The Constant Gardener

Starring: Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz

I think I'm officially old. I was trying to watch "Epic Movie" the other day and I shut it off halfway. "The Constant Gardener," on the other hand, kept my interest throughout. How very adult of me.

This movie was pretty damn good in a Academy Awards kinda way. I mean, it can't hold a candle to "The Dark Knight" or anything like that, but it had some drama for you and your mama.

The movie takes place in Africa, so let's just say that it was "Blood Diamond" with pharmaceutical drugs. Seriously, it really was. It was also a combination of Karate Kid 2, Cool Runnings, and Lake Placid. Nah, just kidding. That sounded like some kinda deep, mismatched comparison Blakedy-Blake would make...while he shakes and bakes...and eats steak...with a piece of red velvet cake...what a mistake...there's more money at stake...don't fake...The Constant Gardener surely must own a rake...for heaven's sake...my lyrics are opaque...yeah, he does look exactly like Jake...

Sorry about that. Can't help it once my flow gets started, yo. It just be like diarrhea flowing right out my a$$!!

Anyway, the movie is about British diplomat Ralph not ralphing when he learns that his outspoken, we-are-the-world wife (Weisz) has just been killed while traveling somewhere in Africa. She was onto something, and gardener-hobbying Ralph spends the entire movie "pulling weeds" until he can get to the bottom of this f@cked-up mystery.

SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT!! (Well, if you're actually going to watch it...)

Basically, these pharmaceutical companies were experimenting their TB-curing drugs on Africans before making it available to the public. These trials were not getting the desired results, so people started getting all crazy just to turn a profit. Everyone's corrupt and greedy and Ralph is trying to figure out who's responsible for his wife's death. At first, he doesn't even know what his wife was trying to expose and throughout the movie, to make matters worse, there were implications that she was cheating on him, which added to the intrigue and deception. You basically go along for the ride with Ralphy boy and try to figure out who's doing what. Your basic thriller. I wasn't joking about the Blood Diamond similarities. Not as good though.

OKAY, SPOILING DONE...

This type of movie, again, makes you think of the possibility of this kind of corruption going on in the world today. Could it be happening every day in faraway places like Iraq even? What's up with our gas prices? Hmmm...

I enjoyed the movie. So did my Baby. She only prefers watching dramas and chick flicks. Well, chick flicks are all about the drama. Really, though, good movie. You have to be in the mood though. You have to have two hours to spare. You have to be prepared to take it all in. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr. Nah, you'll be entertained in a cerebral way. That's a pretty fair warning. I give this movie two Viagras and a hard, stiff, sleepless night...