Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Gotta admit, I got this short-and-sweet movie review style by copping it from the one and only, James Patterson. Besides, haven't had time to $hit my thoughts on paper (or this blog) like I usually do. Anyway, a couple of reviews for your enjoyment...


ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO - Directed by Kevin Smith. The original. Judd Apatow, you clone! Anyway, good mixture of raunch sauce and love juice. Seth Rogen was hilarious as usual. Don't be expecting porn. But you can expect the porn dialogue. Like real life, once they had sex, the movie went downhill. Anticlimactic, if you know what I mean. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr! Definitely a d!ck flick...or for girls who watch porn "for the story..."

THE LAZARUS PROJECT - Paul Walker. For my wife. Thought I could pass it off as foreplay, but even his smoldering presence couldn't save this train wreck of a movie. Dumbest movie I've seen in awhile. The least they could've done was let Jessica Alba stroll through the movie with a bikini on...searching for underwater treasure. Now that would've been a grrrrreeeeeaaaaaat movie!!

MY BLOODY VALENTINE - BOO!!!!! What a $hitty movie!! Could tell it was meant to be 3D 'cause objects would inexplicably be launched outward towards the screen. How many different ways can you kill someone with a pick axe? Not even scary. The Valentine's theme was sketchy at best. Don't you hate when the twist at the end has something to do with withheld information? "Ah, yeah...Booboo was the killer 'cause he (apparently) has Tourette's and his mom tries to keep him out of class so he doesn't have to do homework..." Huh? What? Hah? You mean you didn't see it coming...


I'm on a $hitty movie streak. Nah, but we got two best picture nominees, so it can only get better. Isn't Netflix the $hit?!! Bye, bye, Blockbuster...

Recent Movies

More short-and-sweet movie reviews:


THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES - Chick flick...with a taste of honey. Boatloads of Black people and awkward-aged Dakota Fanning. You get to see how huge Alicia Keys' a$$ really is. Actually, not a bad movie if you have possession of this unnecessary thing called "emotions."

THE UNINVITED - Talk about overrated. Not the least bit scary. The story is played out and overdone. They tried a little M. Night Shamalamabingbang at the end, but it was pretty weak. The preview was actually better than the movie.

DRILLBIT TAYLOR - Light, bully movie with some heart. Owen Wilson was his normal kinda funny self. For some reason, I like Leslie Mann (Judd Apatow's wife). She's funny and kinda hot all rolled into one. Movie kinda drifted in and out, but it was okay. The kinda movie to watch just to take a break from life. Kinda used the word "kinda" too much.

THE WRESTLER - Pick of the litter. Intriguing character study about a washed-up WWF-type wrestler (Mickey Rourke) in love with an over-the-hill stripper (Marisa Tomei). Thought I was watching a documentary on Hulk Hogan. You actually find yourself sympathizing with the guy. Rourke was surprisingly convincing. Tomei was MILFishly delicious. Like dramas? Rent this one.

TAKEN - Thanks, Leish. Liked the concept. Liked the fighting. Couldn't get over the hump with old, saggy Liam Neeson easily kicking everyone's a$$. Plus, his Qui-Gon Jinn/Aslan voice spewing out Confucius' sayings before and after each beatdown was killing me. Remember that TV show THE EQUALIZER? That's what I kept thinking of.

THE SOLOIST - Great acting. Great true story. Great classical music. Thought I would like this movie more. We didn't. Jamie Foxx's stream of consciousness reminded me of Lil' Wayne's "A Milli." Downey Jr. cracks me up even when he's not trying to be funny. It's unfair that someone can be as talented as Jamie Foxx. I bet it was really him playing Yo Mama-like cello.


Alright. See you soon. Don't buy $4.50 hot dogs unless your wife is grouchy...