Code Name: Cleaner

Okay, I know what you're thinking. How can someone waste so much time watching movies? Worse yet, how can someone waste so much of their precious time watching $hitty-a$$ movies? Well, I can sum it all up for you in two words: SUMMER BREAK. Or how 'bout this: NO LIFE. Wait, one more: I CAN.

Some people like to read. I like to watch movies. And I'm not watching it in that Roger Ebert kinda analytical way. I just do it to wind down and relax. Purely for entertainment purposes. Sometimes, I'll watch an award-winning drama like Million Dollar Baby. Sometimes, I'll watch a real stinkbomb like Strictly Ballroom. Sometimes, I just want to be silly and laugh, so I'll watch Blades of Glory. Sometimes, I'll even watch a crappy movie that I know I'm going to hate just because a certain actor/actress is in it and I want to see them either bomb badly or get naked. For example, all of Jessica Alba's movies.

Whatever the case may be, I somehow stumbled upon this piece of crap. It was pretty bad. I saw the previews and immediately knew that it would just suck a$$, but I guess when it comes down to it, I couldn't resist mainland Asian hottie Lucy Liu and that Desperate Housewife MILF Nicollette Sheridan. I don't know, maybe I just thought that they would somehow break into a rug munching scene right in the middle of the movie or something. Cedric the Entertainer was the main guy in it, so you know it was a comedy.

Let me give you the rundown. This movie was like a poor man's Long Kiss Goodnight. It was like Memento without the "Me". Cedric the Entertainer wakes up next to a dead body, doesn't know who he is, and spends the rest of the movie trying to piece everything together. Lucy Liu helps him. Desperate Housewife is trying to get something from him. Trust me, it's pretty lame. Some mildly funny parts here and there. The running joke is that Cedric thinks that he's a special ops "cleaner" that cleans up after the government's mess, but he's actually a real janitor that cleans up bathrooms. See, not a funny premise at all.

But a thought did pop into my head as I was watching. Why is it that some comedians are hilarious on stage or on TV, but not even remotely funny in their movies? Ever notice that? For example, Chris Rock. He's the first one that comes to mind. His movies suck. Cedric the Entertainer is another one. It's like they try to force their comedy routine and jokes into their movie character's dialogue. Kinda like what Seinfeld would do on his sitcom, except that he would do it on purpose.

And then you have those rare geniuses who can actually pull it off on stage, on sitcoms, and on the big screen. Eddie Murphy's the man. I'd have to say Adam Sandler's pretty successful, too. You would think that if you make a living being funny, you wouldn't have any problem being funny anywhere, but evidently that's not always the case. I'm beginning to think that it's all in the acting. Funny comedian + good actor = superstar. Funny comedian + terrible actor = unfunny talk show host (Jay Leno, Andy Bumatai, and soon to be Jimmy Fallon).

I was going to post a clip with cougar Nicollette Sheridan shaking her a$$ in lingerie, but I think I've talked too much already. You guys can go rent your own Desperate Housewives DVD's and knock yourself out...