Be Kind Rewind

How come there's no comma in the title?

BE KIND REWIND, starring Jack Black, Mos Def, Danny Glover, and Mia Farrow, is a disappointingly lame movie about these two guys (Black and Def) and an unknown actress girl who remake blockbuster movies with their own video camera and acting and rent them out at their locally-owned video store. Funny premise. $hitty movie.

Actually, there's more to the story, but it doesn't really matter. Just know that Black's character takes on a power plant and ends up demagnetizing (erasing) all the VHS movie tapes in Glover and Def's video store. In order to save face and the store from being shut down, they record their own versions of your favorite movies and the customers actually start demanding more "Sweded" tapes from them. The movie also ended sappy, so that added to my disappointment.

I really like Jack Black in a non-homo way. I even like Mos Def. These two guys were hilarious, except when they were actually filming the fake movies. I don't know. I just didn't think it was that funny. Even the ghetto special effects that they used were not really funny to me. Their dialogue throughout the movie made me crack up here and there, but their movies? Who the hell would wanna watch that crap? I think WE could make better versions than them.

Dave and Leish really liked this movie, so I was expecting to be dying laughing, but I was kinda at a loss for laughs. Maybe it got hyped up too much. Maybe I expected way too much. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood. I actually fell asleep at the end.

Sorry to say, this was one of the worst movies that I've seen in awhile. Comparable to STRICTLY BALLROOM. I kept expecting Mel Gibson to pop out from behind one of the video shelves and start kicking a$$. I kept expecting Woody Allen and his Korean daughter-wife to pop out from behind Mia Farrow's behind and start awkwardly having a threesome. I give this movie two Oreo cookies and a White-bre(a)d meat juhn sandwich...

Fargo

This movie was supposed to be good, yah? Yah. Did you like it? Oh, yah! Yah??!! Yah!!

Okay, I'll admit it. I liked this movie. Weird f@ckin' movie, but it's probably why I liked it. I've been hearing all you guys gush about it, so I had to take advantage of my HBO and watch it. It was pretty good in a funnier NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN kinda way.

At first, I have to say, I thought the movie sucked a$$. I was trying to figure out WHY anyone would want to watch this type of movie. It took me at least 45 minutes to warm up to it. Must've been all the snow in the movie. Hardy har, har, har!!

Then, after all the shocking violence started, I felt more at home. Yeah, violence to calm my nerves.

In case you were the only person to NOT see this move besides me, here's the rundown. Small-town loser hubby comes up with lame-a$$ kidnapping scheme to score some money. Plan gets f@cked-up. Small-town pregnant police chief with big-city homicide skills sorts through the mess to solve the crime at the end of the day. Small-town sensibilities and characters to keep the movie interesting. Big-city violence and crime to keep it exciting. Critically-acclaimed Best Picture-nominated movie is the result.

Again, it took the whole movie to convince me to like it. The oddball characters and dialogue kept me watching to the end though. Yah??!! Oh, yah!! Frances McDormand's police chief was the absolute best. She made the movie. Everytime she came onscreen, I thought I was watching LEAVE IT TO BEAVER meets THE WOMEN'S MURDER CLUB (James Patterson reference 'cause I'm a bibliophile like that).

Steve Buscemi's always good. William H. Macy as the pushover, loser husband was so good that he was irritating. You wanted him to grow a pair onscreen. I think one of the hired killers was that hilarious Russian cosmonaut guy in ARMAGEDDON.

Two scenes stood out for me. One was that awkward scene where Mike Yanagida (obvious token Asian) met up with the police chief in the bar 'cause he was trying to hit on her. And the other scene was that subtle scene where some old man is talking to one of the police officers and shoveling snow and talking about how he noticed some out-of-place character at his motel (or bar?). For some reason, the dialogue between the two was priceless to me. It sounded like when you interview some local guy on the news here in Hawaii, and the bruddah getting interviewed can't help but moke-out on live TV.

Overall, good movie. I don't know if I'd watch the whole thing again. Maybe some parts here and there if I ever catch it flipping channels. Do I like this movie 'cause I like it or do I like it 'cause it makes me feel smarter that I like it? Hopefully, the former. Ah, who gives a $hit, yah??!! OH, YAH!!

I give this movie two kanak boneheads trying to steal the entire ATM machine from the Waianae 7-11 a few years back and coming up empty. Dumb$hits, yah? Oh, yah...

You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Starring: Henry Winkler (the Fonz), that old hag Mrs. Garrett from the Facts of Life, John McEnroe, Mariah Carey, Michael Buffer ("Let's get ready to rumble..."), that gay Asian dude from Star Trek, anybody else who might've wandered into the studio and just happened to know Adam Sandler...

Yeah, that's the kinda movie this was. Supposedly, it was written by Sandler and Judd Apatow. I don't know what the f@ck they were thinking. Were they high? I've never seen a movie this bad since LITTLE NICKY. Hmmm, who wrote that piece of $hit?

As usual, some funny parts and the usual Sandler charm and raunch, but not enough to hold the movie up for two hours. In fact, the premise was just weird from the start. Original, maybe, but just too weird to be taken seriously as a comedy. How's that for oxyMORON-ish.

ZOHAN is about this hip Israeli assassin stud played by Sandler who wants to leave his violent, glamorous (because believe it or not, he's actually popular) life behind to become a hairdresser. He goes to America for some COMING TO AMERICA scenes, only to be hired by a Palestinian barber shop where he not only cuts old ladies' hair, he gives them some trim, too. Yeah, just came up with that. Pretty witty, huh. Be ready for some disturbing GILF/granny-got-f@cked-over-by-a-stallion scenes.

The only thing good about this movie is that you may find that Palestinian boss of Zohan's pretty hot. I didn't even notice her, but you know, if checking out pretty girls is your cup of tea, you might notice her. I'm married, so I don't even notice that kind of thing anymore.

At the end, Sandler tries to go for some absurd Peace in the Middle East message that was in itself funnier than the entire movie. And I love Adam Sandler's movies. What a letdown. What a waste of two hours. What a piece of $hit.

I give this movie two towers...I mean, two thumbs way down. Not funny at all...

The Strangers

I think I saw this movie. It was called Blair Witch Project 8.

You know how when you're little and you get scared of the Boogeyman hiding in your closet, but really, there's nothing to be afraid of? That's how I felt watching THE STRANGERS. It's like you start getting creeped out by what could happen as opposed to what's really happening.

Don't get me wrong. There were definitely some sorta scary parts, but all in all, I was kinda disappointed. Let's put it this way. My lovely wife didn't even get that scared, and she's a scaredy cat. She's a pu$$y, and I whip that $hit all the time. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr.

Almost forgot. This movie was about a dis-engaged couple who spend the night at this summer house only to be visited and harassed by these strangers. Guess what happens?

Aside from the Casper masks and the fact that this kinda $hit could happen, it wasn't all that scary. It's like when you watched BLAIR WITCH PROJECT for the first time thinking that it was a true story. Scary as hell, right? Then, you find out that that $hit was bull$hit, and the next time you watched it, it just seemed like someone was stepping on twigs in the dark. What the hell's so scary about that? Go camping at Bellows. Just as scary.

I think I was more afraid of how much weight Liv Tyler has put on. What the hell happened to that girl from the Aerosmith videos? Liv Tyler. Alicia Silverstone. What the f@ck??!!

Probably the most disturbing part of the movie was the end, which I'm not going to talk about. I got blue balls watching this movie. What a tease. I give this movie two chicks...with d!cks. Talk about a letdown...

Atonement

Ooooh, what a great, fitting title...

This movie (recommended by the Colmenaresessess) definitely lived up to all the hype. I actually think that it was similar to another "nickel and a penny" movie, but I don't wanna ruin it for anybody (although I probably already did).

Basically, this movie is about this security guard who gets wrongly accused of messing with this...

Wait, let me start over again.

ATONEMENT is about how the misintrepretation (purposely or not) of a situation can f@ck up the lives of everyone involved. It's about how perception, while NOT BEING reality, can still BECOME reality if there are enough STUPID-A$$ people around to BELIEVE in this reality. Hmmm...

At first, I thought this movie was slow and a little too Best Picture-ish for me. Plus, for some reason, I always have a hard time understanding English accents. However, it plods along, keeps your interest, and forces you to focus, lest you get lost in all the flashbacks. I don't know if I enjoyed the movie as much when I was watching it than when it was actually done. You'll see what I mean if you watch it. It was one of those movies that you appreciate more when you look back on it as a whole. It's definitely worth seeing though.

I like the message of the movie. Good drama. Can't say much more or I'll ruin it for you. Definitely worth all the accolades.

Oh, wait. Let me share a story.

I remember this one time in Japan as I was spreading the word...We were going around door-to-door trying to find people to teach. Anyway, as we were walking around, trying to figure out which building we would start at, these Japanese schoolgirls walked right by us, so we told them "Hi." Not in a flirty way, but in a cordial way. They always freaked out when that happened because I was usually accompanied by a White guy who could surprisingly speak Japanese. They'd laugh and get all giddy and $hit. You know how Japanese girls are.

Anyway, we decide to start doing our work at the top of this one building. We knock on the door, and this grandpa-looking guy comes out and starts screaming at us. He screams so loud that some of his neighbors come out to check out the action. I look at my partner and we get the hell outta there. He continues to follow us downstairs out onto the street. He's yelling the whole time. I finally figure out what he's saying.

His daughter was part of the pack of girls we said "Hi" to. When we coincidentally went to his house first to knock on the door, he thought we were following his daughter home. We had no idea. He thought we were after his daughter, and started screaming some $hit about foreigners and how we were there for that kind of shady $hit. Basically, by his yelling and misunderstanding of the situation, he was f@cking up our reputation in that area.

In the end, luckily, some other guy who knew us and our church came along and explained how we were the good guys, and eventually calmed this guy down. Whooo!! I remember thinking back then how silly $hit like that can f@ck people up. Made me think about it again as I was watching this movie.

Anyway, excellent movie. I give this movie two people arguing and everyone siding with the more likable guy. When it comes down to it, that's how the world works. People just don't like to admit their shallowness 'cause then that would make THEM wrong...

The Love Guru

This movie featured some big-time Oscar-nominated actors and actresses. Mike Myers, mini me, Justin Timberlake, and, of course, the Meryl Streep of our generation, Jessica Alba. For some reason though, she didn't get naked AGAIN. What a waste of her talent. What a waste of her goods.

This movie is about this Indian (7-11, not reservation) love guru dude (Mike Myers) who tries to get this Black hockey player back with his hottie (but surprisingly, pregnant-looking Meagan Good) ex-girlfriend, so that he can play better and lead his team to the championship over his big-d!cked goalie nemesis (Timberlake) who's presently banging his girl. Seriously. That's the story.

Think Austin Powers with a slurpee. Seriously. Even the accent went in and out between a 7-11 clerk and Myers' previous Austin Powers character.

At first, the movie was pretty dull and lame, but eventually Alba's hotness and Mike Myers' witty wordplay takes over and you find yourself chuckling at his usual raunchy undertones. I actually think that he may be too clever for his audience at times. He's more clever funny than LOL funny. Alba's not funny at all. Maybe if she showed her left t!t or her a$$, I would've found her jokes funnier.

Timberlake, on the other hand, was hilarious. Yeah, I'm not ashamed to admit it, that guy's the man. Yeah, I said it. Pretty damn talented. He'll follow in the same entertainer/actor Will Smith-the Rock mold. Seriously. I think he's that good.

All in all, the movie's okay. Some quotable lines, but not enough to hold the movie. As far as mindless, light movies go, not bad. Deena was laughing at some parts. I was waiting to see Alba's parts. I think my lovely wife wants to experience Alba's hotness. Okay, maybe that's my fantasy home movie. I give this movie two jumbo slurpees and one mini-Sharma...

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I gotta keep these movie reviews short. My eyes are getting sore.

The new Indy Jones flick was just great. I really liked it. Classic Spielberg. The cool thing was that it really seemed like it picked up right where they left off in the last one with Sean Connery.

Indy's a little older, but he's the same Indy. He can fight, but he gets beat up, too. He's funny. He still has those wisea$$ one-liners when he's in trouble. He's resourceful without being too superhero-ish. He's your everyman hero with his archaeologist intellect and a bullwhip.

Shia LaBeoulf was good in it. Something about that guy. He has that X-factor. Cate Blanchett was awesome as the Russian leader lady. Kinda like Natasha from Rocky & Bullwinkle.

I liked that they didn't overdo it with the special effects. I mean, you could tell that they used it, of course, but the stuff that happens in the movie was appropriate with the time period of the movie. Yeah, whatever. Go see it. Lucky thing they didn't overdo it all these years later or we would have had another Star Wars I through III.

I liked it so much that I seriously wouldn't mind seeing another one. The critics didn't like it 'cause I guess when your expectations are so high, anything's gonna automatically be seen as a disappointment. I think they thought it was much of the same, but if you watch the extras, you'll see Spielberg wanted it that way. I mean, the guy's only like the best director ever in the history of movies. They didn't know that he did that $hit on purpose? Retards!

Again, great movie, especially if you're an Indy fan. I definitely liked it more than the third one. Why do they call him Indiana anyway?

Oh yeah, almost forgot. I think some people will have trouble with the story, but I thought it was pretty creative given the circumstances and expectations. You'll see. I'll give this movie two NATIONAL TREASURE copycat movies. Nothing beats the originality of the Indiana Jones character...

Speed Racer

Had to rent SPEED RACER for the kids and ended up watching it myself. That's my excuse.

Actually, it wasn't that bad. Real colorful and futuristic looking. Looked like a colorblind Filipino painter dropped all his bright colors on screen. It looked pretty cool to me, although I am handicapped in that area.

SPEED RACER is the Americanized version of the popular Japanese cartoon series. I remember hating when that show came on, but I guess it was pretty popular back in the day.

Basically, this kid prodigy racer races to fight against the evil, corrupt corporate giants. How and why, you may ask? Go watch the movie. He comes from an average Leave-it-to-Beaver family that came from nothing and races independent of the major corporations. He has skills, however, so like real-life athletes, he is sought out by everyone looking to make a quick buck off of him. Think Jeff Gordon before he became famous.

Anyway, that's the boring stuff. The exciting stuff is the visual effects created by the MATRIX guys. Don't expect that awesome, crazy fighting stuff. It is a cartoon, after all. Well, a mixed cartoon. To me, it looked like 300 or SIN CITY, but in HD super-color. Like a Skittles commercial on steroids.

The racing scenes were cool. A little fake (it's a cartoon, after all), but thrilling nonetheless. The race tracks looked like the tracks from Playstation's Crash Team Racing. I felt like I was watching the animated fantasy version of FAST AND THE FURIOUS. I don't think the movie caught on at the theaters. I can see why. Sensory overload.

Your kids might like the movie. Adults will think that it's Disneyish. I personally thought that it was okay. Susan Sarandon was in it. John Goodman, Matthew Fox (Jack from LOST), and Christina Ricci were in it, too. She's come a long way since her days on the ADDAMS FAMILY. Need even more evidence? Watch BLACK SNAKE MOAN.

"You don't climb into a T-180 to be a driver. You do it because you're driven." Yeah, that was the cheesy quote of the movie. I give this movie two Kikaidas and a Kamen Rider V3...

Iron Man

Whoa, movie overload!! Blame Netflix.

IRON MAN starring Robert Downey, Jr., Terrence Howard, and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Pretty good movie. Definitely not BATMAN good, but better than any SUPERMAN movie I've ever seen. It was probably up there with the X-MEN movies, but not as much cheese.

Again, like BATMAN, it felt like a good movie, as opposed to being just a good superhero movie. That's probably why I'd rank it a little ahead of X-MEN. Plus, it's just one guy instead of an ensemble cast of Halle Berry not showing us her t!tt!es. If she would just MONSTER'S BALL it a little more often, I'd put the X-MEN series above THE DARK KNIGHT. Nah, just kidding. I think. She should just go into porn already. LICKING MONSTER BALLS or something like that. Little off-track there...

IRON MAN succeeds because of Robert Downey, Jr. I guess there was a reason why everyone hung on to him even when he was druggin' out and f@ckin' up. Funny how that works. Would anyone have cared if he was the crackhead version of Jason Scott Lee? $hit, I saw RAPA NUI. They should.

Hands down, Downey can act. I'm beginning to recognize the skills. TROPIC THUNDER, IRON MAN. The guy's on a roll. He made Tony Stark likeable as the maverick/playboy billionaire genius.

What I like about superhero movies is that you get to find out the background of how they became the superhero. I don't know. I just find it interesting. Do I care about my students' backgrounds? HELL, NO!! But I find these fictional characters a wee bit interesting. Probably BECAUSE they're not real.

Brief rundown. Stark's company makes weapons of destruction. He gets caught by the bad guys who want him to make more weapons for them. He narrowly escapes by creating an Iron Man prototype instead. Then, he realizes that he shouldn't be making weapons anymore, but decides to use Iron Man to fight crime or, at least in this particular movie, his Iron Man wannabe company partner.

The usual war/superhero action ensues. Lots of things blowing up. Lots of high tech stuff. Lots of metal. Not really iron though.

Terrence Howard was believable. Gwyneth was, too, until she pulled a Brad Pitt in SEVEN "What's in the box??!!" scene towards the end. Other than that, Downey stole the show and the movie was pretty entertaining. Not bad at all. No DARK KNIGHT though.

Basically, a guy movie. At one point, I thought I was watching WALL*E: FIRST BLOOD. AVENGERS is the next movie 'cause if you watch past the credits, they give you a quickie preview. I give this movie two pieces of metal shaped like mini-Cadbury eggs connected by a cord that also connects to a little power pack that can be operated by double A batteries which enables these bullet-shaped eggs to vibrate at different speeds. Ideally, these eggs should be waterproof, too. For what, I have no idea...

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Netflix is back!! Yeah, boooeeeeyyy!! Bigger and deffer (LL Cool J)...

This movie was pretty damn funny. Not like TROPIC THUNDER funny, but like the other Judd Apatow-produced movies. SUPERBAD, 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN, KNOCKED UP, etc.

I do have one complaint though. If you combine Adam Sandler's down-to-earth, every-man silliness with Kevin Smith's profound, witty vulgarity, don't you get Judd Apatow? That guy's leeching off their style. He's not original. He's a straight-up copycat. The only thing I'll give him credit for is somehow showing that pu$$y-birth (where else do babies come from?) scene in KNOCKED UP and that male frontal nudity scene all over FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. That $hit was hilarious. That being said, I do like this guy's movies. Oh, yeah, he also copies their crass humor-with-heart storylines.

Anyway, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL is about this soundtrack-musician dweeb who gets dumped by this famous hottie actress (Kristen Bell). He takes it hard and cries throughout the movie. I, personally, prefer it the other way around (hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr!) He goes to Hawaii to get his mind off his ex-girlfriend only to find that she's staying at the same hotel with her new boyfriend. Funny, not unusual premise.

The ensuing awkwardness is what makes the movie funny, but the usual offbeat Apatow cast of characters is what sustains it. Mila Kunis was in it, and she was cracking me up. Probably 'cause I thought she was actually hotter than usual. Hottness definitely contributes a little more to any girl's humor. Or perceived intelligence for that matter. $hit, hotness makes you a little more of everything.

This movie had the usual raunchy humor. The usual boundary-pushing sex acts. The usual loveable geeky character(s). That's his bread and butter. Make the geek the leading man. Make him go through common, everyday, awkward situations. Make the audience laugh. Stroke everyone's inner geek. Check the other movies.

I won't spoil the movie. Go and rent it. Entertaining and light. My favorite part was when the main character first busted out his original song. You'll see. Beautiful's favorite part was seeing the main character's PART. You'll see plenty of that, too. The "swingin' past ya knees" guy from TROPIC THUNDER was in this movie, too. Some local guys were also in it for some NORTH SHORE comic relief.

I give this movie two Makaha Sons of Ni'ihau and the Mormons' "Lovers Lane," otherwise known as Laie Point. Rent the movie. You owe it to yourself. Thoughtless, fun entertainment that I'm pretty sure your girl will like, too...

Cape Fear

Taking it back to the old school...way back...well, not that way back...I heard that this was actually a remake...

Cape Fear. That movie with young Bobby De Niro in it. Jessica Lange, Juliette Lewis, and Nick Nolte were in it, too. I kept expecting Eddie Murphy to come out and punch Nick Nolte in the face.

I remember a few years ago when the fellas told me to go and watch GLORY in all its glory. Problem is, by the time I saw that movie, I had already seen BRAVEHEART and GLADIATOR. Hard to watch an older war movie now when today's war movies have the benefit of all them special effects and CGI and $hit.

Then, the guys recommended THREE AMIGOS for a plethora of reasons. Again, humor changes through time, so by the time I saw this movie, I didn't think it was that funny. Maybe it was funny back then, but it was definitely not timeless like Eddie Murphy's DELIRIOUS.

In CAPE FEAR, I was expecting much of the same time lag deficiencies. However, to my surprise, this movie was, and still is, the bomb diggy, yo!!

Basically, De Niro plays this ex-con psycho with a f@cked-up accent who finally gets out of prison only to exact revenge on his defense lawyer for "burying" some evidence that could've been used at the time to keep him out of jail. Nolte's the lawyer/father, Lange is the wife/mother, and Lewis is somehow their teenage daughter.

The movie works 'cause De Niro is psycho, clever, smooth, and overly violent. He harasses them throughout the movie and it's disturbingly AWESOME!! You get to watch De Niro in his element. It's similar to Jack Nicholson playing crazy where you start thinking, "Is he really acting or just being himself?"

The only thing that bothered me was the cheesy, spooky soundtrack. You know, those incessant, irritating horns and violins where they keep playing the same thing over and over and over. Sounded like the same musician from THE SHINING.

This movie was made in '91 (I think). Some of the violence and profane dialogue would still be disturbing today. These types of movies are more suspenseful to me because it could really happen. It's the realness factor that brings me to the edge of my seat and nearly causes me to squid luau my shorts.

De Niro was chillingly awesome. Nolte's good at playing mad like in 48 HOURS. Jessica Lange always tries to play creepy sexy. Juliette Lewis, in that sense, succeeds in one-upping her. I swear that girl is the most successful SPED actress in the world. And she went out with Brad Pitt. Juliette Lewis...Angelina Jolie...That doesn't even compute. Maybe she's the top SPED BJer in the world, too.

Seriously, great movie. Classic suspense flick. Older horror movies are usually better than the SAW crap they've been putting out lately. I give this movie two WHITE CHICKS trying to be sexy when they're too old and too young to be doing so even though Robert De Niro is trying to shank-ooof them both...

Igor

Okay, so if you took the disturbing factor of BULLY, and combined it with the pointlessness of STRICTLY BALLROOM, and then made it into a cartoon, you'd have IGOR, the most f@cked-up movie, animated or not, that I've seen in a long time. And that's taking into consideration that I watch a lot of $hitty-a$$ movies.

I've really never seen an animated movie this bad. Pixar and Shrek have raised the bar so high, that it's kinda hard to compete in that genre, but let me tell you, I think we all could've YouTubed a better movie.

Let me give you the rundown. The land of Malaria is a dark and gloomy place, and so everyone has resorted to trying to create evil inventions. Why? I don't know. I have no clue. It was that kinda movie.

So, the evil scientists are kinda like the cool guys and their assistants, Igor and all the other humpback/hunchback Quasimodo rejects, are the hapless grunts, miserably doing the $hit-jobs while their bosses get all the glory.

Igor, our main character, has visions of being an evil scientist himself, even though this is unprecedented and blasphemous. He aspires and works his a$$ off behind the scenes, and even has two sidekicks that he created himself. One is an immortal rat looking creature played by Steve Buscemi and the other is this brain-in-the-jar character who's actually an idiot who can't even spell his name right, hence the name "Brian" instead of Brain. Okay, so maybe that was a little funny.

Anyway, every year in Malaria, there's this Evil Science Fair, so all the evil geniuses compete to outdo each other. The lame flaming gay-a$$ character who always wins, does so by cheating and stealing inventions from other competing scientists.

Igor's boss dies, so he creates this female Frankenstein fugly bitch that doesn't want to do any evil. In fact, this deformed beeyotch only wants to act. Yeah, I guess someone in charge of this terrible movie thought that this premise would be funny. It wasn't.

Igor continually tries to make Eva (from mispronouncing "Evil") do ghastly evil things, but Eva just wants to be in the musical, ANNIE. Yup, not making it up.

Okay, I'll stop. I wish I was making this $hit up. The movie wasn't just bad 'cause it sucked a$$. It was also bad because of the kid-UNfriendly content. For example:


1) They must've said the word "KILL" at least 10-15 times during the first half hour of the movie, sometimes back-to-back-to-back.

2) They introduced the word "murder" to your kids' vocabulary and actually had an "Axe Murderer" reference and a scene where Igor was wielding an axe.

3) They had some over-the-top adult humor and sexual innuendos. Couple of make-out semi-Japanese Anime scenes and a big-breasted woman character.

4) The moral of the story was actually, "Everyone has an evil bone in their body, but it's how we choose to live our life..." or some bull$hit like that. Another line was "I'd rather be a good nobody, then an evil somebody..." For real. That's as clever as it got.


To be fair, there were some redeeming moments, but for the most part, I found myself squirming uncomfortably in my seat. And this movie didn't even have any candle wax-pouring rape scenes in it. Might as well have.

Steve Buscemi was funny. The ending had its moments. John Cusack was Igor, so it was pretty boring. It was like they were trying to do the whole "Choose the Right" thing by showing your kids all the wrong $hit that you're NOT supposed to do. Well, you know how that works. Hmmm...I wonder what they're going to focus on?

Lucky for us, the movie went way over Kahia and Kawai's heads, so they somehow enjoyed the movie. I didn't, but they did, so lose-win, I guess. I give this movie two hours of Japanese Manga goat-bleating candle-wax hairy-pu$$y-censoring porn, which is about how disturbing I found this movie to actually be...

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNTIL YOUR KIDS ARE 69 YEARS OLD!!!