Burn After Reading

Starring a star-studded cast: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton, and Frances McDormand (from Fargo)

Okay, right off the bat, this movie sucked a$$!! I've never seen a movie this bad since STRICTLY BALLROOM. I know the Coen brothers are supposed to be geniuses and $hit, but I think they missed the boat on this one.

The only thing good about this movie was Brad Pitt playing this total doofus. He was so UN-cool that it was hilarious. He was dancing and saying all this airheaded stuff and talking in this weird intonation. He had on his iPod half the time and was drinking Jamba Juice. It was totally out of character in a good way. He was the only good thing in the movie. Well, John Malkovich was his usual quirky self. He did a lot of yelling and swearing. Clooney was a goofball perv screwing all these women behind his wife's back. He even made a sex machine complete with a rubber dildo. That was funny. McDormand was her usual doe-eyed self. Kind of tiring.

BURN AFTER READING is about this recently-fired CIA analyst (Malkovich) who writes a memoir that gets found at this gym where Pitt and McDormand work. They think that it's top secret stuff, so they try to bribe Malkovich and eventually try to turn it over to the Russians. Problem is, no one gives a $hit. In the meantime, Clooney gets mixed up with this implausible situation when he starts boning Tilda, who's Malkovich's bitchy wife. Clooney's this Treasury dude who knows Malkovich, is boning his wife, and later, somehow starts boning McDormand, too. He also meets Pitt later in the movie. You'll see. Or maybe you won't 'cause you shouldn't see this movie. What the f@ck? That's what I was thinking the whole time.

Anyway, maybe I'm retarded, but I was lost the entire movie and didn't find any of it funny, except for Pitt. It's like the movie had no point. It's like the whole movie was an inside joke for the Coens, the cast, and maybe their mom. FARGO was a good movie. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN was an awesome movie! This movie, I don't know what they were going for.

Anyway (again), terrible movie. They should just grab all Brad Pitt's scenes and smash 'em together to show on YouTube. I give this movie two matches to start a bonfire to burn after reading this $hitty-a$$ script...