tip: don't watch scary movies with a fan blowing. The constant sound, to me, made the scary parts not as scary. How many times have I used the word "scary"? Turn off the lights, absolute silence, that probably would've been better. Couldn't help that it was damn hot last night though...


School's starting in a bit. That kinda sucks some major a$$. Netflix to the very end...

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Anybody actually read this junk? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?


KNOWING - I be Knowing one thing. This movie was the shizzle until the very end. You gotta wonder how certain endings get approved. Reminded me of HANCOCK. Who the hell goes, "...and then we'll end with THIS!!"?? As far as sci-fi movies go, this one was damn good...until that Hollywood-crap ending. Also, had a little horror-suspense feel to it that we enjoyed. Nic Cage was his usual quirky self. Creepy apocalyptic concept. Great movie. Terrible ending...

THE UNBORN - Not bad. You've probably seen the preview and thought it would be good. We definitely got sucked in, but thought it would be better. Some somewhat scary parts. Maybe half a Hershey's squirt in my pants. They had a Megan Fox knockoff in this movie who always seemed to be walking around in some "cheekies." Perfect casting, if you ask me. Should've been scarier though. And she should've worn a thong...

MONGOL - Movie about the life of Genghis Khan before he created his empire. Pretty interesting. Beats watching a boring-a$$ documentary in Social Studies class. Cinematography was excellent. Don't all Asianish movies have beautiful scenery to look at? Felt like I was watching BRAVEHEART with Mongols. Gruesome fighting. Blood spurting everywhere. Definitely, a guys' movie. Apparently, proves the theory that guys do amazing things for their woman. It received some high ratings and I'd have to agree with them...

FRED CLAUS - Christmas in July! I don't know what the hell made me watch this movie, but I was pleasantly surprised. Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Kevin Spacey, Kathy Bates, Rachel Weisz, Elizabeth Banks, and Luda might've had something to do with it. Is it me or does Vince Vaughn always seem to be winging all his lines in every movie? They probably just roll the camera and let him go nuts. Can't believe he was in PSYCHO. Good family movie. Problem is, I was watching it all by myself. It was like ELF with heart minus the silly Will Ferrell antics...

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE - Guess who the half-blood prince is? Sssssss...like I would tell you. Okay, I don't know what all you bibliophiles think, but I thought the movie was pretty damn good. Cool effects. More adult-like violence. Cutesy love dodecahedrons here and there. I wonder what it's like growing up on a movie set? You think they all "first kiss" on set, too? Weird, huh. Anyway, the best praise I can give this movie is that it made me kinda wanna read the books. Kinda. The movies take so long to come out that I always forget who's who. I always try to remember my questions for after the movie and run it by my Slytherin wife. Despite all the hype, I'm always pretty satisfied watching the movies. Of course, that may be because I've never read any of the books. The whole Harry Potter world is pretty genius and profitable...


Summer's winding down. Probably get depressed and watch even more movies during the remaining time...

The Proposal

More movies...


RUN, FATBOY, RUN - Hottie Thandie Newton, surprisingly buff, quirky Hank Azaria, and the hilarious Simon Pegg. I think Ross from FRIENDS directed this movie. Believe it or not, this movie was superb. Just felt like using that adjective. But really though, this movie was hilarious. Pegg's like the British Ben Stiller. Always playing the underdog common man who gets $hit on through the entire movie for our entertainment. He was good in SHAUN OF THE DEAD, too. Ever notice that Azaria plays oddball characters? Ever notice he's buff? Of course, I noticed Thandie Newton a lot more, but I'm just saying. A great movie about winning back the girl of your dreams. I was practically laughing during the whole movie...

MURDER BY NUMBERS - Sandra Bullock and Ryan Gosling before he was famous. Old movie, but I'd thought I'd watch it 'cause I just saw THE PROPOSAL and felt like giving Bullock more chances when she was young and spry. Not bad of a movie. Bullock played that exact same hard-nosed detective character she played in MISS CONGENIALITY before she transformed into the beauty queen. It was kinda weird to see her like that. She was all trying to jump her partner's bones throughout. That part I didn't mind, of course. You think most guys would rather hang with a girl like Bullock or someone like Megan Fox? This movie seemed eerily similar to some story I've either read about or heard on the news. Couldn't quite place it, but it seemed based on a true story. Not bad. Not great...

THE KINGDOM - Now this movie was the bomb!! And I'm not just saying it 'cause it was a movie about terrorism. Jamie Foxx definitely don't make $hitty movies anymore. Jennifer Garner, Chris Cooper, and Jason Bateman co-starred. Lots of action and real-world relevance. For some reason, I felt like I was watching TRAFFIC, except it was about oil, terrorists, and Saudi Arabia. Usually, I can't stand this type of movie, but this one was interesting. Great ensemble acting. Explosive action. Riveting suspense. Jason Bateman always makes the most of his minor roles (HANCOCK, JUNO). Garner has this one scene where she goes all ALIAS on this one guy and terrorizes his a$$. I bet she can kick Ben Affleck's a$$ in real life. Excellent movie. Go rent it...

VANTAGE POINT - Dennis Quaid, Forest Whitaker, and Jack from LOST. Haole RASHOMON-style movie about the assassination of the president. Kinda cool, I guess. A bit overrated. A bit irritating to wait for the culmination of points of view. Is it me or does Forest Whitaker look like a Black Chunk from GOONIES? I don't know why, but he seemed to be overacting the whole movie. But then again, he has won an Oscar, so what do I know. Okay movie. They should make a porn movie in Rashomon-style. That would be interesting. Don't steal my idea...

THE PROPOSAL - If you're going on a date with your woman (or man), and you're going to have to dish out all that money anyway at the theaters, you might as well watch this movie. Can't go wrong. Your girl will appreciate it. You'll score some points. And, you'll be rolling the entire time. That's the part I didn't expect. Was actually a lot funnier than I expected. Ryan Reynolds is the next superstar, I think, if he isn't already. That guy has impeccable comedic timing and delivery. I found myself just laughing at his facial expressions. We saw this movie with the Halfmanns, which was a bonus. Yeah, they like us better than the rest of you guys. One of the better romantic comedies I've seen in awhile. Take your soulmate to this movie. You might even get lucky...


Okay, back to the MJ memorial. That, in itself, could probably be a blockbuster movie...

Friday the 13th

I watched a $hitload of movies, but didn't feel like blogging about it 'til now...


VAN WILDER - Starring Hollywood's "IT" guy of the moment, Ryan Reynolds. Old party movie, I know. Tara Reid and Kal Penn were in it, too. Kal Penn's Punjabi accent was hilarious. Or was that his real native accent? Anyway, you can see the early days of an undeniable star even if this movie wasn't exactly Oscar-worthy. Lot of nudity though, so obviously worth the rent...

THE GUARDIAN - Gotta admit, despite starring Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher (playing a serious role for once), this movie was surprisingly good. Damn good, even. It's like TOP GUN in the water. About Coast Guard divers saving lives. The ocean scenes put you right there with the drowning. Almost like watching a sports movie where you're all inspired and rooting for the main characters feeling the bonding of humanity. Huh? What? Seriously, give it a chance. It's in Netflix's Top 100, so you know it has to be good. Pleasantly surprised to the point of almost wanting to watch MEN OF HONOR. Almost...

NOTORIOUS - No-no-no-notorious!! The biopic of Biggie Smalls AKA Notorious B.I.G. Obviously, you gotta like rap music to like this movie. I enjoyed it. Loved the music. Loved the background portrayals of Biggie, Diddy, and even Lil' Kim. One thing you gotta love about Big...he has to be the most successful cockeyed fatty ever!! Wasn't given any advantages in life and he still made it! Impressive. Not only could he rap, he was tappin' all dat a$$!! Incredible...

QUANTUM OF SOLACE - Sequel to CASINO ROYALE. Similar to the BOURNE series. I still enjoyed it very much even though critics blasted this movie for abandoning the Bond formula. He still kicked a$$. He still got the ladies. He still escaped every car chase and explosion. What's not to like? If you like action, this is where it's at. Somehow, though, I always get lost in the story. Must be old age...

FRIDAY THE 13TH - The remake of the original. Probably not as scary, but we still liked it and $hit in our pants. Nah, only my wife did. Don't you like how camping always means that you're going to die f@cking? I guess that's the way I'd prefer to leave this world, too. If you gotta go, you might as well get in one last ooof. The only noticeable difference to me was that Jason was actually running around in this movie instead of doing that slow motion stalking where he goes really slow, but somehow keeps up with all the victims running away. If some crazy guy had a machete and a hockey mask on, wouldn't you think that camping in the same vicinity is a bad idea? Just a thought...


More to come. Gotta go do what all them Friday the 13th couples were doing minus the machete in the back...

Madea Goes to Jail

Here's the next five movies. In case anyone cares...


CHOCOLATE - No, not the boring one with Johnny Depp. This one was a lot more interesting. It was about an autistic SPED girl whose one RAINMAN talent was being able to imitate some Muay Thai martial arts. Yup. She kicked some serious a$$, too. Who says SPED kids can't be successful? Watch them in their element...

THE LAST DRAGON - Yup, just seen it now. Was kinda worth the wait. Sho 'Nuff!! Nothing better than kick-a$$ kung fu and cheesy, 80's dialogue. And that Vanity? Looking like Halle Berry? She should be in more movies. Like MONSTER'S BALL 2: FIST OF SPICY TUNA...

HOTEL FOR DOGS - Cutesy movie only 'cause a cutesy narrator was watching the movie with me. Made sure to tell me when the good parts were coming up. Made sure to tell me all the dogs' names. Made sure I pronounced "Georgia" right. "It's GEEorgia. Not Jorja..." I find that quizzing a five-year-old during a lame, kiddie movie actually makes it more enjoyable to watch...

SHINOBI: HEART UNDER BLADE - Sense a theme here? This was like X-MEN meets ROMEO AND JULIET meets TWILIGHT. A ninja movie with all of the ninjas having special powers. Two characters actually seemed stolen from the X-men. Liked it, nonetheless. The action, while over-the-top at times, entertained me enough. Nothing wrong with fake fighting. Ask Hulk Hogan and the Rock...

MADEA GOES TO JAIL - What more can we say about Tyler Perry? Sometimes, his movies are hit or miss, but when he does get a hit, that $hit be flying outta the park, yo!! This one's definitely a hit. A triple, at least. He has a knack for combining irreverent humor, awkwardly real issues with real emotions, and a preacher's message with heart. Basically, the kinda movie Black people like to yell and scream at at your local theaters. Nothing wrong with that...as long as I get to watch the DVD in the privacy and safety of my own home. If you like his previous stuff, you might as well rent this one, too. Up there with his better batch of movies. Cook yourself a batch of chitlins...


BRB. LYLAS. KIT. Stay cool...

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

Thought I would be watching better movies since summer started, but apparently, I'm like Kahia at a candy store, paralyzed by my indecision, choosing Twix when I probably really wanted to eat Snickers...


88 MINUTES - This little suspense thriller was actually pretty good. Al Pacino was in it. He's like David Caruso. I actually embrace their idiosyncrasies. Sounds gay, huh. Critics thrashed this movie, but I found it quite entertaining. 88 minutes to figure out who's killing everybody? What's not to like?

RISKY BUSINESS - Takin' it back to the old school. Before Tom Cruise was Tom Cruise. Huh? Didn't know this was a movie about ho-ing. Probably groundbreaking in the 80's. Kinda funny. Booger and Balki were in it. Rebecca DeMornay was the hooch. Good to see the origin of those Guitar Hero commercials...starring the one and only, Kobe "2009 World Champion" Bryant...

PROM NIGHT - Pretty good horror flick. For some reason, felt like I was watching an updated version of CARRIE. No-name actors. Corny story. Beautiful liked it. I thought it wasn't bad. Seen worse. Your basic stalker-chasing-around-some-teens movie. Like the genre and you'll probably like the movie...

ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA 2 - Okay, this movie sucked some Chun Wah Kam manapua a$$!! I don't get it at all. Yeah, the fighting may have been spectacular for its time. Yeah, Jet Li was in it. Anything else? I didn't enjoy it at all. Okay, maybe the fake-a$$ fighting. Other than that, the English translations were terrible. Laughable. Plus, didn't care for the history lesson. I'm Asian, but not that Asian. Like biting into a manapua and finding out that you're eating pussy...cat...

UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS - The prequel to all those hottie Kate Beckinsale vampire movies. With one exception...she wasn't in it!! They had a substitute hottie. She looked more vampish than Kate. And got down and dirty, unlike Kate. That's always a plus. Surprisingly, this was pretty good. Kept our attention. Doesn't take much, I guess. Maybe 'cause Wifey's part vampire and I'm full werewolf, we can relate...


Okay. Crappy movies. Need more quality as opposed to quantity. Too much spare time on my hands. $hitty movie viewing is inevitable. Where's all the summer blockbusters?

Up

Saw these movies this week. The movies should be flowing now that summer's here...


PAUL BLART: MALL COP - Pretty funny, though a tad bit overrated. The kids watched it about 4 times. They could even quote some of the parts. A five-year-old and seven-year-old doing an Indian accent? Funny stuff. Light movie to watch if you're in a bad mood. Though it had its moments, we weren't dying laughing or anything like that...

CASINO ROYALE - Wow!! I hate James Bond, but I loved this movie. This definitely ain't your daddy's James Bond. It's supposed to be before he got all sophisticated and debonair. He was all raw, didn't give a $hit, and was kicking some serious a$$. Seems 007 was a loose cannon and almost didn't become the special agent Fuj knows and loves today. Felt more like the Jason Bourne series, especially the fight sequences. The action's kick a$$. The story was a bit complicated to follow. Didn't matter. Just the fact that Bond was pretty much going crazy and ignoring his boss was entertaining enough for me...

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD - This movie was critically acclaimed...so, of course, it sucked some major a$$. First half of the movie was extremely boring. Last 45 minutes was the payoff, but if you come to our house and watch me and Deena fight every day, it'd be the same thing. In case you're wondering, Winslet did ooof AGAIN. A story about the difficulties of marriage. Depressing stuff, really. Guess the appeal of it is its realism...

SHUTTER - Some Americanized remake of a Thai horror classic. ME NO LOVE YOU LONG TIME!! It was okay, I guess. I'd rather watch a girl with a ping pong, but that's just me. Wifey liked it. I thought I was watching THE RING 3. Beautiful got scared. Of course, she gets scared when we watch any horror movie. I'm still waiting for the next SIXTH SENSE type of scared-to-go-to-sleep movie to come along. Oh, well. At least we made use of our HBO On Demand. And there were enough Asian women running around in this movie to keep me interested...

UP - How can Pixar improve on perfection? With this movie!! Words cannot express how awesome this movie is. Action. Adventure. Comedy. Romance. You'll laugh your a$$ off. You'll drown in your own tears. For the kids and the adults. How the hell do the Pixar guys come up with this stuff? Wouldn't it be cool to sit in on their brainstorming sessions? Before I overhype it too much and ruin it, just go see it. You'll love it!! The best Pixar movie to date...


Alright. There it is. Here I come, Netflix!! So little time. So many movies to watch. Won't even have time to watch porn anymore...

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Summer, summer, summertime!! Yeah, booooeeeeeey!!! Now, we're gonna be watching all them summer blockbusters. NOT!! Too f@ckin' expensive. But I'm gonna hit up Netfilx like crazy, yo! Anyway, here's the latest:


THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON - Nope. Not feeling it. Try FORREST GUMP meets BIG FISH meets SIMON BIRCH. I don't know. Great movie and all, but we just didn't care for it much. Like Cate Blanchett. Love Brad Pitt's wife. Maybe it's the aging backwards thing that we couldn't get over. Oh, well...

THE READER - Man, that Kate Winslet is a nympho. Ooofing onscreen like crazy! For someone who got criticized for being too "womanly," she sure don't give a $hit. I like it. Oh, and she can obviously act, too. Takes on all those dysfunctional roles. Gotta love her. This movie, even for me though, was a little too much. Hey, but it promotes literacy. And some other f@cked up ideals. Can't be too picky. Critics loved this movie. Probably why I didn't...

THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM - The long-awaited pairing of the Middle Kingdom's finest, Jet Li and Jackie Chan. As long as you don't expect this to be a serious flick, you'll be pleasantly surprised. We really liked it. So did the kids. It was more like an adventure/fantasy-type family movie complete with that Yuen Woo Ping wire-working kung fu. Lots of action and cool fighting scenes. Barely plausible story. Suspend your disbelief. But the fight choreography? Just beautiful. I recommend it...

PING PONG PLAYA - Now, this movie was the $hit!! Like breaking open a fortune cookie and finding...well...a hidden treasure...of a fortune... Anyway, you know what I mean. I don't know how the hell Joe-Joe "Brandon Lee" 1/2Man1/2Amazing found this movie, but it was damn good!! It's about a Chinese dude who acts Black and acts like he can ball, but somehow ends up taking over his parents' ping pong school. Trust me. It's hilarious. Like watching that one Yao Ming/Ron Artest interview. The wannabe hip-hop Chinaman lines in here were classic. We were rolling. It was so funny, I'll probably re-watch it again some time. ME LOVE THIS MOVIE LONG TIME!! I think Joe-Joe's an inside-out twinkie...or whatever the hell's white on the outside and yellow on the inside...

BABY MAMA - Tina Fey movie. With Amy Poehler and the rest of the SNL cast. We kinda liked this one. Kinda light. Kinda clever at times. Can't go wrong with Tina Fey. Blake liked her waaaaaay before the rest of the geeks. I think she's in his Top Five. Not saying it's the greatest comedy of all time, but if you want a movie quickie, this might be the one for you...


Alright. Have a good one. Nice and breezy today. Like sitting in AC in the theater. Yeah, right. Let the movie marathons begin!! It's SUMMERTIME!!!

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Gotta admit, I got this short-and-sweet movie review style by copping it from the one and only, James Patterson. Besides, haven't had time to $hit my thoughts on paper (or this blog) like I usually do. Anyway, a couple of reviews for your enjoyment...


ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO - Directed by Kevin Smith. The original. Judd Apatow, you clone! Anyway, good mixture of raunch sauce and love juice. Seth Rogen was hilarious as usual. Don't be expecting porn. But you can expect the porn dialogue. Like real life, once they had sex, the movie went downhill. Anticlimactic, if you know what I mean. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr! Definitely a d!ck flick...or for girls who watch porn "for the story..."

THE LAZARUS PROJECT - Paul Walker. For my wife. Thought I could pass it off as foreplay, but even his smoldering presence couldn't save this train wreck of a movie. Dumbest movie I've seen in awhile. The least they could've done was let Jessica Alba stroll through the movie with a bikini on...searching for underwater treasure. Now that would've been a grrrrreeeeeaaaaaat movie!!

MY BLOODY VALENTINE - BOO!!!!! What a $hitty movie!! Could tell it was meant to be 3D 'cause objects would inexplicably be launched outward towards the screen. How many different ways can you kill someone with a pick axe? Not even scary. The Valentine's theme was sketchy at best. Don't you hate when the twist at the end has something to do with withheld information? "Ah, yeah...Booboo was the killer 'cause he (apparently) has Tourette's and his mom tries to keep him out of class so he doesn't have to do homework..." Huh? What? Hah? You mean you didn't see it coming...


I'm on a $hitty movie streak. Nah, but we got two best picture nominees, so it can only get better. Isn't Netflix the $hit?!! Bye, bye, Blockbuster...

Recent Movies

More short-and-sweet movie reviews:


THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES - Chick flick...with a taste of honey. Boatloads of Black people and awkward-aged Dakota Fanning. You get to see how huge Alicia Keys' a$$ really is. Actually, not a bad movie if you have possession of this unnecessary thing called "emotions."

THE UNINVITED - Talk about overrated. Not the least bit scary. The story is played out and overdone. They tried a little M. Night Shamalamabingbang at the end, but it was pretty weak. The preview was actually better than the movie.

DRILLBIT TAYLOR - Light, bully movie with some heart. Owen Wilson was his normal kinda funny self. For some reason, I like Leslie Mann (Judd Apatow's wife). She's funny and kinda hot all rolled into one. Movie kinda drifted in and out, but it was okay. The kinda movie to watch just to take a break from life. Kinda used the word "kinda" too much.

THE WRESTLER - Pick of the litter. Intriguing character study about a washed-up WWF-type wrestler (Mickey Rourke) in love with an over-the-hill stripper (Marisa Tomei). Thought I was watching a documentary on Hulk Hogan. You actually find yourself sympathizing with the guy. Rourke was surprisingly convincing. Tomei was MILFishly delicious. Like dramas? Rent this one.

TAKEN - Thanks, Leish. Liked the concept. Liked the fighting. Couldn't get over the hump with old, saggy Liam Neeson easily kicking everyone's a$$. Plus, his Qui-Gon Jinn/Aslan voice spewing out Confucius' sayings before and after each beatdown was killing me. Remember that TV show THE EQUALIZER? That's what I kept thinking of.

THE SOLOIST - Great acting. Great true story. Great classical music. Thought I would like this movie more. We didn't. Jamie Foxx's stream of consciousness reminded me of Lil' Wayne's "A Milli." Downey Jr. cracks me up even when he's not trying to be funny. It's unfair that someone can be as talented as Jamie Foxx. I bet it was really him playing Yo Mama-like cello.


Alright. See you soon. Don't buy $4.50 hot dogs unless your wife is grouchy...

More Sneak Reviews

Oh, forgot these two:

CLEANER - Samuel L. Jackson, Ed Harris, and the sultry Eva Mendes. Not bad little movie with some pop. Got about 90 minutes to spare? This movie's for you. Different. Like a longer episode of CSI. We liked it.

BOLT - Do it for the kids. Excellent movie about a dog who doesn't know he's a stunt dog. Cutesy story. Funny lines. Great for the kids and adults. Pixar-comparable. Rent it. You won't be disappointed. One of the better animated movies we've seen, and believe me, we've seen a lot lately.


Okay. Two thumbs up for both of these flicks. So, I guess you could say, "four thumbs up!" That's almost a whole hand. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it could only end up badly, so I'll stop. Stay cool. See you next year. Nice knowing a cool guy like you...

Sneak Reviews

Okay, I've been pretty busy (on Facebook), so here's some quickie reviews:

DOUBT - Suitable title. You'll been in doubt as to what really happened in the movie. Great actors/actresses in the movie. A slugfest of acting, really. Amy Adams plays naive and innocent really well, kinda like her ENCHANTED role.

CUJO - This movie was lame. I expected Bartholomew to be bigger and scarier. He looked like he was going to give some lost people in a snowstorm some drink. Isn't this just a movie about infidelity surrounded by a rabid dog just to keep it interesting? Terrible.

DECEPTION - Maggie Q shows her a$$ in this one, so I'll give it bonus points, but overall, the movie was more twisted than a pretzel. Wasn't good like one though. I was sucked in 'cause the movie was about a sex club, but just like softcore, girly-porn, I was left with blue balls. The title suggests the feeling you have after renting this piece of $hit.


Doubt was pretty good. The other two sucked a$$. Take it easy. Take care now...

Stir of Echoes

Starring: Kevin Bacon, Cameron from HOUSE, SEINFELD's friend from childhood that he outgrew

STIR OF ECHOES? Yeah, that's right. I've never seen it before and the Wifey suggested it. Isn't it just THE SIXTH SENSE? I thought so. Pretty good movie considering it was from 1999. When was Sixth Sense made?

Anyway, if you haven't seen it, it's about Kevin Bacon being hypnotized by his bitchy sister-in-law and then having these flashes of some chick he doesn't even know. That's the movie.

It's pretty creepy and scary. Kind of a thriller-horror movie. I think I've seen it before, but I couldn't remember 'cause I've seen so many movies.

I actually liked it. Even though you can kinda figure out what's going on halfway through the movie. Didn't you girls just loooove Kevin's Bacon? Considering the crap he usually makes, this one was not bad.

Okay, that's it. Can't crack too many jokes about a 90's horror movie that everyone's probably seen...

Bedtime Stories

Starring: Adam Sandler, all his usual buddies, Keri Russell, Courteney Cox, Guy Pearce, Lucy Lawless, Carmen Electra

BEDTIME STORIES? What do you think it's about? Do it for the kids. Yup, that's right. This was, obviously, a movie pick for the family. Although I do like Adam Sandler for some reason.

Bedtime Stories is about this sorta loser guy whose Pops used to own a hotel and tell him these great bedtime stories every night. Although he's promised the hotel later when his Pops sells the hotel and passes on, he ends up being a janitor/Mr. Fix-It kinda guy who gets $hit on every day.

He ends up taking care of his niece and nephew one week and tells these made-up stories to them, and the parts that the kids add on to his stories end up coming true. From then on, he tries to manipulate these stories to his advantage so that he can end up being in charge of the hotel he was promised previously.

Original method of repeating a common theme of kids' movies. Kids use their imagination and creativity. Good things start happening. We get to watch a real-life fairy tale unfold. Remember, it's for kids. It is Disney.

Keri Russell looks like Cameron from HOUSE. Courteney Cox is getting old. Guy Pearce...I can't believe that's the guy from MEMENTO. Lucy Lawless...can't believe she was XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS, that hidden-lesbo TV series.

Adam Sandler? He has a knack for making likable, entertaining movies. He's like that funny, sometimes goofy guy who can be cool and punky, but has a heart, too. I always like his movies. I don't know what it is. Well, except LITTLE NICKY. And BILLY MADISON. Those were a little too silly for me.

Watch it with the kids. I don't see why you would watch this without kids unless you're a huge Adam Sandler fan. Pretty good movie. Not spectacular, but some heartfelt moments there. Little bit. Not enough to make you cry though. I give this movie two kids who make up their own stories every day at dinner except I hope they don't come true otherwise we'd be hanging out with a guy who had his arm cut off and Nacho Nacho Man...

Pineapple Express

Starring: Seth Rogen, James Franco, that funny dude from THE FOOT FIST WAY, that guy from OFFICE SPACE, Rosie Perez, Ed Begley Jr.

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS is your basic Mary Jane movie where a couple of buddies get high and then get into a bunch of wild $hit and have to find their way out. Think Cheech and Chong's UP IN SMOKE or HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE with a Judd Apatow twist. Funny $hit, right? I don't know. I guess.

There's one problem with watching these types of movies. I never smoked weed in my life. Neither has my wife. I mean, I know all of you mofos do, but not us innocent guys.

Soooo, when we watch these movies, although it's funny most of the time, I'm sure we're missing out on all the subtle Chronic jokes here and there. Maybe you guys even smoke a blunt while watching it. You'd probably think it was the best movie ever made.

Seth Rogen is teddy bear funny like our Tongan friend who works with us. You know who you are. He's just a likable dude. James Franco was actually funnier than I thought he would be. He played the pot seller guy. That guy from The Foot Fist Way, Danny McBride, cracks me up all the time. He seems to have bit parts in all the comedies now. I think it'll only be a matter of time until he becomes the feature guy. He's hilarious.

So Rogen and Franco witness this murder and somehow there's a corrupt cop (Perez) involved and they just spend the whole movie trying to run away from the bad guys who figure out it's them because they dropped their joint and it led back to them 'cause they were the only ones with access to "Pineapple Express," the Maui Wowie of today. That's the gist of it.

The movie kinda grew on me. Light, harmless entertainment. Unless you start hitting the bong 'cause of this movie. Not bad. Not like I was dying laughing or anything like that. It was a'ight. I give this movie two guys hitting the Chronic undercover after golf in the parking lot, smuggling their stash in a Twisted Metal video game case...

Quarantine

Starring: DEXTER's sister, the main Black dude from STOMP THE YARD, Jay Hernandez, the Black guy who ended up in a wheelchair in DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN, hottie Maya from HEROES

Okay, you're either going to:

A) Think this movie was the greatest thing since THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
B) Get sick of all the shaking
C) Be scared $hitless
D) Laugh throughout and think that this is the lamest horror movie made in a long time


I don't know about Beautiful, but I thought this movie was pretty good. A step above Blair Witch. I know she was getting scared towards the end. I thought it was kinda creative considering the genre.

QUARANTINE is a movie filmed like a documentary in which a newsreporter and her cameraman start off filming firemen, but then end up getting more than they bargained for. The movie starts off pleasant, almost like a college dorm, then gets crazy pretty quickly. The firemen take a call to an apartment building where, yes, they all end up being quarantined.

What's going on is...you'll figure it out. The shaky filming provide the perfect effect for scaring the bejesus out of you. Creepy things come in and out of view. The camera light goes in and out. Lots of running away. Pretty suspenseful stuff. Or you might think its lame. Or you might throw up.

Again, we actually liked the movie. Pretty scary. Pretty predictable though. Short and sweet, running time-wise. Like riding a roller coaster. I thought everyone acted pretty $hitty pretty well. They had to act like they were actually filming a documentary. That must be hard. Like playing yourself. Although playing with yourself is not too hard. Unless it's not hard. Or so I've heard.

Remember when Blair Witch first came out and everybody thought it was real? Then, when we found out that it was a hoax, the movie lost its appeal and all you had was some chick with boogers coming out of her nose running around in the forest from nothing but the sound of stepped-on branches and her imagination. I guess perception can be scarier than reality. And a lot more interesting. And, I guess, more believable.

Pretty good movie. Quick, immediate, spooky dose of Hershey squirts in the pants. Watch it at night with the lights off and I'll bet it's even scarier. I give this movie two minutes of grainy, dark footage and a lot of shaking and screaming and a big snake trying to get in that bush...

Slumdog Millionaire

Starring: that Indian dude from SHORT CIRCUIT ("Johnny Five is alive!!)...nah, just kidding. A whole truckload of Indian people, including hottie Freida Pinto (who'll probably be in demand after this movie...)

Holy sippin' slurpees from 7-11!! This movie is f@ckin' AWESOME!! Best Picture of the Year, it better be.

You know, I don't know if I've just become more mature with my movie picks or the Academy has gotten better with their choices, but remember when you were little and you tried to watch some Best Picture flick and it sucked a$$? Well, that's how it used to be for me. But ever since they started choosing some real kick a$$ movies like BRAVEHEART, I've kinda trusted them. CRASH, MILLION DOLLAR BABY, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. These movies were not only critically-acclaimed, but entertaining as well.

Anyway, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE is this damn good original movie about this kid who, believe it or not, ends up going on the hit show WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? and is pretty much accused of cheating. As they try to find out the truth about his cheating, he recounts all of his childhood experiences. This is the bread and butter of the movie. I'm actually surprised Beautiful didn't end up bawling. Weird. I think she feels no sympathy for anybody who's Gandhi ever since Sharma graced us with his presence.

There, that's it. To tell you guys more would ruin this masterpiece of a movie. I know it doesn't sound all that intriguing, but give it a chance, I guarantee you won't be disappointed. The daring, original premise of this movie alone had me thinking about how creative the human mind can be. For some reason, I'm getting GOOD WILL HUNTING crossed with ONCE WERE WARRIORS even though it's really neither. That's just the vibe I was getting as I watched.

This movie has the intrigue. It has the sickening tragedy. It has the underdog theme. And underneath it all lies the ever-so-universal love and romance theme. This movie has it all, baby!! No bull$hitting either. You know that feeling you had when you saw CRASH or MILLION DOLLAR BABY where you were just like, "Wow! What a well-crafted movie..."? That's what I kept thinking afterwards. Pure genius. It's movies like this that keep me watching movies. What the f@ck am I saying? I'll watch anything.

Anyway, great f@ckin' movie!! If I could recommend only one movie (or you could only watch one movie on the account of you only being on the one-movie-at-a-time Netflix plan), you should definitely watch this. Best Picture. Can't go wrong. You'll be amazed. Unless I overhyped it already. Did I mention that the main girl is kinda hot? I hope she's of age or I'm a perv.

I give this movie two billion Indians looking to technologically dominate the world in a few years according to that lame video with African music that we've seen too many times. I'm gonna get me a slurpee...

Do it. You know you want to. Buy a slurpee. Put a red dot on your forehead. Now, pop in the DVD and enjoy...

And then, do some Kama Sutra for the after-party...

Jai Ho, bitches!!

Lakeview Terrace

Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Kerry Washington, Jay Hernandez, and that White guy who was ooofing Kate Winslet in LITTLE CHILDREN

LAKEVIEW TERRACE is another pretty damn good movie featuring workaholic actor Samuel L. Jackson. "Yes, they deserved to die. I hope they burn in hell!!" Remember that line? He's the best screaming actor of all time. How come they don't have the "Six Degrees of Samuel L. Jackson?" Hasn't he made more movies than Kevin Bacon? Where the hell is Kevin Bacon? If not more movies, definitely better. He's the coolest cat in the litter.

Lakeview Terrace is this crazy movie about an Oreo couple who move next door to Jackson only to be terrorized by him each day. Not only is he black, he's also blue...as in, he's a cop. He's bruised-up all black and blue.

First, the harassment starts off slowly. A little joke here, a racist comment there. Next thing you know, he's getting all Samuel L. on 'em. You'll see. You'll be like, "What the f@ck??!!" like all them Black folk yelling at the screen at the theaters. I think we felt Black. Even though the movie was about reverse racism. Sorta. You'll feel like a victim of racism. Except the guy was White. But his wife was Black. But the guy being racist was Jackson, who's Black. And he was a cop, who you think would uphold the law and go out of his way not to be racist. But then, the movie's not about you 'cause you're Asian. So how could you feel like the victim? Let's just say that we sympathized (empathized?) with the main zebra characters.

Jackson gets worse and worse, but the couple battles back. Must be hell trying to f@ck tha police. Later, you'll find out why Jackson's doing what he does. It's an excellent popcorn movie. Buttered Popcorn, that is. Hardy, har, har, har! Really though, great entertainment with L. doing his thing in a role perfectly suited for his acting chops.

We're on a roll this week with Netflix. Another excellent movie. I give this movie two people from different cultural backgrounds. One's Asian. One's Black. She offers him some cherry pie. He gives her a fudgesicle. Next thing you know, they're having dessert until their relationship gets stretched beyond its limits and the girl must move on...only she can't even walk...

Redbelt

Starring: that Black dude not named Don Cheadle from TALK TO ME, that girl who saved Will Smith in I AM LEGEND, the Spanish dude who was in about three or four episodes from LOST, the good girl that Bruce Willis falls in love with in THE KID, and Academy Award should-be-nominee, Enson Inoue, and other MMA fighters

REDBELT is this smart, MMA (can you say, "oxymoron?") independent B-movie about this down-on-his-luck MMA instructor who is forced to compete in some MMA event he created to get out of a mess he is accused of creating. Get it?

He's a Black Bruce Lee without the need to kick everybody's a$$. He likes to teach, but he doesn't like the idea of competing with rules. He teaches his students to conquer their fears and prevail in life. Of course, he's not opposed to kicking someone's a$$ in the name of fairness and self-defense. You'll see.

The way the movie was constructed to get to where it ends up is pretty clever. Seriously. Didn't expect that from a fight movie. In some ways, this was up there with ROCKY and THE KARATE KID. Not an underdog movie, but he's definitely someone you can root for. Definitely better than NEVER BACK DOWN. Okay, so maybe I only saw the beginning of that movie. Goes to show how bad it was.

When it all goes down, you'll be cringing and feeling bad for the guy. Sorry, I can't give away too much. The movie's that good. Let's just say that the guy hangs onto his morals and principles despite all the temptations and hardships that come his way and doesn't even flinch. Not too many people like that nowadays.

Good mix of fighting and story. Charismatic main character. Good philosophies. I liked that it was short. A pleasant surprise. Like cracking open a fortune cookie and, well...getting a good fortune. Tried to throw in the Asian joke there. Didn't work. Oh, yeah, and they had those kung fu flutes and taiko drums playing throughout the movie to get you in the mood.

I give this movie two empty hands that come in peace...bearing gifts...emanating love...powerful...strong...how about a massage? Happy ending?

Tell No One

Starring: a bunch of French people

Okay, can anyone tell me why an American Edgar Award-winning writer gets his New York Times bestselling-novel made into a French movie? I don't get that. Nevertheless, it didn't take away from the movie at all. I'm actually looking forward to reading the book now. Actually, I had planned to read the book first, but I'm waiting for the damn thing to be transferred to my local library.

TELL NO ONE is this awesome thriller of a movie about this doctor guy who's madly in love with his wife, and one day, when they're skinny-dipping at the local pond, she gets kidnapped and he gets knocked unconscious. They show her naked. Oh, those naughty Frenchies!

Anyway, eight years later, after being cleared of his wife's killing, he gets a mysterious email with a link to a video that shows...SURPRISE!!...HIS WIFE!!! What??!! He continues to get these strange emails that offer him little clues to meet in odd places.

Not only is he trying to figure out whether or not his wife is really alive, but the police is on his trail again being that they recently found two more bodies that were buried near that fateful pond. What the hell is going on??!!

Throughout the movie, he's running from the law, trying to figure out the circumstances of his wife's death, and along the way, people keep dying and he keeps getting blamed.

The best thing about this movie is that you really don't know what the hell's going on either. You know how when you watch most movies, you're like, "Ah, I got it already..." halfway through the movie. This one's a doozy. It'll keep your head spinning. It's over two hours, but it didn't feel like it. At first, the subtitles bothered me, but you get used to it.

Seriously, this was one of the best thrillers I've seen in awhile. Beautiful wouldn't go that far, but she really enjoyed it. It was like I was watching an onion unfold...wait, wait. It was like I was watching my mom's rainbow jello get eaten layer by layer...wait, wait. It was like I was trapped in this makeshift cave of Hawaiian quilts and I had to fight my way out...wait, wait. It was like meeting with our hottie psychologist and trying to discuss all my underlying issues...ah, whatever...you know what I mean, right? It was like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, buried under bull$hit. Something like that.

Let's just say that I was highly anticipating this movie, and it didn't disappoint. Great movie. Tell Everyone to go see it. Get it? I give this movie two people skinny-dipping in a pond...and then, this hockey masked-wearing guy shows up...but then, this shark fin appears in the middle of the pond...then all of a sudden, you hear noises in the bushes and the movie's black and white and this girl with boogers coming out of her nose is the only thing you can see...but then, everybody blows up and it was all just a dream...

Monsters Vs. Aliens

Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Seth Rogen, Hugh Laurie, Paul Rudd, Kiefer Sutherland, Stephen Colbert, and others

Damn, this movie was the shizzle!! Definitely, the best kids movie we've ever seen together with the kids. And it wasn't even Pixar. I don't know though. UP is coming this summer.

MONSTERS VS. ALIENS, if you haven't seen the previews three thousand times, is about the Earth getting invaded (again) by aliens and how we fight them using monsters that we've got stashed away.

We've got Susan (Witherspoon) who's a gentle giant. This brainy Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. dude played with his normal English voice by Dr. Gregory House M.D. This gelatinous, brainless blob named B.O.B. played by Rogen. The Missing Link, this fish-looking, tough-talking creature played by some SNL cast member. And this gigantic mute caterpillar.

Anyway, because it's a cartoon, you won't get bored in any way seeing the same old alien invasion genre. The movie is awesome. Excellent graphics. Cutesy, kid-friendly characters. Funny, adult humor. Not adult like porn, but adult like over-the-kids'-heads. The one-liners are witty and quotable. The movie keeps you, as well as the kids, entertained all the way through.

We're chang, so we didn't see the 3D-version, but you could tell which parts were made just for the 3D enjoyment. Stuff blowing up and flying outward towards you. It's probably neat. $3.50 more per person neat? I don't think so.

All the characters were lovable, but I really liked House, Rogen, and Witherspoon's characters in particular. House because, well, he's House. Even under his native English tongue, you could still recognize the razor-sharp wit and sarcasm. Rogen's hilarious. Is this guy ever not funny? He played the dimwitted blob perfectly. He had the best jokes. Every time he said something, it had everybody rolling. Reese's main character in the movie was classic Witherspoon. I've always liked her. Not necessarily her movies, just her. I know that sounds pretty dumb, but there's something about her. I think if I had to pick an actress based on only personality, I'd pick her. The last time I actually liked a female cartoon character was, probably, THE LITTLE MERMAID. And I mean that in a serious, non-perverse way. I really liked Susan. You will, too.

The strength of the movie though has to be the camaraderie of the monsters. How they stick together and fight for each other and try to kick the aliens' a$$es. It was like watching an animated INDEPENDENCE DAY where you're kinda rooting for us, the good guys, to kick some foreign alien a$$. The action in this movie was good, too.

Okay, too much to talk about. My review's not even doing the movie justice. Trust me, this movie is out-of-this-world! Hardy, har, har, har!! Go take your kids and see it. Hell, go see it without kids. I guarantee you'll enjoy it. We did. DreamWorks is catching up! I give this movie two kids who were really grateful for their surprise today, and one, in particular, who was so happy that she couldn't stop talking out loud at the screen. Is Kawai part-Black?

The Gift

Starring: Cate Blanchett, Keanu Reaves, Katie Holmes, Greg Kinnear, Giovanni Ribisi, Hilary Swank, that Peter Parker's grandma-aunty from the SPIDERMAN movies, that weirdo-boss from OFFICE SPACE, and that old prisoner who had the circus mouse in THE GREEN MILE

Damn, this movie was packed with talent! If only I had recognized this in 2000, I would've maybe watched it then instead of now. I just remember Keanu Reeves playing a bad guy and thinking, "Whoa, Ted from BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE can't play no villain!" I don't think I even knew who Cate Blanchett was. Or Hilary Swank.

THE GIFT is true to its title. It's a movie that presents itself across several different genres. First of all, you've got the country bumpkin trailer trash aspect. Blanchett is a widowed single-mom with three kids who reads peoples' fortunes on the side to make money. All these ignorant bozos with issues come to her to get answers and look up to her almost as a guidance counselor. She plays the role straight. Nothing cheesy about her so-called fortune-telling. For some reason, I've always found Blanchett to be somewhat attractive in a vanilla sort of way. I don't know why. I just do.

Problems start when beaten-down Swank enters the movie asking for advice from Blanchett when everyone knows that she should leave her wife-beater of a husband, Keanu Reeves. Reeves surprisingly plays the menacing-bully role pretty damn good. I was pretty impressed. And he didn't have to use any of that lame MATRIX martial arts. He and Swank kinda represent the violent part of the movie.

Katie Holmes and Greg Kinnear are the happily engaged couple. Only problem is, Greg's the good-guy-principal-of-the-local-elementary-school and Holmes is the town whore. She shows her t!tties. They were actually bigger than I thought they would be. I wonder if Tom Cruise saw this movie and thought, "I have to meet her..." This could represent the scandalous part of the movie.

Ribisi plays this kinda mental guy who everyone's afraid of. Doesn't he always play the retarded guy? He, along with Swank, are among Blanchett's regular clientele. More like irregular though.

Anyway, somebody gets killed, Blanchett "sees" it, and the little town goes crazy. That's all I'm gonna say. The whole movie's suspenseful, so I don't want to ruin it.

Considering that this was an old movie, we definitely enjoyed it. I'd have to say that as far as thrillers go, this one was pretty up there. Especially recently with all the junk that we've watched. I'm glad that we rented it and I highly recommend it. You'll be entertained throughout. I give this movie two hairy palms to be read...but you can't see anything...too much hair...too many blisters...too much lotion on it...blinded...don't wanna talk about it...you know what you gotta stop doing...

Shiver

Starring: a bunch of Spanish people

SHIVER is this subtitled Spanish movie about this photophobic boy and his mom (and later, his part-time dad) who move to another town to start a new life and get less sun 'cause the boy's genetic disorder is getting worse. He was getting picked on in his hometown anyway, so it was time to leave the sun and the a$$holes.

In his new town, the bullying starts all over again. They pick on him like he's the new freak kid. On top of all that, he goes in the woods one day with two other boys, one of 'em ends up dying, and he gets blamed. Throughout the movie, weird things keep happening in the forest, people turn up dead, and he somehow becomes the scapegoat. Talk about a $hitty life.

Something is going on in the forest. Think THE VILLAGE, but only cheesier and less scary. We thought the movie was okay. Luckily, I didn't have to play pee pee duty or move to the outside of the bed. Wasn't all that scary. Even when you finally find out what's going on, it's not all that satisfying. They tried to throw in a little twist to explain everything, but again, nothing spectacular. I'd have to rate this movie on the bottom of our Roku'd horror movies.

Skip this movie. Unless you're trying to brush up on your high school Spanish. The least they could've done was show some naked Spanish girls. But alas, they did not. I give this movie two doses of Spanish Fly and an urban legend consisting of a mamacita and the stick shift in your car. Either that or two tacos for 99 cents at your local Jack in a Crack. Depends whether or not you think Spanish and Mexican are the same thing...

Mirrors

Starring: Kiefer Sutherland, Amy Smart, and some poor man's Halle Berry chick

Remember, we like the genre. Cheesy, horror flicks. Not that this is one. Okay, maybe a little.

MIRRORS is a documentary about Kiefer Sutherland reflecting on his career and how he went from THE LOST BOYS, YOUNG GUNS, and FLATLINERS, through boning Julia Roberts in the middle, hitting the apex by starring in a hit TV show, 24, and then, somehow ending up in this weird-a$$ movie.

Okay, really. MIRRORS is about this down-and-out NYPD cop who f@cked-up somehow, is trying to stay on the wagon, and for some inexplicable reason, decides to work at this burned-down building as a security guard. He also is separated from his semi-hot wife and rarely gets to see his kids until he gets his act straight.

While working at the spacious, mirror-filled building, he witnesses some strange occurrences. Of course he does. That's what makes the movie. Basically, your cliched reflection-doing-crazy-things-you're-really-not-doing kinda spooky stuff. He, surprisingly, keeps going back to work at night to find out why this is happening. Who gives a f@ck, right? Apparently, Kiefer does. And so, the rest of the movie plays out for our entertainment. I won't spoil it, of course. Let's just say that wherever there's mirrors, $hit's gonna happen.

Personally, I didn't think the movie was all that scary. And it's not 'cause I'm trying to be all macho and $hit. It really didn't scare me like other movies. You could tell when something was coming. Lots of blood and gore, but all movies have that nowadays, so it's hard to outdo what's already been done.

Beautiful, on the other hand, couldn't even go to the bathroom by herself. I had to just stand there and watch her pee. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but after midnight, I don't know, kinda pushing it. She even slept on the other side of the bed not near our bedroom door. I thought that was funny.

Some scary parts. Not all that exceptional. I kinda liked it even though it wasn't all that particularly good. Again, we like the genre. Wifey liked it, of course. She was definitely affected by it. I give this movie two people staring at each other in the mirror late at night wondering who that person behind them is...

P2

Starring: some White girl whose boobs were actually a helluva lot bigger than they first appeared and that creepy dude from AMERICAN BEAUTY who had a flying paper bag fetish

P2!! Woohahahaha!! That's my scary voice, by the way...

P2 is this surprisingly pretty good horror B-movie set in a parking garage. You know, the floor two floors below the lobby, P2? For some reason, as I was watching this movie, I kept thinking about that SEINFELD episode where they can't find their car. When I go to the doctor's, I always park on P1. Just letting you get a glimpse of my life.

Anyway, P2 is about this milky White undercover-boobed chick who gets stuck at work during the Xmas/New Year season. She's kind of a workaholic who's the last one to leave the office making small talk with your usual parking garage/office building security guards on the way out. There's one little problem though...THERE IS NO WAY OUT!!! WOOHAHAHAHA!!!

The movie actually starts off slow, and I thought I was headed for a little disappointment, but trust me, it has some "Holy $hit!" moments to spare. I actually liked the slow set-up now that I think of it. Kinda clever. Makes you feel like you're at work on a normal day going to retrieve your soon-to-be-stalled car from an isolated, dark, creepy parking structure.

You know that she's stuck. You know who's going to be the bad guy. You think you know all the cliched horrible things that are going to happen to her, but you're going to be wrong. You'll still be shocked. You'll still jump in your seat a little. You'll still be amazed at how much you actually are enjoying this movie. Beautiful and I just ate it all up.

I think the appeal of this movie was the fact that this could possibly happen to anyone, especially nowadays. Everyone's been in a parking structure alone and thought, "Whoa, little scary in here..." I'm sure girls everywhere can definitely relate. Keys out all in your knuckles and $hit.

Also, the villain is your creepy bad-date-gone-wrong stalkerish type. Maybe you'd rather be dead than have to be subjected to his calm, semi-pervy weirdness. You think you could easily kick his a$$, but his violent spontaneity makes you think twice.

Considering the overdone SAW crap they've been releasing lately, this movie was pretty good. Back to your good old-fashioned use of suspense. We were thoroughly entertained the entire way. I give this movie two minutes in an abandoned car...bouncing up and down...windows all fogging up...working the shocks...moaning and screaming...do you check up on it? Murder or rape? Consensual sex? P2? Hmmm...

21

Starring: Kevin Spacey, Laurence Fishburne, the overrated Kate Bosworth, and that funny Asian sidekick dude from DISTURBIA

21 is a movie about (what do you think?) blackjack. It takes place in Vegas. Specifically, the Planet Hollywood casino. That's two movies in a row on the Strip featuring a casino that just happened to be Planet Hollywood. Hmmm...makes sense that if Hollywood's on the Strip now, they'll have to be the one shining in your Vegas-featured Hollywood-made movie. Or maybe I'm just making up my own theories again.

Anyway, a bunch of college MIT nerds learn to count cards from Professor Spacey and set out to somehow beat the casinos and make a lot of money while flying under the radar. Guess what happens. Their little foolproof scheme has one weakness: emotion. However, with apple-and-pie Bosworth around, apparently, this is not possible. Actually, Fishburne's character had something to do with it, too. And a lot of other issues that occur when you put too smart people in a room together.

The movie was okay. Kinda predictable. I love Vegas, of course. Spacey and Fishburne are always cool. Bosworth, I don't know what's the appeal. Color me prejudiced. Color her tan. The counting techniques were pretty interesting to me. Of course, I'm delusional to think that I could figure it out and pull it off.

With the popularity of Texas Hold 'Em, I think this movie was trying to indirectly capitalize on it. I'm pretty sure that it did. But I didn't care much for it. If you're a blackjack junkie, you might catch a boner. I give this movie two aces to split, two jacks coming up to make 21, and two queens coming up to your room later that night to make 69. You know I had to go vulgar...

Transporter 3

Starring: Jason Statham and some Chernobyl trailer trash Russian chick

This movie sucked a$$!! Usually, I like this modern-day Van Damme/Seagal's movies, but this one was a little too much. I can't even remember what the hell happened in the first two TRANSPORTERs. Nor do I care. I just like when he kicks everybody's a$$. But then again, that was the problem.

The fight scenes are getting too crazy. Not like CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON flying-through-the-air crazy, but just, I don't know, like sliding-sideways-on-motorcycles-chase-a-car-down-with-a-bicycle crazy. Too much. It's ridiculous even for an action junkie like myself.

The only thing good about Statham is that he actually looks like he can kick some a$$ and he doesn't have to ooof some skank or run with his arms flailing like those other two 90's Whasian David Carradine bozos.

The only thing bad about Statham is that he's bald. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I like the bald look. So does my wife. Hopefully, forever 'cause she's got no choice.

This movie was so lame that I won't even bother telling you guys what it was about. Pretty much the same plot as his Transporter movies or his CRANK movies. Fight, fight, fight. Get the bad guy. Drive his shiny, black car. Wear a suit. Transport some package, which in this case was this unsexy Russian chick who was trying to grab onto his package.

I give this movie two sequels too many for an action franchise that will probably continue to make money because boneheads like myself keep renting it and because Americans like supporting any White guy who they think can emulate far more superior Asian martial artists so they can continue to falsely believe they can bully Asians everywhere. Get your guys' heads outta Chuck Norris's a$$!!

Role Models

Starring: Seann William Scott, Paul Rudd, some hilarious, vulgar Black kid, some hilarious, dorky White kid

Okay, hear me out. I'm going with the whole "expectations theory" on this one. You know, like if you expect a whole lot, the movie won't meet your expectations, but if you don't expect $hit, then you'll end up liking the movie. This movie was recommended to us by the Colmenaresessessss's hype machine, so I expected to be laughing my a$$ off. Oh, excuse me. I mean, I thought I would be ROTFLMAO, to be technologically and textually-correct. I'm down with the times, yo!

Anyway, it was definitely funny. It was definitely better than most comedies. I just thought I would be laughing throughout the entire movie. Maybe I'm jaded and I've seen too many movies.

Anyway, ROLE MODELS is about Stifler and that dude from CLUELESS who work a dead-end job selling some energy drink and giving "Just Say No" anti-drug speeches to kids. They're in their mid-30s, so while Stifler loves his job 'cause he sees the possibilities of pu$$y anywhere, Rudd's having a mid-life crisis and wants to do more.

They end up f@cking up somehow and have to either go to jail for 30 days or do some kinda big-brother mentoring program. They, of course, to support our movie premise, choose the latter. And this is where the hilarity starts.

Rudd's "little" is this dork of dorks who spends all his time in this imaginary Dungeons and Dragons world. He wears a cape, carries around this rubber sword, fights fake-battles, and hangs out with similarly creepy-dorky guys.

Stifler's kid is this crass, vulgar Black kid who swears constantly and looks at boobies. He's a complete terror. I'm actually shocked they let the kid swear so much, even if it is acting. Imagine if you were this kid's real-life parents. Do you sell-out?

To me, Stifler's kinda getting overdone, but Rudd is hilarious. Who would've thought that the guy would be one of today's go-to comedy guys? The guy from Clueless. Who would've thunk it? Maybe Alicia Silverstone while she's sitting unemployed at home. His subtle, witty one-liners always make me laugh. Or at least chuckle to myself.

But the overwhelming comedy force behind this movie is that Black kid. He's f@ckin' hilarious!! That muthaf@cker was saying some f@cked-up X-rated $hit!! Every time he was on screen, I shamelessly waited for him to say something crazy. Crazy thing is, he usually did. Humor has gone downhill. Kids are our new potty-humor mules. F@ckin' pathetic. But I love it!!

Pretty good raunchy movie with heart. Not in Apatow's league, but maybe right under Kevin Smith's. I give this movie two dysfunctional guys with two dysfunctional kids making a mockery of a mentoring program that I know works 'cause while I was taking a $hit one day, I looked up and saw a picture of someone I know who's actually doing some good in the program. Potty-humor, I tell you...

Race to Witch Mountain

Starring: The Rock, Carla Gugino, and that one female child/teen actress who appears in a lot of movies, but not Abigail Breslin or Dakota Fanning

Had to watch this with our kids today on a field trip. They were, surprisingly, very well-behaved. Unlike another team's kids who I won't mention, but will say that their primary leader is on maternity leave, which could explain all the craziness we witnessed today.

RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN is, I guess, the delayed-over-three-decades third installment of the Witch Mountain's trilogy. It's about this brother and sister alien tandem who come to Earth to do something that I won't disclose at this moment. Gotta keep the suspense going. Even if it is Disney.

The Rock is the cabbie who coincidentally runs into these kids who are themselves running away from these kinda NASA dudes. He, coincidentally, used to be some kinda driver for these mob-type guys. How convenient. So now, he's running away from the NASA dudes and some of those mobster guys who want him back in the game. And on top of all of that, they're in the lovely oasis of a desert we call Las Vegas.

Gugino plays some kinda alien/UFO expert who just happens to ride the Rock's cab (no, not like that) and is giving a seminar in Vegas while all this is happening. Hmmm...I wonder why she gets involved? Yeah, you'll see her at the beginning of the movie and at the end, flirting with the Rock and waving her bosoms in front of his face. Did you guys see RIGHTEOUS KILL with De Niro and Pacino? You'll never look at Carla Gugino the same way after that movie.

For a Disney, family-friendly movie, this movie had a lot of action, violence, suspense, and even a little horror. I liked it. Kept you entertained the whole way. Some parts were the usual cheesy Disney. I mean, come on, it's an alien Disney movie. For the most part though, pretty good movie. I didn't much care for the ending, but the action/suspense parts were pretty riveting (for a Disney movie).

Beautiful almost had multiples when the original kids from ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUTAIN made a cameo in this one bar scene. I wonder how many people actually noticed that? In a way, it was kinda obvious because as you're watching, you're wondering why they're concentrating so much on an unnecessary scene. I guess it's kinda cool. If you're a dork.

Anyway, seriously pretty good movie. The Rock doesn't really make bad movies, does he? Good family movie. The Mormons can get in their PG-8 rating and still be entertained without feeling guilty. Sorry. Had to throw that in. I give this movie two illegal aliens trying to cross the border into Earth, ending up, in of all places, Vegas, where everything on the strip looks like a UFO, driving by, ironically, Planet Hollywood, which, if you think about it, is pretty ironic and fitting at the same time...

W.

Starring: Josh Brolin and some other well-known actors that you'll recognize under all that prosthetics

W. is about our last bozo of a President, George W. Bush. I guess this movie is supposed to be a somewhat kinda truthful portrait of our hot mess of a President.

Basically, what I got out of this movie was that W. was pretty much the most successful SPED person of all time and that we are basically bullying everybody else for no other reason than to get oil. That's it. End of story.

Chronicling W's life is like watching any reality show on TV today with the exception being that he always got bailed out 'cause of who his dad was. His name saved him on countless occasions, and it goes to show that if you're rich and famous, you're always going to get a second, third, and 15th chance at life. I mean, come on, the guy goes on to become President of the United States. I don't know what's more amazing. That he made it to the Presidency or that Americans actually voted his a$$ in. What does that say about us and our supposedly superior country?

A lot of people (well, okay, just Tom) said that you'd feel bad for the guy by the end of the movie. I didn't. He's a f@ck-up. Plain and simple. This movie just shows what'll happen if your family's well-known and/or rich. The only thing I'll give the guy was that he sure was confident and feisty. He wanted to kick everybody else's country's a$$. Everybody. All guts. No brains. Fighting against his brother Jeb his whole life.

I also felt that Colin Powell held strong to the end, but basically sold out to the White guys. Yeah, even Condoleezza Rice's white. And that's no small potatoes. Get it? Hardy, har, har, har!!

Thank goodness for Obama. Now, we can finally look for Osama. Or maybe stop the war, be at peace like the Dalai Lama. Look me in the eye, I'll spit on you like a llama. No more drama, who are you? My baby mama?

Interesting movie, but it makes you realize how f@cked-up our country and its leaders may really be. I give this movie two gazillion gallons of oil stolen from your nearest global oil field like Captain Cook stole the 'aina from our people. Damn capitalistic haoles!!