The Longshots

Featuring Ice Cube and that AKEELAH AND THE BEE girl.

THE LONGSHOTS is about a girl who plays quarterback for a championship Pop Warner football team based on a true story. It was your basic ROCKYish Disney sports movie. You notice Disney makes a lot of those inspirational sports movies? Surprisingly, they're all pretty good, too.

The girl, Jasmine, learns to play QB from her down-and-out former high school star uncle (Cube). Her daddy left her, but returns when she starts gaining notoriety. Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit actually directed this movie. Not bad.

I don't know why, but every time I think of Ice Cube, I think of one of his old rap videos when he was hating on MC Hammer and calling him a sellout. How ironic. What ever happened to that Nigg@ With Attitude? Nah, I actually like Ice Cube. Behind Will Smith, he's gotta be the second-best rapper-actor, right? He's like funny without being known for being funny. He needs to make another slammin' single like "Put Ya Back Into It" again. Or how 'bout another classic like "Ghetto Bird" or "It Was a Good Day." Or how 'bout making FRIDAY 15: Next, Next, Next, Next Friday with Dave Chappelle.

How come Black musicians can act? How come Black people in general can act? How come Chappelle turned down 50 million dollars?

Pretty good movie. Disneyish. Feel-good story. Perfect family movie. Perfect movie to show at school for Incentive Day. If I watch another one of these, I'm going to puke though. Too many happy endings. I'd rather go to a massage parlor for that...

Step Brothers

Another Will Ferrell movie. Lots of laughs. Lots of quotable jokes. Who cares about the story?

Actually, STEP BROTHERS wasn't as good as his other stuff, but I kinda enjoyed it nonetheless. I've always liked Will Ferrell for some reason. My lovely wife hates him. She surprisingly liked this movie though.

Step Brothers is about these late thirty-year-old losers who both live with their parents and end up becoming step brothers 'cause their parents hook up and ooof on a whim. The predictable comedy ensues because now instead of just one loser living at home, both are living at home sharing a room together. They basically act like kids and argue like brothers would, except, of course, it's supposed to be funnier 'cause they're older.

Some parts are really silly. Other parts are hilarious. Mostly because they say childish things with adult language. Will Ferrell just has a way of saying things that always makes me laugh and think that he's pretty clever underneath all that silliness. I like him better than Ben Stiller.

I like when you watch the special features on the DVD and they show them ad-libbing the same scene twenty times saying different things off the top of their heads. That's when you get to see their true comedic genius. Where do they come up with some of this stuff?

This is a movie to watch to lighten the mood a bit. I wouldn't say that it's especially good, but it wasn't too bad either. Again, my wife seemed to like it and she hates Will Ferrell. I kinda felt like I was watching PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE except that there were two Pee-wee's and none of them were whacking off in the middle of a theater...

Twilight

Hey, give me a burger, extra mayo, but hold the...

Whoa, Greg (at faculty mtg yesterday), you want some nachos with your...

Man, it stinks in here!! Who squeezed the...

Alright, we're going to take a picture. 1, 2, 3, say...

Once you get over the cheese whiz, I actually thought that TWILIGHT was pretty good. I think it's better that I didn't read the books 'cause I had a greater appreciation for the characters and story instead of spending the whole movie comparing between the two. Not bad at all for a teeny-bopper love-story chick-flick.


As I was watching the movie, I came up with my very own keen observations/questions:

1) Were you girls drooling over this guy when he was in HARRY POTTER?
2) Doesn't Edward look like EDWARD SCISSORHANDS?
3) Is it me or did the dad look exactly like Corey Feldman and Tom Cruise's love child?
4) The Cullen sisters were kinda hot!
5) Do you have to be Indian to be a werewolf?
6) How come Asian guys in the movies gotta be all goofy and/or head of the GT clique?
7) Did you know that Blackula was the Mormon doctor guy in HOUSE?  (Props to my lovely wife for that one...)
8) I liked that Bella wasn't too pretty.
9) The baseball part was the best part to me.
10) I didn't feel the vibe between Bella and DANCES WITH WOLVES.


I understand clearly why all you bloodsuckin' girls like the Twilight books.  It's the longing.  The yearning.  The forbidden love.  The desire.  The forever bad boy.  The I-wanna-ooof-him-but-it-could-get-outta-control fantasy.  You gals like the whole he-can't-control-himself-but-he's-trying thing going on with Edward.  It's like he's respectful, so he's earned the right to violate you cocktease-contradiction thing you girls like to pull on guys for your own pleasure.  It's like, yeah, you want us to see your ta-tas, but hey, don't stare, you perv!!  Girls are from Mars, guys are in your anus.

Seriously, though, pretty good movie.  Guess I have to wait for the whole bestiality love triangle to develop in the sequel, but so far, it kinda held my interest.  I give this movie two distinct sexual fantasies slyly hidden in one cheesy love story written by a naughty Mormon girl who cleverly avoided being excommunicated...  

Hancock

Got your handCOCK right here!!

Okay, jokes aside, let me just say that I really like Will Smith in a non-homo way. In my mind, he's like the Jordan of movies right now. Whatever he's in is money. It'll be an excellent, entertaining movie that has everything (action, drama, comedy) in it.

That being said, I couldn't figure out why no one saw HANCOCK. The premise seemed original. A flawed superhero trying to better his public image. The possible situations and jokes seemed limitless. Especially since IRON MAN, THE DARK KNIGHT, THE INCREDIBLE HULK, not to mention SPIDER MAN and X-MEN were oversaturating our blockbuster summers. I thought everyone would be flocking to see Smith's latest endeavor.

The movie stared off fine and dandy. He's saving the world, but f@cking up by leaving behind a lot of property damage and injuries. Charlize Theron is in the movie looking hot as ever and Jason Bateman, Hancock's PR guy, was clever and funny as the everyman trying to repair Hancock's image. You get the whole Hancock saving the world by being a good guy awkward thing going on. It's pretty funny. It's kinda like those reality charm school shows where the hootchies gotta manner-up and be all ladylike and $hit even though they're all ghetto titas. You see the transformation.

BUT THEN...

Halfway through the movie, without warning, the story inexplicably changes gears and heads in another $hitbird direction. What the hell??!! I can't even tell you what happened. I DON'T want to tell you what happened. Talk about a rally killer. Talk about blue balls. Talk about a Handcock-tease!! Where the hell did this come from? It's like they just ran out of ideas and needed to fill in some time and went with the craziest idea possible. I was shocked!!

Will Smith. Charlize Theron. How the hell can these two let this happen? This is when I realized WHY people didn't go and see this movie. I'd have to put this up there with WILD WILD WEST.

Still though, more entertaining than most movies. Just not up to par with the Fresh Prince's usual standards. I give this movie two Bangkoks and a punani ping-pong hurling prostitute...

The Foot Fist Way

Okay, I know this kinda sounds like a porno, but unfortunately, it's not. I'll be reviewing those next week.

THE FOOT FIST WAY is this movie that I heard about through the Indie movie underground that I often travel through on my way to Cannes. Yeah, I got my ear to the cinemas.

Actually, it's this Indie low-budget karate movie that was highly vouched for by one Will Ferrell. I figure if Will likes it and I like Will's movies, it's gotta be pretty funny. I was half right.

The movie is about this delusional haole tae kwan do instructor whose life mission is to teach tae kwan do to anybody crazy enough to take it from him and to become THE "demo" man. "Demos" are those ridiculous demonstrations you see where a clan of karate guys tour around your local area breaking wooden boards that don't hit back in an effort to recruit people to sign up for their lame-a$$ classes.

Funny thing is, when I was younger, my neighbor must've "trained" at one of these dojos 'cause he was always showing us that he could break boards, but we were always kicking the $hit out of his dumb a$$.

The instructor dude in the movie has a stripper-looking wife who humpty dumptys everyone she comes in contact with. Because of this, he gets even more absorbed in his demo work hitting on a female student, badly role modeling for some of his younger male students, and pretty much doing all kinds of funny, but awkward $hit. The guy's a complete loser, but he thinks he's God's gift to tae kwan do. The guy's so arrogant and irritating that it's hilarious to watch.

It reminded me of BORAT when you'd watch him do some crazy $hit to people and be so appalled by his audacity to do anything to pull off the joke that you'd laugh, but feel awkward and embarrassed for him (and his victims) at the same time. That's how I felt watching this movie.

I think most people wouldn't like this movie, but if you're looking for something totally different in the comedy realm to explore, by all means, take a shot and watch it. Critics liked it and Will Ferrell liked it, so there's your endorsement. OH, WAIT!! I figured it out! The guy in the movie acts like our very own Loveboat! Seriously!! You know how Loveboat swaggers around like he's the $hit, but everybody's just thinking he's a joke. Kinda like that, but even worse.

You get to watch the instructor teach classes, do demos, and travel to some tae kwan do conference to meet his action-star idol. It's almost like a documentary gone bad. And therein lies the humor.

I give this movie two dozen donuts in the morning sent to the office searching for friends at the other end...coming up empty...like the Jamba Juice/Starbucks cups that he desperately buys for those who continue to take advantage of him...

The Legend of the Shadowless Sword

Crouching Kal Bi, Hidden Meat Jun. This movie is the $hit!!

After watching some recent squid luau crap, this movie was a breath of fresh air...with a hint of kim chee.

I loved this movie!! Now granted, Koreans can't do martial arts like the Chinese, but it was pretty damn good. Everybody was flying and fighting. Cool action scenes, yobo!!

If you watch closely, the wire work wasn't as steady as CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, but it wasn't too shabby either. They were slipping and sliding, bobbing and weaving. I liked it. They didn't need to run on air though. They should just pose and glide like in Crouching Tiger. My own personal preference. Like I'm Bruce Lee or something.

(I think) The movie was about this one village trying to find their prince-heir to lead them to overthrow the present governing village regime. This one kinda hot Korean chick is responsible for bringing back the prince to his throne while this other kinda hot Korean chick with bigger eyes is trying to kill the prince. Both villages do battle to maintain dominance over the other. Some other Korean guys do battle with each other too, but all you Asians look alike, so I couldn't tell who was who. I didn't care either. I just wanted them to fight.

I think that Korean girls can't be pretty. They have an edge to their face. They have the bitchy-face look. Sexy? Maybe. Pretty? Tough call. I guess they could be both. I'd have to say that of all the Asians, they seem the most pissed off. Even their language sounds harsh...or so my wife says.

The fighting was cool. The girls were semi-hot. The scenery was beautiful. Who cares what the story was about??!! The action itself was what made the movie. Again, not bad for a Korean martial arts movie.

If you like Crouching Tiger, and HERO, and HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS, this movie is definitely for you. I seriously loved it. I give this movie two Korean hotties from those K-Dramas that everyone and their mother seems to be watching and that girl from LOST who should run around in her bathing suit more 'cause she looked pretty good on the Maxim cover that I saw a while back...

Sidebar: How come Koreans are the Asians who are more likely to get boob jobs, especially when they're in their 30's, 40's, and even 50's?

The Lost Boys: The Tribe

Yes, this is the sequel to THE LOST BOYS. And yes, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim were in the movie. For some reason, Corey Haim was only in at the very end. Like 30 seconds or something. Probably missed filming smoking crack. And, believe it or not, Kiefer Sutherland's younger half-brother was in this movie. Yeah, I know you care.

The movie SUCKED A$$!! My lovely wife's pick. She had to have her belated dose of the two Coreys.

The only thing good about this movie was the upgraded blood and violence, special effects, and nudity. What's a B movie without gratuitous sex? In the shower, no less. Worth the price of admission. Nah, not really. Okay, maybe. Depends on how many times you rewind it and play it in slow-mo. Not that I would do that or anything.

LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE is about a brother and sister who move to somewhere (California?) to get away from their tragic past only to meet a bunch of surfers who happen to be vampires. What do you know...they should've called this Lost Boys: Point Break. Guess who the sister falls in love with? Watch the first Lost Boys, and then watch POINT BREAK and you've seen this movie.

Corey Feldman plays his same vampire-killer character. He looked and sounded exactly the same as twenty years ago. Pretty impressive, we thought. That was pretty much it though. Did I mention the shower scene?

This movie sucked, but it was pretty funny to watch. Like a bad, 50's horror B-movie. My Baby liked it, so whatever. I live my life for her. This is what I do.

Got an hour and a half to waste? Rent this movie. I give this movie two Coreys and a former Playboy model on their own reality show that can't be watched 'cause my wife surprisingly hates the show...

Smart People

I think I'm finally sick of dysfunctional Indie movies. It's actually depressing. Plus, I'm mentally exhausted from all the witty sarcasm I have to endure just to keep up with all the characters' dialogue. It's like hanging out with a group of band geeks all day long. Or being on Team Fantastic Four.

SMART PEOPLE stars that JUNO girl Ellen Page, Thomas Haden Church, Sarah Jessica Parker, and John Wilkes Booth...I mean, Dennis Quaid. Quaid is the a$$hole college professor who can't relate to people whose wife died recently, Church is the freeloader slacker brother living it up with no job or aspirations, Parker is the former student/nurse who takes care of Quaid in the hospital, and Page is the GT know-it-all, but naive, perfect daughter. She pretty much plays the same character she did in Juno.

Sidebar: You ever notice that when students have crushes on their teachers, it's ALWAYS an English teacher?

The movie follows Quaid's family as they interact with people and go through their mundane, but somehow interesting lives. Dysfunctional realism is what draws you in. Actually, it's starting to turn me off lately. Time to watch a Disney movie to escape from reality again.

Everyone in the movie seems to be extremely intelligent, but not smart enough to figure out the simple things in life. Socially, they just don't get it. Or maybe they do and the rest of us are idiots for caring about petty, social stuff. Sorry. Had to throw that in.

If you're in the mood for something deep, this may be the movie for you. If not, stay away. The movie's not bad. I probably would've liked it if I saw it a couple of months ago. I give this movie two math teachers who only want to teach GT and Algebra and want to get rid of all their low kids...

Harold and Kumar: Escape From Guantanamo Bay

Bill and Ted. Jay and Silent Bob. Harold and Kumar...

These guys are a good combination. Like Kama Sutra with a hot Korean girl.

I saw the first movie, and though I thought it was pretty funny, being that I've never touched the Chronic in my life, I had a hard time finding the humor in all of the scenes. I felt like a nun watching porn.

This one, however, is funny as $hit!! It was like JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK without all the witty banter. In other words, they said some crass, f@cked-up $hit and did some crazy, borderline NC-17 sex stuff. Not hot, steamy sex. More like bizarre, I-can't-believe-they're-showing-this hilarious $hit. Nothing clever. Just straight-up vulgar.

It all starts with Harold and Kumar being on a plane to Amsterdam to find Harold's girl when Kumar gets accused of being a terrorist. I was cracking up when it all went down on the plane. I thought that scene in itself was funny. This sets them off on a weird, but hilarious chain of events where they keep getting in and out of trouble. I'm not telling you anymore. Go see it.

The homeland security dude who was trying to catch them was cracking me up. Harold's straight man to Kumar's rebel genius also make an unlikely likable, comedic pair. Never thought that a Korean and an Indian would headline a movie, spawn a sequel, and be highly successful doing it. I can't believe Kumar's a doctor on HOUSE. They should make a reality show based on the lives of Loveboat and Sharma. No one would look away from that train wreck.

This is a guys' movie. I don't know if I was just in the mood to laugh, but I'd put it up there with JAY AND SILENT BOB and TROPIC THUNDER. Not as clever, but I was laughing my a$$ off. Maybe it was just because it followed my viewing of BE KIND REWIND. I wonder if white people thought these two guys were funny.

Need a good laugh? Watch this movie. I give it two Korean import models 69ing each other at 7-11 after drinking some slurpees...

Awake

This movie is about Jessica Alba, the greatest actress of our generation, c@ck-teasing us once again, but not giving it up. She shows us some left nipple through her wet T-shirt. She shows us some side-boob action from the back. She shows us her naked back and lots of leg, but we never get to see paydirt. Why the f@ck does she continue to waste her talents like that? She even kinda ooofs in this movie...with her clothes on!! WHAT THE F@CK??!!

She needs to follow the examples of Halle Berry, Charlize Theron, and Angelina Jolie. These three women are beautiful and classy AND GOT BUCK-NAKED in their movies AND STILL won academy awards. Julia Roberts on the other hand...successful career and all, but too late to take off her clothes...no academy awards. Seems pretty simple to me. Jessica Alba gotta get down and dirty and pornoish in some MONSTER'S BALL type of movie and she'll gain more respect from her fans and her peers. I should be her agent.

Back to the movie...

AWAKE is about this rich guy (Hayden Christensen) who needs a heart transplant and, for some reason, also is hiding the fact that he's in love with Alba from his mom. Why the hell would you go out with her and NOT show her off to EVERYBODY? This movie's fake.

Anyway, during his surgery, his anesthesia doesn't work, and he's awake for the whole operation. Apparently, this happens at times in real life, too. Scary, huh. His doctor and friend (Terrence Howard) doesn't even know that he's awake 'cause he's paralyzed, but can't say $hit. That's all I can tell you.

Terrence Howard is good in everything he's in. Hayden Christensen Anakin Skywalkered his way through this entire movie. Jessica Alba, despite the slutty, whorish teasing, actually did a great job acting this time. Seriously. You'll see. I notice she always tries to play the sweet girlfriend with the potty-mouth character. She might as well go full-dirty and strip for us. Give us more bang for our buck. Or more buck for our bang. Either way.

In the end, I actually liked the movie. You'll see. I'm not saying it was the greatest movie of all time, but I will say that it's gotta be Jessica Alba's best movie to date. Has she made any good movies? See, gotta get nasty, I'm telling you. She's only getting older. Not like her acting skills is getting her the plum roles anyway. Even her own momma wants to see her get naked.

If you want a light movie with some pretty good suspense, and you wanna torture yourself and give yourself blue balls, watch this movie. If anything, you'll walk away with an idea of the potential of what Jessica Alba could be...if she took off more clothes. I give this movie two balls of blue, and if you're a girl, two fingertips, but not the whole hand...

Be Kind Rewind

How come there's no comma in the title?

BE KIND REWIND, starring Jack Black, Mos Def, Danny Glover, and Mia Farrow, is a disappointingly lame movie about these two guys (Black and Def) and an unknown actress girl who remake blockbuster movies with their own video camera and acting and rent them out at their locally-owned video store. Funny premise. $hitty movie.

Actually, there's more to the story, but it doesn't really matter. Just know that Black's character takes on a power plant and ends up demagnetizing (erasing) all the VHS movie tapes in Glover and Def's video store. In order to save face and the store from being shut down, they record their own versions of your favorite movies and the customers actually start demanding more "Sweded" tapes from them. The movie also ended sappy, so that added to my disappointment.

I really like Jack Black in a non-homo way. I even like Mos Def. These two guys were hilarious, except when they were actually filming the fake movies. I don't know. I just didn't think it was that funny. Even the ghetto special effects that they used were not really funny to me. Their dialogue throughout the movie made me crack up here and there, but their movies? Who the hell would wanna watch that crap? I think WE could make better versions than them.

Dave and Leish really liked this movie, so I was expecting to be dying laughing, but I was kinda at a loss for laughs. Maybe it got hyped up too much. Maybe I expected way too much. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood. I actually fell asleep at the end.

Sorry to say, this was one of the worst movies that I've seen in awhile. Comparable to STRICTLY BALLROOM. I kept expecting Mel Gibson to pop out from behind one of the video shelves and start kicking a$$. I kept expecting Woody Allen and his Korean daughter-wife to pop out from behind Mia Farrow's behind and start awkwardly having a threesome. I give this movie two Oreo cookies and a White-bre(a)d meat juhn sandwich...

Fargo

This movie was supposed to be good, yah? Yah. Did you like it? Oh, yah! Yah??!! Yah!!

Okay, I'll admit it. I liked this movie. Weird f@ckin' movie, but it's probably why I liked it. I've been hearing all you guys gush about it, so I had to take advantage of my HBO and watch it. It was pretty good in a funnier NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN kinda way.

At first, I have to say, I thought the movie sucked a$$. I was trying to figure out WHY anyone would want to watch this type of movie. It took me at least 45 minutes to warm up to it. Must've been all the snow in the movie. Hardy har, har, har!!

Then, after all the shocking violence started, I felt more at home. Yeah, violence to calm my nerves.

In case you were the only person to NOT see this move besides me, here's the rundown. Small-town loser hubby comes up with lame-a$$ kidnapping scheme to score some money. Plan gets f@cked-up. Small-town pregnant police chief with big-city homicide skills sorts through the mess to solve the crime at the end of the day. Small-town sensibilities and characters to keep the movie interesting. Big-city violence and crime to keep it exciting. Critically-acclaimed Best Picture-nominated movie is the result.

Again, it took the whole movie to convince me to like it. The oddball characters and dialogue kept me watching to the end though. Yah??!! Oh, yah!! Frances McDormand's police chief was the absolute best. She made the movie. Everytime she came onscreen, I thought I was watching LEAVE IT TO BEAVER meets THE WOMEN'S MURDER CLUB (James Patterson reference 'cause I'm a bibliophile like that).

Steve Buscemi's always good. William H. Macy as the pushover, loser husband was so good that he was irritating. You wanted him to grow a pair onscreen. I think one of the hired killers was that hilarious Russian cosmonaut guy in ARMAGEDDON.

Two scenes stood out for me. One was that awkward scene where Mike Yanagida (obvious token Asian) met up with the police chief in the bar 'cause he was trying to hit on her. And the other scene was that subtle scene where some old man is talking to one of the police officers and shoveling snow and talking about how he noticed some out-of-place character at his motel (or bar?). For some reason, the dialogue between the two was priceless to me. It sounded like when you interview some local guy on the news here in Hawaii, and the bruddah getting interviewed can't help but moke-out on live TV.

Overall, good movie. I don't know if I'd watch the whole thing again. Maybe some parts here and there if I ever catch it flipping channels. Do I like this movie 'cause I like it or do I like it 'cause it makes me feel smarter that I like it? Hopefully, the former. Ah, who gives a $hit, yah??!! OH, YAH!!

I give this movie two kanak boneheads trying to steal the entire ATM machine from the Waianae 7-11 a few years back and coming up empty. Dumb$hits, yah? Oh, yah...

You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Starring: Henry Winkler (the Fonz), that old hag Mrs. Garrett from the Facts of Life, John McEnroe, Mariah Carey, Michael Buffer ("Let's get ready to rumble..."), that gay Asian dude from Star Trek, anybody else who might've wandered into the studio and just happened to know Adam Sandler...

Yeah, that's the kinda movie this was. Supposedly, it was written by Sandler and Judd Apatow. I don't know what the f@ck they were thinking. Were they high? I've never seen a movie this bad since LITTLE NICKY. Hmmm, who wrote that piece of $hit?

As usual, some funny parts and the usual Sandler charm and raunch, but not enough to hold the movie up for two hours. In fact, the premise was just weird from the start. Original, maybe, but just too weird to be taken seriously as a comedy. How's that for oxyMORON-ish.

ZOHAN is about this hip Israeli assassin stud played by Sandler who wants to leave his violent, glamorous (because believe it or not, he's actually popular) life behind to become a hairdresser. He goes to America for some COMING TO AMERICA scenes, only to be hired by a Palestinian barber shop where he not only cuts old ladies' hair, he gives them some trim, too. Yeah, just came up with that. Pretty witty, huh. Be ready for some disturbing GILF/granny-got-f@cked-over-by-a-stallion scenes.

The only thing good about this movie is that you may find that Palestinian boss of Zohan's pretty hot. I didn't even notice her, but you know, if checking out pretty girls is your cup of tea, you might notice her. I'm married, so I don't even notice that kind of thing anymore.

At the end, Sandler tries to go for some absurd Peace in the Middle East message that was in itself funnier than the entire movie. And I love Adam Sandler's movies. What a letdown. What a waste of two hours. What a piece of $hit.

I give this movie two towers...I mean, two thumbs way down. Not funny at all...

The Strangers

I think I saw this movie. It was called Blair Witch Project 8.

You know how when you're little and you get scared of the Boogeyman hiding in your closet, but really, there's nothing to be afraid of? That's how I felt watching THE STRANGERS. It's like you start getting creeped out by what could happen as opposed to what's really happening.

Don't get me wrong. There were definitely some sorta scary parts, but all in all, I was kinda disappointed. Let's put it this way. My lovely wife didn't even get that scared, and she's a scaredy cat. She's a pu$$y, and I whip that $hit all the time. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr.

Almost forgot. This movie was about a dis-engaged couple who spend the night at this summer house only to be visited and harassed by these strangers. Guess what happens?

Aside from the Casper masks and the fact that this kinda $hit could happen, it wasn't all that scary. It's like when you watched BLAIR WITCH PROJECT for the first time thinking that it was a true story. Scary as hell, right? Then, you find out that that $hit was bull$hit, and the next time you watched it, it just seemed like someone was stepping on twigs in the dark. What the hell's so scary about that? Go camping at Bellows. Just as scary.

I think I was more afraid of how much weight Liv Tyler has put on. What the hell happened to that girl from the Aerosmith videos? Liv Tyler. Alicia Silverstone. What the f@ck??!!

Probably the most disturbing part of the movie was the end, which I'm not going to talk about. I got blue balls watching this movie. What a tease. I give this movie two chicks...with d!cks. Talk about a letdown...

Atonement

Ooooh, what a great, fitting title...

This movie (recommended by the Colmenaresessess) definitely lived up to all the hype. I actually think that it was similar to another "nickel and a penny" movie, but I don't wanna ruin it for anybody (although I probably already did).

Basically, this movie is about this security guard who gets wrongly accused of messing with this...

Wait, let me start over again.

ATONEMENT is about how the misintrepretation (purposely or not) of a situation can f@ck up the lives of everyone involved. It's about how perception, while NOT BEING reality, can still BECOME reality if there are enough STUPID-A$$ people around to BELIEVE in this reality. Hmmm...

At first, I thought this movie was slow and a little too Best Picture-ish for me. Plus, for some reason, I always have a hard time understanding English accents. However, it plods along, keeps your interest, and forces you to focus, lest you get lost in all the flashbacks. I don't know if I enjoyed the movie as much when I was watching it than when it was actually done. You'll see what I mean if you watch it. It was one of those movies that you appreciate more when you look back on it as a whole. It's definitely worth seeing though.

I like the message of the movie. Good drama. Can't say much more or I'll ruin it for you. Definitely worth all the accolades.

Oh, wait. Let me share a story.

I remember this one time in Japan as I was spreading the word...We were going around door-to-door trying to find people to teach. Anyway, as we were walking around, trying to figure out which building we would start at, these Japanese schoolgirls walked right by us, so we told them "Hi." Not in a flirty way, but in a cordial way. They always freaked out when that happened because I was usually accompanied by a White guy who could surprisingly speak Japanese. They'd laugh and get all giddy and $hit. You know how Japanese girls are.

Anyway, we decide to start doing our work at the top of this one building. We knock on the door, and this grandpa-looking guy comes out and starts screaming at us. He screams so loud that some of his neighbors come out to check out the action. I look at my partner and we get the hell outta there. He continues to follow us downstairs out onto the street. He's yelling the whole time. I finally figure out what he's saying.

His daughter was part of the pack of girls we said "Hi" to. When we coincidentally went to his house first to knock on the door, he thought we were following his daughter home. We had no idea. He thought we were after his daughter, and started screaming some $hit about foreigners and how we were there for that kind of shady $hit. Basically, by his yelling and misunderstanding of the situation, he was f@cking up our reputation in that area.

In the end, luckily, some other guy who knew us and our church came along and explained how we were the good guys, and eventually calmed this guy down. Whooo!! I remember thinking back then how silly $hit like that can f@ck people up. Made me think about it again as I was watching this movie.

Anyway, excellent movie. I give this movie two people arguing and everyone siding with the more likable guy. When it comes down to it, that's how the world works. People just don't like to admit their shallowness 'cause then that would make THEM wrong...

The Love Guru

This movie featured some big-time Oscar-nominated actors and actresses. Mike Myers, mini me, Justin Timberlake, and, of course, the Meryl Streep of our generation, Jessica Alba. For some reason though, she didn't get naked AGAIN. What a waste of her talent. What a waste of her goods.

This movie is about this Indian (7-11, not reservation) love guru dude (Mike Myers) who tries to get this Black hockey player back with his hottie (but surprisingly, pregnant-looking Meagan Good) ex-girlfriend, so that he can play better and lead his team to the championship over his big-d!cked goalie nemesis (Timberlake) who's presently banging his girl. Seriously. That's the story.

Think Austin Powers with a slurpee. Seriously. Even the accent went in and out between a 7-11 clerk and Myers' previous Austin Powers character.

At first, the movie was pretty dull and lame, but eventually Alba's hotness and Mike Myers' witty wordplay takes over and you find yourself chuckling at his usual raunchy undertones. I actually think that he may be too clever for his audience at times. He's more clever funny than LOL funny. Alba's not funny at all. Maybe if she showed her left t!t or her a$$, I would've found her jokes funnier.

Timberlake, on the other hand, was hilarious. Yeah, I'm not ashamed to admit it, that guy's the man. Yeah, I said it. Pretty damn talented. He'll follow in the same entertainer/actor Will Smith-the Rock mold. Seriously. I think he's that good.

All in all, the movie's okay. Some quotable lines, but not enough to hold the movie. As far as mindless, light movies go, not bad. Deena was laughing at some parts. I was waiting to see Alba's parts. I think my lovely wife wants to experience Alba's hotness. Okay, maybe that's my fantasy home movie. I give this movie two jumbo slurpees and one mini-Sharma...

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I gotta keep these movie reviews short. My eyes are getting sore.

The new Indy Jones flick was just great. I really liked it. Classic Spielberg. The cool thing was that it really seemed like it picked up right where they left off in the last one with Sean Connery.

Indy's a little older, but he's the same Indy. He can fight, but he gets beat up, too. He's funny. He still has those wisea$$ one-liners when he's in trouble. He's resourceful without being too superhero-ish. He's your everyman hero with his archaeologist intellect and a bullwhip.

Shia LaBeoulf was good in it. Something about that guy. He has that X-factor. Cate Blanchett was awesome as the Russian leader lady. Kinda like Natasha from Rocky & Bullwinkle.

I liked that they didn't overdo it with the special effects. I mean, you could tell that they used it, of course, but the stuff that happens in the movie was appropriate with the time period of the movie. Yeah, whatever. Go see it. Lucky thing they didn't overdo it all these years later or we would have had another Star Wars I through III.

I liked it so much that I seriously wouldn't mind seeing another one. The critics didn't like it 'cause I guess when your expectations are so high, anything's gonna automatically be seen as a disappointment. I think they thought it was much of the same, but if you watch the extras, you'll see Spielberg wanted it that way. I mean, the guy's only like the best director ever in the history of movies. They didn't know that he did that $hit on purpose? Retards!

Again, great movie, especially if you're an Indy fan. I definitely liked it more than the third one. Why do they call him Indiana anyway?

Oh yeah, almost forgot. I think some people will have trouble with the story, but I thought it was pretty creative given the circumstances and expectations. You'll see. I'll give this movie two NATIONAL TREASURE copycat movies. Nothing beats the originality of the Indiana Jones character...

Speed Racer

Had to rent SPEED RACER for the kids and ended up watching it myself. That's my excuse.

Actually, it wasn't that bad. Real colorful and futuristic looking. Looked like a colorblind Filipino painter dropped all his bright colors on screen. It looked pretty cool to me, although I am handicapped in that area.

SPEED RACER is the Americanized version of the popular Japanese cartoon series. I remember hating when that show came on, but I guess it was pretty popular back in the day.

Basically, this kid prodigy racer races to fight against the evil, corrupt corporate giants. How and why, you may ask? Go watch the movie. He comes from an average Leave-it-to-Beaver family that came from nothing and races independent of the major corporations. He has skills, however, so like real-life athletes, he is sought out by everyone looking to make a quick buck off of him. Think Jeff Gordon before he became famous.

Anyway, that's the boring stuff. The exciting stuff is the visual effects created by the MATRIX guys. Don't expect that awesome, crazy fighting stuff. It is a cartoon, after all. Well, a mixed cartoon. To me, it looked like 300 or SIN CITY, but in HD super-color. Like a Skittles commercial on steroids.

The racing scenes were cool. A little fake (it's a cartoon, after all), but thrilling nonetheless. The race tracks looked like the tracks from Playstation's Crash Team Racing. I felt like I was watching the animated fantasy version of FAST AND THE FURIOUS. I don't think the movie caught on at the theaters. I can see why. Sensory overload.

Your kids might like the movie. Adults will think that it's Disneyish. I personally thought that it was okay. Susan Sarandon was in it. John Goodman, Matthew Fox (Jack from LOST), and Christina Ricci were in it, too. She's come a long way since her days on the ADDAMS FAMILY. Need even more evidence? Watch BLACK SNAKE MOAN.

"You don't climb into a T-180 to be a driver. You do it because you're driven." Yeah, that was the cheesy quote of the movie. I give this movie two Kikaidas and a Kamen Rider V3...

Iron Man

Whoa, movie overload!! Blame Netflix.

IRON MAN starring Robert Downey, Jr., Terrence Howard, and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Pretty good movie. Definitely not BATMAN good, but better than any SUPERMAN movie I've ever seen. It was probably up there with the X-MEN movies, but not as much cheese.

Again, like BATMAN, it felt like a good movie, as opposed to being just a good superhero movie. That's probably why I'd rank it a little ahead of X-MEN. Plus, it's just one guy instead of an ensemble cast of Halle Berry not showing us her t!tt!es. If she would just MONSTER'S BALL it a little more often, I'd put the X-MEN series above THE DARK KNIGHT. Nah, just kidding. I think. She should just go into porn already. LICKING MONSTER BALLS or something like that. Little off-track there...

IRON MAN succeeds because of Robert Downey, Jr. I guess there was a reason why everyone hung on to him even when he was druggin' out and f@ckin' up. Funny how that works. Would anyone have cared if he was the crackhead version of Jason Scott Lee? $hit, I saw RAPA NUI. They should.

Hands down, Downey can act. I'm beginning to recognize the skills. TROPIC THUNDER, IRON MAN. The guy's on a roll. He made Tony Stark likeable as the maverick/playboy billionaire genius.

What I like about superhero movies is that you get to find out the background of how they became the superhero. I don't know. I just find it interesting. Do I care about my students' backgrounds? HELL, NO!! But I find these fictional characters a wee bit interesting. Probably BECAUSE they're not real.

Brief rundown. Stark's company makes weapons of destruction. He gets caught by the bad guys who want him to make more weapons for them. He narrowly escapes by creating an Iron Man prototype instead. Then, he realizes that he shouldn't be making weapons anymore, but decides to use Iron Man to fight crime or, at least in this particular movie, his Iron Man wannabe company partner.

The usual war/superhero action ensues. Lots of things blowing up. Lots of high tech stuff. Lots of metal. Not really iron though.

Terrence Howard was believable. Gwyneth was, too, until she pulled a Brad Pitt in SEVEN "What's in the box??!!" scene towards the end. Other than that, Downey stole the show and the movie was pretty entertaining. Not bad at all. No DARK KNIGHT though.

Basically, a guy movie. At one point, I thought I was watching WALL*E: FIRST BLOOD. AVENGERS is the next movie 'cause if you watch past the credits, they give you a quickie preview. I give this movie two pieces of metal shaped like mini-Cadbury eggs connected by a cord that also connects to a little power pack that can be operated by double A batteries which enables these bullet-shaped eggs to vibrate at different speeds. Ideally, these eggs should be waterproof, too. For what, I have no idea...

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Netflix is back!! Yeah, boooeeeeyyy!! Bigger and deffer (LL Cool J)...

This movie was pretty damn funny. Not like TROPIC THUNDER funny, but like the other Judd Apatow-produced movies. SUPERBAD, 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN, KNOCKED UP, etc.

I do have one complaint though. If you combine Adam Sandler's down-to-earth, every-man silliness with Kevin Smith's profound, witty vulgarity, don't you get Judd Apatow? That guy's leeching off their style. He's not original. He's a straight-up copycat. The only thing I'll give him credit for is somehow showing that pu$$y-birth (where else do babies come from?) scene in KNOCKED UP and that male frontal nudity scene all over FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. That $hit was hilarious. That being said, I do like this guy's movies. Oh, yeah, he also copies their crass humor-with-heart storylines.

Anyway, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL is about this soundtrack-musician dweeb who gets dumped by this famous hottie actress (Kristen Bell). He takes it hard and cries throughout the movie. I, personally, prefer it the other way around (hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr!) He goes to Hawaii to get his mind off his ex-girlfriend only to find that she's staying at the same hotel with her new boyfriend. Funny, not unusual premise.

The ensuing awkwardness is what makes the movie funny, but the usual offbeat Apatow cast of characters is what sustains it. Mila Kunis was in it, and she was cracking me up. Probably 'cause I thought she was actually hotter than usual. Hottness definitely contributes a little more to any girl's humor. Or perceived intelligence for that matter. $hit, hotness makes you a little more of everything.

This movie had the usual raunchy humor. The usual boundary-pushing sex acts. The usual loveable geeky character(s). That's his bread and butter. Make the geek the leading man. Make him go through common, everyday, awkward situations. Make the audience laugh. Stroke everyone's inner geek. Check the other movies.

I won't spoil the movie. Go and rent it. Entertaining and light. My favorite part was when the main character first busted out his original song. You'll see. Beautiful's favorite part was seeing the main character's PART. You'll see plenty of that, too. The "swingin' past ya knees" guy from TROPIC THUNDER was in this movie, too. Some local guys were also in it for some NORTH SHORE comic relief.

I give this movie two Makaha Sons of Ni'ihau and the Mormons' "Lovers Lane," otherwise known as Laie Point. Rent the movie. You owe it to yourself. Thoughtless, fun entertainment that I'm pretty sure your girl will like, too...

Cape Fear

Taking it back to the old school...way back...well, not that way back...I heard that this was actually a remake...

Cape Fear. That movie with young Bobby De Niro in it. Jessica Lange, Juliette Lewis, and Nick Nolte were in it, too. I kept expecting Eddie Murphy to come out and punch Nick Nolte in the face.

I remember a few years ago when the fellas told me to go and watch GLORY in all its glory. Problem is, by the time I saw that movie, I had already seen BRAVEHEART and GLADIATOR. Hard to watch an older war movie now when today's war movies have the benefit of all them special effects and CGI and $hit.

Then, the guys recommended THREE AMIGOS for a plethora of reasons. Again, humor changes through time, so by the time I saw this movie, I didn't think it was that funny. Maybe it was funny back then, but it was definitely not timeless like Eddie Murphy's DELIRIOUS.

In CAPE FEAR, I was expecting much of the same time lag deficiencies. However, to my surprise, this movie was, and still is, the bomb diggy, yo!!

Basically, De Niro plays this ex-con psycho with a f@cked-up accent who finally gets out of prison only to exact revenge on his defense lawyer for "burying" some evidence that could've been used at the time to keep him out of jail. Nolte's the lawyer/father, Lange is the wife/mother, and Lewis is somehow their teenage daughter.

The movie works 'cause De Niro is psycho, clever, smooth, and overly violent. He harasses them throughout the movie and it's disturbingly AWESOME!! You get to watch De Niro in his element. It's similar to Jack Nicholson playing crazy where you start thinking, "Is he really acting or just being himself?"

The only thing that bothered me was the cheesy, spooky soundtrack. You know, those incessant, irritating horns and violins where they keep playing the same thing over and over and over. Sounded like the same musician from THE SHINING.

This movie was made in '91 (I think). Some of the violence and profane dialogue would still be disturbing today. These types of movies are more suspenseful to me because it could really happen. It's the realness factor that brings me to the edge of my seat and nearly causes me to squid luau my shorts.

De Niro was chillingly awesome. Nolte's good at playing mad like in 48 HOURS. Jessica Lange always tries to play creepy sexy. Juliette Lewis, in that sense, succeeds in one-upping her. I swear that girl is the most successful SPED actress in the world. And she went out with Brad Pitt. Juliette Lewis...Angelina Jolie...That doesn't even compute. Maybe she's the top SPED BJer in the world, too.

Seriously, great movie. Classic suspense flick. Older horror movies are usually better than the SAW crap they've been putting out lately. I give this movie two WHITE CHICKS trying to be sexy when they're too old and too young to be doing so even though Robert De Niro is trying to shank-ooof them both...

Igor

Okay, so if you took the disturbing factor of BULLY, and combined it with the pointlessness of STRICTLY BALLROOM, and then made it into a cartoon, you'd have IGOR, the most f@cked-up movie, animated or not, that I've seen in a long time. And that's taking into consideration that I watch a lot of $hitty-a$$ movies.

I've really never seen an animated movie this bad. Pixar and Shrek have raised the bar so high, that it's kinda hard to compete in that genre, but let me tell you, I think we all could've YouTubed a better movie.

Let me give you the rundown. The land of Malaria is a dark and gloomy place, and so everyone has resorted to trying to create evil inventions. Why? I don't know. I have no clue. It was that kinda movie.

So, the evil scientists are kinda like the cool guys and their assistants, Igor and all the other humpback/hunchback Quasimodo rejects, are the hapless grunts, miserably doing the $hit-jobs while their bosses get all the glory.

Igor, our main character, has visions of being an evil scientist himself, even though this is unprecedented and blasphemous. He aspires and works his a$$ off behind the scenes, and even has two sidekicks that he created himself. One is an immortal rat looking creature played by Steve Buscemi and the other is this brain-in-the-jar character who's actually an idiot who can't even spell his name right, hence the name "Brian" instead of Brain. Okay, so maybe that was a little funny.

Anyway, every year in Malaria, there's this Evil Science Fair, so all the evil geniuses compete to outdo each other. The lame flaming gay-a$$ character who always wins, does so by cheating and stealing inventions from other competing scientists.

Igor's boss dies, so he creates this female Frankenstein fugly bitch that doesn't want to do any evil. In fact, this deformed beeyotch only wants to act. Yeah, I guess someone in charge of this terrible movie thought that this premise would be funny. It wasn't.

Igor continually tries to make Eva (from mispronouncing "Evil") do ghastly evil things, but Eva just wants to be in the musical, ANNIE. Yup, not making it up.

Okay, I'll stop. I wish I was making this $hit up. The movie wasn't just bad 'cause it sucked a$$. It was also bad because of the kid-UNfriendly content. For example:


1) They must've said the word "KILL" at least 10-15 times during the first half hour of the movie, sometimes back-to-back-to-back.

2) They introduced the word "murder" to your kids' vocabulary and actually had an "Axe Murderer" reference and a scene where Igor was wielding an axe.

3) They had some over-the-top adult humor and sexual innuendos. Couple of make-out semi-Japanese Anime scenes and a big-breasted woman character.

4) The moral of the story was actually, "Everyone has an evil bone in their body, but it's how we choose to live our life..." or some bull$hit like that. Another line was "I'd rather be a good nobody, then an evil somebody..." For real. That's as clever as it got.


To be fair, there were some redeeming moments, but for the most part, I found myself squirming uncomfortably in my seat. And this movie didn't even have any candle wax-pouring rape scenes in it. Might as well have.

Steve Buscemi was funny. The ending had its moments. John Cusack was Igor, so it was pretty boring. It was like they were trying to do the whole "Choose the Right" thing by showing your kids all the wrong $hit that you're NOT supposed to do. Well, you know how that works. Hmmm...I wonder what they're going to focus on?

Lucky for us, the movie went way over Kahia and Kawai's heads, so they somehow enjoyed the movie. I didn't, but they did, so lose-win, I guess. I give this movie two hours of Japanese Manga goat-bleating candle-wax hairy-pu$$y-censoring porn, which is about how disturbing I found this movie to actually be...

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNTIL YOUR KIDS ARE 69 YEARS OLD!!!

Tropic Thunder

Tropic Thunder is about five homophobic guys who went to a theater to bond only to leave a one-seat minimum space between each other.

Oh, wait. Sorry. Wrong movie. That was HIGHLANDS TROJAN MEN coming this summer.

And now for our feature presentation...


"I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipes, and swallow the gravy..."

"You paying attention? I'm talking.....G5, Pecker! That's how you can roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boy! Oh yeah! Playa....playa! Big dick playa!"
"Swinging past ya knees!"

"When you wrote 'I Love Tha Pussy', was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance's forehead?"

"It's 'viet cong.' There's no 's,' it's already plural. You wouldn't say 'Chineses...'"


Okay, so you had to be there. And maybe you have to be male, but this movie was F@CKIN' HILARIOUS!! I'm talking laughing-so-hard-you're-crying hilarious. This movie is the most quotable movie since, dare I say, PREDATOR?

And everyone had their share of lines, too. In fact, there were so many clever lines, you gotta go and probably buy the DVD to hear 'em all. It was so funny, that if you laugh, you probably miss about a couple more jokes in the process. It was that kinda movie.

Basically, this movie is about five actors and how they end up being in a real war zone when they were just supposed to be "filming" a war movie. It's a movie that mocks Hollywood and its stereotypical actors. It just so happens that this movie IS actually packed with star power. Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Tom Cruise, Nick Nolte, and the guy who pretty much stole the movie, Robert Downey, Jr.

Having that many quality actors instead of Leslie Nielsen is probably why this movie was "witty" funny as opposed to just being a lame-a$$ comedy spoof. They must've had fun trying to outdo each other on every take. Imagine having to act serious at being funny. That's no easy task, my friends. I do it every day.

You had the Academy Award-winning actor. You had the blockbuster action star. You had the goofball comedy actor. You had the stereotypical Black hip-hop rapper/actor. You had some teenage nerdy guy who-we-all-knew-but-couldn't-figure-out-who-he-was actor. I'm not telling who played who. Gotta go see it.

This movie had too many funny parts to choose from, so I'll just give my guarantee to go and watch and enjoy it. DARK KNIGHT? Can't miss! TROPIC THUNDER? Guaranteed to please!! Like a Vietnamese buy-me-drinkie hooker!!

Seeing Robert Downey, Jr play a Black guy and hearing Tom Cruise say "F@CK!!" every other word was worth the ridiculous price of admission. Seriously, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS MOVIE!!

I give this movie two full retards swallowing each others' gravy. And I somehow mean that in a good way. Looking for pure, lighthearted entertainment and a great laugh? WATCH THIS MOVIE, YOU FULL VIET CONG RETARD!!

Step Up 2: The Streets

Guess what we watched today after our Ice Palace field trip? You think I would waste my time watching this crap? I do it all for the kids. Anything for them.

Ebony: "Yo, man!! Don't be disrespectin' me and my crew like dat ever again, punk!!"

Ivory: "What's with all the hostility? Stop the violence! Let's take it around the corner, merge onto the Pacific Coast Highway, take the next cutoff heading in a southeasterly direction, and after approximately 2.4 miles, LET'S TAKE IT TO THE STREETS!!"


Man, I think I've seen this movie before. It was called STOMP THE YARD.

Wait, my bad. It was actually YOU'VE GOT SERVED.

No, no. What was I thinking? The movie was BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Sorry. I was just joking. It was the movie FAME.

Damn it!! I think the movie was for real called SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER.

No. Wait a minute. It was actually on TV. The show was called SOLID GOLD.

Come again? I'm going mento. The show was SOUL TRAIN.

Okay, stop playing already. I've got it for real. Seriously, the movie was called MERRIE MONARCH.


Take the cast from REVENGE OF THE NERDS. Make sure they're attending the gifted school at FAME. They gotta be able to dance like AMERICA'S BEST DANCE CREW. Apply the theme from SAVE THE LAST DANCE. Find an empty warehouse like in every Black dance movie so they can battle. And there you have it. STEP UP 2: THE STREETS!! Yeah, booooeeeeeyyyy!!!!

Nah, seriously though, the dancing was off the hizzle fo' shizzle my nizzle!! Can't believe I'm saying this, but this dance movie was the best dance movie I've ever seen. Seriously. Even better than STRICTLY BALLROOM. A million times better!

If dancing is your thing, this definitely is the movie for you. If cheesy plot lines tickle your fancy, buy this DVD now.

Watching all these misfit dancers was like watching Duke Aiona at McCain's campaign rally. It was like watching a Black guy ice skate. (Actually, I kinda witnessed that today for the first time ever on our Hui Popolo bonding field trip.) It was like watching a Hawaiian work. It was like watching an Asian guy in porn.

Nah, these guys could really dance. They just looked like they wouldn't be able to. Remember Kevin Bacon in THE AIR UP THERE? Yup, those days are over. Now, they got actors who can act AND physically perform their moves. I was pretty impressed. Like I'm f@ckin' MC Hammer. What the hell do I know?

Awesome dance movie. Pretty good movie overall. I give this movie two lapdances from the Pussycat Dolls...

The Hitcher

This horror/suspense/slasher flick stars Sophia "We've Got" Bush and some other no-name actors. Well, actually there's this one guy I recognize from The Rock movie where he was wielding a big stick. I know you ladies wouldn't mind seeing that. The Rock's nemesis in that movie, whoever he is, was in this movie. Beautiful thought he was hot.

Anyway, this movie, considering the genre, was pretty entertaining. There's nothing better than an hour and a half, light movie that lets you escape from reality for a while and doesn't make you think. It was pretty riveting. It had enough action and blood to keep my attention. Not like Saw blood, but enough that made me say, "Damn!!" Sometimes, I think I'm Black. Or colored. Depends if you're racist or not. Which I'm not. I love the Black man. Not in a gay way. Show me the money!!

Okay, got a little off track there...

So, this movie was about the typical college-aged couple going on a road trip to meet the girl's friends so they can talk about how he is in bed and typical girly $hit like that. That is what you girls talk about, right?

They end up giving this sketchy guy a ride and I'm pretty sure you can figure out what's going to go down for the rest of the movie. I won't ruin it for you. Let's just say that it was kinda fun watching even though it was kinda predictable. Well, you might know WHAT'S coming next, but you probably won't know HOW. Actually, with all the mistakes the couple made, I'm surprised the movie didn't last only 10 minutes.

Whenever I watch these types of movies, a few questions always pop into my head:

1) Why would you give a total stranger a ride? Are you not feeling the creepy vibe?

2) If you're trying to get the attention of another driver while you're driving, wouldn't you concentrate on the road and make your passenger flag down the other driver? Probably save you from getting into an accident or two.

3) If someone is clearly trying to kill you, but you somehow injured them, wouldn't you check to see if the person was really dead? Wouldn't you at least keep running him over with the car? Maybe that's just me.

4) If the cops were after you and you know you didn't do a damn thing, wouldn't you just turn yourself in and explain? Beats having even MORE cops chase you.

5) I know I'm always in the mood, but do you really have time to ooof in the shower when a killer's after you? Or does it somehow heighten the pleasure? I knew rape was a good thing.

Pretty good movie if you're into scary movies. Deena liked it. I liked that she liked it. I personally find horror/suspense movies to be quite funny. I like to guess when someone's going to die or just appear out of nowhere. Or maybe laughter is my defense mechanism for dealing with fear. Either way, I'm usually entertained. I think the last time I was truly scared while watching a movie was "Sixth Sense". Other than that, not really. Actually, "Strictly Ballroom" scared the bejesus out of me 'cause I was so horrified that someone would have the nerve to make such a piece of $hit.

I give this movie two funbags to grab onto while having two minutes of hot shower sex as you get poked two times, once by a blunt Johnson and on the second time around, a long, thick, sharp knife...

The Constant Gardener

Starring: Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz

I think I'm officially old. I was trying to watch "Epic Movie" the other day and I shut it off halfway. "The Constant Gardener," on the other hand, kept my interest throughout. How very adult of me.

This movie was pretty damn good in a Academy Awards kinda way. I mean, it can't hold a candle to "The Dark Knight" or anything like that, but it had some drama for you and your mama.

The movie takes place in Africa, so let's just say that it was "Blood Diamond" with pharmaceutical drugs. Seriously, it really was. It was also a combination of Karate Kid 2, Cool Runnings, and Lake Placid. Nah, just kidding. That sounded like some kinda deep, mismatched comparison Blakedy-Blake would make...while he shakes and bakes...and eats steak...with a piece of red velvet cake...what a mistake...there's more money at stake...don't fake...The Constant Gardener surely must own a rake...for heaven's sake...my lyrics are opaque...yeah, he does look exactly like Jake...

Sorry about that. Can't help it once my flow gets started, yo. It just be like diarrhea flowing right out my a$$!!

Anyway, the movie is about British diplomat Ralph not ralphing when he learns that his outspoken, we-are-the-world wife (Weisz) has just been killed while traveling somewhere in Africa. She was onto something, and gardener-hobbying Ralph spends the entire movie "pulling weeds" until he can get to the bottom of this f@cked-up mystery.

SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT!! (Well, if you're actually going to watch it...)

Basically, these pharmaceutical companies were experimenting their TB-curing drugs on Africans before making it available to the public. These trials were not getting the desired results, so people started getting all crazy just to turn a profit. Everyone's corrupt and greedy and Ralph is trying to figure out who's responsible for his wife's death. At first, he doesn't even know what his wife was trying to expose and throughout the movie, to make matters worse, there were implications that she was cheating on him, which added to the intrigue and deception. You basically go along for the ride with Ralphy boy and try to figure out who's doing what. Your basic thriller. I wasn't joking about the Blood Diamond similarities. Not as good though.

OKAY, SPOILING DONE...

This type of movie, again, makes you think of the possibility of this kind of corruption going on in the world today. Could it be happening every day in faraway places like Iraq even? What's up with our gas prices? Hmmm...

I enjoyed the movie. So did my Baby. She only prefers watching dramas and chick flicks. Well, chick flicks are all about the drama. Really, though, good movie. You have to be in the mood though. You have to have two hours to spare. You have to be prepared to take it all in. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr. Nah, you'll be entertained in a cerebral way. That's a pretty fair warning. I give this movie two Viagras and a hard, stiff, sleepless night...

Fist of the White Lotus

Soooooo, you think your kung fu is better than mine? I'll show you...BASTARD!!

That's right. Shaw Brothers Black Belt Theater. Bringing it back to the old school. Way back.

Crouching Tiger and all them other flying-around kung fu movies owe the Shaw Brothers. They made the classics. Master Killer, Five Deadly Venoms. Remember those? Oh, you don't care, huh. Well, if you did, you would know.

Anyway, Fist of the White Lotus features that Gordon Liu guy from Master Killer. They also have the stereotypical white bearded, white eye-browed, white haired, old master who's whipping everyone's a$$ without expending much energy.

The movie is about the White Lotus clan versus the Shaolin clan (I think?). After I got caught up in all the fighting, I kinda lost track of the story. Go figure. All I know is that Gordon Liu's best friend and his girlfriend get killed by that old man master, White Lotus. This was, of course, a little payback for Liu and his boy killing one of their previous masters. Revenge seems to be a recurring theme in Chinese Kung Fu cinema. Why is that? I don't see Yao Ming throwing elbows in the NBA. Maybe the Rockets' coaches should send someone to hurt his brother. Then, he'd play angry and play better. Maybe even Wu Tang Shaq's a$$.

Liu practices and practices AND PRACTICES until he can get HIS revenge. He actually gets beat down a few times. Don't you just love training sequences in kung fu movies? He finally figures out which style to use, and guess what? He actually beats the master. Go figure.

I won't ruin the ending, but let's just say that his style involves paper dummies, acupuncture, and a more effeminate touch. Yup, I know you're just heading down to Chinatown right now asking Won Hung Lo for some manapua and this flick! Yeah, just let me know. I'll let you guys borrow.

The staccato fighting is still fun to watch. The terrible English dubbing is still hilarious. The plot is porous as ever. BUT, you still gotta love those kung fu classics!! Don't lie!! I know you used to watch with your parents when you were younger!

I actually posted the preview about a couple of posts back. You can check it out if you didn't already. I give this movie two rice cakes and some greasy roast pork. I'm getting hungry now...

I Think I Love My Wife

No, that's not a statement. That's a movie title. Besides, I KNOW I love my wife.

I also have HBO. That's why I end up reviewing old movies. Just thought I'd tell you guys in case you were wondering.

This movie featured Chris Rock acting, as well as directing. I thought it was gonna suck bad like his other movies, but it was actually not bad. Probably 'cause my expectations were low, I was pleasantly surprised.

Steve Buscemi was in the movie. And so was Stephen A. Smith. Yeah, that guy. The irritating ESPN sports guy. Kerry Washington played the hottie. She didn't look it, but judging by her voice, I think she was the sister of the main black guy in that Julia Stiles Jungle Fever dance movie, Save the Last Dance.

So, the movie was about two of my favorite things, marriage and sex. Now, if I could just figure out how to put the two together. Just kidding.

Really, though. Chris Rock plays a banker/father/husband guy who's "trapped" in his boring married life. His old friend's girl visits him at work one day and a fling slowly develops without him even knowing it. She knows exactly what she's doing though. Girls like straddling that friend/girlfriend line and playing innocent. Jezebels, I tell you.

Anyway, the movie does the usual comparing of married vs single life and having fun with it. Chris Rock pretty much acts out his stand-up routine throughout the movie. His acting has gotten better.

When he "acts," the movie is just okay, but when he's "Chris Rock," he's hilarious, he's swearing and being all raunchy, and the movie is a bit more entertaining.

For a light comedy, it has its moments. Or it could be that I'm a newlywed, so I can finally relate. That "not having sex once you get married" thing is not so funny though. I really feel that a healthy sex life is an important part of a happy, successful marriage. HINT, HINT! Gotta have the passion, right? I bet you there's a direct correlation between crazy oofing and marital fidelity. What do you guys think?

The ending was straight cheesy, but the movie was alright. Not bad. Not great. I wasn't dying laughing or anything like that, but it entertained me enough. Chris Rock always makes me appreciate Eddie Murphy more. I give this movie two days of sex per weekend...

The Dark Knight REMIX

On the second go-around, I found some things to be interesting:

Batman's raspy voice started to irritate me, but then I found it to be endearing like how Edward James Olmos's voice used to be when he was Police Chief on Miami Vice.

Maggie Gyllenhaal kinda looks like one of those creepy, cartoony characters in Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas.

She's not hot or anything, but surprisingly I couldn't look away.

I couldn't stop laughing when I saw the Joker wearing Harvey Dent's campaign sticker on his nurse's uniform.

Aaron Eckhart gets to a point in the movie where every line he's screaming out something at the top of his lungs.

Did you recognize Anthony Michael Hall in the movie?

Harvey Dent has a huge-a$$ dimple on his chin which pretty much eliminated him from realistically being Batman.

That Batcycle was the $hit!!

The Joker's f@ckin' even more hilarious the second time around.

Newman from Seinfeld should play the Penguin in the next movie.

How can they top this?

You Killed My Teacher

That's right. You know I'm gonna have to review some Shaw Brothers Black Belt Theater old school kung fu flicks. And it's only a matter of time 'till we get to the more "adult" stuff. Stay tuned...

The Dark Knight

Holy f@ck, Batman!!

Before I give you my rave review, let's hear what others had to say about this movie:

"This movie was, like, the BEST movie, like, EVER! I wouldn't consider this movie a superhero movie. I wouldn't even consider it an action movie. It was just an overall, excellent, well-made crime caper. When you see a work of art, you just wanna watch it over and over and over...kinda like watching my well-toned a$$..." - THomas "Buns of Steel" K.

"I be like a true Batman fan, you know. I be watchin' dat $hit back in the day when dey had all dem cheesy sound effex. Bam! Ka-pow!! You know dat $hit, right? So I wuz lovin' dat movie, boy! Let me tell ya...and dat Joker??!! Whoooooooeeeeeeyyyy!! Dat boooey deserve an Oscar or 40 oz or sum'n sum'n!!" - LWeb, co-teacher

"A true dick flick. Action-packed and entertaining, but not moving. I'd rather watch P.S. I Love You..." - D Teezee, dick flicker

"Thith movie wath, perhapth, the greateth thingle thing ever made thinth thlithed bread. The Joker's voith and mannerithimths reminded me of my huthband. My huthbandth's bringing thexy back! And tho ith thith new Batman movie. Outthanding!! Thintilating!! Batman can thurely kick Thupermanth's ath!!" - ??????

And there you have it, folks. Everyone's agreed. Batman is the movie pick of the summer.

Here's what I think:

Great acting (Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Heath Ledger, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Michael Caine, Aaron Eckhart, Gary Oldman...) Tons of kick-ass action and cool Batman gadgets for the guys. Heath Ledger for the girls. (Ooooh, I can imagine the latest, creepy role-playing going on in bedrooms everywhere...) Great, dark setting. The Batcycle. Christopher Nolan should get more credit for making Memento and reviving the Batman movies. The Joker was (if you haven't, for some reason, heard the hype yet) truly AWESOME.

I heard some people say that the movie might be a little long, but I was engaged the entire way. I had to really take a piss afterwards, but I was thoroughly entertained. Maybe you can bring a bottle or just piss in your popcorn bucket after you've eaten it all. Then, just leave it in the theaters. Don't feel guilty. That's what they get for robbing us every time we buy a movie ticket and their overpriced snacks.

I'm not going to reveal any of the plot because this post is becoming too long, and it's better if you just go and see it. This movie was definitely the best movie I've seen this summer. Near-perfect. A tiny smidge above Wall*E. I give this movie BAM! two more sequels KA-POW!! and no mention of Alicia Silverstone playing Fatgirl...

The Shining

Taking it back to the 80's with this horror classic. Or was it just a cult classic?

The Shining, starring Jack Nicholson, is a movie about a family who stays in this isolated pre-Kobe raping Colorado hotel.

Jack's a former teacher/present author who gets a hotel job partly 'cause he got fired from his former profession and was a little desperate for work, and fittingly, because it offers him some money, time, and solitude to work on his new novel. His son, Danny, is clairvoyant. He has the "shine," and can talk to others with this shine, hence, the movie title, The Shining. Danny sees bad things happening in the hotel that freak out his mom and 'causes her to accuse Jack of some past sins. Jack's wife/Danny's mom, Wendy, is just a terrible, whiny, no-name actress whose job is to provoke Jack to act all crazy throughout the movie.

Jack's job is to take care of the hotel during the vacant months when winter is so bad, no one can get to and from the hotel. His family is along for the ride. No one else is there. Their isolation provides the perfect setting for this weird movie.

Before I go on, let me just say that I liked Jack as usual, but didn't really get the movie. I mean, it was definitely creepy primarily 'cause of the irritating soundtrack and the robotic acting, but it was also a bit confusing.

I couldn't tell throughout the movie if Jack was in real life, flashbacks, or just dreaming. Then, when I thought he was just hallucinating, something would happen to him physically that would change my mind. Can ghosts physically harm people? Is the story about him or someone else? It also didn't help that the kid was communicating with every little creepy thing in the movie and saying, "Red rum! Red rum!!" a million times in that "I see dead people" voice. He was actually the scariest character in the movie to me. More so than Jack.

Again, maybe somebody can explain the movie to me 'cause I just kept trying to make sense of it and came up empty every time. Felt like I was watching Vanilla Sky and Mulholland Drive simultaneously while suffering a migraine. Nah, not that bad, but we were both pretty confused. I know this movie is supposed to be good, and it has a lot of quotable dialogue, but I thought it was alright. It did set the mood in terms of being scary-creepy and all, but I guess when you watch an 80's movie now, some stuff are going to seem cheesy. Deena was scared $hitless. I just wanted the movie to speed up and get scarier.

If you want to be semi-creeped-out and need a dose of Jack, then this movie might be right up your alley. If not, watch something else. If you can recommend a great horror movie to us, better yet. We really like spooky movies, but can never find one that makes us Hershey squirt in our shorts nowadays...

Little Children

Before I review this movie, let me preface it by saying that my Baby and I are, for some reason, attracted to movies that have dysfunctional characters. Now that I think of it, you guys probably know why we're attracted to these types of movies. Shut the f@ck up! Don't say it! Let's move on.

This movie is about dysfunctional suburbanites. That's it. Cut and dried. You get to observe 4 people's lives play out and intertwine and affect all the other "innocent" people in seemingly perfect suburbia. I guess I'm always attracted to these movies because of the graphic "realness" that it portrays. It always makes me think that behind every friendly smile, firm handshake, or perfect-looking family lurks a bunch of skeletons dying to come out of the closet. I don't know if you can be a lurking, dying skeleton, but ignoring the accuracy of my f@cked-up idiom, you know what I mean.

Kate Winslett plays the young, unhappily-married mom who takes care of her daughter more out of a sense of duty than love. Her husband's addicted to work and porn. There's the "prom king" who's unhappily-married to Jennifer Connelly (how is that possible?) and takes care of their son full-time because he refuses to grow up and put any effort into passing the bar exam. There's an ex-cop guy who's removed from the force because of one bad decision. And finally, there's the required child molester/sexual pervert character that any movie about dysfunction must have played by, of all people, the kick-a$$, rebel kid from the original Bad News Bears movie.

I think Kate Winslett got nominated for an Oscar for her role, and as I was watching her ooof crazily in the movie, I wondered why people are so down on her. Remember when Titanic came out and everybody and their mother was talking about how she was such a fatty? I don't think she's fat. I think she has a normal, healthy body. I mean, she's not hot or anything, but she's definitely not fugly either. Funny thing is, the more naked she got, the more I was able to recognize her strengths. Why can't we all just focus on her acting abilities like I do with Jessica Alba? You shallow bastards! More substance, less style.

Anyway, we thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It was definitely engaging in a way that American Beauty kinda kept your attention. Maybe when I see these weird characters on film, I start feeling better about myself. Maybe I start to feel more forgiving of people 'cause you never know what drove people to be how they are. Maybe there are no bad people, just bad, $hitty-a$$ decisions.

Watch this movie. The critics liked it, and so did Beautiful and I. This is the kinda movie where when you watch it, you kinda feel more like an adult and you know, a little more intelligent because you actually watched it instead of Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.

Good movie. Really. Unless you find yourself being disturbed by dysfunction in all its glory. I give this movie two Michael Jacksons and an R. Kelly...

The Bucket List

Right off the bat, let me just say that this movie was really good. Or maybe I just like to judge movies by how much Deena cries. Like "P.S. I Love You," the critics, for some reason, ripped on this movie, but we really liked it. I guess when you have Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson in the same movie, expectations are going to be running pretty high.

The movie is about these two guys at the end of their lives who become terminally ill. They meet each other at the hospital that Jack owns because they're actually side-by-side in the same room receiving their treatments.

Morgan is the everyman that's married, has kids and grandkids, but worked hard as a mechanic every single day of his life to provide for his family. Been married to the same woman, and has never been with another woman. A lot of dreams unfulfilled or at least put on hold because he was too busy raising a family.

Jack is the stereotypical rich guy who has tons of money, but no wife and several failed marriages. You find out later in the movie that he has a daughter, but he somehow f@cks up that relationship, too. He plays the usual over-the-top Jack character that's self-indulgent, rude, and obnoxious, but funny. Is it me, or does he get all those Oscar nominations playing himself all the time?

The pair make for quite a contrast. They find out they're going to die, so they make a bucket list, which is basically, a list of things you always wanted to do before you kick the bucket. Then, they leave the hospital together and set out to do every single outlandish thing on their list. You'll see what they do. That's the fun, entertaining part of the movie.

By the ending of the movie, they learn more about each other and, of course, about themselves. The audience is along for the ride, and we begin to reflect on our own impending death and crummy, boring, regretful lives. Do you live every day like it's your last? Would you, if you knew your own due date? Would you even want to know? They also provide plenty of the inevitable religious questions. Do you believe in God? The afterlife? Again, maybe a cause for some self-reflection on the audience's part.

A little formulaic, I suppose, but when you have two heavyweights going at it in a movie, can the movie be really that bad? I liked it. Deena definitely loved it. With all the emotions flying around, it might even be considered a male bonding chick flick, if that's possible. Seize the day, and go ahead and watch this movie. My Baby highly recommends it. Machismo aside, I do, too. I guarantee the guys will like it better than Brokeback Mountain. Not that I've seen that movie or anything...

Blood Diamond

I just saw Blood Diamond tonight amidst the plethora of firecracker noise coming from our neighborhood. Actually, the noise wasn't that bad. You should see my mom them's house. West side!!

The movie, starring Leo DiCaprio, Djimon Hounsou, and in-again, out-again hottie Jennifer Connelly, is about the diamond trade in South Africa. I'm pretty sure that this kinda f@cked-up $hit goes on in Africa right now, but I'm local, so what the hell do I know or care. They didn't give the whole "based on a true story" line, but I'm sure it's based on reality. Or maybe at least Michael Moore reality, whatever you believe that to be.

Leo's the White diamond smuggler, Djimon's the Black fisherman, and Connelly's just there to even up the hotness score for the guys. Okay, so she's some kind of journalist.

Here's the gist of the movie. Diamond "fields" are located in Africa. Americans (and other rich countries) buy diamonds because women are shallow and materialistic and need a big-a$$ diamond ring before they choose to love us unconditionally. In order to get these diamonds, rich countries trade weapons to these poor countries to aid these countries in their civil wars. Rebels who want to fight against their government will enslave their own people to search for these diamonds to gain weapons and the upper hand to overtake the government. Many people die in the wars from these weapons. Many people die slaving over these diamonds that insecure women desperately need as a symbol of our love and commitment. Many people are killing their own race of people. Hence, the movie title. Actually, I really shouldn't be making cracks about this stuff...

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Well, I guess your best friend is a mass murderer, and you're an accessory to murder. That's why they call jewelry "accessories". Holy $hit!! Man, sometimes I even amaze myself with my wit. Flashes of brilliance. It happens a lot. Few more times and I'll proclaim myself a genius.

Anyway, Djimon's son gets kidnapped and forced to soldier for the rebels. Djimon himself is forced to work in the diamond fields. He finds a huge-a$$ pink diamond, and buries it in the hills. Leo plays the con-artist/soldier/diamond smuggler guy who crosses paths with Djimon and offers to "help" him reunite with his family and get the hell out of that $hithole. They actually end up really needing each other. Connelly is there to report all the corruption that goes on in the diamond trade and she finds Leo 'cause he's known as THE diamond guy. She's trying to gather proof and expose a certain diamond company's flaws. "Flaws," get it. Clever, right. It just flows naturally. I can't stop it.

Okay, I'm gonna stop right there. Watch the movie. You won't regret it. This movie has everything. It's entertaining, educational, and critically acclaimed. It has graphic Rambo violence, heart-wrenching drama, and kids doing crazy $hit that's guaranteed to disturb you. It has Leo, Djimon, and Jennifer performing for Oscar. Well, maybe not Jennifer. She's performing for your Johnson. You can't go wrong. Even the soundtrack's good. I highly recommend this movie for deep guys and shallow girls. I give this movie two karats. Bling, bling...

White Men Can't Jump

Whoa, this movie was AWESOME, dude!!

Too bad I've seen it a long time ago, so no retro-reviewing...

I'm here for only one thing:

JOE-JOE, CHECK OUT MY OTHER BLOG!! IT'S OKAY NOW!! JESSICA ALBA THE JEZEBEL ANTICHRIST HAS BEEN EXORCISED TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!

For real, Josephina, I changed it just for you so that you wouldn't have to yield to temptation...

Wall*E

Johnny 5 is alive! Waaall*Eeee!! Come on, you know you wanna say it in your computerized Mr. Roboto voice. Try it. Waaall*Eeee!!

So we saw Wall*E with the kids today. Gotta love those Pixar nerds. Have they made a flop yet? Those guys are pure geniuses. Been throwing around that label a lot lately. Gotta make sure I use it sparingly. Can't help it though. It is what it is.

As you might have guessed, the movie was just grrrreat. Honestly, in the middle, I got a little bored, but the beginning, ending, and overall feel of the movie made up for it. Sometimes, you just gotta wonder. How do people come up with this creative $hit? Cutesy movie. Funny jokes for the kids and adults. Unreal computer graphics. Really, those Pixar guys can do no wrong. Again, pure genius.

The movie's about Wall*E, this cleaning robot, whose primary job is to cleanse the Earth of all its trash. The humans have left Earth and gone into space to, well...find more space to live in. The world is just crap. Literally. It takes place in the future where humans are extremely lazy because of the convenience that technology offers. Somehow, Wall*E ends up the only robot left on Earth. To sum it up, the 1st third of the movie should be called "I Am Short Circuit."

The middle part of the movie finds Wall*E on the human mothership. All the humans are there living in the lap of luxury with all these specialized robots at their beck and call. This part I will call "Short Circuit Wars" because it reminded me of all the stormtroopers, R2D2, and C3PO when they were on that big a$$ Darth Vader ship running around. For some reason, I got bored during this part. It felt a little drawn out to me. I don't know why.

Throughout the movie, they have a little "Sleepless in Short Circuitry" going on 'cause there's a cute love affair between Wall*E and this other hottie robot. They even have the comparable old movie flick that the main characters longingly watch just like in Sleepless in Seattle. This is the cutesy, touchy-feely part of the movie that draws you in and makes you care about this Johnny 5 knockoff. That and the whole save the Earth theme permeating throughout.

One other thing of note. The movie hardly has any dialogue. They're robots, so there's a lot of beeps, whirs, whistles, and the sound your computer makes when it starts up. Deena and I would look at each other and laugh every time Wall*E rebooted and made that sound. You'll see. No subtitles either. This ain't no Crouching Tiger, Hidden Short Circuit. Parents get to see if their child's progressing normally and picking up on non-verbal cues.

The ending of the movie made it all worth it. I'm not going to spoil it for you. Hilarious and heartwarming with a message to us Humanoids. Pixar has done it again. Great movie...

A Penis and a Wheelchair Fight

Two dramatic, but funny clips from Born on the 4th of July.

Born on the 4th of July

We're taking it back to the old school. Tom Cruise style.

This is an Oliver Stone war flick about a small-town USA kid, Ronnie Kovic (Cruise), who grows up to serve in the Vietnam War. It follows his life from small-kid time all the way 'till after the war. He grew up in the Kennedy-Nixon era, where Americans were supposed to serve their country, and everyone seemed to be worshipping God like good ol' Christians.

Basically, he's the All-American boy. He goes all out in everything. He does the right thing. He's the oldest in the family. He even wrestles for his high school. He's the chosen one in his family, destined for great things.

Influenced by the patriotic climate of his era, he ends up joining the Marines right out of high school. This leads him to the frontlines of the Vietnam War, where he ends up experiencing two things that would change his life forever. You can watch the movie and see for yourself. Later, he ends up getting shot and is paralyzed beneath the waist.

When he comes home from the war, he deals with all the real struggles of a Vietnam vet. This is the part of the movie that really makes you think. Ronnie finally begins to question the government and their participation in the Vietnam War. He feels like he went over there and fought for nothing.

I suppose many vets watch this movie and cringe. My dad is a Vietnam vet and he hardly ever talks about it. It seems kinda surreal. It's easy to think of it as a part of US history, not someone's personal history. We all just pretty much leave it alone, but it must be difficult for anyone who has served to repress their memories and experiences. To be honest, it never really comes up. Of course, my dad's a strong-minded guy though.

Lately, I've been thinking about the "truth" about things. Like the Vietnam War. Were they really trying to stop Communism? Most people think the war was bull$hit, but how come so many Americans fell for it. It makes me think of now and the reason why we're sending all those soldiers to Iraq. I'm beginning to think that America was built on bull$hit. We're just bullies and no one says $hit 'cause we all benefit from the bullying. Maybe I'm the one talking some bull$hit, but really, what if? We just go around the world taking what we want, and now, the rest of the world is tired of getting beat up, so they're fighting back, and all of our resources are getting blocked off. Why are gas prices so high? Hmmmm... Where the hell is Osama? Hmmm... 9/11? Organized religion? Don't even want to go there, but it makes you wonder, huh. Well, maybe it's just me being crazy.

Sorry to get all deep on you, but the movie was good in that Oscar-Best-Picture-you-gotta-be-in-the-mood kinda way. I can see why the critics liked this movie. I don't know how much you'll like this movie, especially if you don't have 2 hours and 24 minutes to spare. My Baby was taking a well-deserved nap, so I knew I had some time. It was either this or some porn that would last me only two minutes anyway. Two patriotic thumbs up for being American. Two middle fingers for Asians getting beat down by the White man. Two full-time jobs and some housing for my people living on the beach. Sovereignty!!

Breach

Starring: Heavyweight actors Laura Linney and Chris Cooper (No, they're not fat. For once, I'm using this word to describe ability, not appearance.) Ryan Phillippe (Ex-Mr. Reese Witherspoon)

This movie was actually pretty good. I usually hate the whole government-conspiracy, government-espionage type movies, but I was pretty impressed with this movie. Of course, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back impressed me, too, so I don't know how much that comment's worth.

Anyway, the movie's about this old, soon-to-be retired FBI perv (Cooper) who this young, ambitious, soon-to-be FBI agent (Phillippe) has to keep an eye on to prove his worth. His boss (Linney) tells him that he'll be assigned as the old geezer's clerk, but really, he's there to check up on him and take notes. Supposedly, they suspect Cooper of being involved with the Russians and giving them U.S. top secret info. The fact that he's been working so long for the FBI and is considered one of their smartest intel agents makes matters worse. Phillippe is assigned to get the goods on him and try to bring him down. The dirty old man's also supposedly a "sexual deviant," selling homemade porn of himself and his wife doing the humpty-dumpty to interested buyers. To be honest, that part really seemed insignificant in the movie, but it caught my attention. Actually, maybe they needed it to contradict the disciplined, religious image he portrayed to everyone. Funny how sexual deviancy and religious fanaticism seem to go hand in hand.

At first, youngblood wonders why he's following Ron Jeremy around when the guy just seems like a grumpy old man who loves going to church. He knows his way around computers and he belittles Phillippe every chance he gets. You can tell the old man's paranoid, but it seems more like an OCD character flaw than proof of evildoing. Phillippe begins to question his boss and wonders aloud if they're just trying to give him a $hit assignment to keep the old guy and him out of everybody's hair at the Bureau and/or test him. Later, he finds out the truth.

This movie is good because of the acting and the suspense. The budding relationship between Phillippe and Cooper is where the movie makes its money. It's kinda like A Few Good Men where the action is in the intense acting. No special effects. No blowing people away. Well, maybe the wife. Actually, hardly any of that either. It's just a well-made movie with some superb acting about a time in our history that the U.S. government would rather forget. Oh yeah, forgot to tell you. This movie is based on a true story. Maybe I should've said that at the beginning. Well, at least they do, at the beginning of the movie. Like I said, it's a pretty good movie. If you like all that FBI-government stuff, it'll be even better for you. I give this movie two boys and a priest...

Evan Almighty

Hey, think fast! How many animals did Moses have on his ark? Think, think, think!!!

No, silly. Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did. Hardy har, har, har.

That's about how funny Evan Almighty is. It's not a terrible movie. Just a little too clean for my liking. This would be a perfect choice for Family Home Evening. No dirty jokes. No swearing. Nobody dies. Nobody ooofs. Just clean family fun. Whoopee!!

This is somehow the sequel to Bruce Almighty, the movie that had Jim Carey in it that no one watched. I think Jennifer Aniston may have been in it, too. Morgan Freeman's still in this one playing God. Wanda Sykes is in it. So is the chubby, funny, White afro kid from Superbad. Oh, and Deena said that one of the Gilmore Girls plays the wife of Evan, who's played by Steve Carrell.

So, here's the summary. Evan is a newly elected congressman who is told by God to build an ark like Noah. That's it. One of Evan's campaign promises was to "change the world," so I guess God felt that Evan ark building qualified as such. For the rest of the movie, Evan physically transforms into a modern-day Noah and actually builds an ark. He grows a beard, wears the old clothes (from God), and builds the ark in his backyard. He even attracts all the pairs of animals just like Ace Ventura did in his pet detective movies. Why is this funny? It's not. But obviously, someone thought that reenacting a biblical tale during the 21st century would be humorous.

As for the acting, Steve Carrell was okay. He was definitely much better in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. I think you gotta put the dorky, funny guy in raunchy movies to get that mismatched hilarious effect. Putting the clean comedian in the clean, Disneyish movie is just predictable and boring. Wanda Sykes was funny, as usual, when they showed her. Her voice and delivery always makes me laugh. Deena hates her. She's prejudiced. Just kidding. Morgan Freeman's performance was better than his Million Dollar Baby performance. Yeah, right.

Again, if you want a light, clean, family comedy to show your kids, than this is the safe pick. What is the key to changing the world? Doing one Act of Random Kindness at a time. Get it. Acts of Random Kindness. A.R.K. Ark. Yeah, apparently that was the moral of this story. Yup, that's the kind of movie it was. I give this movie two jackasses...

The Happening

Today, for the first time in a while without the kids, we saw a movie in the theater. Some QT with my cutie. We saw M. Night Shamalamabingbang's new one, The Happening.

First of all, let me preface this review by saying that I like this guy's movies. Even when it just bombs, I like his stuff. Like Lady in the Water, the lame adult fantasy fairy tale. I liked it. His movies, no matter how preposterous, always reel me in. It's like I know it's laughably ridiculous, but I still want to see what's coming next. I love the suspense. I love the build-up. It's almost like I want to test my own personal fear factor. I even like the violin music score which seems to be prevalent in all of his movies.

I think M's imagination and spirituality attracts me for some reason. It's like he addresses the "what if's" in this world, and puts his beliefs on film. Maybe I'm getting brainwashed by him or something. I think he just likes to think outside the box and is really trying to make sense of the senseless world around us. His critics are always blasting him, but can anyone follow up Sixth Sense? Come on! That's why everyone hates Kobe. He had to follow Jordan. Whoa, a little sidetracked there...

Anyway, if you haven't seen the preview 150 times, the movie's about this event or happening that's occurring in the northeast. People are becoming disoriented, stopping dead in their tracks, and then killing themselves for no apparent reason. In the chilling preview, they show all these people standing still, and then eerily dropping off buildings. And it's a whole mass group of people, too. The first 10 minutes of the movie sets up the creepy tone for the rest of it.

I like the way people die in M's movies. I know that's sick, but he has a way of doing it that's pretty horrifying, but genius. They always seem to die right in front of you. They always seem to die out in the open, all up close and personal. And they always take their time before they die, seemingly looking right at you through the camera before passing on. It's like they die alone doing something routine. One minute they'll be hanging clothes, and then, the next minute they'll hang themselves with the same clothesline. He doesn't do it in that nowadays Saw kinda gory, gratuitous blood spurting kinda way. You're not grossed out. You're creeped out 'cause you could see it happening in real life, and you feel like you're really there watching the person die. At least I do.

I'm not going to tell you any more because I don't want to ruin it. The movie's good. Marky Mark Wahlberg was good as the somewhat goofy Halfmannish Science teacher. You'll jump and maybe even laugh uncomfortably at some scary parts. It keeps your attention. It's riveting enough. It's not too long that you'll think you've wasted your time and money. Go with an open mind and you'll be fine. Go on a first date to this movie and she'll have an excuse to grab onto you...