The Dark Knight

Holy f@ck, Batman!!

Before I give you my rave review, let's hear what others had to say about this movie:

"This movie was, like, the BEST movie, like, EVER! I wouldn't consider this movie a superhero movie. I wouldn't even consider it an action movie. It was just an overall, excellent, well-made crime caper. When you see a work of art, you just wanna watch it over and over and over...kinda like watching my well-toned a$$..." - THomas "Buns of Steel" K.

"I be like a true Batman fan, you know. I be watchin' dat $hit back in the day when dey had all dem cheesy sound effex. Bam! Ka-pow!! You know dat $hit, right? So I wuz lovin' dat movie, boy! Let me tell ya...and dat Joker??!! Whoooooooeeeeeeyyyy!! Dat boooey deserve an Oscar or 40 oz or sum'n sum'n!!" - LWeb, co-teacher

"A true dick flick. Action-packed and entertaining, but not moving. I'd rather watch P.S. I Love You..." - D Teezee, dick flicker

"Thith movie wath, perhapth, the greateth thingle thing ever made thinth thlithed bread. The Joker's voith and mannerithimths reminded me of my huthband. My huthbandth's bringing thexy back! And tho ith thith new Batman movie. Outthanding!! Thintilating!! Batman can thurely kick Thupermanth's ath!!" - ??????

And there you have it, folks. Everyone's agreed. Batman is the movie pick of the summer.

Here's what I think:

Great acting (Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Heath Ledger, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Michael Caine, Aaron Eckhart, Gary Oldman...) Tons of kick-ass action and cool Batman gadgets for the guys. Heath Ledger for the girls. (Ooooh, I can imagine the latest, creepy role-playing going on in bedrooms everywhere...) Great, dark setting. The Batcycle. Christopher Nolan should get more credit for making Memento and reviving the Batman movies. The Joker was (if you haven't, for some reason, heard the hype yet) truly AWESOME.

I heard some people say that the movie might be a little long, but I was engaged the entire way. I had to really take a piss afterwards, but I was thoroughly entertained. Maybe you can bring a bottle or just piss in your popcorn bucket after you've eaten it all. Then, just leave it in the theaters. Don't feel guilty. That's what they get for robbing us every time we buy a movie ticket and their overpriced snacks.

I'm not going to reveal any of the plot because this post is becoming too long, and it's better if you just go and see it. This movie was definitely the best movie I've seen this summer. Near-perfect. A tiny smidge above Wall*E. I give this movie BAM! two more sequels KA-POW!! and no mention of Alicia Silverstone playing Fatgirl...

The Shining

Taking it back to the 80's with this horror classic. Or was it just a cult classic?

The Shining, starring Jack Nicholson, is a movie about a family who stays in this isolated pre-Kobe raping Colorado hotel.

Jack's a former teacher/present author who gets a hotel job partly 'cause he got fired from his former profession and was a little desperate for work, and fittingly, because it offers him some money, time, and solitude to work on his new novel. His son, Danny, is clairvoyant. He has the "shine," and can talk to others with this shine, hence, the movie title, The Shining. Danny sees bad things happening in the hotel that freak out his mom and 'causes her to accuse Jack of some past sins. Jack's wife/Danny's mom, Wendy, is just a terrible, whiny, no-name actress whose job is to provoke Jack to act all crazy throughout the movie.

Jack's job is to take care of the hotel during the vacant months when winter is so bad, no one can get to and from the hotel. His family is along for the ride. No one else is there. Their isolation provides the perfect setting for this weird movie.

Before I go on, let me just say that I liked Jack as usual, but didn't really get the movie. I mean, it was definitely creepy primarily 'cause of the irritating soundtrack and the robotic acting, but it was also a bit confusing.

I couldn't tell throughout the movie if Jack was in real life, flashbacks, or just dreaming. Then, when I thought he was just hallucinating, something would happen to him physically that would change my mind. Can ghosts physically harm people? Is the story about him or someone else? It also didn't help that the kid was communicating with every little creepy thing in the movie and saying, "Red rum! Red rum!!" a million times in that "I see dead people" voice. He was actually the scariest character in the movie to me. More so than Jack.

Again, maybe somebody can explain the movie to me 'cause I just kept trying to make sense of it and came up empty every time. Felt like I was watching Vanilla Sky and Mulholland Drive simultaneously while suffering a migraine. Nah, not that bad, but we were both pretty confused. I know this movie is supposed to be good, and it has a lot of quotable dialogue, but I thought it was alright. It did set the mood in terms of being scary-creepy and all, but I guess when you watch an 80's movie now, some stuff are going to seem cheesy. Deena was scared $hitless. I just wanted the movie to speed up and get scarier.

If you want to be semi-creeped-out and need a dose of Jack, then this movie might be right up your alley. If not, watch something else. If you can recommend a great horror movie to us, better yet. We really like spooky movies, but can never find one that makes us Hershey squirt in our shorts nowadays...

Little Children

Before I review this movie, let me preface it by saying that my Baby and I are, for some reason, attracted to movies that have dysfunctional characters. Now that I think of it, you guys probably know why we're attracted to these types of movies. Shut the f@ck up! Don't say it! Let's move on.

This movie is about dysfunctional suburbanites. That's it. Cut and dried. You get to observe 4 people's lives play out and intertwine and affect all the other "innocent" people in seemingly perfect suburbia. I guess I'm always attracted to these movies because of the graphic "realness" that it portrays. It always makes me think that behind every friendly smile, firm handshake, or perfect-looking family lurks a bunch of skeletons dying to come out of the closet. I don't know if you can be a lurking, dying skeleton, but ignoring the accuracy of my f@cked-up idiom, you know what I mean.

Kate Winslett plays the young, unhappily-married mom who takes care of her daughter more out of a sense of duty than love. Her husband's addicted to work and porn. There's the "prom king" who's unhappily-married to Jennifer Connelly (how is that possible?) and takes care of their son full-time because he refuses to grow up and put any effort into passing the bar exam. There's an ex-cop guy who's removed from the force because of one bad decision. And finally, there's the required child molester/sexual pervert character that any movie about dysfunction must have played by, of all people, the kick-a$$, rebel kid from the original Bad News Bears movie.

I think Kate Winslett got nominated for an Oscar for her role, and as I was watching her ooof crazily in the movie, I wondered why people are so down on her. Remember when Titanic came out and everybody and their mother was talking about how she was such a fatty? I don't think she's fat. I think she has a normal, healthy body. I mean, she's not hot or anything, but she's definitely not fugly either. Funny thing is, the more naked she got, the more I was able to recognize her strengths. Why can't we all just focus on her acting abilities like I do with Jessica Alba? You shallow bastards! More substance, less style.

Anyway, we thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It was definitely engaging in a way that American Beauty kinda kept your attention. Maybe when I see these weird characters on film, I start feeling better about myself. Maybe I start to feel more forgiving of people 'cause you never know what drove people to be how they are. Maybe there are no bad people, just bad, $hitty-a$$ decisions.

Watch this movie. The critics liked it, and so did Beautiful and I. This is the kinda movie where when you watch it, you kinda feel more like an adult and you know, a little more intelligent because you actually watched it instead of Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.

Good movie. Really. Unless you find yourself being disturbed by dysfunction in all its glory. I give this movie two Michael Jacksons and an R. Kelly...

The Bucket List

Right off the bat, let me just say that this movie was really good. Or maybe I just like to judge movies by how much Deena cries. Like "P.S. I Love You," the critics, for some reason, ripped on this movie, but we really liked it. I guess when you have Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson in the same movie, expectations are going to be running pretty high.

The movie is about these two guys at the end of their lives who become terminally ill. They meet each other at the hospital that Jack owns because they're actually side-by-side in the same room receiving their treatments.

Morgan is the everyman that's married, has kids and grandkids, but worked hard as a mechanic every single day of his life to provide for his family. Been married to the same woman, and has never been with another woman. A lot of dreams unfulfilled or at least put on hold because he was too busy raising a family.

Jack is the stereotypical rich guy who has tons of money, but no wife and several failed marriages. You find out later in the movie that he has a daughter, but he somehow f@cks up that relationship, too. He plays the usual over-the-top Jack character that's self-indulgent, rude, and obnoxious, but funny. Is it me, or does he get all those Oscar nominations playing himself all the time?

The pair make for quite a contrast. They find out they're going to die, so they make a bucket list, which is basically, a list of things you always wanted to do before you kick the bucket. Then, they leave the hospital together and set out to do every single outlandish thing on their list. You'll see what they do. That's the fun, entertaining part of the movie.

By the ending of the movie, they learn more about each other and, of course, about themselves. The audience is along for the ride, and we begin to reflect on our own impending death and crummy, boring, regretful lives. Do you live every day like it's your last? Would you, if you knew your own due date? Would you even want to know? They also provide plenty of the inevitable religious questions. Do you believe in God? The afterlife? Again, maybe a cause for some self-reflection on the audience's part.

A little formulaic, I suppose, but when you have two heavyweights going at it in a movie, can the movie be really that bad? I liked it. Deena definitely loved it. With all the emotions flying around, it might even be considered a male bonding chick flick, if that's possible. Seize the day, and go ahead and watch this movie. My Baby highly recommends it. Machismo aside, I do, too. I guarantee the guys will like it better than Brokeback Mountain. Not that I've seen that movie or anything...

Blood Diamond

I just saw Blood Diamond tonight amidst the plethora of firecracker noise coming from our neighborhood. Actually, the noise wasn't that bad. You should see my mom them's house. West side!!

The movie, starring Leo DiCaprio, Djimon Hounsou, and in-again, out-again hottie Jennifer Connelly, is about the diamond trade in South Africa. I'm pretty sure that this kinda f@cked-up $hit goes on in Africa right now, but I'm local, so what the hell do I know or care. They didn't give the whole "based on a true story" line, but I'm sure it's based on reality. Or maybe at least Michael Moore reality, whatever you believe that to be.

Leo's the White diamond smuggler, Djimon's the Black fisherman, and Connelly's just there to even up the hotness score for the guys. Okay, so she's some kind of journalist.

Here's the gist of the movie. Diamond "fields" are located in Africa. Americans (and other rich countries) buy diamonds because women are shallow and materialistic and need a big-a$$ diamond ring before they choose to love us unconditionally. In order to get these diamonds, rich countries trade weapons to these poor countries to aid these countries in their civil wars. Rebels who want to fight against their government will enslave their own people to search for these diamonds to gain weapons and the upper hand to overtake the government. Many people die in the wars from these weapons. Many people die slaving over these diamonds that insecure women desperately need as a symbol of our love and commitment. Many people are killing their own race of people. Hence, the movie title. Actually, I really shouldn't be making cracks about this stuff...

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Well, I guess your best friend is a mass murderer, and you're an accessory to murder. That's why they call jewelry "accessories". Holy $hit!! Man, sometimes I even amaze myself with my wit. Flashes of brilliance. It happens a lot. Few more times and I'll proclaim myself a genius.

Anyway, Djimon's son gets kidnapped and forced to soldier for the rebels. Djimon himself is forced to work in the diamond fields. He finds a huge-a$$ pink diamond, and buries it in the hills. Leo plays the con-artist/soldier/diamond smuggler guy who crosses paths with Djimon and offers to "help" him reunite with his family and get the hell out of that $hithole. They actually end up really needing each other. Connelly is there to report all the corruption that goes on in the diamond trade and she finds Leo 'cause he's known as THE diamond guy. She's trying to gather proof and expose a certain diamond company's flaws. "Flaws," get it. Clever, right. It just flows naturally. I can't stop it.

Okay, I'm gonna stop right there. Watch the movie. You won't regret it. This movie has everything. It's entertaining, educational, and critically acclaimed. It has graphic Rambo violence, heart-wrenching drama, and kids doing crazy $hit that's guaranteed to disturb you. It has Leo, Djimon, and Jennifer performing for Oscar. Well, maybe not Jennifer. She's performing for your Johnson. You can't go wrong. Even the soundtrack's good. I highly recommend this movie for deep guys and shallow girls. I give this movie two karats. Bling, bling...

White Men Can't Jump

Whoa, this movie was AWESOME, dude!!

Too bad I've seen it a long time ago, so no retro-reviewing...

I'm here for only one thing:

JOE-JOE, CHECK OUT MY OTHER BLOG!! IT'S OKAY NOW!! JESSICA ALBA THE JEZEBEL ANTICHRIST HAS BEEN EXORCISED TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL!!

For real, Josephina, I changed it just for you so that you wouldn't have to yield to temptation...