Gran Torino

Starring: Clint Eastwood and a bunch of Gooks

First and foremost, let me just say that this was a good movie. Great movie, even. But, awesome? I don't know about that. We thought it may have been a tiny bit overhyped. We liked it though, nonetheless. We'd put it up there with SEVEN POUNDS.

GRAN TORINO is about this grisly, grumpy, pretty-much-racist Korean War vet who lives among Hmong people. He actually lives alone in his house since his wife died and his kids and grandkids just ignore him, unless they want something from him, but the Asians have surrounded him and taken over the neighborhood. The usual gangs and no-manners kids permeate the neighborhood and he literally growls at the deterioration of society. All he wants is a clean lawn and everyone to stay off of it.

The movie starts slow, but then gets entertaining as Walt (Eastwood) befriends this helpless kid next door who's being bullied by his cousins. Soon, everyone realizes that behind his gruff exterior lies a heart of gold. He teaches the boy to be a man and mingles with the boy's sister and family. Trouble lurks behind the Great yellow Wall though. That's all I'll reveal.

Let's just say that the heart of the movie is in its over-the-top, racist, but funny dialogue. Eastwood spews it out like someone who's been really thinking it his whole life. We were dying listening to him. His raspy, Christian-Bale-as-THE-DARK-KNIGHT delivery was cracking us up. If you watch the credits at the end, you'll hear him singing, I think. Sounded like him.

Also, you get to see DIRTY HARRY reborn with his tough attitude whupping some wanksta a$$. Don't mess with this septuagenarian!! Eastwood can act. That guy's a legend. Who Hmong us can act? Nobody. The brother/sister soy sauce combo were killing me, but then I just pretended I was watching a kung fu movie and it was fine.

I've never really heard of Hmongs until I watched this movie. Learn something new every day. The girl in the movie was cracking me up with her sass. Eastwood's interaction with her and her brother were priceless.

As for the Gran Torino, you'll find out. Definitely go watch this movie. It's kinda like MILLION DOLLAR BABY where you like the acting and the story, but may find it slow if drama is not your thing. Great movie. I don't know if it was meant to be a comedy, but we were laughing throughout. I give this movie two yellow, slant-eyed, rice-packing, algebra-studying Gooks trying to reach an old, shriveled, saggy, diaper-wearing, 'aina-stealing, cracker White guy...

Eagle Eye

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Billy Bob Thornton, Rosario Dawson, the bald guy from the SHIELD, this black guy from some black movie that I'm sure my wife likes

EAGLE EYE was a pretty damn good movie. I was impressed. Think ENEMY OF THE STATE, THE NET, and/or WAR GAMES mixed together with a lot of steroids. The entire movie was action-packed and filled with suspense. I don't think I've seen this kind of edge-of-your-seat, non-stop action in a while. Didn't pump the brakes at all.

Eagle Eye is about a twin slacker and a single mother who somehow get forced into terrorist-like mini-missions by this anonymous female phone caller. She can see their every move and can, with the help of our convenient little technology devices, pretty much control their lives. Man versus machine(s), to say the very least.

Shia and Monaghan are running for their lives and running from the law. Their connection to all this madness is revealed later, so I won't talk about it here. I will say that Rosario Dawson is the sexiest lizard that I've ever laid eyes on. She's another one who hides her "kids" well. I kept expecting Billy Bob to go all BAD SANTA on someone. He's a good actor. And he ooofed Angelina.

Shia has the X-factor. Has he made a bad movie? Talk about luck, opportunity, and talent all lining up at the same time. That guy's got it good. He plays the everyman-slacker-who-has-to-battle-his-way-out-of-an-impossible-situation well. Check his movies. Is that his appeal? I always seem to like his movies.

Great guy movie. Technology and action. It was almost like a Bruckheimer movie. Why is it that in every action movie, if there's a guy and a girl, they have to hook up? Action sequences create sexual chemistry? I hate that. Except for that, excellent action movie. I give it two iPods with 22X more "gibs" than mine taking over our lives...

Get Smart

Starring: Too many people to name, but mainly the Rock, Steve Carell, and buxom Anne Hathaway

GET SMART is a remake of the classic TV series. They should've left it on the small screen. I hated it then. Not much more to like now. Even with everybody and their mother in the cast.

Steve Carell plays the likable screw-up well. The Rock played the ladies' man agent. Hathaway was the sexy agent. LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE's gramps was the agents' chief. The Asian HEROES dude played some geek in the agents' office. I think even James Caan was in here as the President of the US. Bill Murray was in here. Puddy from SEINFELD, too.

Anyway, Maxwell Smart did his usual, clumsy agent work, while mixing in some timely brilliance. It was kinda funny. Carell had his usual share of one-liners. They should've at least let Anne Hathaway show her grenades like they did in BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. She gotta be less Jennifer Love-Hewitt and more Angelina Jolie. Gotta flaunt it when you got it.

Get Smart is what you would get if you combined any James Bond movie with THE PINK PANTHER. Who the hell wants to see that? I guess I was dumb enough to watch it.

Not good at all. Not terrible, but just extremely uninteresting. A light movie to maybe show tweener kids. Maybe Kahia and Kawai would've liked it if they were a little older. I give this movie two juggs of milk dying to come out of the fridge...

Saw V

Okay, I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to review this movie without giving up anything, but here goes nothing...

The only person worth mentioning that's in this movie is Meagan Good. And lately, she hasn't been showing us the goods. I don't know what happened to her. She used to be kinda hot. Ever since THE GURU, she's been looking kinda frumpy. What's going on?

SAW V is about trying to figure out who the hell else was helping the Jigsaw kill people. Yeah, believe it or not, he's still causing chaos, even though he died in SAW IV, and someone is still helping him carry out his gruesome torture puzzles.

Who is it? How'd they do it? How does this all fit together? Who gives a flying f@ck?

Apparently, we do. What I really love about the Saw series is the sadistic creativity. How do they come up with this evil, demented $hit? What if people start copying? Could they? You gotta admit, as f@cked-up as Jigsaw is, he gives them a choice to live. He gives them a chance. He's like Kevin Spacey in SEVEN. And anyway, aren't all his victims bad guys? Not saying anyone deserves this, but maybe they do. Am I f@cked-up?

You get to see more torture. You get to see more sick, but creative puzzles. You get to see how the Saw movies are all connected. You get to realize that you can't remember what the hell you saw in the previous Saw movies anyway. Blood, gore, and puzzles. It's like porn seeing the same thing over and over, but wanting more. Not that I watch porn. That's what I've heard.

I personally liked this movie. So did my lovely wife. It's kinda cool waiting on the next puzzle and seeing if they'll make it out alive or not. Or maybe we have this terrible desire to see someone get tortured. What's this fascination with blood and gore?

Pretty good movie. Better than all them FRIDAY THE 13TH movies. I give this movie two high heels to your nads and a Ginsu to your Johnson...

Dan in Real Life

Starring: Steve Carell, that girl from CHOCOLAT, that lesbian lover of Ross's ex-wife in FRIENDS, and Dane Cook

Okay, I finally saw a movie that I didn't particularly like. The critics liked it. Wifey liked it and somehow managed to cry again. I was kind of irritated by it for some reason. And that's while dying laughing during a couple of parts.

DAN IN REAL LIFE is about this widower dad and his three daughters and their kooky, near-Mormon family (they play board games and have talent shows). Dan and the girls spend time with his fam, and on an innocent break-from-the-kids-drive to the library, he meets and falls for this wonderful girl...who actually ends up being his brother's (Dane Cook's) girlfriend.

And it's not just one way either. Supposedly, there's a "connection" there. But she, like most women, toys with him and stays alongside the bro even though she flirts with Dan out of sight from the fam. Why would a girl do that? Because she can. Power of the pu$$y. This drives Dan crazy as he gets blue balls.

The only time when the girl has problems with this "vibe" between them is when...SURPRISE!...Dan takes another hotter-than-her girl on a date and she feels replaced. Irreplaceable? To the left, to the left, everything you own in the box to the left...

So why didn't I like this movie? I'll tell you. First of all, I didn't think the girl was as wonderful and amazing as Dan, the bro, and the fam thought. They were all gaga over her. Especially Dan's kids. They tried to make her character the all-world traveling, well-versed in every topic Bohemian girl who could play football with the boys and shake her moneymaker while doing yoga. It didn't work for me. That girl from CHOCOLAT? Come on! Just 'cause she gave Johnny Depp a taste of her chocolate truffle?

Also, I didn't feel the chemistry between the two of them. Like I know what I'm talking about. Just my opinion. Dane Cook was funny when he was singing. Otherwise, he was kind of unfunny. Carell was his usual, dorky, funny self, but you didn't feel like he was a writer, which he was. The movie title is his newspaper column's title. He just seemed like he was hated on by his kids. How'd you like to be with three girls? Only in a hotel. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr!

I didn't like it. If you're a fan of Carell, this might be the movie. Otherwise, watch his other stuff. I give this movie two crusty, cobwebbed 40 YEAR OLD VIRGINs...

Meet the Browns

Another Tyler Perry classic.

MEET THE BROWNS is an emotional movie about a single mom (are all Black moms single?) and her stereotypical struggles to raise her three children the right way. She has to go to a funeral in Georgia for her own dad that she hardly knew so that we can meet the crazy Brown family. And are they ever crazy.

This is the part of the movie where we get to meet Leroy Brown, a colorful character not unlike Madea that is part of the Tyler Perry world. He supposedly slept with Madea. He's just as crazy, dresses like a Filipino, and says all the wrong words in the wrong places like our 'ukulele teacher. He was funny as hell.

Rick Fox is in the movie playing a former NBA player who got divorced from his wife. Hmmm... Angela Bassett plays the struggling single mom. Is it me or does Bassett always look like she can kick some deadbeat dad a$$ if she really wanted to?

Apparently, the Brown family was unaware that their daddy had another daughter (Bassett), so when she shows up at their home with her kids, they don't know who the hell she is. Kooky as they are, she (and us, the viewers) realize(s) that your family is there to support you whenever you need them. She also learns that guys are only charming when they want to get in your pants. Just kidding. But not really.

Again, Perry gets us all riled up by showing us some scenes with Bassett and the a$$hole father of one of her kids. That muthaf@cker is cold as ice. Be prepared to yell at the screen. Maybe even throw something. Beautiful was crying throughout the movie. You moms are gonna feel that $hit.

Great movie. I'd put it third or even fourth among his movies. Yeah, we've seen them all. Not at the theaters though. Too dangerous. Might get shot. I give this movie two kids being well-taken care of by their beautiful mama...

The Holiday

Wow. Gotta admit. This movie was. Pretty. Damn. Good.

Why I think chicks dig this chick flick:

1) They all fantasize about going to a foreign land and being swept off their feet by some local speaking and doing much more in his native tongue.

2) They all fantasize that that guy will be Jude Law.

3) Every girl's had a one-night stand or wants to, but won't admit to either one.

4) Girls are suckers for newfound love. (Translation: If girls played in the NBA, they would lead the league in rebounds.)

5) Girls always want to be where they're not.

6) All girls have fallen for that one guy (or five) that they shouldn't have and can relate to Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet.

7) Did I mention that they all fantasize about Jude Law?


Not bad at all. I'm beginning to think that Kate Winslet is a pretty damn good actress. She makes good movies. And, for some reason, always seems to be ooofing in them. Not this movie though. Jack Black has the X-factor. Not good looking, but attractive somehow. Not that I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I give this movie two-night stands in a foreign land with Jude Law as your man, wham, bam, thank you, ma'am...

The Family That Preys

Before I say anything else, let me just say that Tyler Perry is a genius. That guy's movies takes you on an emotional Magic Mountain roller coaster ride. And after puking, you wanna go back and ride it again.

THE FAMILY THAT PREYS stars Sanaa Lathan, Robin Givens, Kathy Bates, and some other Black people probably well-known to other Black people. This movie was the shizzle, my nizzle!

I have to admit that lately, Tyler Perry's recent releases haven't been that great, but this one was on point, yo! I'd have to place it second behind DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN.

Perry's movies always seem to have that perfect dark blend of sassy comedy, deep religious spirituality, and that one too-real emotional scene that makes you go, "Damn!!" Or at least that's what I imagine all the Black people yelling at the theaters. It always deals with heart-wrenching family or relationship problems. The kind that we all may have, but don't want to talk about. Perry brings it to light in all his movies and that's why his movies are so emotional and passionate and well-received. He keeps it real!

This movie is about a rich White family and a blue-collar Black family and how they survive in their respective worlds. You get to see the differences in their cultures, but you also get to see their striking similarities. We're all just trying to survive. We all have problems. I'm actually having problems explaining what this movie is about. All I can say is that it was damn good!! One of the better movies I've seen in awhile.

The characters in this movie were pretty fascinating. You had the wealthy, live-life-to-the-fullest, cold, but really caring mom (Bates). You had the giving, straight-laced, religious mom. You had the cold-blooded, arrogant, womanizing son. You had the condescending, snobby, sleep-her-way-to-the-top wife (Lathan). You had two hard-working husbands. You had the scorned wife. You had that hooker from HUSTLE & FLOW.

Like all his movies, the characters are trying to deal with life the best way they know how. Some are doing it the right way. Some are f@cking up. You get to yell at the screen. You feel what the characters feel. The righteous prevail at the end. The sinners get what they deserve.

Excellent movie. I highly recommend it. Makes you appreciate your own family. Or at least, reflect on your own. I give this movie two "What the f@ck?"s and a "Good for that bitch!!"...

Appaloosa

Starring: Ed Harris (director), Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, Jeremy Irons

APPALOOSA is a cowboy movie about two "guns for hire" (Viggo and Harris) who have to rid the town of some outlaw played by Jeremy Irons. Not exactly an original Western concept, but it works nonetheless. Our heroes have been doing this for quite awhile, so they actually have no problems apprehending our villain. Only one thing could possibly screw them up...

Yup, you guessed it. THEIR D!CKS! Pu$$y tends to screw up d!cks, or rather, get screwed BY d!cks. Anytime there's a woman around, things go awry. Renee Zellweger comes into the movie and shakes her a$$ around and before you know it, Ed and Viggo take their eye off the prize. Or rather, they have their eyes on the wrong prize. Depends on your point of view.

Nah, this movie doesn't show any explicit sex. In fact, it hardly shows any kissing. But we know what's going down. Ed Harris, that is.

Anyway, the beauty of this movie lies within the wonderful acting abilities of the cast. Check the credits above. In particular, Ed Harris is the main stallion of the herd, but his character is a bit illiterate, and a simple man who knows his job well, but can't figure out women. Viggo is Robin to Ed's Batman, and seems a bit satisfied with that role because of the respect he has for his buddy. Irons plays the villain well, a role he seems to live and breathe in real life. Zellweger succeeds in being the sophisticated tramp, irritating as hell.

I think the critics liked this movie. I thought it was not bad. Hard to compare with not many Westerns being showed nowadays. 3:10 TO YUMA was much better.

I give this movie two not so YOUNG GUNS trying to bring an unrepentant, UNFORGIVEN man to justice when THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY happen as soon as a LADY AND THE TRAMP show up...

Stop-Loss

Starring: Mr. Ex-Witherspoon and some average White dude who was in some average dance movie (my wife knows his name)...

STOP-LOSS is about this young decorated war hero who returns home after his tour of duty in Iraq only to be ordered to get his a$$ back out there even though he was about to retire from the army. This unfortunately common practice is called "Stop-Loss." My wife gave her Balderdash definition: "It's when they're stopping the loss of good soldiers leaving the military..." Sounds good to me.

Anyway, Phillippe goes AWOL as he tries to find a way around this bull$hit. Again, this really happens to soldiers in real life. Imagine having survived a war only to be told to go out and try your luck again. Proud to be an American and fight for your country? I don't know about that. You can count me and Eric Watada out.

The movie also portrays the traumatizing side of the war as soldiers try to function in the real world when they get back home. It's some startling stuff. Makes you sympathize with our soldiers if you didn't already.

I usually don't like war movies, but this one was not bad. Graphic war violence at the beginning. Sympathetic drama at the end. Not bad at all. I give this movie and all the soldiers fighting for our country two salutes...

The Cooler

This may very well be the last movie of the break...

Starring: William H. Macy, Alec Baldwin, that guy from OFFICE SPACE, and even one-fifth of NSYNC...sorry, not Justin Timberlake.

THE COOLER is a movie about this guy who works at a Las Vegas casino whose sole job is to "cool down" gamblers on a roll. How does he do this? He simply goes to their table or slot machine and stands there. Yup, the premise is that he's such a loser, his loser-ness rubs off on people. Apparently, this may have been an old school Vegas casino practice.

William H. Macy plays the loser and his boss and only friend is played by Alec Baldwin. Baldwin's boss methods are also old school. He rules with some old-fashioned Vegas physicality. He disturbingly beats on people. He seems to be fighting his own demons.

The movie gets interesting when Macy's about to retire. You get to see the inner workings of an old Fremont-style casino and see Macy's luck turn as he meets his very own Lady Luck. All of a sudden, he can't do his job effectively. This puts his boss/friend in an awkward position.

This is a character-study type movie. Surprisingly, I'm liking these types of movies lately. You can only watch so many popcorn movies. Once in awhile, I gotta get all deep on you. That's what she said.

Any movie in Vegas always draws me in, but in contrast to the bright lights of the strip, the down-and-out, depressing characters also intrigued me. This stark contrast between Vegas mirage and real people is what gives this movie a unique feel. It's like eating chocolate pretzels. What??

Anyway, good movie. Do I ever watch any bad movies? How can that be? I give this movie two more round-trip tickets to Viva Las Vegas to renew our vows every year...

Traitor

Starring: Underrated Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, and some White dude who my wife just loves from that TV series BOOMTOWN and the Rock movie, WALKING TALL

TRAITOR is an excellent movie about this Muslim American ex-military special ops guy (Cheadle) who hangs out with terrorists. They all love him and just think he's the bomb. Hardy, har, har, har!

As the FBI tries to figure out where the next bomb is going to drop, the rest of us have to figure out where Cheadle's loyalties lie. Very intriguing $hit. Some action. A little suspense. Cheadle's excellent acting performance. Only thing missing was some hot girls. Maybe you can't be Muslim and hot. They'd cover your face anyway.

Usually, I can't stand this type of military intelligence/ government conspiracy bull$hit, but Cheadle's acting and the action made it bearable. It also kinda gave you a moral theme to think about which appealed to your moral compass. Makes you wonder about the state of the world and all them crazy wars going on. Makes you think about America and how we really are in relation to the rest of the world. Are we the victims of terrorism? Or are we the ones who need a PBS lesson in bullying?

Good drama. Good movie. Beats all the mindless stuff I've been watching lately. I give this movie two bombs to blow up that wannabe firecracker a$$hole terrorizing our neighborhood...

The Heartbreak Kid

Starring: the underrated Ben Stiller, his vulgar dad in real-life, Carlos Mencia, that hilarious FOOT FIST WAY guy, Michelle Monaghan, and an all-too-brief cameo by Eva Longoria.

I don't know who played Stiller's wife, but that poor man's Cameron Diaz was funny as hell!

THE HEARTBREAK KID is about a guy who falls in love, gets married, and quickly finds out that his wife is not the perfect girl that he first met, but is really crazy as $hit. Not exactly an original concept. Any guy with a video camera could film this movie in his own home. Just kidding...

Anyway, while on his honeymoon, he meets another girl and is convinced that she's the one for him. Is this guy a member of a Mormon singles' ward? Just kidding...

Ben Stiller's great at playing the everyman in awkward relationship situations. My wife noticed that his hair is starting to gray. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY, MEET THE PARENTS, ALONG CAME POLLY. This guy has got that role down. I didn't expect this movie to have so much quasi-ooofing. Like I said, that chick "nailed" the part. Hardy, har, har, har!

I didn't know until the credits that the Farrelly Brothers made this movie. No wonder it was so funny. You know, raunchy humor with heart. Judd Apatow has stolen everyone's thunder lately, so I didn't know it was them. Man, Apatow stole Kevin Smith's thunder, too.

Excellent, light comedy. Ben Stiller's funny as usual. Pu$$y crushing. I liked it. I highly recommend this movie as a date movie. Short on time and enough glimpses of sex that could pass as foreplay.

I give this movie two marriages...'nuff said...no comment...awkward...bye...

Escape to Witch Mountain

That's right. We're taking it back to the old school. Pre-school maybe even...

Starring: Kawai...narrating the movie every 30 seconds..."That man is nice, yeah, mom?" "The kids have powers, right, mom?"


ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN is about these two foster kids who have a vague recollection of their parents and, for some reason, have these extraordinary powers (telepathy, telekinesis, annoying harmonica playing), both of which they're trying to figure out the origin of. Basically, they're trying to figure out their way home...wherever that may be. Along the way, some rich men looking to abuse their powers are chasing after them.

I missed seeing this movie when I was a kid. I wanted to see it. I think the main problem was we didn't have a Betamax. OR maybe there weren't any around yet. Thank goodness for DVRs today.

Except for the 70's special effects, this movie was as good as I thought it would be. Especially for kids. I'm pretty sure Da Lil' Manongs enjoyed it. If they could hear any of it through Kawai's talking. This is one of Mami's all time favorite kid movies.

Good Disney movie. Good clean, family fun. Like Sunset at the Beach without drunk, homeless people. I give this movie two kids who have the ability to mess with my head and move things around the house without putting it back...

FYI, I heard the remake is going to feature the Rock. Yup, got me ear to the cinemas...

Timber Falls

Okay, remember, we're on that cult horror buzz...

Starring: Who the f@ck knows? Some white people.

TIMBER FALLS is this movie about a hiker couple that end up in the wrong place forced to serve the wishes of this f@cked-up religious fanatic old couple. Part HOSTEL. Part SAW. Part THE HILLS HAVE EYES. Be ready for lots of blood and gore.

You had your torture scenes. You had your severing of body parts. You had your prerequisite ooofing in the tent while camping scene. This movie had it all!!

Believe it or not, we both enjoyed this movie. Beautiful was scared as usual. I got off on the extremity of them cutting off extremities. It was pretty funny in a way. You gotta go in with a certain attitude to watch these kinds of movies. You can't be critiquing every scene expecting some Academy Award winning performance or scene. You gotta watch it for what it's worth: pure-blooded entertainment.

For a horror B-movie, I thought it was pretty good. Beautiful liked it as well. So much so that she actually watched it last night by herself while I fell asleep. I ended up watching it this morning while she's snoozing now. If you like movies where you don't have to think and there's blood flying everywhere for no damn reason, this is the flick for you. I think I'm getting immune to all this cult horror lame-acting-lame-story stuff. Scary.

I give this movie two people ooofing in a tent at TIMBER FALLS rather than at BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN...not that there's anything wrong with that...(Seinfeld reference #69)

The House Bunny

Starring: Anna Faris and a whole bunch of Playmates. Bruce Willis's daughter was in here. So was Tom Hanks' son. So was that American Idol Katharine McPhee girl.

THE HOUSE BUNNY is about this foster girl who somehow ends up living at the Playboy mansion only to be evicted while waiting to be the next Playmate of the month. Come on. You wouldn't watch this movie for the plot would you?

Anyway, Faris (from all the SCARY MOVIEs) plays the house bunny who gets kicked out of the mansion and somehow ends up living at a sorority house where she teaches the loser, nerdy sorority how to be sexy and popular. I know what you're thinking. This movie wasn't as $hitty as you would think though.

Anna Faris got that dumb blonde role locked up. Wonder if she's really like that in real life. She's funnier than Jessica Simpson was on that reality show. Her expressions are priceless. And, bonus for the guys, she actually looked kinda decently hot. Not bad at all.

The Playmates played (with) themselves. Hugh Hefner was in it, too. I don't know about his three girlfriends, but Hef can act pretty good. I guess when you gotta act like a playboy your whole life, acting in a movie is a piece of cake. Or a slice of cherry pie. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr.

Comparable to a poor director's CLUELESS or LEGALLY BLONDE, this movie is not all about t!ts and a$$. Well, maybe a little. It's really about capturing the beauty that resides in all of us and expressing this inner beauty by whatever means necessary even if it means getting fake boobs or hiking up your skirt so that men everywhere will be drawn in and then notice your beauty that comes from deep within your burgeoning bosoms. Just like no one notices fat people who dress well, no one notices how nice ugly people are. Beauty's only skin deep...but it is this beauty that helps people feel better about you.

I give this movie two milkshakes...and some warm apple cider...

Righteous Kill

Starring: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, 50 Cent, John Leguizamo, and Donnie Wahlberg

RIGHTEOUS KILL is the long-awaited sequel to HEAT featuring arguably two of the greatest, most intense actors of your parents' generation. Just kidding about the sequel part.

The movie was about these two on-the-way-out detectives trying to solve a bunch of serial killings connected by its violence, guns, and poems left at the scenes. A moral dilemma is presented early on which affects latter chain of events in the movie. The acting, as expected, was top-notch. It even surprisingly rubbed off on 50. Pacino was cracking me up the whole movie with his one-liners and his over-the-top acting. De Niro was his usual succinct, intense self.

Along with our protagonists trying to solve the murders, you, the viewer, must try to decipher what the hell is going on, too. I find that the older I get, the more I find myself rewinding $hit 'cause I can't understand what the hell's going on. It's not that it's hard to figure out. I guess when it comes down to it, I try to understand how everything is connected, so I end up confusing myself. Let's blame it on the OCD.

Good movie despite some nitpicky negative reviews. I think when you get two Goliaths together everyone expects the best movie ever made. It was still better than most. Kept me watching. Wasn't boring. Wahlberg and Leguizamo were funny, too.

If you like cop movies, you'll like this one. I give this movie two screen legends still burning up the screen with their intensity. Pretty impressive...

Jumper

Starring: Hayden Christensen, Rachel Bilson, Samuel L. Jackson, Diane Lane (for about 30 seconds), and that girl from TWILIGHT (about 5 seconds)

How you gonna have Diane Lane in the movie for only two scenes. At least one of those scenes she should've been jumping out of her thong. It reminded me of that movie EXECUTIVE DECISION where everyone thought Steven Seagal was in the movie and he died in the first 10 minutes.

Anyway, let's "jump" back to the movie. Hardy har har! JUMPER is about this guy who can teleport everywhere and eventually uses his powers to rob a bank and pretty much just travel the world. He likes this one girl from high school days. Everyone thinks he's dead 'cause he teleported for the first time away from everybody and never went back. That's pretty much it for the first half of the movie.

Then, Samuel L. Jackson shows up and all hell breaks loose as usual. He's part of another group of freaks called Paladins whose mission, for some unexplained reason, is to regulate and kill Jumpers.

I don't know about the story, but the teleportation and fighting was pretty cool. STAR WARS had light sabers. HARRY POTTER has their spells and $hit. This movie's effects were kinda cool, too. At least I thought so. Somehow, although there's no point, I got caught up in all the exotic locales and varying combinations of teleportation. It was kinda cool and different. Not like time travel, which has been done over and over. He moved through space instantaneously.

Hayden and Jackson have the inevitable showdown and, of course, he gets the girl setting up a sequel. Pretty predictable stuff, but visually stimulating. I liked this movie. Can you tell? Exceeded my expectations. Maybe that's the trick. Don't expect much.

I give this movie two hops, skip, and a...

Teeth

Remember now, I'm on a cult horror flick kick. The more outrageous the movie, the better. Blame my lovely wife for buying me the awesome Roku for Xmas. That's like buying porn for a sex addict. Come to think of it, that'd probably be a good gift, too.

TEETH is about this Mormonish virgin (not saying that's bad, just comparing) chick who has sharp JAWS-teeth in her vajayjay. Yeah, that's right. I'm not making this $hit up.

She doesn't want to have sex, so it's not like it's attacking the neighborhood or anything. Just horny boys trying to de-virginize her, which, of course, try. Once she gets invaded, she plays the revenge game, manipulating some guys to deflower her Venus flytrap just so that she can teach 'em a lesson.

Her and her step-brother have this weird incestual vibe going on. The brother's banging his girlfriend at home, while she's trying to stay pure and innocent. At least at the beginning.

The soundtrack from this movie was stolen from Afterglow, this Mormon Christian-poppish group. Okay, I made that up, but it sure sounded like it. All the songs were chastity-related. Again, not a bad thing, just funny and fitting to the story.

I don't know if the director of this movie meant to be funny, spooky, disturbing, or send a message of abstinence or man-hating promiscuity. All I know was that this movie was kinda strange in a likeable way. Beautiful thought it was stupid, but she still watched it. It was like watching a car accident. A dirty hot rod ramming into a pure White mini Cooper...with sharp spikes sticking out of its trunk...

Light, strange, semi-enjoyable movie if that's your cup of tea. I'm sort of experimenting in this genre lately. I give this movie two bloody balls left after you get your eel chomped off by a piranha punani...

Quickie

Okay, I'm going to pull a Patterson and briefly review each of these...

THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE - Not bad. I didn't buy the romantic link, but the story, I thought, was original enough to keep us watching. We both were pleasantly surprised.

IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES - Wondering what this is? It's a f@cked-up Japanese movie based on a true story about a nympho geisha and her master who end up f@cking each other to death. Not kidding. Non-stop, explicit, disturbing sex. Hard to get excited when you're sick to your stomach.

GRINDHOUSE: PLANET TERROR - Okay, this movie was the $hit!! It's a purposefully-done zombie B-movie that was so over-the-top that I just loved it. Led me to go on a cult horror flick kick.

GRINDHOUSE: DEATH PROOF - Twin bill of the previous movie. Quentin Tarantino's half. Surprisingly, it sucked a$$. Even though I know he did it on purpose, I didn't get the movie at all. The ending may be the only redeeming part of the movie. Especially if you're a girl.

I AM A SEX ADDICT - Our home movies. Just kidding. This was a comedy/documentary of some dude who wanted to chronicle his struggles with his addiction in a humorous, watchable manner. Don't expect a lot of sex. Don't expect LOL humor either. Kinda Indie funny.

SEVEN POUNDS - Will Smith's ambitious Oscar-seeking movie. We liked it. Probably biased though (me) since it's Will Smith. Rosario Dawson's the hottest lizard alive. She should've been on that TV series "V." Remember that? Good drama. Can't tell you anything 'cause of the twist. Well, I guess I've now told you there's a twist.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK - Not bad until this Stay-Puff Marshmallow Hulk came out and fought the real Hulk. They should've just let the Hulk "tear up" Liv Tyler. Good year for superhero movies, but this one is probably the worst.

KUNG FU PANDA - Overrated. We didn't much care for it. The cast of voices was like the New York Yankees of acting. All that talent, but can't feel the chemistry. Pixar would've done it better. Angelina Jolie's voice is still sexy though. She should do those Japanese Manga porn cartoons.


How's that? Short and sweet and my eyes don't hurt...

Movie Madness

Okay, without further adieu, I present to you the long list of movies that I've seen since my last review. I've probably seen more, but this is what I can remember. I'll do reviews on some of them later. Like anyone cares...

The X-Files: I Want to Believe
In the Realm of the Senses
Grindhouse: Planet Terror
Grindhouse: Death Proof
I Am a Sex Addict
Seven Pounds
The Incredible Hulk
Kung Fu Panda
I Am Legend (again)

Huh...doesn't seem like a lot. I thought I saw more. Watched a lot of TV series on DVD, maybe that's why. Oh, well. There it is. Be back to review later. My eyes get sore when I blog too much...