Changeling

Starring: Angelina Jolie, John Malkovich
Directed by: Clint Eastwood

I think I'm gonna have to put Eastwood in that elitist GT group. GRAN TORINO, MILLION DOLLAR BABY, and now this movie? That old fart's got it going on! He's a genius.

CHANGELING (if you haven't seen the previews) is about this single mom in the roaring '20s whose son goes missing while she's away at work. She's one of those roller skating phone operator supervisors. I guess that was a job associated with that era.

Her son disappears, she freaks out like any parent would, and they supposedly find her son a couple of months later. Problem is, the kid that the infamously corrupt LAPD finds ends up NOT being her son, but for publicity reasons, they try to cover up their mistake. What the f@ck??!! Yeah, this is a true event that actually happened.

As you're watching the movie, you'll find yourself in disbelief screaming at the TV, wondering how something so horrific could've really occurred, even if it was back in the day. Jolie, as always, plays a strong character who fights to the end to get to the bottom of this f@cked-up travesty. Sometimes, she's so hot that people forget she can actually act. I've always found her voluptuous body and pouty lips to be secondary to her prolific acting skills. I hardly even notice when she's prancing around naked in her movies or bouncing up and down on some poor actor's Johnson for dramatic effect. She sacrifices her body so much for the sake of the story.

I'm beginning to like Eastwood's slow, deliberate pacing in his movies. It's like he takes his time delivering the message of his films. No special effects. No CGI. Just superb acting and some good, old-fashioned storytelling laced with his simple piano soundtracks. It's an acquired taste, I think.

The movie was pretty long, but I didn't mind it. I was entertained the entire way watching the story unfold. Don't wanna give up too much, but let's just say that it's f@cked-up that any parent would have to go through this, and go at it alone. Unbelievable, really. But that's why this movie was so intriguing. Or at least I thought so. Beautiful thought that it was just okay. I think she's just hating on you-know-who. Just kidding. I think.

Anyway, another excellent Eastwood flick. I give this movie two kids kidnapped from their own third world countries so that they could form some kinda mini-United Nations with Mr. and Mrs. Smith...

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

Voiced by: Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Cedric the Entertainer, Bernie Mac, Sacha Baron Cohen, Alec Baldwin, and Will i Am

Pretty good movie. Not Pixar, but pretty good. With all that voice talent, it better be at least decent.

MADAGASCAR: ESCAPE 2 AFRICA is about the gang (the lion, giraffe, zebra, and hippo played respectively by Stiller, Schwimmer, Rock, and Pinkett-Smith) trying to return to New York from Madagascar only to crash-land in Africa where Alex the Lion was originally from. There they learn about their animal roots and some kid-worthy life-lessons along the way. It was like Reese Witherspoon returning home in SWEET HOME ALABAMA.

This movie was pretty damn funny. Not as funny as my wife thought it was, but considering it wasn't a Pixar flick, it was pretty hilarious. Lately, Beautiful has been liking our animated movie picks for the kids. Usually, she likes to tell all of us how she just abhors cartoony movies, but she seems to be having a change of heart. As a parent, aren't you kinda just forced to like cartoons? Unless you just get sick of it 'cause you gotta watch SHREK fifty-seven times. She's now even enjoying the previews a little too much. "Suuuuusan!!" Yeah, I guess we'll be going to MONSTERS VS. ALIENS.

What always amazes me are the detailed life-like graphics, especially when they show any type of running water. How do they do that? Ah, technology. Never ceases to amaze me. I also always get a kick out of how they make the cartoon character look like the voice actor. Complete with the actor's mannerisms and everything. Impressive. The Alec Baldwin lion was dead-on.

The best animated movies are the ones that keep the kids entertained and the adults laughing without being offensive. This movie successfully does that. It was even better than the sequel. I'd give you more specific examples, but it was all an enjoyable, laughable blur. Let's just say that it was really good for adults and kids. Wifey definitely enjoyed it more than the kids. It was almost up to Pixar standards. Almost. Close.

I give this movie two of each animal boarding an ark to avoid a flood that hopefully never comes again...

Nights in Rodanthe

Starring: AMERICAN GIGOLO Richard Gere, and that UNFAITHFUL Diane Lane...oh yeah, and SPIDER MAN nemesis, James Franco

UNFAITHFUL this was not. I kept waiting for Diane Lane to take off her clothes, but to no unveil. I think I caught a glimpse of her nipple, but wifey said that it wasn't. What kind of movie is this?

NIGHTS IN RODANTHE is another movie based on one of Nicholas Sparks' effeminate bestselling books. Okay, so I read "The Wedding" accidentally on purpose. Why can't they make more James Patterson movies?

The movie takes place in a Rodanthe, NC bed-and-breakfast where the only people staying for the week were, SURPRISE, Gere and Lane. If you isolate two attractive people in a room for a night or two, won't they always ooof? Anyway, there's a hurricane coming (cue the cliche traumatizing event), so, of course, they have to keep each other warm and safe.

Lane is in a dead-end marriage and Gere is a doctor who might as well be dead. Don't want to give away that part. Anyway, they find comfort in each other, tell each other their problems, and, SURPRISE, inevitably fall in love with that intoxicating mix of sharing and listening.

Okay, that's pretty much it for my sharing. Go watch the movie. Or read the book. I'm assuming the book was better. Isn't it always? If you know softie Nicholas Sparks' formulaic approach, you pretty much know what's coming. Beautiful read the book, but still managed to shed a tear or eight throughout.

Not a bad movie. Not a great movie. You gotta be a sucker for this kinda stuff. Of all his adaptations, I think this may have been the worst. Not that it sucked. It's all relative. Now, had Lane pulled some of her UNFAITHFUL acrobatics, this movie would've been the best romance movie of all time. She's only getting older. Still a little exposure time left in her.

I give this movie two people giving in to the passage of time, unable to perform the sexual calisthenics of their youth, staring into each others' eyes passionately, comfortably, intimately, truly, madly, deeply in a savage garden of love and lust, navigating hand-in-hand through that treacherous world we call "marriage"...

Definitely, Maybe

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Elizabeth Banks, Isla Fisher, Rachel Weisz, Kevin Kline, Abigail Breslin

Ryan Reynolds is on the cusp of entering superstardom. I'm calling it now. I'd put him in my Top Five Cool White Guys. That PCHS VP is #2,174 on my list. I'm not gay or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Not like our Hui Lokahi kid who checks out Dave from time to time. Better watch your back, Amy.

Anyway, DEFINITELY, MAYBE is about this guy (Reynolds) and his daughter (Breslin) and how he's about to divorce her mom, so he tells his personal story of all the girls in his life and the daughter gets to guess which one turned out to be her mother. It's like a romantic comedy/mystery. Funny, cute, a bit suspenseful. Not like THE SIXTH SENSE suspenseful. More like "Who the hell just squeezed cheese in here?" kinda suspenseful.

You get to see all the trials and tribulations of dating. You get to meet all the different girls. You get to see the cutesy chemistry between Breslin and Reynolds. I kinda like that guy. He was also in SMOKIN' ACES, THE AMITYVILLE HORROR, and the underrated Joe-Joe 1/2Man, 1/2Amazing pick JUST FRIENDS. Three different movies. Three different performances. Pretty versatile. Not bad at all. He's got that screen presence.

Although Beautiful cried at the end, she didn't really care for the movie. I thought it was not bad. A good watch. Not great as far as romantic comedies go, but I liked it. If you care, I won't give away which girl it was. I won't even tell you which girl I liked 'cause that would probably give it away. If you watch it, you'll pretty much figure it out anyway. What if everybody made a reality movie about their love life? Wouldn't that be pretty interesting? Maybe. Maybe not.

I give this movie two people meeting at work and falling in love. Nah, too boring. That's just too commonplace these days...

Wanted

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Pride and Glory

Starring: Colin Farrell, Edward Norton, Jon Voight

What the hell happened to Colin Farrell? Wasn't he on the fast track to superstardom? Wasn't he in all those good movies with superb actors being groomed to become the next big thing? Wasn't he ooofing Britney Spears? Okay, maybe that was Justin Timberlake.

PRIDE AND GLORY is your basic family cop movie. Not "family" like your whole family including your little rugrats can watch this movie, too. I'm talking more literally, as in cops who are also in the same family. Edward Norton's brother-in-law is Colin Farrell and they're on the force together. Also, Norton's dad (Voight) and bro are protecting and serving, too. Wasn't Norton ooofing Salma Hayek at one time or another? Muy caliente, ese!!

Funny thing is, I've felt like I've seen this movie before. It's called WE OWN THE NIGHT. Mixed with some TRAINING DAY. You'll see.

Anyway, I can't reveal much. Pretty good movie. A bunch of cops get killed at the beginning and they spend the rest of the movie looking for this drug dealer dude who was supposedly at the scene. Norton's supposed to be cop genius, his bro is Captain Kangaroo, his dad is haole Boisse Correa, and Farrell is the kick-a$$ cop. They're all trying to figure out what the hell is going down, while you (the viewer) kinda already know what happened. Still nice to see it all unwind though. Wasn't Voight trying to ooof Angelina Jolie? Okay, sorry. That's some f@cked-up incestual bull$hit...

Like I said, pretty good movie. Not great, but not bad. Problem is, I felt like I've just seen this movie recently. WE OWN THE NIGHT was definitely better. I give this movie two motorcycle cops hiding behind the bushes with their radar guns and donuts, tracking you down for going 61.5 mph in a 60 mph zone, while the real criminals are f@cking up the local intermediate school and getting away with it every damn weekend...

Burn After Reading

Starring a star-studded cast: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton, and Frances McDormand (from Fargo)

Okay, right off the bat, this movie sucked a$$!! I've never seen a movie this bad since STRICTLY BALLROOM. I know the Coen brothers are supposed to be geniuses and $hit, but I think they missed the boat on this one.

The only thing good about this movie was Brad Pitt playing this total doofus. He was so UN-cool that it was hilarious. He was dancing and saying all this airheaded stuff and talking in this weird intonation. He had on his iPod half the time and was drinking Jamba Juice. It was totally out of character in a good way. He was the only good thing in the movie. Well, John Malkovich was his usual quirky self. He did a lot of yelling and swearing. Clooney was a goofball perv screwing all these women behind his wife's back. He even made a sex machine complete with a rubber dildo. That was funny. McDormand was her usual doe-eyed self. Kind of tiring.

BURN AFTER READING is about this recently-fired CIA analyst (Malkovich) who writes a memoir that gets found at this gym where Pitt and McDormand work. They think that it's top secret stuff, so they try to bribe Malkovich and eventually try to turn it over to the Russians. Problem is, no one gives a $hit. In the meantime, Clooney gets mixed up with this implausible situation when he starts boning Tilda, who's Malkovich's bitchy wife. Clooney's this Treasury dude who knows Malkovich, is boning his wife, and later, somehow starts boning McDormand, too. He also meets Pitt later in the movie. You'll see. Or maybe you won't 'cause you shouldn't see this movie. What the f@ck? That's what I was thinking the whole time.

Anyway, maybe I'm retarded, but I was lost the entire movie and didn't find any of it funny, except for Pitt. It's like the movie had no point. It's like the whole movie was an inside joke for the Coens, the cast, and maybe their mom. FARGO was a good movie. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN was an awesome movie! This movie, I don't know what they were going for.

Anyway (again), terrible movie. They should just grab all Brad Pitt's scenes and smash 'em together to show on YouTube. I give this movie two matches to start a bonfire to burn after reading this $hitty-a$$ script...