Shiver

Starring: a bunch of Spanish people

SHIVER is this subtitled Spanish movie about this photophobic boy and his mom (and later, his part-time dad) who move to another town to start a new life and get less sun 'cause the boy's genetic disorder is getting worse. He was getting picked on in his hometown anyway, so it was time to leave the sun and the a$$holes.

In his new town, the bullying starts all over again. They pick on him like he's the new freak kid. On top of all that, he goes in the woods one day with two other boys, one of 'em ends up dying, and he gets blamed. Throughout the movie, weird things keep happening in the forest, people turn up dead, and he somehow becomes the scapegoat. Talk about a $hitty life.

Something is going on in the forest. Think THE VILLAGE, but only cheesier and less scary. We thought the movie was okay. Luckily, I didn't have to play pee pee duty or move to the outside of the bed. Wasn't all that scary. Even when you finally find out what's going on, it's not all that satisfying. They tried to throw in a little twist to explain everything, but again, nothing spectacular. I'd have to rate this movie on the bottom of our Roku'd horror movies.

Skip this movie. Unless you're trying to brush up on your high school Spanish. The least they could've done was show some naked Spanish girls. But alas, they did not. I give this movie two doses of Spanish Fly and an urban legend consisting of a mamacita and the stick shift in your car. Either that or two tacos for 99 cents at your local Jack in a Crack. Depends whether or not you think Spanish and Mexican are the same thing...