Tell No One

Starring: a bunch of French people

Okay, can anyone tell me why an American Edgar Award-winning writer gets his New York Times bestselling-novel made into a French movie? I don't get that. Nevertheless, it didn't take away from the movie at all. I'm actually looking forward to reading the book now. Actually, I had planned to read the book first, but I'm waiting for the damn thing to be transferred to my local library.

TELL NO ONE is this awesome thriller of a movie about this doctor guy who's madly in love with his wife, and one day, when they're skinny-dipping at the local pond, she gets kidnapped and he gets knocked unconscious. They show her naked. Oh, those naughty Frenchies!

Anyway, eight years later, after being cleared of his wife's killing, he gets a mysterious email with a link to a video that shows...SURPRISE!!...HIS WIFE!!! What??!! He continues to get these strange emails that offer him little clues to meet in odd places.

Not only is he trying to figure out whether or not his wife is really alive, but the police is on his trail again being that they recently found two more bodies that were buried near that fateful pond. What the hell is going on??!!

Throughout the movie, he's running from the law, trying to figure out the circumstances of his wife's death, and along the way, people keep dying and he keeps getting blamed.

The best thing about this movie is that you really don't know what the hell's going on either. You know how when you watch most movies, you're like, "Ah, I got it already..." halfway through the movie. This one's a doozy. It'll keep your head spinning. It's over two hours, but it didn't feel like it. At first, the subtitles bothered me, but you get used to it.

Seriously, this was one of the best thrillers I've seen in awhile. Beautiful wouldn't go that far, but she really enjoyed it. It was like I was watching an onion unfold...wait, wait. It was like I was watching my mom's rainbow jello get eaten layer by layer...wait, wait. It was like I was trapped in this makeshift cave of Hawaiian quilts and I had to fight my way out...wait, wait. It was like meeting with our hottie psychologist and trying to discuss all my underlying issues...ah, whatever...you know what I mean, right? It was like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, buried under bull$hit. Something like that.

Let's just say that I was highly anticipating this movie, and it didn't disappoint. Great movie. Tell Everyone to go see it. Get it? I give this movie two people skinny-dipping in a pond...and then, this hockey masked-wearing guy shows up...but then, this shark fin appears in the middle of the pond...then all of a sudden, you hear noises in the bushes and the movie's black and white and this girl with boogers coming out of her nose is the only thing you can see...but then, everybody blows up and it was all just a dream...

Monsters Vs. Aliens

Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Seth Rogen, Hugh Laurie, Paul Rudd, Kiefer Sutherland, Stephen Colbert, and others

Damn, this movie was the shizzle!! Definitely, the best kids movie we've ever seen together with the kids. And it wasn't even Pixar. I don't know though. UP is coming this summer.

MONSTERS VS. ALIENS, if you haven't seen the previews three thousand times, is about the Earth getting invaded (again) by aliens and how we fight them using monsters that we've got stashed away.

We've got Susan (Witherspoon) who's a gentle giant. This brainy Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. dude played with his normal English voice by Dr. Gregory House M.D. This gelatinous, brainless blob named B.O.B. played by Rogen. The Missing Link, this fish-looking, tough-talking creature played by some SNL cast member. And this gigantic mute caterpillar.

Anyway, because it's a cartoon, you won't get bored in any way seeing the same old alien invasion genre. The movie is awesome. Excellent graphics. Cutesy, kid-friendly characters. Funny, adult humor. Not adult like porn, but adult like over-the-kids'-heads. The one-liners are witty and quotable. The movie keeps you, as well as the kids, entertained all the way through.

We're chang, so we didn't see the 3D-version, but you could tell which parts were made just for the 3D enjoyment. Stuff blowing up and flying outward towards you. It's probably neat. $3.50 more per person neat? I don't think so.

All the characters were lovable, but I really liked House, Rogen, and Witherspoon's characters in particular. House because, well, he's House. Even under his native English tongue, you could still recognize the razor-sharp wit and sarcasm. Rogen's hilarious. Is this guy ever not funny? He played the dimwitted blob perfectly. He had the best jokes. Every time he said something, it had everybody rolling. Reese's main character in the movie was classic Witherspoon. I've always liked her. Not necessarily her movies, just her. I know that sounds pretty dumb, but there's something about her. I think if I had to pick an actress based on only personality, I'd pick her. The last time I actually liked a female cartoon character was, probably, THE LITTLE MERMAID. And I mean that in a serious, non-perverse way. I really liked Susan. You will, too.

The strength of the movie though has to be the camaraderie of the monsters. How they stick together and fight for each other and try to kick the aliens' a$$es. It was like watching an animated INDEPENDENCE DAY where you're kinda rooting for us, the good guys, to kick some foreign alien a$$. The action in this movie was good, too.

Okay, too much to talk about. My review's not even doing the movie justice. Trust me, this movie is out-of-this-world! Hardy, har, har, har!! Go take your kids and see it. Hell, go see it without kids. I guarantee you'll enjoy it. We did. DreamWorks is catching up! I give this movie two kids who were really grateful for their surprise today, and one, in particular, who was so happy that she couldn't stop talking out loud at the screen. Is Kawai part-Black?

The Gift

Starring: Cate Blanchett, Keanu Reaves, Katie Holmes, Greg Kinnear, Giovanni Ribisi, Hilary Swank, that Peter Parker's grandma-aunty from the SPIDERMAN movies, that weirdo-boss from OFFICE SPACE, and that old prisoner who had the circus mouse in THE GREEN MILE

Damn, this movie was packed with talent! If only I had recognized this in 2000, I would've maybe watched it then instead of now. I just remember Keanu Reeves playing a bad guy and thinking, "Whoa, Ted from BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE can't play no villain!" I don't think I even knew who Cate Blanchett was. Or Hilary Swank.

THE GIFT is true to its title. It's a movie that presents itself across several different genres. First of all, you've got the country bumpkin trailer trash aspect. Blanchett is a widowed single-mom with three kids who reads peoples' fortunes on the side to make money. All these ignorant bozos with issues come to her to get answers and look up to her almost as a guidance counselor. She plays the role straight. Nothing cheesy about her so-called fortune-telling. For some reason, I've always found Blanchett to be somewhat attractive in a vanilla sort of way. I don't know why. I just do.

Problems start when beaten-down Swank enters the movie asking for advice from Blanchett when everyone knows that she should leave her wife-beater of a husband, Keanu Reeves. Reeves surprisingly plays the menacing-bully role pretty damn good. I was pretty impressed. And he didn't have to use any of that lame MATRIX martial arts. He and Swank kinda represent the violent part of the movie.

Katie Holmes and Greg Kinnear are the happily engaged couple. Only problem is, Greg's the good-guy-principal-of-the-local-elementary-school and Holmes is the town whore. She shows her t!tties. They were actually bigger than I thought they would be. I wonder if Tom Cruise saw this movie and thought, "I have to meet her..." This could represent the scandalous part of the movie.

Ribisi plays this kinda mental guy who everyone's afraid of. Doesn't he always play the retarded guy? He, along with Swank, are among Blanchett's regular clientele. More like irregular though.

Anyway, somebody gets killed, Blanchett "sees" it, and the little town goes crazy. That's all I'm gonna say. The whole movie's suspenseful, so I don't want to ruin it.

Considering that this was an old movie, we definitely enjoyed it. I'd have to say that as far as thrillers go, this one was pretty up there. Especially recently with all the junk that we've watched. I'm glad that we rented it and I highly recommend it. You'll be entertained throughout. I give this movie two hairy palms to be read...but you can't see anything...too much hair...too many blisters...too much lotion on it...blinded...don't wanna talk about it...you know what you gotta stop doing...

Shiver

Starring: a bunch of Spanish people

SHIVER is this subtitled Spanish movie about this photophobic boy and his mom (and later, his part-time dad) who move to another town to start a new life and get less sun 'cause the boy's genetic disorder is getting worse. He was getting picked on in his hometown anyway, so it was time to leave the sun and the a$$holes.

In his new town, the bullying starts all over again. They pick on him like he's the new freak kid. On top of all that, he goes in the woods one day with two other boys, one of 'em ends up dying, and he gets blamed. Throughout the movie, weird things keep happening in the forest, people turn up dead, and he somehow becomes the scapegoat. Talk about a $hitty life.

Something is going on in the forest. Think THE VILLAGE, but only cheesier and less scary. We thought the movie was okay. Luckily, I didn't have to play pee pee duty or move to the outside of the bed. Wasn't all that scary. Even when you finally find out what's going on, it's not all that satisfying. They tried to throw in a little twist to explain everything, but again, nothing spectacular. I'd have to rate this movie on the bottom of our Roku'd horror movies.

Skip this movie. Unless you're trying to brush up on your high school Spanish. The least they could've done was show some naked Spanish girls. But alas, they did not. I give this movie two doses of Spanish Fly and an urban legend consisting of a mamacita and the stick shift in your car. Either that or two tacos for 99 cents at your local Jack in a Crack. Depends whether or not you think Spanish and Mexican are the same thing...

Mirrors

Starring: Kiefer Sutherland, Amy Smart, and some poor man's Halle Berry chick

Remember, we like the genre. Cheesy, horror flicks. Not that this is one. Okay, maybe a little.

MIRRORS is a documentary about Kiefer Sutherland reflecting on his career and how he went from THE LOST BOYS, YOUNG GUNS, and FLATLINERS, through boning Julia Roberts in the middle, hitting the apex by starring in a hit TV show, 24, and then, somehow ending up in this weird-a$$ movie.

Okay, really. MIRRORS is about this down-and-out NYPD cop who f@cked-up somehow, is trying to stay on the wagon, and for some inexplicable reason, decides to work at this burned-down building as a security guard. He also is separated from his semi-hot wife and rarely gets to see his kids until he gets his act straight.

While working at the spacious, mirror-filled building, he witnesses some strange occurrences. Of course he does. That's what makes the movie. Basically, your cliched reflection-doing-crazy-things-you're-really-not-doing kinda spooky stuff. He, surprisingly, keeps going back to work at night to find out why this is happening. Who gives a f@ck, right? Apparently, Kiefer does. And so, the rest of the movie plays out for our entertainment. I won't spoil it, of course. Let's just say that wherever there's mirrors, $hit's gonna happen.

Personally, I didn't think the movie was all that scary. And it's not 'cause I'm trying to be all macho and $hit. It really didn't scare me like other movies. You could tell when something was coming. Lots of blood and gore, but all movies have that nowadays, so it's hard to outdo what's already been done.

Beautiful, on the other hand, couldn't even go to the bathroom by herself. I had to just stand there and watch her pee. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but after midnight, I don't know, kinda pushing it. She even slept on the other side of the bed not near our bedroom door. I thought that was funny.

Some scary parts. Not all that exceptional. I kinda liked it even though it wasn't all that particularly good. Again, we like the genre. Wifey liked it, of course. She was definitely affected by it. I give this movie two people staring at each other in the mirror late at night wondering who that person behind them is...

P2

Starring: some White girl whose boobs were actually a helluva lot bigger than they first appeared and that creepy dude from AMERICAN BEAUTY who had a flying paper bag fetish

P2!! Woohahahaha!! That's my scary voice, by the way...

P2 is this surprisingly pretty good horror B-movie set in a parking garage. You know, the floor two floors below the lobby, P2? For some reason, as I was watching this movie, I kept thinking about that SEINFELD episode where they can't find their car. When I go to the doctor's, I always park on P1. Just letting you get a glimpse of my life.

Anyway, P2 is about this milky White undercover-boobed chick who gets stuck at work during the Xmas/New Year season. She's kind of a workaholic who's the last one to leave the office making small talk with your usual parking garage/office building security guards on the way out. There's one little problem though...THERE IS NO WAY OUT!!! WOOHAHAHAHA!!!

The movie actually starts off slow, and I thought I was headed for a little disappointment, but trust me, it has some "Holy $hit!" moments to spare. I actually liked the slow set-up now that I think of it. Kinda clever. Makes you feel like you're at work on a normal day going to retrieve your soon-to-be-stalled car from an isolated, dark, creepy parking structure.

You know that she's stuck. You know who's going to be the bad guy. You think you know all the cliched horrible things that are going to happen to her, but you're going to be wrong. You'll still be shocked. You'll still jump in your seat a little. You'll still be amazed at how much you actually are enjoying this movie. Beautiful and I just ate it all up.

I think the appeal of this movie was the fact that this could possibly happen to anyone, especially nowadays. Everyone's been in a parking structure alone and thought, "Whoa, little scary in here..." I'm sure girls everywhere can definitely relate. Keys out all in your knuckles and $hit.

Also, the villain is your creepy bad-date-gone-wrong stalkerish type. Maybe you'd rather be dead than have to be subjected to his calm, semi-pervy weirdness. You think you could easily kick his a$$, but his violent spontaneity makes you think twice.

Considering the overdone SAW crap they've been releasing lately, this movie was pretty good. Back to your good old-fashioned use of suspense. We were thoroughly entertained the entire way. I give this movie two minutes in an abandoned car...bouncing up and down...windows all fogging up...working the shocks...moaning and screaming...do you check up on it? Murder or rape? Consensual sex? P2? Hmmm...

21

Starring: Kevin Spacey, Laurence Fishburne, the overrated Kate Bosworth, and that funny Asian sidekick dude from DISTURBIA

21 is a movie about (what do you think?) blackjack. It takes place in Vegas. Specifically, the Planet Hollywood casino. That's two movies in a row on the Strip featuring a casino that just happened to be Planet Hollywood. Hmmm...makes sense that if Hollywood's on the Strip now, they'll have to be the one shining in your Vegas-featured Hollywood-made movie. Or maybe I'm just making up my own theories again.

Anyway, a bunch of college MIT nerds learn to count cards from Professor Spacey and set out to somehow beat the casinos and make a lot of money while flying under the radar. Guess what happens. Their little foolproof scheme has one weakness: emotion. However, with apple-and-pie Bosworth around, apparently, this is not possible. Actually, Fishburne's character had something to do with it, too. And a lot of other issues that occur when you put too smart people in a room together.

The movie was okay. Kinda predictable. I love Vegas, of course. Spacey and Fishburne are always cool. Bosworth, I don't know what's the appeal. Color me prejudiced. Color her tan. The counting techniques were pretty interesting to me. Of course, I'm delusional to think that I could figure it out and pull it off.

With the popularity of Texas Hold 'Em, I think this movie was trying to indirectly capitalize on it. I'm pretty sure that it did. But I didn't care much for it. If you're a blackjack junkie, you might catch a boner. I give this movie two aces to split, two jacks coming up to make 21, and two queens coming up to your room later that night to make 69. You know I had to go vulgar...

Transporter 3

Starring: Jason Statham and some Chernobyl trailer trash Russian chick

This movie sucked a$$!! Usually, I like this modern-day Van Damme/Seagal's movies, but this one was a little too much. I can't even remember what the hell happened in the first two TRANSPORTERs. Nor do I care. I just like when he kicks everybody's a$$. But then again, that was the problem.

The fight scenes are getting too crazy. Not like CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON flying-through-the-air crazy, but just, I don't know, like sliding-sideways-on-motorcycles-chase-a-car-down-with-a-bicycle crazy. Too much. It's ridiculous even for an action junkie like myself.

The only thing good about Statham is that he actually looks like he can kick some a$$ and he doesn't have to ooof some skank or run with his arms flailing like those other two 90's Whasian David Carradine bozos.

The only thing bad about Statham is that he's bald. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I like the bald look. So does my wife. Hopefully, forever 'cause she's got no choice.

This movie was so lame that I won't even bother telling you guys what it was about. Pretty much the same plot as his Transporter movies or his CRANK movies. Fight, fight, fight. Get the bad guy. Drive his shiny, black car. Wear a suit. Transport some package, which in this case was this unsexy Russian chick who was trying to grab onto his package.

I give this movie two sequels too many for an action franchise that will probably continue to make money because boneheads like myself keep renting it and because Americans like supporting any White guy who they think can emulate far more superior Asian martial artists so they can continue to falsely believe they can bully Asians everywhere. Get your guys' heads outta Chuck Norris's a$$!!

Role Models

Starring: Seann William Scott, Paul Rudd, some hilarious, vulgar Black kid, some hilarious, dorky White kid

Okay, hear me out. I'm going with the whole "expectations theory" on this one. You know, like if you expect a whole lot, the movie won't meet your expectations, but if you don't expect $hit, then you'll end up liking the movie. This movie was recommended to us by the Colmenaresessessss's hype machine, so I expected to be laughing my a$$ off. Oh, excuse me. I mean, I thought I would be ROTFLMAO, to be technologically and textually-correct. I'm down with the times, yo!

Anyway, it was definitely funny. It was definitely better than most comedies. I just thought I would be laughing throughout the entire movie. Maybe I'm jaded and I've seen too many movies.

Anyway, ROLE MODELS is about Stifler and that dude from CLUELESS who work a dead-end job selling some energy drink and giving "Just Say No" anti-drug speeches to kids. They're in their mid-30s, so while Stifler loves his job 'cause he sees the possibilities of pu$$y anywhere, Rudd's having a mid-life crisis and wants to do more.

They end up f@cking up somehow and have to either go to jail for 30 days or do some kinda big-brother mentoring program. They, of course, to support our movie premise, choose the latter. And this is where the hilarity starts.

Rudd's "little" is this dork of dorks who spends all his time in this imaginary Dungeons and Dragons world. He wears a cape, carries around this rubber sword, fights fake-battles, and hangs out with similarly creepy-dorky guys.

Stifler's kid is this crass, vulgar Black kid who swears constantly and looks at boobies. He's a complete terror. I'm actually shocked they let the kid swear so much, even if it is acting. Imagine if you were this kid's real-life parents. Do you sell-out?

To me, Stifler's kinda getting overdone, but Rudd is hilarious. Who would've thought that the guy would be one of today's go-to comedy guys? The guy from Clueless. Who would've thunk it? Maybe Alicia Silverstone while she's sitting unemployed at home. His subtle, witty one-liners always make me laugh. Or at least chuckle to myself.

But the overwhelming comedy force behind this movie is that Black kid. He's f@ckin' hilarious!! That muthaf@cker was saying some f@cked-up X-rated $hit!! Every time he was on screen, I shamelessly waited for him to say something crazy. Crazy thing is, he usually did. Humor has gone downhill. Kids are our new potty-humor mules. F@ckin' pathetic. But I love it!!

Pretty good raunchy movie with heart. Not in Apatow's league, but maybe right under Kevin Smith's. I give this movie two dysfunctional guys with two dysfunctional kids making a mockery of a mentoring program that I know works 'cause while I was taking a $hit one day, I looked up and saw a picture of someone I know who's actually doing some good in the program. Potty-humor, I tell you...

Race to Witch Mountain

Starring: The Rock, Carla Gugino, and that one female child/teen actress who appears in a lot of movies, but not Abigail Breslin or Dakota Fanning

Had to watch this with our kids today on a field trip. They were, surprisingly, very well-behaved. Unlike another team's kids who I won't mention, but will say that their primary leader is on maternity leave, which could explain all the craziness we witnessed today.

RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN is, I guess, the delayed-over-three-decades third installment of the Witch Mountain's trilogy. It's about this brother and sister alien tandem who come to Earth to do something that I won't disclose at this moment. Gotta keep the suspense going. Even if it is Disney.

The Rock is the cabbie who coincidentally runs into these kids who are themselves running away from these kinda NASA dudes. He, coincidentally, used to be some kinda driver for these mob-type guys. How convenient. So now, he's running away from the NASA dudes and some of those mobster guys who want him back in the game. And on top of all of that, they're in the lovely oasis of a desert we call Las Vegas.

Gugino plays some kinda alien/UFO expert who just happens to ride the Rock's cab (no, not like that) and is giving a seminar in Vegas while all this is happening. Hmmm...I wonder why she gets involved? Yeah, you'll see her at the beginning of the movie and at the end, flirting with the Rock and waving her bosoms in front of his face. Did you guys see RIGHTEOUS KILL with De Niro and Pacino? You'll never look at Carla Gugino the same way after that movie.

For a Disney, family-friendly movie, this movie had a lot of action, violence, suspense, and even a little horror. I liked it. Kept you entertained the whole way. Some parts were the usual cheesy Disney. I mean, come on, it's an alien Disney movie. For the most part though, pretty good movie. I didn't much care for the ending, but the action/suspense parts were pretty riveting (for a Disney movie).

Beautiful almost had multiples when the original kids from ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUTAIN made a cameo in this one bar scene. I wonder how many people actually noticed that? In a way, it was kinda obvious because as you're watching, you're wondering why they're concentrating so much on an unnecessary scene. I guess it's kinda cool. If you're a dork.

Anyway, seriously pretty good movie. The Rock doesn't really make bad movies, does he? Good family movie. The Mormons can get in their PG-8 rating and still be entertained without feeling guilty. Sorry. Had to throw that in. I give this movie two illegal aliens trying to cross the border into Earth, ending up, in of all places, Vegas, where everything on the strip looks like a UFO, driving by, ironically, Planet Hollywood, which, if you think about it, is pretty ironic and fitting at the same time...

W.

Starring: Josh Brolin and some other well-known actors that you'll recognize under all that prosthetics

W. is about our last bozo of a President, George W. Bush. I guess this movie is supposed to be a somewhat kinda truthful portrait of our hot mess of a President.

Basically, what I got out of this movie was that W. was pretty much the most successful SPED person of all time and that we are basically bullying everybody else for no other reason than to get oil. That's it. End of story.

Chronicling W's life is like watching any reality show on TV today with the exception being that he always got bailed out 'cause of who his dad was. His name saved him on countless occasions, and it goes to show that if you're rich and famous, you're always going to get a second, third, and 15th chance at life. I mean, come on, the guy goes on to become President of the United States. I don't know what's more amazing. That he made it to the Presidency or that Americans actually voted his a$$ in. What does that say about us and our supposedly superior country?

A lot of people (well, okay, just Tom) said that you'd feel bad for the guy by the end of the movie. I didn't. He's a f@ck-up. Plain and simple. This movie just shows what'll happen if your family's well-known and/or rich. The only thing I'll give the guy was that he sure was confident and feisty. He wanted to kick everybody else's country's a$$. Everybody. All guts. No brains. Fighting against his brother Jeb his whole life.

I also felt that Colin Powell held strong to the end, but basically sold out to the White guys. Yeah, even Condoleezza Rice's white. And that's no small potatoes. Get it? Hardy, har, har, har!!

Thank goodness for Obama. Now, we can finally look for Osama. Or maybe stop the war, be at peace like the Dalai Lama. Look me in the eye, I'll spit on you like a llama. No more drama, who are you? My baby mama?

Interesting movie, but it makes you realize how f@cked-up our country and its leaders may really be. I give this movie two gazillion gallons of oil stolen from your nearest global oil field like Captain Cook stole the 'aina from our people. Damn capitalistic haoles!!

Mr. Brooks

Starring: Kevin Costner, Demi Moore, Dane Cook, William Hurt, and that blonde milf from CSI

MR. BROOKS is about this all-around great CEO guy (Costner) who, during his spare time, always has the urge to kill people. He recently has been keeping himself in check, but lately, the urges have been too much. He ends up regressing to his old, bad self and meticulously ends up smoking this couple as they're oofing. Problem is, some perv across the way catches him, and so to stay out of trouble, the guy makes a deal with him to take him on his next kill. Yup, it's that kinda movie.

Demi Moore plays the cop hot on his trail. William Hurt plays his alter ego. Dane Cook is the perv from around the way. CSI girl is Costner's wife.

Costner surprisingly plays the dual role pretty damn well. Demi Moore was her usual kinda sexy-without-really-trying-to-be-sexy self. Wasn't Demi Moore Angelina Jolie before Angelina Jolie? Think about it.

The movie was not bad. Pretty good actually. I've never really heard of this movie, but it was getting good reviews on Netflix, so I had to check it out. Sorry, though, no naked Demi in this one.

As far as thrillers go, pretty good flick. I give this movie two personalities clashing with themselves trying to figure out which one is the real you...