Wall*E

Johnny 5 is alive! Waaall*Eeee!! Come on, you know you wanna say it in your computerized Mr. Roboto voice. Try it. Waaall*Eeee!!

So we saw Wall*E with the kids today. Gotta love those Pixar nerds. Have they made a flop yet? Those guys are pure geniuses. Been throwing around that label a lot lately. Gotta make sure I use it sparingly. Can't help it though. It is what it is.

As you might have guessed, the movie was just grrrreat. Honestly, in the middle, I got a little bored, but the beginning, ending, and overall feel of the movie made up for it. Sometimes, you just gotta wonder. How do people come up with this creative $hit? Cutesy movie. Funny jokes for the kids and adults. Unreal computer graphics. Really, those Pixar guys can do no wrong. Again, pure genius.

The movie's about Wall*E, this cleaning robot, whose primary job is to cleanse the Earth of all its trash. The humans have left Earth and gone into space to, well...find more space to live in. The world is just crap. Literally. It takes place in the future where humans are extremely lazy because of the convenience that technology offers. Somehow, Wall*E ends up the only robot left on Earth. To sum it up, the 1st third of the movie should be called "I Am Short Circuit."

The middle part of the movie finds Wall*E on the human mothership. All the humans are there living in the lap of luxury with all these specialized robots at their beck and call. This part I will call "Short Circuit Wars" because it reminded me of all the stormtroopers, R2D2, and C3PO when they were on that big a$$ Darth Vader ship running around. For some reason, I got bored during this part. It felt a little drawn out to me. I don't know why.

Throughout the movie, they have a little "Sleepless in Short Circuitry" going on 'cause there's a cute love affair between Wall*E and this other hottie robot. They even have the comparable old movie flick that the main characters longingly watch just like in Sleepless in Seattle. This is the cutesy, touchy-feely part of the movie that draws you in and makes you care about this Johnny 5 knockoff. That and the whole save the Earth theme permeating throughout.

One other thing of note. The movie hardly has any dialogue. They're robots, so there's a lot of beeps, whirs, whistles, and the sound your computer makes when it starts up. Deena and I would look at each other and laugh every time Wall*E rebooted and made that sound. You'll see. No subtitles either. This ain't no Crouching Tiger, Hidden Short Circuit. Parents get to see if their child's progressing normally and picking up on non-verbal cues.

The ending of the movie made it all worth it. I'm not going to spoil it for you. Hilarious and heartwarming with a message to us Humanoids. Pixar has done it again. Great movie...

A Penis and a Wheelchair Fight

Two dramatic, but funny clips from Born on the 4th of July.

Born on the 4th of July

We're taking it back to the old school. Tom Cruise style.

This is an Oliver Stone war flick about a small-town USA kid, Ronnie Kovic (Cruise), who grows up to serve in the Vietnam War. It follows his life from small-kid time all the way 'till after the war. He grew up in the Kennedy-Nixon era, where Americans were supposed to serve their country, and everyone seemed to be worshipping God like good ol' Christians.

Basically, he's the All-American boy. He goes all out in everything. He does the right thing. He's the oldest in the family. He even wrestles for his high school. He's the chosen one in his family, destined for great things.

Influenced by the patriotic climate of his era, he ends up joining the Marines right out of high school. This leads him to the frontlines of the Vietnam War, where he ends up experiencing two things that would change his life forever. You can watch the movie and see for yourself. Later, he ends up getting shot and is paralyzed beneath the waist.

When he comes home from the war, he deals with all the real struggles of a Vietnam vet. This is the part of the movie that really makes you think. Ronnie finally begins to question the government and their participation in the Vietnam War. He feels like he went over there and fought for nothing.

I suppose many vets watch this movie and cringe. My dad is a Vietnam vet and he hardly ever talks about it. It seems kinda surreal. It's easy to think of it as a part of US history, not someone's personal history. We all just pretty much leave it alone, but it must be difficult for anyone who has served to repress their memories and experiences. To be honest, it never really comes up. Of course, my dad's a strong-minded guy though.

Lately, I've been thinking about the "truth" about things. Like the Vietnam War. Were they really trying to stop Communism? Most people think the war was bull$hit, but how come so many Americans fell for it. It makes me think of now and the reason why we're sending all those soldiers to Iraq. I'm beginning to think that America was built on bull$hit. We're just bullies and no one says $hit 'cause we all benefit from the bullying. Maybe I'm the one talking some bull$hit, but really, what if? We just go around the world taking what we want, and now, the rest of the world is tired of getting beat up, so they're fighting back, and all of our resources are getting blocked off. Why are gas prices so high? Hmmmm... Where the hell is Osama? Hmmm... 9/11? Organized religion? Don't even want to go there, but it makes you wonder, huh. Well, maybe it's just me being crazy.

Sorry to get all deep on you, but the movie was good in that Oscar-Best-Picture-you-gotta-be-in-the-mood kinda way. I can see why the critics liked this movie. I don't know how much you'll like this movie, especially if you don't have 2 hours and 24 minutes to spare. My Baby was taking a well-deserved nap, so I knew I had some time. It was either this or some porn that would last me only two minutes anyway. Two patriotic thumbs up for being American. Two middle fingers for Asians getting beat down by the White man. Two full-time jobs and some housing for my people living on the beach. Sovereignty!!

Breach

Starring: Heavyweight actors Laura Linney and Chris Cooper (No, they're not fat. For once, I'm using this word to describe ability, not appearance.) Ryan Phillippe (Ex-Mr. Reese Witherspoon)

This movie was actually pretty good. I usually hate the whole government-conspiracy, government-espionage type movies, but I was pretty impressed with this movie. Of course, Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back impressed me, too, so I don't know how much that comment's worth.

Anyway, the movie's about this old, soon-to-be retired FBI perv (Cooper) who this young, ambitious, soon-to-be FBI agent (Phillippe) has to keep an eye on to prove his worth. His boss (Linney) tells him that he'll be assigned as the old geezer's clerk, but really, he's there to check up on him and take notes. Supposedly, they suspect Cooper of being involved with the Russians and giving them U.S. top secret info. The fact that he's been working so long for the FBI and is considered one of their smartest intel agents makes matters worse. Phillippe is assigned to get the goods on him and try to bring him down. The dirty old man's also supposedly a "sexual deviant," selling homemade porn of himself and his wife doing the humpty-dumpty to interested buyers. To be honest, that part really seemed insignificant in the movie, but it caught my attention. Actually, maybe they needed it to contradict the disciplined, religious image he portrayed to everyone. Funny how sexual deviancy and religious fanaticism seem to go hand in hand.

At first, youngblood wonders why he's following Ron Jeremy around when the guy just seems like a grumpy old man who loves going to church. He knows his way around computers and he belittles Phillippe every chance he gets. You can tell the old man's paranoid, but it seems more like an OCD character flaw than proof of evildoing. Phillippe begins to question his boss and wonders aloud if they're just trying to give him a $hit assignment to keep the old guy and him out of everybody's hair at the Bureau and/or test him. Later, he finds out the truth.

This movie is good because of the acting and the suspense. The budding relationship between Phillippe and Cooper is where the movie makes its money. It's kinda like A Few Good Men where the action is in the intense acting. No special effects. No blowing people away. Well, maybe the wife. Actually, hardly any of that either. It's just a well-made movie with some superb acting about a time in our history that the U.S. government would rather forget. Oh yeah, forgot to tell you. This movie is based on a true story. Maybe I should've said that at the beginning. Well, at least they do, at the beginning of the movie. Like I said, it's a pretty good movie. If you like all that FBI-government stuff, it'll be even better for you. I give this movie two boys and a priest...

Evan Almighty

Hey, think fast! How many animals did Moses have on his ark? Think, think, think!!!

No, silly. Moses didn't have an ark, Noah did. Hardy har, har, har.

That's about how funny Evan Almighty is. It's not a terrible movie. Just a little too clean for my liking. This would be a perfect choice for Family Home Evening. No dirty jokes. No swearing. Nobody dies. Nobody ooofs. Just clean family fun. Whoopee!!

This is somehow the sequel to Bruce Almighty, the movie that had Jim Carey in it that no one watched. I think Jennifer Aniston may have been in it, too. Morgan Freeman's still in this one playing God. Wanda Sykes is in it. So is the chubby, funny, White afro kid from Superbad. Oh, and Deena said that one of the Gilmore Girls plays the wife of Evan, who's played by Steve Carrell.

So, here's the summary. Evan is a newly elected congressman who is told by God to build an ark like Noah. That's it. One of Evan's campaign promises was to "change the world," so I guess God felt that Evan ark building qualified as such. For the rest of the movie, Evan physically transforms into a modern-day Noah and actually builds an ark. He grows a beard, wears the old clothes (from God), and builds the ark in his backyard. He even attracts all the pairs of animals just like Ace Ventura did in his pet detective movies. Why is this funny? It's not. But obviously, someone thought that reenacting a biblical tale during the 21st century would be humorous.

As for the acting, Steve Carrell was okay. He was definitely much better in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. I think you gotta put the dorky, funny guy in raunchy movies to get that mismatched hilarious effect. Putting the clean comedian in the clean, Disneyish movie is just predictable and boring. Wanda Sykes was funny, as usual, when they showed her. Her voice and delivery always makes me laugh. Deena hates her. She's prejudiced. Just kidding. Morgan Freeman's performance was better than his Million Dollar Baby performance. Yeah, right.

Again, if you want a light, clean, family comedy to show your kids, than this is the safe pick. What is the key to changing the world? Doing one Act of Random Kindness at a time. Get it. Acts of Random Kindness. A.R.K. Ark. Yeah, apparently that was the moral of this story. Yup, that's the kind of movie it was. I give this movie two jackasses...

The Happening

Today, for the first time in a while without the kids, we saw a movie in the theater. Some QT with my cutie. We saw M. Night Shamalamabingbang's new one, The Happening.

First of all, let me preface this review by saying that I like this guy's movies. Even when it just bombs, I like his stuff. Like Lady in the Water, the lame adult fantasy fairy tale. I liked it. His movies, no matter how preposterous, always reel me in. It's like I know it's laughably ridiculous, but I still want to see what's coming next. I love the suspense. I love the build-up. It's almost like I want to test my own personal fear factor. I even like the violin music score which seems to be prevalent in all of his movies.

I think M's imagination and spirituality attracts me for some reason. It's like he addresses the "what if's" in this world, and puts his beliefs on film. Maybe I'm getting brainwashed by him or something. I think he just likes to think outside the box and is really trying to make sense of the senseless world around us. His critics are always blasting him, but can anyone follow up Sixth Sense? Come on! That's why everyone hates Kobe. He had to follow Jordan. Whoa, a little sidetracked there...

Anyway, if you haven't seen the preview 150 times, the movie's about this event or happening that's occurring in the northeast. People are becoming disoriented, stopping dead in their tracks, and then killing themselves for no apparent reason. In the chilling preview, they show all these people standing still, and then eerily dropping off buildings. And it's a whole mass group of people, too. The first 10 minutes of the movie sets up the creepy tone for the rest of it.

I like the way people die in M's movies. I know that's sick, but he has a way of doing it that's pretty horrifying, but genius. They always seem to die right in front of you. They always seem to die out in the open, all up close and personal. And they always take their time before they die, seemingly looking right at you through the camera before passing on. It's like they die alone doing something routine. One minute they'll be hanging clothes, and then, the next minute they'll hang themselves with the same clothesline. He doesn't do it in that nowadays Saw kinda gory, gratuitous blood spurting kinda way. You're not grossed out. You're creeped out 'cause you could see it happening in real life, and you feel like you're really there watching the person die. At least I do.

I'm not going to tell you any more because I don't want to ruin it. The movie's good. Marky Mark Wahlberg was good as the somewhat goofy Halfmannish Science teacher. You'll jump and maybe even laugh uncomfortably at some scary parts. It keeps your attention. It's riveting enough. It's not too long that you'll think you've wasted your time and money. Go with an open mind and you'll be fine. Go on a first date to this movie and she'll have an excuse to grab onto you...

Georgia Rule

Today's movie pick brought to you by my soulmate, lest any of you think I'm getting soft.

First of all, let me just say, right off the bat, that this movie was not bad at all. It was actually pretty good for a chick flick. I think girls and you overly sensitive men will even shed a few tears. I expected it to totally suck because Lindsay Lohan's in it, but I guess I forgot to separate her personal life from her professional life. She did an excellent job. She's actually a pretty good actress for an alcoholic. She even looks pretty hot now that she's legal.

The movie was basically about three generations of women. Lindsay Lohan, the mom (the Desperate Housewife that you don't know), and the grandma (Jane Fonda). Lohan's the stereotypical wild child, the mom's an alky, and the grandma dishes out tough love. Lohan has to stay at grandma Georgia's for the summer as punishment, and because her mom was trying to take a break from her. Throughout the movie you get to see how each one acts out because of issues unresolved between them. Lindsay acts out 'cause Mommy's always paying attention to the bottle and stepdaddy's making her drink from his bottle. The mom acts out because grandpa died and granny was always strict with all these rules (hence, the title) and didn't show her love. It's just a relationshippy movie that keeps it real and makes you realize how lucky you may be because your family may not be as dysfunctional. It makes you realize that unresolved parent issues can manifest itself in your child having worse issues. If you can't love yourself, you won't be able to show love to others. Or in the case of the stepfather, loving your daughter too much will turn her into a whore.

What I also liked about the movie was that it took place in Idaho, which for those of you not in the know, means that there are a lot of potatoes and Mormons lying around. Well, the Mormons only lie around on Sunday, the Sabbath day, the day of rest, but you get the picture. Little Mormon humor there. Anyway, not to be all blasphemous, but having the Mormon theme throughout the movie actually made it funnier. True church-going Mormons wouldn't find any of it funny at all, but JackMormons might appreciate the humor.

Like there's this one scene where Lindsay "tempts" this virgin guy right before he goes on his two-year mission. He freaks out and feels the need to confess to his Molly Mormon girlfriend about what happened. Pretty funny. And then, there's a scene where all these Mormon girls are spying on Lindsay 'cause she's a Jezebel, and she ends up telling them to stop following her or else she'll "f@ck their boyfriends stupid." I thought that was pretty classic.

Anyway, all in all, I liked the movie. If you ever want to earn points with your girl and fake like you're in touch with your feminine side, pick this movie. At the very least, you can watch Lindsay Lohan shake what God gave her in various antiChrist outfits. I give this movie two wives...

Jungle Fever

Here's the clip all you pervs have been waiting for. Rerun & the MILF from Code Name: Cleaner. It's supposed to be funny, but I know your flag's at half-staff. They should've made this part into the movie trailer...

Code Name: Cleaner

Okay, I know what you're thinking. How can someone waste so much time watching movies? Worse yet, how can someone waste so much of their precious time watching $hitty-a$$ movies? Well, I can sum it all up for you in two words: SUMMER BREAK. Or how 'bout this: NO LIFE. Wait, one more: I CAN.

Some people like to read. I like to watch movies. And I'm not watching it in that Roger Ebert kinda analytical way. I just do it to wind down and relax. Purely for entertainment purposes. Sometimes, I'll watch an award-winning drama like Million Dollar Baby. Sometimes, I'll watch a real stinkbomb like Strictly Ballroom. Sometimes, I just want to be silly and laugh, so I'll watch Blades of Glory. Sometimes, I'll even watch a crappy movie that I know I'm going to hate just because a certain actor/actress is in it and I want to see them either bomb badly or get naked. For example, all of Jessica Alba's movies.

Whatever the case may be, I somehow stumbled upon this piece of crap. It was pretty bad. I saw the previews and immediately knew that it would just suck a$$, but I guess when it comes down to it, I couldn't resist mainland Asian hottie Lucy Liu and that Desperate Housewife MILF Nicollette Sheridan. I don't know, maybe I just thought that they would somehow break into a rug munching scene right in the middle of the movie or something. Cedric the Entertainer was the main guy in it, so you know it was a comedy.

Let me give you the rundown. This movie was like a poor man's Long Kiss Goodnight. It was like Memento without the "Me". Cedric the Entertainer wakes up next to a dead body, doesn't know who he is, and spends the rest of the movie trying to piece everything together. Lucy Liu helps him. Desperate Housewife is trying to get something from him. Trust me, it's pretty lame. Some mildly funny parts here and there. The running joke is that Cedric thinks that he's a special ops "cleaner" that cleans up after the government's mess, but he's actually a real janitor that cleans up bathrooms. See, not a funny premise at all.

But a thought did pop into my head as I was watching. Why is it that some comedians are hilarious on stage or on TV, but not even remotely funny in their movies? Ever notice that? For example, Chris Rock. He's the first one that comes to mind. His movies suck. Cedric the Entertainer is another one. It's like they try to force their comedy routine and jokes into their movie character's dialogue. Kinda like what Seinfeld would do on his sitcom, except that he would do it on purpose.

And then you have those rare geniuses who can actually pull it off on stage, on sitcoms, and on the big screen. Eddie Murphy's the man. I'd have to say Adam Sandler's pretty successful, too. You would think that if you make a living being funny, you wouldn't have any problem being funny anywhere, but evidently that's not always the case. I'm beginning to think that it's all in the acting. Funny comedian + good actor = superstar. Funny comedian + terrible actor = unfunny talk show host (Jay Leno, Andy Bumatai, and soon to be Jimmy Fallon).

I was going to post a clip with cougar Nicollette Sheridan shaking her a$$ in lingerie, but I think I've talked too much already. You guys can go rent your own Desperate Housewives DVD's and knock yourself out...

Notes on a Scandal

Hooollllly Crappers!! Have I got the movie for you sick people out there.

Ever watch a movie, and as you're walking out of the theater, you have this sick, creepy feeling that just lingers and bothers you the entire drive home?

When I was going to church, I remember watching the movie "Seven" and walking out of the theater all overwhelmed with guilt like this pure form of evil had somehow penetrated my defenses and made it's way into my precious soul and immaculate mind. I had fallen to temptation. I was somehow attracted to this movie even though it was blatantly gruesome with it's graphic violence, blood, and gore. I really felt sick to my stomach. Now, of course, it's one of my favorite movies of all time, but at the time, it really kind of disturbed me.

Flash forward to now. I kinda had that same nauseous feeling about Notes on a Scandal. It's not that the movie was bloody or anything like that. In fact, far from it. It was the type of character-study movie that makes your moral compass go haywire.

Let me give you the brief summary. This old, lonely hag (Judi Dench) of a teacher works at this private school for problem kids. She's like that strict, bitchy teacher that everyone hates, but respects. It's an English movie, so I had to get used to the accents. At the beginning of the movie, she describes each member of her staff by railing on them explicitly. She uses big words coupled with her English accent, so it's pretty funny hearing the putdowns. I imagine that when GT students get into fights, that's how they verbally abuse each other. Anyway, she's like the judgmental fossil whose $hit doesn't stink who has access to the skeletons in everyone's closet.

Okay, so what happens next is that a new, really green teacher (Cate Blanchett) joins the school and granny befriends her for some reason. It's an odd mix because no one really hangs out with the old hag, and EVERYONE wants to get close to pretty Cate Blanchett, but they somehow choose each other. Then, in the middle of the movie, something happens that changes the dynamics of their friendship. This is where the fun starts. I'm not going to tell you what it is, but let's just say that the granny teacher catches Cate doing something that she shouldn't be doing. She then, basically, goes on to bribe Cate throughout the rest of the movie for her own personal reasons which I also won't disclose because I don't want to spoil it for you. Sounds boring? It's not. Especially if you're a teacher. Or a mother. Or a single, lonely, bitter person.

This movie is so f@cked-up that you have to go see it for yourself. It's one of those movies where you wonder how people can be so evil, but then realize that there are, unfortunately, people that have been or are doing these things regularly. They should've called it Predator 3. Or Fatal Attraction 2. It's almost like you're disturbed by such a movie, but even more disturbed because it could really happen. It makes you a little afraid. It makes you question human nature. It makes you wonder if evil lurks just around the corner within people. It makes you realize that anyone is capable of anything given the right (or wrong) circumstances. Personally, I give this movie two middle fingers...

Motherf@ckin' Samuel L. Jackson

Check out this muthaf@ckin' clip from that muthaf@cker, Samuel L. Jackson, in that muthaf@ckin' movie "Snakes on a Plane."

Snakes on a Plane

Guess what this movie was about?

Man, what a letdown. It's not like I was expecting this movie to be good or anything, but I just didn't expect it to be so bad. Samuel Jackson's been stinking it up lately. And he got "Jumper" coming out. What's going on with him?

But really, though. I've watched a lot of crappy movies in my life, especially the ones that "Indie" Blake Ebert recommends, but this movie takes the cake. It was really bad. Just horrible. It was so bad, I kinda wanted to keep watching it just so that I could laugh and wait for what was coming next. Terrible story. Terrible special effects. Terrible acting. Terrible everything. Sometimes you gotta wonder what makes certain actors do certain movies. I know Samuel Jackson does a whole buttload of movies, but he could've easily passed on this one.

It was so cheesy that they actually had the snakes bite a girl's ta-tas and a guy's schlong, and they actually had a scene where the snake was crawling up this local-looking aunty's dress and she was getting all turned on. Did I mention that the movie took place on a plane that was flying from Honolulu to LA? Yup. Shame.

But the clincher was when Samuel Jackson, in his trademark yelling voice said, "Enough is enough. I have had it with these motherf@ckin' snakes on this motherf@ckin' plane! Everybody strap in! I'm about to open some f@ckin' windows!" Had to laugh at that one. That's going down as one of the best quotes of all time in a $hitty movie.

I bet this movie is going to be one of those goofy cult classics. I'm telling you. Don't watch this movie...unless you liked "Strictly Ballroom"...

Smokin' Aces

Okay, so because I'm pretty much bored out of my mind, and have no life, I decided to start a new movie review blog. Now obviously, if my taste in movies is not the same as yours, you're probably going to find this crap pretty useless. I'll promise you this much though...it should be entertaining.

Sooooo, here it goes.

I'll start with this movie since I just saw it like two days ago. Let me tell you. IT WAS AWESOME!!! Girls might hate this type of movie, but it's the perfect shoot-'em-up, guy's guy movie. I love action movies, and this was the best one I've seen in awhile.

It's basically about this Vegas magician dude who gets too close to the mafia and ends up on everyone's $hit list. Because he's somewhat connected to the mafia, he has valuable info that they don't want to get out. On the other hand, the FBI wants to protect him to get access to this same info. So, EVERYONE is going after this guy. The FBI AND all these mercenaries 'cause there's a million dollar price tag on his head. The mercenaries are all competing to get to him first, and the FBI are trying to get to him before he dies.

The beauty of this movie is the raw, explicit dialogue, and the over-the-top, colorful characters. Alicia Keys, Ben Affleck, Ryan Reynolds, Common, Matthew Fox (Jack from Lost), Andy Garcia, Ray Liotta, and Jeremy Piven are just some of the cast members.

The action never stops, and they just shoot the hell out of each other and the Vegas hotel. I found myself saying out loud, "HOLY $HIT!!" every 5 minutes. I don't know, but I guess because I like Vegas so much, whenever a movie takes place there, I end up liking it. I just like all the neon lights and the surrealism of it all. I also like watching the strip 'cause I know I've been there many times.

Trust me, guys. You'll love this movie. Anybody ever see "Running Scared" with Paul Walker in it? Or "Shoot 'Em Up" with Clive Owens? It's similar to those movies with about 10 times more violence and crazy dialogue. I give it about 18 opposable thumbs up...