Tell No One

Starring: a bunch of French people

Okay, can anyone tell me why an American Edgar Award-winning writer gets his New York Times bestselling-novel made into a French movie? I don't get that. Nevertheless, it didn't take away from the movie at all. I'm actually looking forward to reading the book now. Actually, I had planned to read the book first, but I'm waiting for the damn thing to be transferred to my local library.

TELL NO ONE is this awesome thriller of a movie about this doctor guy who's madly in love with his wife, and one day, when they're skinny-dipping at the local pond, she gets kidnapped and he gets knocked unconscious. They show her naked. Oh, those naughty Frenchies!

Anyway, eight years later, after being cleared of his wife's killing, he gets a mysterious email with a link to a video that shows...SURPRISE!!...HIS WIFE!!! What??!! He continues to get these strange emails that offer him little clues to meet in odd places.

Not only is he trying to figure out whether or not his wife is really alive, but the police is on his trail again being that they recently found two more bodies that were buried near that fateful pond. What the hell is going on??!!

Throughout the movie, he's running from the law, trying to figure out the circumstances of his wife's death, and along the way, people keep dying and he keeps getting blamed.

The best thing about this movie is that you really don't know what the hell's going on either. You know how when you watch most movies, you're like, "Ah, I got it already..." halfway through the movie. This one's a doozy. It'll keep your head spinning. It's over two hours, but it didn't feel like it. At first, the subtitles bothered me, but you get used to it.

Seriously, this was one of the best thrillers I've seen in awhile. Beautiful wouldn't go that far, but she really enjoyed it. It was like I was watching an onion unfold...wait, wait. It was like I was watching my mom's rainbow jello get eaten layer by layer...wait, wait. It was like I was trapped in this makeshift cave of Hawaiian quilts and I had to fight my way out...wait, wait. It was like meeting with our hottie psychologist and trying to discuss all my underlying issues...ah, whatever...you know what I mean, right? It was like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, buried under bull$hit. Something like that.

Let's just say that I was highly anticipating this movie, and it didn't disappoint. Great movie. Tell Everyone to go see it. Get it? I give this movie two people skinny-dipping in a pond...and then, this hockey masked-wearing guy shows up...but then, this shark fin appears in the middle of the pond...then all of a sudden, you hear noises in the bushes and the movie's black and white and this girl with boogers coming out of her nose is the only thing you can see...but then, everybody blows up and it was all just a dream...