Legend of the Guardians

Okay, I'm bored. Plus, I've seen some $hitty-a$$ movies lately, so it's time to blog about 'em, Jimmy P-style...

LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE OWLS OF GA'HOOLE - Whoa. Save your money, parents. Wait until your kids get older and just send them to Waipahu for a chicken fight. Same thing...

IRON MAN 2 - Pretty good sequel to the original until a TRANSFORMERS movie broke out without Megan Fox. Scarlett Johannson should've at least stripped or something...

MORE THAN A GAME - LeBron documentary. Liked it until we were all forced to watch the sequel where he decided to tell us in an excruciating hour how he was planning to go to Miami to get divorced from his wife soon...

THE STEPFATHER - My family should be afraid. You never know...

LAW ABIDING CITIZEN - Movie for guys who like movies. Extreme action and violence. My wife liked it, too. For one Scottish reason...

MY SISTER'S KEEPER - (Sniff) No...(sniff, sniff)...comment...(sniff, sniff, sniff)...

THE HANGOVER - Funny a$$ $hit!! Best comedy in awhile. That Korean dude stole the show. And the fat guy. And Mike Tyson...

THE BOX - "What's in the box??!!" (Use Brad Pitt SEVEN voice). Or watch SEVEN instead...

THIS IS IT - BLACK OR WHITE or even Asian, you're gonna love this movie!! A musical THRILLER like no other. MJ's a BAD man!! Even if he was trying to HEAL THE WORLD of child molestation by JAMming his DIRTY DIANA down some PYT's...

NINJA ASSASSIN - If Quentin Tarantino was Korean and directed THE MATRIX, this is what you would get...

THE LOVELY BONES - Better than the book...especially since I didn't read it...

THE BLIND SIDE - Kept thinking that Sandra Bullock's a$$ looked like J Lo's when it made its debut in SELENA. Great movie, nonetheless...

JENNIFER'S BODY - GREATEST...(Megan)...MOVIE...(Fox)...EVER...(is in)...MADE!!! (this)...

AVATAR - La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...I saw the SMURFS...

PRECIOUS - Black movies are hardcore. And I'm not talking about porn. Like a Tyler Perry movie on steroids. Mariah Carey acts better when she's ugly. Or maybe I just notice her acting more when she's not showing us her MUSIC BOX...

EDGE OF DARKNESS - What Mel wants to do to his wives...

UP IN THE AIR - All joking aside, excellent movie. If I were a critic, this is the one I'd recommend to seem smart...

THE BOOK OF ELI - Typical Denzel. Mila Kunis is clearly of age to take her clothes off now...

PERCY JACKSON: THE LIGHTNING THIEF - Poor man's HARRY POTTER. Flashbacked to learning Greek mythology at the greatest school in the world, THE KAMEHAMEHA SCHOOLS...

MOTHER - Weird enough that Blake and Pat would love this movie. Asians make creepy $hit. What's wrong with you yellow people?

KICK-ASS - Loved this movie. Especially the little girl. Inappropriate, yet clever. Give it a chance...

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE - Surprisingly better when you watch it with your boys in a secure heterosexual way. 80's references are priceless...

THE BOUNTY HUNTER - I liked it. Not great, but good enough. Anniston's getting old. Reminds me of our Disneyworld trip...

THE LAST SONG - Not bad. Watching it with your Wifey count as being romantic?

DATE NIGHT - Best short, light comedy I've seen in awhile. Must-rent if you're always busy. Great chemistry...

WHY DID I GET MARRIED, TOO? - Don't know why either. Nah, just kidding. Basic Tyler Perry formula...

CHLOE - Lesbian romp that my beautiful wife wanted to rent. Who am I to stop her?

THE KARATE KID - Japanese, Chinese...it don't matter to me. I love all girls...I mean, movies like this...


Break's almost over. Keep the balcony closed. See you at the movies...

The Princess and the Frog

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG - Kawai's Xmas gift pick. Disney affirmative action movie focusing on New Orleans instead of those lazy Hawaiians (LILO AND STITCH). Wasn't bad. Wasn't good either. At times, I felt like I was sitting and watching my Wifey play ball against all them Hickam Amazon sistahs, and all their husbands were cheering them on and speaking in a language unfamiliar to most non-Blacks. I felt like I was at a family barbecue...in POETIC JUSTICE. Hilarious stuff. Nah, in all seriousness, the movie was okay and had its moments, but I don't know how kids enjoyed it very much. Definitely, an original, more colorful (sorry) take on the original fairy tale story. Whatever you think this fairy tale should look like, just visualize it in a swamp with Lil' Wayne rapping, and you have this movie. Gotta give Disney credit for swinging for the fences on this one...

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKQUEL - Better than the above movie only because it made us laugh more. Felt like I've seen this before. Let me see...THREE STOOGES? No. Let me think...oh, I know. Reminds me of that one show where that bitchy blonde girl was left with 8 rugrats 'cause their Korean daddy needed to diddle the plastic surgeon's daughter. Aaden, Joel, and Collin. Yeah, that's it. What always amazes me is that no matter how irritating their voices are, the three-part harmony is perfect. My parents used to play the Chipmunks' Christmas album every year. Don't ask me why. I miss those days. This was Kahia's Xmas pick, so they both already used up their personalized Xmas coupons made by their hot, creative mommy. In the movie, they also introduced this new, all-girl chipmunk group called "Chippendales" or something like that. Trying to pile on the cutesy, I guess. Worked for Kahia. I think he was checking them out...


More movies coming. I know you can't wait...

A Perfect Getaway

IMAGINE THAT - Eddie Murphy at his Disney best. Funny how all the smart actors hit the family movies hard 'cause that's where the money is. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson seems to be doing it with a passion lately. Pu$$y. Just kidding. Imagine That was your basic cutesy, father-learns-to-spend-time-with-daughter movie that worked surprisingly well. The black girl was cute, so that helped. No, I'm not saying that black girls aren't cute. Stop being racist, you monkey! Eddie danced and sang his way through it and we got that usual Disney moral at the end of the story. Pretty good family movie. Clean, in fact. Can't believe he made RAW and DELIRIOUS...

EXTRACT - Dysfunctional comedy starring Ben Affleck, Mila Kunis, and Jason Bateman. Pretty amusing. We like this kinda offbeat movie, though. Mila Kunis is kinda growing on me. Or maybe something's just growing in my pants. I think the guy who did OFFICE SPACE did this, so however you felt about that is how you should judge this movie...

DISTRICT 9 - Holy $hit!! I usually don't like sci-fi movies like Deena's dad, but this one was the $hit! In fact, that might've been the most entertaining, well-made, original sci-fi movie I've ever seen! I can see why critics liked it. I can see why a lot of people flocked to watch it. Excellent movie. Thoughtful concept. We recommend it. Very, very interesting, to say the least. Definitely worth the time to watch it...

BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF - That Asianish IRON CHEF "Ala Cuisine!!" host was one of the main characters. That should have been a dead giveaway as to how good the movie was gonna be. The movie was quite long and in subtitles, so we were hoping for the best. Boy, were we disappointed. Payoff in the end was definitely not worth it. Kung Fu was weak. Special effects were ever worse. No food. The wolf seemed straight out of THE VILLAGE. Girl wasn't even cute. How dare they!! Don't know why it was rated so high by a lot of people. Maybe the French invaded all the reviews. Maybe Iron Chef has its influence everywhere...

A PERFECT GETAWAY - If you're on that one-movie plan, rent this movie! Okay, maybe not. Too much responsibility, if it bombs. But it won't. Seriously, one of the better movies we've seen in awhile. Plus, it was in Hawaii. A perfect beach thriller with all the right suspense, just enough humor, and even a fitting less-than-two-hours time duration on it. The less I tell you the better. Want to get away? Rent this movie!! We highly recommend this one for all you thriller-lovers...


Breaks over. Lingle sucks butchy a$$. Happy New Year!!

Angels and Demons

ANGELS AND DEMONS - Maybe we're just suckers for conspiracy and the provocative, but we liked this movie. All this historical fiction stuff seems believable enough to us. How can somebody just make ALL of this stuff up? Not to be all blasphemous, but isn't his stuff just like religion itself where the believers believe and the non-believers don't? About as good or better than the first Dan Brown-adapted movie. Kept our attention. Intriguing. Entertaining. Reading his new book now...

FUNNY PEOPLE - I'm beginning to think that Adam Sandler is smarter than he is goofy. I always like his movies. Well, for the most part. I actually think that he's a better actor than people give him credit for. His acting ability and charisma is what separates him from, say, Chris Rock. I find Leslie Mann (Apatow's wife) to be somewhat attractive. Yeah, I have a thing for smart, funny, attractive women. Check my wife. Seth Rogen was in this. Hilarious and endearing, as usual. And slimmer. Eric Bana was there for his accent and eye candy for the women. He was surprisingly pretty funny, too. That funny, fat White guy with the afro was in it, too. He's been everywhere lately. All in all, the usual Apatow formula. Dysfunction, raunch, humor, and heart. We like that mix. Probably live that mix...

OBSERVE AND REPORT - Seth Rogen and Anna Faris and her big t!tt!es. Couldn't help but notice them. I was a bit offended. Okay, not really. She sounds and looks like someone who works at our school. Hmmm... This movie was a kinda sick, dark comedy. And so, of course, I liked it. It was like PAUL BLART: MALL COP on steroids. The kinda movie where you can't believe they actually said "this and that" there or beat the $hit outta this person in that scene or threw in an over-the-top raunchy moment right in the middle of this scene. Obviously, unpredictability is my cup of tea, so I enjoyed this one. If you don't drink tea and only like to teabag, (hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr!) you might wanna stay clear of this one, though...

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2 - Sooooooo gooooooood that everyone fell asleep, except me. Interesting learning a little bit about history, but not as good as the first one. More known actors involved. I kinda like Amy Adams' acting. Some funny parts, but I can't see how this is a kids' movie. Probably why they fell asleep. Felt like I was watching TRANSFORMERS 2 where they busted out even more new characters to spice it up, but then the audience has too many people to keep track of, which actually waters down the movie a bit. Or maybe I'm just retarded. They sure could've used Megan Fox, though. Maybe as Cleopatra or Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. Just dropping some knowledge on you. That's how I roll...

THE COVE - This was a documentary about them sneaky Nips who actually have a secret cove in a small, out-in-the-boonies town where they slaughter dolphins by the thousands (not exaggerating) to make money for their country. Crazy disturbing to the point where you're wondering how they get away with this $hit. This one Flipper dude has been trying for years to put a stop to this madness to no avail. Greed makes people turn the other way, I guess. One of the better documentaries I've seen in awhile. Those sneaky Nips. Better check your Genki Sushi...


Pretty good movies this time around. Gotta make use of my Furlough Fridays...

New Moon

THE UGLY TRUTH - My kinda movie. Romantic comedy that brutally talks about relationship truths. Men are from Mars, Girls are from their anus. We really enjoyed this one. Katherine Heigl is attractive in a whole-package kinda way. Gerard Butler is one cool dude. He's like the White Will Smith. His character was classic. Similar to HITCH now that I think of it. Kinda. Although the movie's pretty predictable, the ride's still pretty entertaining and fun. Great date movie. Great date with the Wifey...

BRUNO - Like BORAT, but believe it or not, more crudeness and awkwardly funny sex scenes. The guy's a genius. Really pushes the envelope of comedy. Gotta really wonder how real it is. Basically, fun to watch because the joke's really on the people that are actually in the movie. Found myself cracking up throughout. How does he not get his a$$ kicked?

STAR TREK - This ain't yo Daddy's Star Trek!! Really? But, did you see STAR WARS? Then, you've seen this movie, too...

NEW MOON - First of all, the movie wasn't that bad. Was it as good as the first one? About the same, I guess. Menage a trois romance gift-wrapped in some bestiality action. Entertaining enough, I suppose. What I couldn't stand about the movie was the cheesy, breathy dialogue. You know when actors try doing that sexy voice all breathing down each other's necks like that's supposed to project passion and restraint all rolled into one? I find that ridiculously funny most of the time. Who talks like that? They don't even do that in porn. Or so I've heard. Every scene with that slut and either guy reminded me of every Queen Amidala/Anakin Skywalker scene in ATTACK OF THE CLONES. The writer should be shot. Also, the Cullens' dad looks like Corey Feldman and Tom Cruise's love child. And also, my wife's a perv for checking out that underaged lupine. And furthermore, the real appeal of the TWILIGHT series is that all girls want to have two guys at the same time. And finally, a Mormon had to write these books 'cause only they could understand the yearning and longing associated with not ooofing and the implications of polygamy...

DISTRICT B13 - Some ignorant, illiterate guy who works with delinquents at our school recommended this to me and it was surprisingly pretty damn good. I was impressed. And, the movie wasn't that long either. If you took Matt Damon from the BOURNE series and taught him some Jackie Chan street stunts, you'd get an idea of the stylized action in this film. Amazing stuff. Felt like I was watching ONG BAK with French guys in it. Even the story was pretty original. Could see them really doing this kinda sketchy stuff in the future. They should do it now. Drop a bomb on certain areas to save everybody else. It was like a kung fu movie with no Asians. I guess it was like a better Steven Seagal movie with graceful runners...


Wow. Been watching some damn good movies lately. Think I got Netflix all figured out. Gotta keep 'em coming. That's what she said...

Where the Wild Things Are

G.I. JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA - This movie sucked some major a$$!! And now that you know, knowing is half the battle. Don't watch this $hitty-a$$ movie. I don't think I've ever seen a blockbuster movie this bad. At least TRANSFORMERS 2 had Megan Fox to save it...

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE - This movie was...well, let's say, "different". I liked it. Deena loooooovvvvved it. The kids were laughing AND crying throughout. Pretty interesting movie. I've never read the kids book, so I can't compare, but the movie was entertaining, deep, and somewhat strange. The only negative parts were in the middle where I couldn't figure out where the story was going or what lesson they were trying to teach the kids. In fact, this is where I was kinda disturbed because there were so many kids in attendance. I wouldn't necessarily classify this as a kids movie. Too deep. Too violent, at times. A lot of wild, misbehaving going on. Check the title. The furry animals appeal to little kids and the heartwarming story will make them cry, but the journey might be a little too much for their little brains to wrap around. Nevertheless, everybody liked it. They damn well better for the price we paid to watch it in the theaters...

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 - Alas, an excellent, caperish, thriller movie. Two accomplished actors. Intriguing plot. Add NY as the backdrop. Mix. Stir. Shake. Blend. Everybody goes home happy. Does Denzel ever make a bad movie? Wifey liked Travolta's bad-boy look. He should thank Quentin Tarantino for his career. Have you ever seen Denzel's wife? Seriously, rent this one. Solid, entertaining movie...

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY - $hhhhhhiiiiiiiiiittttttt!!!! Hey, why don't you guys all give me $7, and then, I'll take it, wipe my a$$ with it, rip it up, and flush it down the toilet. Sorry, guys. My bad. Thought it would be scarier. Thought it would be more entertaining. Thought you guys wouldn't get sick. I didn't know this was a comedy. I've been more afraid walking outside to take out the trash at night. I've been more afraid waking up in the middle of the night to take a piss. I've been more afraid going to work each day dealing with stupid kids. I think the real, scary thing is how much money this guy made taking his homemade video to the big screen...

IP MAN - Great movie. Wow. Hard to breathe life into an overdone genre, but this movie succeeds in doing so. Thanks, Leish! Excellent fighting sequences. I felt like Steven Seagal crashed some Wing Chun party, but thankfully didn't run. Threw in some Sino-Japanese history in the second half. Do the Chinese have an inferiority complex? Bruce Lee always had to kick some Nip a$$ in his movies, too, right? Donnie Yen is like the Rajon Rondo of Chinese martial artists. No matter what, can't break into the top three or four. This movie was so good, I'd watch it again. Got any more like that, Leish?


They should make a movie on how stupid kids are nowadays. They should make a movie on the deterioration of society and how the world is going to $hit. They should make a movie on how kids feel entitled, and how they feel we don't help them at all because we expect them to actually do things for themselves once in awhile. Lezzie Lingle should star in it and they can start filming in my classroom on Furlough Fridays...

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN - Cue Megan Fox. Bend over. Show some cleavage. Bat your eyelashes. Lick your lips. Use your sexy voice. Toss your hair around. Toss your salad. And...have some heavy machinery run and explode around her. Good enough for me...

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE - I liked this movie. Something about seeing superheroes fight and learning a little about their background always gets my attention. If only Megan Fox could've been in it...

ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS - Watched this with Lil' Miss Kawai. (Kahia was too busy UFC-fighting his mom about his homework.) She was laughing throughout. And telling me she's feeling like she's watching the movie all alone because, heaven forbid, I DON'T like to talk while I'm busy trying to WATCH a movie. Like the other Ice Age movies were, this one was good and cutesy, too. Watch it with Kawai's narration, and it'll seem a little funnier, too...

ASTRO BOY - Date with Kawai. Other than the fact that she liked the movie, this movie was terrible. Felt like I was watching a space-age PINNOCHIO. Or an animated A.I. Must be spoiled with too many Pixar flicks. Ice Age might've spoiled me, too. On a side note, Kawai had to go to the bathroom three times in five minutes at the theater 'cause she's a liar-liar-pants-on-fire...

HALLOWEEN - Yup, the original. Watched it on, yup, Halloween. Didn't seem as scary as when I was younger. Didn't watch the whole thing 'till now. Sure had a lot of teenagers trying to ooof in this one. Except Jamie Lee Curtis. That's where they went wrong. Believe it or not, wouldn't mind watching all the Halloween's eventually...


Check out all the colon'd movies above. What a coincidence. Probably need a colonoscopy on my next birthday. What a coincidence...