The Hitcher

This horror/suspense/slasher flick stars Sophia "We've Got" Bush and some other no-name actors. Well, actually there's this one guy I recognize from The Rock movie where he was wielding a big stick. I know you ladies wouldn't mind seeing that. The Rock's nemesis in that movie, whoever he is, was in this movie. Beautiful thought he was hot.

Anyway, this movie, considering the genre, was pretty entertaining. There's nothing better than an hour and a half, light movie that lets you escape from reality for a while and doesn't make you think. It was pretty riveting. It had enough action and blood to keep my attention. Not like Saw blood, but enough that made me say, "Damn!!" Sometimes, I think I'm Black. Or colored. Depends if you're racist or not. Which I'm not. I love the Black man. Not in a gay way. Show me the money!!

Okay, got a little off track there...

So, this movie was about the typical college-aged couple going on a road trip to meet the girl's friends so they can talk about how he is in bed and typical girly $hit like that. That is what you girls talk about, right?

They end up giving this sketchy guy a ride and I'm pretty sure you can figure out what's going to go down for the rest of the movie. I won't ruin it for you. Let's just say that it was kinda fun watching even though it was kinda predictable. Well, you might know WHAT'S coming next, but you probably won't know HOW. Actually, with all the mistakes the couple made, I'm surprised the movie didn't last only 10 minutes.

Whenever I watch these types of movies, a few questions always pop into my head:

1) Why would you give a total stranger a ride? Are you not feeling the creepy vibe?

2) If you're trying to get the attention of another driver while you're driving, wouldn't you concentrate on the road and make your passenger flag down the other driver? Probably save you from getting into an accident or two.

3) If someone is clearly trying to kill you, but you somehow injured them, wouldn't you check to see if the person was really dead? Wouldn't you at least keep running him over with the car? Maybe that's just me.

4) If the cops were after you and you know you didn't do a damn thing, wouldn't you just turn yourself in and explain? Beats having even MORE cops chase you.

5) I know I'm always in the mood, but do you really have time to ooof in the shower when a killer's after you? Or does it somehow heighten the pleasure? I knew rape was a good thing.

Pretty good movie if you're into scary movies. Deena liked it. I liked that she liked it. I personally find horror/suspense movies to be quite funny. I like to guess when someone's going to die or just appear out of nowhere. Or maybe laughter is my defense mechanism for dealing with fear. Either way, I'm usually entertained. I think the last time I was truly scared while watching a movie was "Sixth Sense". Other than that, not really. Actually, "Strictly Ballroom" scared the bejesus out of me 'cause I was so horrified that someone would have the nerve to make such a piece of $hit.

I give this movie two funbags to grab onto while having two minutes of hot shower sex as you get poked two times, once by a blunt Johnson and on the second time around, a long, thick, sharp knife...

The Constant Gardener

Starring: Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz

I think I'm officially old. I was trying to watch "Epic Movie" the other day and I shut it off halfway. "The Constant Gardener," on the other hand, kept my interest throughout. How very adult of me.

This movie was pretty damn good in a Academy Awards kinda way. I mean, it can't hold a candle to "The Dark Knight" or anything like that, but it had some drama for you and your mama.

The movie takes place in Africa, so let's just say that it was "Blood Diamond" with pharmaceutical drugs. Seriously, it really was. It was also a combination of Karate Kid 2, Cool Runnings, and Lake Placid. Nah, just kidding. That sounded like some kinda deep, mismatched comparison Blakedy-Blake would make...while he shakes and bakes...and eats steak...with a piece of red velvet cake...what a mistake...there's more money at stake...don't fake...The Constant Gardener surely must own a rake...for heaven's sake...my lyrics are opaque...yeah, he does look exactly like Jake...

Sorry about that. Can't help it once my flow gets started, yo. It just be like diarrhea flowing right out my a$$!!

Anyway, the movie is about British diplomat Ralph not ralphing when he learns that his outspoken, we-are-the-world wife (Weisz) has just been killed while traveling somewhere in Africa. She was onto something, and gardener-hobbying Ralph spends the entire movie "pulling weeds" until he can get to the bottom of this f@cked-up mystery.

SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT!! (Well, if you're actually going to watch it...)

Basically, these pharmaceutical companies were experimenting their TB-curing drugs on Africans before making it available to the public. These trials were not getting the desired results, so people started getting all crazy just to turn a profit. Everyone's corrupt and greedy and Ralph is trying to figure out who's responsible for his wife's death. At first, he doesn't even know what his wife was trying to expose and throughout the movie, to make matters worse, there were implications that she was cheating on him, which added to the intrigue and deception. You basically go along for the ride with Ralphy boy and try to figure out who's doing what. Your basic thriller. I wasn't joking about the Blood Diamond similarities. Not as good though.

OKAY, SPOILING DONE...

This type of movie, again, makes you think of the possibility of this kind of corruption going on in the world today. Could it be happening every day in faraway places like Iraq even? What's up with our gas prices? Hmmm...

I enjoyed the movie. So did my Baby. She only prefers watching dramas and chick flicks. Well, chick flicks are all about the drama. Really, though, good movie. You have to be in the mood though. You have to have two hours to spare. You have to be prepared to take it all in. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr. Nah, you'll be entertained in a cerebral way. That's a pretty fair warning. I give this movie two Viagras and a hard, stiff, sleepless night...

Fist of the White Lotus

Soooooo, you think your kung fu is better than mine? I'll show you...BASTARD!!

That's right. Shaw Brothers Black Belt Theater. Bringing it back to the old school. Way back.

Crouching Tiger and all them other flying-around kung fu movies owe the Shaw Brothers. They made the classics. Master Killer, Five Deadly Venoms. Remember those? Oh, you don't care, huh. Well, if you did, you would know.

Anyway, Fist of the White Lotus features that Gordon Liu guy from Master Killer. They also have the stereotypical white bearded, white eye-browed, white haired, old master who's whipping everyone's a$$ without expending much energy.

The movie is about the White Lotus clan versus the Shaolin clan (I think?). After I got caught up in all the fighting, I kinda lost track of the story. Go figure. All I know is that Gordon Liu's best friend and his girlfriend get killed by that old man master, White Lotus. This was, of course, a little payback for Liu and his boy killing one of their previous masters. Revenge seems to be a recurring theme in Chinese Kung Fu cinema. Why is that? I don't see Yao Ming throwing elbows in the NBA. Maybe the Rockets' coaches should send someone to hurt his brother. Then, he'd play angry and play better. Maybe even Wu Tang Shaq's a$$.

Liu practices and practices AND PRACTICES until he can get HIS revenge. He actually gets beat down a few times. Don't you just love training sequences in kung fu movies? He finally figures out which style to use, and guess what? He actually beats the master. Go figure.

I won't ruin the ending, but let's just say that his style involves paper dummies, acupuncture, and a more effeminate touch. Yup, I know you're just heading down to Chinatown right now asking Won Hung Lo for some manapua and this flick! Yeah, just let me know. I'll let you guys borrow.

The staccato fighting is still fun to watch. The terrible English dubbing is still hilarious. The plot is porous as ever. BUT, you still gotta love those kung fu classics!! Don't lie!! I know you used to watch with your parents when you were younger!

I actually posted the preview about a couple of posts back. You can check it out if you didn't already. I give this movie two rice cakes and some greasy roast pork. I'm getting hungry now...

I Think I Love My Wife

No, that's not a statement. That's a movie title. Besides, I KNOW I love my wife.

I also have HBO. That's why I end up reviewing old movies. Just thought I'd tell you guys in case you were wondering.

This movie featured Chris Rock acting, as well as directing. I thought it was gonna suck bad like his other movies, but it was actually not bad. Probably 'cause my expectations were low, I was pleasantly surprised.

Steve Buscemi was in the movie. And so was Stephen A. Smith. Yeah, that guy. The irritating ESPN sports guy. Kerry Washington played the hottie. She didn't look it, but judging by her voice, I think she was the sister of the main black guy in that Julia Stiles Jungle Fever dance movie, Save the Last Dance.

So, the movie was about two of my favorite things, marriage and sex. Now, if I could just figure out how to put the two together. Just kidding.

Really, though. Chris Rock plays a banker/father/husband guy who's "trapped" in his boring married life. His old friend's girl visits him at work one day and a fling slowly develops without him even knowing it. She knows exactly what she's doing though. Girls like straddling that friend/girlfriend line and playing innocent. Jezebels, I tell you.

Anyway, the movie does the usual comparing of married vs single life and having fun with it. Chris Rock pretty much acts out his stand-up routine throughout the movie. His acting has gotten better.

When he "acts," the movie is just okay, but when he's "Chris Rock," he's hilarious, he's swearing and being all raunchy, and the movie is a bit more entertaining.

For a light comedy, it has its moments. Or it could be that I'm a newlywed, so I can finally relate. That "not having sex once you get married" thing is not so funny though. I really feel that a healthy sex life is an important part of a happy, successful marriage. HINT, HINT! Gotta have the passion, right? I bet you there's a direct correlation between crazy oofing and marital fidelity. What do you guys think?

The ending was straight cheesy, but the movie was alright. Not bad. Not great. I wasn't dying laughing or anything like that, but it entertained me enough. Chris Rock always makes me appreciate Eddie Murphy more. I give this movie two days of sex per weekend...

The Dark Knight REMIX

On the second go-around, I found some things to be interesting:

Batman's raspy voice started to irritate me, but then I found it to be endearing like how Edward James Olmos's voice used to be when he was Police Chief on Miami Vice.

Maggie Gyllenhaal kinda looks like one of those creepy, cartoony characters in Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas.

She's not hot or anything, but surprisingly I couldn't look away.

I couldn't stop laughing when I saw the Joker wearing Harvey Dent's campaign sticker on his nurse's uniform.

Aaron Eckhart gets to a point in the movie where every line he's screaming out something at the top of his lungs.

Did you recognize Anthony Michael Hall in the movie?

Harvey Dent has a huge-a$$ dimple on his chin which pretty much eliminated him from realistically being Batman.

That Batcycle was the $hit!!

The Joker's f@ckin' even more hilarious the second time around.

Newman from Seinfeld should play the Penguin in the next movie.

How can they top this?

You Killed My Teacher

That's right. You know I'm gonna have to review some Shaw Brothers Black Belt Theater old school kung fu flicks. And it's only a matter of time 'till we get to the more "adult" stuff. Stay tuned...