Hancock

Got your handCOCK right here!!

Okay, jokes aside, let me just say that I really like Will Smith in a non-homo way. In my mind, he's like the Jordan of movies right now. Whatever he's in is money. It'll be an excellent, entertaining movie that has everything (action, drama, comedy) in it.

That being said, I couldn't figure out why no one saw HANCOCK. The premise seemed original. A flawed superhero trying to better his public image. The possible situations and jokes seemed limitless. Especially since IRON MAN, THE DARK KNIGHT, THE INCREDIBLE HULK, not to mention SPIDER MAN and X-MEN were oversaturating our blockbuster summers. I thought everyone would be flocking to see Smith's latest endeavor.

The movie stared off fine and dandy. He's saving the world, but f@cking up by leaving behind a lot of property damage and injuries. Charlize Theron is in the movie looking hot as ever and Jason Bateman, Hancock's PR guy, was clever and funny as the everyman trying to repair Hancock's image. You get the whole Hancock saving the world by being a good guy awkward thing going on. It's pretty funny. It's kinda like those reality charm school shows where the hootchies gotta manner-up and be all ladylike and $hit even though they're all ghetto titas. You see the transformation.

BUT THEN...

Halfway through the movie, without warning, the story inexplicably changes gears and heads in another $hitbird direction. What the hell??!! I can't even tell you what happened. I DON'T want to tell you what happened. Talk about a rally killer. Talk about blue balls. Talk about a Handcock-tease!! Where the hell did this come from? It's like they just ran out of ideas and needed to fill in some time and went with the craziest idea possible. I was shocked!!

Will Smith. Charlize Theron. How the hell can these two let this happen? This is when I realized WHY people didn't go and see this movie. I'd have to put this up there with WILD WILD WEST.

Still though, more entertaining than most movies. Just not up to par with the Fresh Prince's usual standards. I give this movie two Bangkoks and a punani ping-pong hurling prostitute...

The Foot Fist Way

Okay, I know this kinda sounds like a porno, but unfortunately, it's not. I'll be reviewing those next week.

THE FOOT FIST WAY is this movie that I heard about through the Indie movie underground that I often travel through on my way to Cannes. Yeah, I got my ear to the cinemas.

Actually, it's this Indie low-budget karate movie that was highly vouched for by one Will Ferrell. I figure if Will likes it and I like Will's movies, it's gotta be pretty funny. I was half right.

The movie is about this delusional haole tae kwan do instructor whose life mission is to teach tae kwan do to anybody crazy enough to take it from him and to become THE "demo" man. "Demos" are those ridiculous demonstrations you see where a clan of karate guys tour around your local area breaking wooden boards that don't hit back in an effort to recruit people to sign up for their lame-a$$ classes.

Funny thing is, when I was younger, my neighbor must've "trained" at one of these dojos 'cause he was always showing us that he could break boards, but we were always kicking the $hit out of his dumb a$$.

The instructor dude in the movie has a stripper-looking wife who humpty dumptys everyone she comes in contact with. Because of this, he gets even more absorbed in his demo work hitting on a female student, badly role modeling for some of his younger male students, and pretty much doing all kinds of funny, but awkward $hit. The guy's a complete loser, but he thinks he's God's gift to tae kwan do. The guy's so arrogant and irritating that it's hilarious to watch.

It reminded me of BORAT when you'd watch him do some crazy $hit to people and be so appalled by his audacity to do anything to pull off the joke that you'd laugh, but feel awkward and embarrassed for him (and his victims) at the same time. That's how I felt watching this movie.

I think most people wouldn't like this movie, but if you're looking for something totally different in the comedy realm to explore, by all means, take a shot and watch it. Critics liked it and Will Ferrell liked it, so there's your endorsement. OH, WAIT!! I figured it out! The guy in the movie acts like our very own Loveboat! Seriously!! You know how Loveboat swaggers around like he's the $hit, but everybody's just thinking he's a joke. Kinda like that, but even worse.

You get to watch the instructor teach classes, do demos, and travel to some tae kwan do conference to meet his action-star idol. It's almost like a documentary gone bad. And therein lies the humor.

I give this movie two dozen donuts in the morning sent to the office searching for friends at the other end...coming up empty...like the Jamba Juice/Starbucks cups that he desperately buys for those who continue to take advantage of him...

The Legend of the Shadowless Sword

Crouching Kal Bi, Hidden Meat Jun. This movie is the $hit!!

After watching some recent squid luau crap, this movie was a breath of fresh air...with a hint of kim chee.

I loved this movie!! Now granted, Koreans can't do martial arts like the Chinese, but it was pretty damn good. Everybody was flying and fighting. Cool action scenes, yobo!!

If you watch closely, the wire work wasn't as steady as CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, but it wasn't too shabby either. They were slipping and sliding, bobbing and weaving. I liked it. They didn't need to run on air though. They should just pose and glide like in Crouching Tiger. My own personal preference. Like I'm Bruce Lee or something.

(I think) The movie was about this one village trying to find their prince-heir to lead them to overthrow the present governing village regime. This one kinda hot Korean chick is responsible for bringing back the prince to his throne while this other kinda hot Korean chick with bigger eyes is trying to kill the prince. Both villages do battle to maintain dominance over the other. Some other Korean guys do battle with each other too, but all you Asians look alike, so I couldn't tell who was who. I didn't care either. I just wanted them to fight.

I think that Korean girls can't be pretty. They have an edge to their face. They have the bitchy-face look. Sexy? Maybe. Pretty? Tough call. I guess they could be both. I'd have to say that of all the Asians, they seem the most pissed off. Even their language sounds harsh...or so my wife says.

The fighting was cool. The girls were semi-hot. The scenery was beautiful. Who cares what the story was about??!! The action itself was what made the movie. Again, not bad for a Korean martial arts movie.

If you like Crouching Tiger, and HERO, and HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS, this movie is definitely for you. I seriously loved it. I give this movie two Korean hotties from those K-Dramas that everyone and their mother seems to be watching and that girl from LOST who should run around in her bathing suit more 'cause she looked pretty good on the Maxim cover that I saw a while back...

Sidebar: How come Koreans are the Asians who are more likely to get boob jobs, especially when they're in their 30's, 40's, and even 50's?

The Lost Boys: The Tribe

Yes, this is the sequel to THE LOST BOYS. And yes, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim were in the movie. For some reason, Corey Haim was only in at the very end. Like 30 seconds or something. Probably missed filming smoking crack. And, believe it or not, Kiefer Sutherland's younger half-brother was in this movie. Yeah, I know you care.

The movie SUCKED A$$!! My lovely wife's pick. She had to have her belated dose of the two Coreys.

The only thing good about this movie was the upgraded blood and violence, special effects, and nudity. What's a B movie without gratuitous sex? In the shower, no less. Worth the price of admission. Nah, not really. Okay, maybe. Depends on how many times you rewind it and play it in slow-mo. Not that I would do that or anything.

LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE is about a brother and sister who move to somewhere (California?) to get away from their tragic past only to meet a bunch of surfers who happen to be vampires. What do you know...they should've called this Lost Boys: Point Break. Guess who the sister falls in love with? Watch the first Lost Boys, and then watch POINT BREAK and you've seen this movie.

Corey Feldman plays his same vampire-killer character. He looked and sounded exactly the same as twenty years ago. Pretty impressive, we thought. That was pretty much it though. Did I mention the shower scene?

This movie sucked, but it was pretty funny to watch. Like a bad, 50's horror B-movie. My Baby liked it, so whatever. I live my life for her. This is what I do.

Got an hour and a half to waste? Rent this movie. I give this movie two Coreys and a former Playboy model on their own reality show that can't be watched 'cause my wife surprisingly hates the show...

Smart People

I think I'm finally sick of dysfunctional Indie movies. It's actually depressing. Plus, I'm mentally exhausted from all the witty sarcasm I have to endure just to keep up with all the characters' dialogue. It's like hanging out with a group of band geeks all day long. Or being on Team Fantastic Four.

SMART PEOPLE stars that JUNO girl Ellen Page, Thomas Haden Church, Sarah Jessica Parker, and John Wilkes Booth...I mean, Dennis Quaid. Quaid is the a$$hole college professor who can't relate to people whose wife died recently, Church is the freeloader slacker brother living it up with no job or aspirations, Parker is the former student/nurse who takes care of Quaid in the hospital, and Page is the GT know-it-all, but naive, perfect daughter. She pretty much plays the same character she did in Juno.

Sidebar: You ever notice that when students have crushes on their teachers, it's ALWAYS an English teacher?

The movie follows Quaid's family as they interact with people and go through their mundane, but somehow interesting lives. Dysfunctional realism is what draws you in. Actually, it's starting to turn me off lately. Time to watch a Disney movie to escape from reality again.

Everyone in the movie seems to be extremely intelligent, but not smart enough to figure out the simple things in life. Socially, they just don't get it. Or maybe they do and the rest of us are idiots for caring about petty, social stuff. Sorry. Had to throw that in.

If you're in the mood for something deep, this may be the movie for you. If not, stay away. The movie's not bad. I probably would've liked it if I saw it a couple of months ago. I give this movie two math teachers who only want to teach GT and Algebra and want to get rid of all their low kids...

Harold and Kumar: Escape From Guantanamo Bay

Bill and Ted. Jay and Silent Bob. Harold and Kumar...

These guys are a good combination. Like Kama Sutra with a hot Korean girl.

I saw the first movie, and though I thought it was pretty funny, being that I've never touched the Chronic in my life, I had a hard time finding the humor in all of the scenes. I felt like a nun watching porn.

This one, however, is funny as $hit!! It was like JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK without all the witty banter. In other words, they said some crass, f@cked-up $hit and did some crazy, borderline NC-17 sex stuff. Not hot, steamy sex. More like bizarre, I-can't-believe-they're-showing-this hilarious $hit. Nothing clever. Just straight-up vulgar.

It all starts with Harold and Kumar being on a plane to Amsterdam to find Harold's girl when Kumar gets accused of being a terrorist. I was cracking up when it all went down on the plane. I thought that scene in itself was funny. This sets them off on a weird, but hilarious chain of events where they keep getting in and out of trouble. I'm not telling you anymore. Go see it.

The homeland security dude who was trying to catch them was cracking me up. Harold's straight man to Kumar's rebel genius also make an unlikely likable, comedic pair. Never thought that a Korean and an Indian would headline a movie, spawn a sequel, and be highly successful doing it. I can't believe Kumar's a doctor on HOUSE. They should make a reality show based on the lives of Loveboat and Sharma. No one would look away from that train wreck.

This is a guys' movie. I don't know if I was just in the mood to laugh, but I'd put it up there with JAY AND SILENT BOB and TROPIC THUNDER. Not as clever, but I was laughing my a$$ off. Maybe it was just because it followed my viewing of BE KIND REWIND. I wonder if white people thought these two guys were funny.

Need a good laugh? Watch this movie. I give it two Korean import models 69ing each other at 7-11 after drinking some slurpees...

Awake

This movie is about Jessica Alba, the greatest actress of our generation, c@ck-teasing us once again, but not giving it up. She shows us some left nipple through her wet T-shirt. She shows us some side-boob action from the back. She shows us her naked back and lots of leg, but we never get to see paydirt. Why the f@ck does she continue to waste her talents like that? She even kinda ooofs in this movie...with her clothes on!! WHAT THE F@CK??!!

She needs to follow the examples of Halle Berry, Charlize Theron, and Angelina Jolie. These three women are beautiful and classy AND GOT BUCK-NAKED in their movies AND STILL won academy awards. Julia Roberts on the other hand...successful career and all, but too late to take off her clothes...no academy awards. Seems pretty simple to me. Jessica Alba gotta get down and dirty and pornoish in some MONSTER'S BALL type of movie and she'll gain more respect from her fans and her peers. I should be her agent.

Back to the movie...

AWAKE is about this rich guy (Hayden Christensen) who needs a heart transplant and, for some reason, also is hiding the fact that he's in love with Alba from his mom. Why the hell would you go out with her and NOT show her off to EVERYBODY? This movie's fake.

Anyway, during his surgery, his anesthesia doesn't work, and he's awake for the whole operation. Apparently, this happens at times in real life, too. Scary, huh. His doctor and friend (Terrence Howard) doesn't even know that he's awake 'cause he's paralyzed, but can't say $hit. That's all I can tell you.

Terrence Howard is good in everything he's in. Hayden Christensen Anakin Skywalkered his way through this entire movie. Jessica Alba, despite the slutty, whorish teasing, actually did a great job acting this time. Seriously. You'll see. I notice she always tries to play the sweet girlfriend with the potty-mouth character. She might as well go full-dirty and strip for us. Give us more bang for our buck. Or more buck for our bang. Either way.

In the end, I actually liked the movie. You'll see. I'm not saying it was the greatest movie of all time, but I will say that it's gotta be Jessica Alba's best movie to date. Has she made any good movies? See, gotta get nasty, I'm telling you. She's only getting older. Not like her acting skills is getting her the plum roles anyway. Even her own momma wants to see her get naked.

If you want a light movie with some pretty good suspense, and you wanna torture yourself and give yourself blue balls, watch this movie. If anything, you'll walk away with an idea of the potential of what Jessica Alba could be...if she took off more clothes. I give this movie two balls of blue, and if you're a girl, two fingertips, but not the whole hand...