More Sneak Reviews

Oh, forgot these two:

CLEANER - Samuel L. Jackson, Ed Harris, and the sultry Eva Mendes. Not bad little movie with some pop. Got about 90 minutes to spare? This movie's for you. Different. Like a longer episode of CSI. We liked it.

BOLT - Do it for the kids. Excellent movie about a dog who doesn't know he's a stunt dog. Cutesy story. Funny lines. Great for the kids and adults. Pixar-comparable. Rent it. You won't be disappointed. One of the better animated movies we've seen, and believe me, we've seen a lot lately.


Okay. Two thumbs up for both of these flicks. So, I guess you could say, "four thumbs up!" That's almost a whole hand. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it could only end up badly, so I'll stop. Stay cool. See you next year. Nice knowing a cool guy like you...

Sneak Reviews

Okay, I've been pretty busy (on Facebook), so here's some quickie reviews:

DOUBT - Suitable title. You'll been in doubt as to what really happened in the movie. Great actors/actresses in the movie. A slugfest of acting, really. Amy Adams plays naive and innocent really well, kinda like her ENCHANTED role.

CUJO - This movie was lame. I expected Bartholomew to be bigger and scarier. He looked like he was going to give some lost people in a snowstorm some drink. Isn't this just a movie about infidelity surrounded by a rabid dog just to keep it interesting? Terrible.

DECEPTION - Maggie Q shows her a$$ in this one, so I'll give it bonus points, but overall, the movie was more twisted than a pretzel. Wasn't good like one though. I was sucked in 'cause the movie was about a sex club, but just like softcore, girly-porn, I was left with blue balls. The title suggests the feeling you have after renting this piece of $hit.


Doubt was pretty good. The other two sucked a$$. Take it easy. Take care now...

Stir of Echoes

Starring: Kevin Bacon, Cameron from HOUSE, SEINFELD's friend from childhood that he outgrew

STIR OF ECHOES? Yeah, that's right. I've never seen it before and the Wifey suggested it. Isn't it just THE SIXTH SENSE? I thought so. Pretty good movie considering it was from 1999. When was Sixth Sense made?

Anyway, if you haven't seen it, it's about Kevin Bacon being hypnotized by his bitchy sister-in-law and then having these flashes of some chick he doesn't even know. That's the movie.

It's pretty creepy and scary. Kind of a thriller-horror movie. I think I've seen it before, but I couldn't remember 'cause I've seen so many movies.

I actually liked it. Even though you can kinda figure out what's going on halfway through the movie. Didn't you girls just loooove Kevin's Bacon? Considering the crap he usually makes, this one was not bad.

Okay, that's it. Can't crack too many jokes about a 90's horror movie that everyone's probably seen...

Bedtime Stories

Starring: Adam Sandler, all his usual buddies, Keri Russell, Courteney Cox, Guy Pearce, Lucy Lawless, Carmen Electra

BEDTIME STORIES? What do you think it's about? Do it for the kids. Yup, that's right. This was, obviously, a movie pick for the family. Although I do like Adam Sandler for some reason.

Bedtime Stories is about this sorta loser guy whose Pops used to own a hotel and tell him these great bedtime stories every night. Although he's promised the hotel later when his Pops sells the hotel and passes on, he ends up being a janitor/Mr. Fix-It kinda guy who gets $hit on every day.

He ends up taking care of his niece and nephew one week and tells these made-up stories to them, and the parts that the kids add on to his stories end up coming true. From then on, he tries to manipulate these stories to his advantage so that he can end up being in charge of the hotel he was promised previously.

Original method of repeating a common theme of kids' movies. Kids use their imagination and creativity. Good things start happening. We get to watch a real-life fairy tale unfold. Remember, it's for kids. It is Disney.

Keri Russell looks like Cameron from HOUSE. Courteney Cox is getting old. Guy Pearce...I can't believe that's the guy from MEMENTO. Lucy Lawless...can't believe she was XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS, that hidden-lesbo TV series.

Adam Sandler? He has a knack for making likable, entertaining movies. He's like that funny, sometimes goofy guy who can be cool and punky, but has a heart, too. I always like his movies. I don't know what it is. Well, except LITTLE NICKY. And BILLY MADISON. Those were a little too silly for me.

Watch it with the kids. I don't see why you would watch this without kids unless you're a huge Adam Sandler fan. Pretty good movie. Not spectacular, but some heartfelt moments there. Little bit. Not enough to make you cry though. I give this movie two kids who make up their own stories every day at dinner except I hope they don't come true otherwise we'd be hanging out with a guy who had his arm cut off and Nacho Nacho Man...

Pineapple Express

Starring: Seth Rogen, James Franco, that funny dude from THE FOOT FIST WAY, that guy from OFFICE SPACE, Rosie Perez, Ed Begley Jr.

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS is your basic Mary Jane movie where a couple of buddies get high and then get into a bunch of wild $hit and have to find their way out. Think Cheech and Chong's UP IN SMOKE or HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE with a Judd Apatow twist. Funny $hit, right? I don't know. I guess.

There's one problem with watching these types of movies. I never smoked weed in my life. Neither has my wife. I mean, I know all of you mofos do, but not us innocent guys.

Soooo, when we watch these movies, although it's funny most of the time, I'm sure we're missing out on all the subtle Chronic jokes here and there. Maybe you guys even smoke a blunt while watching it. You'd probably think it was the best movie ever made.

Seth Rogen is teddy bear funny like our Tongan friend who works with us. You know who you are. He's just a likable dude. James Franco was actually funnier than I thought he would be. He played the pot seller guy. That guy from The Foot Fist Way, Danny McBride, cracks me up all the time. He seems to have bit parts in all the comedies now. I think it'll only be a matter of time until he becomes the feature guy. He's hilarious.

So Rogen and Franco witness this murder and somehow there's a corrupt cop (Perez) involved and they just spend the whole movie trying to run away from the bad guys who figure out it's them because they dropped their joint and it led back to them 'cause they were the only ones with access to "Pineapple Express," the Maui Wowie of today. That's the gist of it.

The movie kinda grew on me. Light, harmless entertainment. Unless you start hitting the bong 'cause of this movie. Not bad. Not like I was dying laughing or anything like that. It was a'ight. I give this movie two guys hitting the Chronic undercover after golf in the parking lot, smuggling their stash in a Twisted Metal video game case...

Quarantine

Starring: DEXTER's sister, the main Black dude from STOMP THE YARD, Jay Hernandez, the Black guy who ended up in a wheelchair in DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN, hottie Maya from HEROES

Okay, you're either going to:

A) Think this movie was the greatest thing since THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
B) Get sick of all the shaking
C) Be scared $hitless
D) Laugh throughout and think that this is the lamest horror movie made in a long time


I don't know about Beautiful, but I thought this movie was pretty good. A step above Blair Witch. I know she was getting scared towards the end. I thought it was kinda creative considering the genre.

QUARANTINE is a movie filmed like a documentary in which a newsreporter and her cameraman start off filming firemen, but then end up getting more than they bargained for. The movie starts off pleasant, almost like a college dorm, then gets crazy pretty quickly. The firemen take a call to an apartment building where, yes, they all end up being quarantined.

What's going on is...you'll figure it out. The shaky filming provide the perfect effect for scaring the bejesus out of you. Creepy things come in and out of view. The camera light goes in and out. Lots of running away. Pretty suspenseful stuff. Or you might think its lame. Or you might throw up.

Again, we actually liked the movie. Pretty scary. Pretty predictable though. Short and sweet, running time-wise. Like riding a roller coaster. I thought everyone acted pretty $hitty pretty well. They had to act like they were actually filming a documentary. That must be hard. Like playing yourself. Although playing with yourself is not too hard. Unless it's not hard. Or so I've heard.

Remember when Blair Witch first came out and everybody thought it was real? Then, when we found out that it was a hoax, the movie lost its appeal and all you had was some chick with boogers coming out of her nose running around in the forest from nothing but the sound of stepped-on branches and her imagination. I guess perception can be scarier than reality. And a lot more interesting. And, I guess, more believable.

Pretty good movie. Quick, immediate, spooky dose of Hershey squirts in the pants. Watch it at night with the lights off and I'll bet it's even scarier. I give this movie two minutes of grainy, dark footage and a lot of shaking and screaming and a big snake trying to get in that bush...

Slumdog Millionaire

Starring: that Indian dude from SHORT CIRCUIT ("Johnny Five is alive!!)...nah, just kidding. A whole truckload of Indian people, including hottie Freida Pinto (who'll probably be in demand after this movie...)

Holy sippin' slurpees from 7-11!! This movie is f@ckin' AWESOME!! Best Picture of the Year, it better be.

You know, I don't know if I've just become more mature with my movie picks or the Academy has gotten better with their choices, but remember when you were little and you tried to watch some Best Picture flick and it sucked a$$? Well, that's how it used to be for me. But ever since they started choosing some real kick a$$ movies like BRAVEHEART, I've kinda trusted them. CRASH, MILLION DOLLAR BABY, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. These movies were not only critically-acclaimed, but entertaining as well.

Anyway, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE is this damn good original movie about this kid who, believe it or not, ends up going on the hit show WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? and is pretty much accused of cheating. As they try to find out the truth about his cheating, he recounts all of his childhood experiences. This is the bread and butter of the movie. I'm actually surprised Beautiful didn't end up bawling. Weird. I think she feels no sympathy for anybody who's Gandhi ever since Sharma graced us with his presence.

There, that's it. To tell you guys more would ruin this masterpiece of a movie. I know it doesn't sound all that intriguing, but give it a chance, I guarantee you won't be disappointed. The daring, original premise of this movie alone had me thinking about how creative the human mind can be. For some reason, I'm getting GOOD WILL HUNTING crossed with ONCE WERE WARRIORS even though it's really neither. That's just the vibe I was getting as I watched.

This movie has the intrigue. It has the sickening tragedy. It has the underdog theme. And underneath it all lies the ever-so-universal love and romance theme. This movie has it all, baby!! No bull$hitting either. You know that feeling you had when you saw CRASH or MILLION DOLLAR BABY where you were just like, "Wow! What a well-crafted movie..."? That's what I kept thinking afterwards. Pure genius. It's movies like this that keep me watching movies. What the f@ck am I saying? I'll watch anything.

Anyway, great f@ckin' movie!! If I could recommend only one movie (or you could only watch one movie on the account of you only being on the one-movie-at-a-time Netflix plan), you should definitely watch this. Best Picture. Can't go wrong. You'll be amazed. Unless I overhyped it already. Did I mention that the main girl is kinda hot? I hope she's of age or I'm a perv.

I give this movie two billion Indians looking to technologically dominate the world in a few years according to that lame video with African music that we've seen too many times. I'm gonna get me a slurpee...

Do it. You know you want to. Buy a slurpee. Put a red dot on your forehead. Now, pop in the DVD and enjoy...

And then, do some Kama Sutra for the after-party...

Jai Ho, bitches!!

Lakeview Terrace

Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Kerry Washington, Jay Hernandez, and that White guy who was ooofing Kate Winslet in LITTLE CHILDREN

LAKEVIEW TERRACE is another pretty damn good movie featuring workaholic actor Samuel L. Jackson. "Yes, they deserved to die. I hope they burn in hell!!" Remember that line? He's the best screaming actor of all time. How come they don't have the "Six Degrees of Samuel L. Jackson?" Hasn't he made more movies than Kevin Bacon? Where the hell is Kevin Bacon? If not more movies, definitely better. He's the coolest cat in the litter.

Lakeview Terrace is this crazy movie about an Oreo couple who move next door to Jackson only to be terrorized by him each day. Not only is he black, he's also blue...as in, he's a cop. He's bruised-up all black and blue.

First, the harassment starts off slowly. A little joke here, a racist comment there. Next thing you know, he's getting all Samuel L. on 'em. You'll see. You'll be like, "What the f@ck??!!" like all them Black folk yelling at the screen at the theaters. I think we felt Black. Even though the movie was about reverse racism. Sorta. You'll feel like a victim of racism. Except the guy was White. But his wife was Black. But the guy being racist was Jackson, who's Black. And he was a cop, who you think would uphold the law and go out of his way not to be racist. But then, the movie's not about you 'cause you're Asian. So how could you feel like the victim? Let's just say that we sympathized (empathized?) with the main zebra characters.

Jackson gets worse and worse, but the couple battles back. Must be hell trying to f@ck tha police. Later, you'll find out why Jackson's doing what he does. It's an excellent popcorn movie. Buttered Popcorn, that is. Hardy, har, har, har! Really though, great entertainment with L. doing his thing in a role perfectly suited for his acting chops.

We're on a roll this week with Netflix. Another excellent movie. I give this movie two people from different cultural backgrounds. One's Asian. One's Black. She offers him some cherry pie. He gives her a fudgesicle. Next thing you know, they're having dessert until their relationship gets stretched beyond its limits and the girl must move on...only she can't even walk...

Redbelt

Starring: that Black dude not named Don Cheadle from TALK TO ME, that girl who saved Will Smith in I AM LEGEND, the Spanish dude who was in about three or four episodes from LOST, the good girl that Bruce Willis falls in love with in THE KID, and Academy Award should-be-nominee, Enson Inoue, and other MMA fighters

REDBELT is this smart, MMA (can you say, "oxymoron?") independent B-movie about this down-on-his-luck MMA instructor who is forced to compete in some MMA event he created to get out of a mess he is accused of creating. Get it?

He's a Black Bruce Lee without the need to kick everybody's a$$. He likes to teach, but he doesn't like the idea of competing with rules. He teaches his students to conquer their fears and prevail in life. Of course, he's not opposed to kicking someone's a$$ in the name of fairness and self-defense. You'll see.

The way the movie was constructed to get to where it ends up is pretty clever. Seriously. Didn't expect that from a fight movie. In some ways, this was up there with ROCKY and THE KARATE KID. Not an underdog movie, but he's definitely someone you can root for. Definitely better than NEVER BACK DOWN. Okay, so maybe I only saw the beginning of that movie. Goes to show how bad it was.

When it all goes down, you'll be cringing and feeling bad for the guy. Sorry, I can't give away too much. The movie's that good. Let's just say that the guy hangs onto his morals and principles despite all the temptations and hardships that come his way and doesn't even flinch. Not too many people like that nowadays.

Good mix of fighting and story. Charismatic main character. Good philosophies. I liked that it was short. A pleasant surprise. Like cracking open a fortune cookie and, well...getting a good fortune. Tried to throw in the Asian joke there. Didn't work. Oh, yeah, and they had those kung fu flutes and taiko drums playing throughout the movie to get you in the mood.

I give this movie two empty hands that come in peace...bearing gifts...emanating love...powerful...strong...how about a massage? Happy ending?