Buttered Popcorn

Legend of the Guardians

2010-10-07T11:54:00.005-10:00

Okay, I'm bored. Plus, I've seen some $hitty-a$$ movies lately, so it's time to blog about 'em, Jimmy P-style...

LEGEND OF THE GUARDIANS: THE OWLS OF GA'HOOLE - Whoa. Save your money, parents. Wait until your kids get older and just send them to Waipahu for a chicken fight. Same thing...

IRON MAN 2 - Pretty good sequel to the original until a TRANSFORMERS movie broke out without Megan Fox. Scarlett Johannson should've at least stripped or something...

MORE THAN A GAME - LeBron documentary. Liked it until we were all forced to watch the sequel where he decided to tell us in an excruciating hour how he was planning to go to Miami to get divorced from his wife soon...

THE STEPFATHER - My family should be afraid. You never know...

LAW ABIDING CITIZEN - Movie for guys who like movies. Extreme action and violence. My wife liked it, too. For one Scottish reason...

MY SISTER'S KEEPER - (Sniff) No...(sniff, sniff)...comment...(sniff, sniff, sniff)...

THE HANGOVER - Funny a$$ $hit!! Best comedy in awhile. That Korean dude stole the show. And the fat guy. And Mike Tyson...

THE BOX - "What's in the box??!!" (Use Brad Pitt SEVEN voice). Or watch SEVEN instead...

THIS IS IT - BLACK OR WHITE or even Asian, you're gonna love this movie!! A musical THRILLER like no other. MJ's a BAD man!! Even if he was trying to HEAL THE WORLD of child molestation by JAMming his DIRTY DIANA down some PYT's...

NINJA ASSASSIN - If Quentin Tarantino was Korean and directed THE MATRIX, this is what you would get...

THE LOVELY BONES - Better than the book...especially since I didn't read it...

THE BLIND SIDE - Kept thinking that Sandra Bullock's a$$ looked like J Lo's when it made its debut in SELENA. Great movie, nonetheless...

JENNIFER'S BODY - GREATEST...(Megan)...MOVIE...(Fox)...EVER...(is in)...MADE!!! (this)...

AVATAR - La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...I saw the SMURFS...

PRECIOUS - Black movies are hardcore. And I'm not talking about porn. Like a Tyler Perry movie on steroids. Mariah Carey acts better when she's ugly. Or maybe I just notice her acting more when she's not showing us her MUSIC BOX...

EDGE OF DARKNESS - What Mel wants to do to his wives...

UP IN THE AIR - All joking aside, excellent movie. If I were a critic, this is the one I'd recommend to seem smart...

THE BOOK OF ELI - Typical Denzel. Mila Kunis is clearly of age to take her clothes off now...

PERCY JACKSON: THE LIGHTNING THIEF - Poor man's HARRY POTTER. Flashbacked to learning Greek mythology at the greatest school in the world, THE KAMEHAMEHA SCHOOLS...

MOTHER - Weird enough that Blake and Pat would love this movie. Asians make creepy $hit. What's wrong with you yellow people?

KICK-ASS - Loved this movie. Especially the little girl. Inappropriate, yet clever. Give it a chance...

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE - Surprisingly better when you watch it with your boys in a secure heterosexual way. 80's references are priceless...

THE BOUNTY HUNTER - I liked it. Not great, but good enough. Anniston's getting old. Reminds me of our Disneyworld trip...

THE LAST SONG - Not bad. Watching it with your Wifey count as being romantic?

DATE NIGHT - Best short, light comedy I've seen in awhile. Must-rent if you're always busy. Great chemistry...

WHY DID I GET MARRIED, TOO? - Don't know why either. Nah, just kidding. Basic Tyler Perry formula...

CHLOE - Lesbian romp that my beautiful wife wanted to rent. Who am I to stop her?

THE KARATE KID - Japanese, Chinese...it don't matter to me. I love all girls...I mean, movies like this...

Break's almost over. Keep the balcony closed. See you at the movies...

The Princess and the Frog

2009-12-30T20:17:00.004-10:00

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG - Kawai's Xmas gift pick. Disney affirmative action movie focusing on New Orleans instead of those lazy Hawaiians (LILO AND STITCH). Wasn't bad. Wasn't good either. At times, I felt like I was sitting and watching my Wifey play ball against all them Hickam Amazon sistahs, and all their husbands were cheering them on and speaking in a language unfamiliar to most non-Blacks. I felt like I was at a family barbecue...in POETIC JUSTICE. Hilarious stuff. Nah, in all seriousness, the movie was okay and had its moments, but I don't know how kids enjoyed it very much. Definitely, an original, more colorful (sorry) take on the original fairy tale story. Whatever you think this fairy tale should look like, just visualize it in a swamp with Lil' Wayne rapping, and you have this movie. Gotta give Disney credit for swinging for the fences on this one...

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKQUEL - Better than the above movie only because it made us laugh more. Felt like I've seen this before. Let me see...THREE STOOGES? No. Let me think...oh, I know. Reminds me of that one show where that bitchy blonde girl was left with 8 rugrats 'cause their Korean daddy needed to diddle the plastic surgeon's daughter. Aaden, Joel, and Collin. Yeah, that's it. What always amazes me is that no matter how irritating their voices are, the three-part harmony is perfect. My parents used to play the Chipmunks' Christmas album every year. Don't ask me why. I miss those days. This was Kahia's Xmas pick, so they both already used up their personalized Xmas coupons made by their hot, creative mommy. In the movie, they also introduced this new, all-girl chipmunk group called "Chippendales" or something like that. Trying to pile on the cutesy, I guess. Worked for Kahia. I think he was checking them out...

More movies coming. I know you can't wait...

A Perfect Getaway

2009-12-30T19:41:00.003-10:00

IMAGINE THAT - Eddie Murphy at his Disney best. Funny how all the smart actors hit the family movies hard 'cause that's where the money is. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson seems to be doing it with a passion lately. Pu$$y. Just kidding. Imagine That was your basic cutesy, father-learns-to-spend-time-with-daughter movie that worked surprisingly well. The black girl was cute, so that helped. No, I'm not saying that black girls aren't cute. Stop being racist, you monkey! Eddie danced and sang his way through it and we got that usual Disney moral at the end of the story. Pretty good family movie. Clean, in fact. Can't believe he made RAW and DELIRIOUS...

EXTRACT - Dysfunctional comedy starring Ben Affleck, Mila Kunis, and Jason Bateman. Pretty amusing. We like this kinda offbeat movie, though. Mila Kunis is kinda growing on me. Or maybe something's just growing in my pants. I think the guy who did OFFICE SPACE did this, so however you felt about that is how you should judge this movie...

DISTRICT 9 - Holy $hit!! I usually don't like sci-fi movies like Deena's dad, but this one was the $hit! In fact, that might've been the most entertaining, well-made, original sci-fi movie I've ever seen! I can see why critics liked it. I can see why a lot of people flocked to watch it. Excellent movie. Thoughtful concept. We recommend it. Very, very interesting, to say the least. Definitely worth the time to watch it...

BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF - That Asianish IRON CHEF "Ala Cuisine!!" host was one of the main characters. That should have been a dead giveaway as to how good the movie was gonna be. The movie was quite long and in subtitles, so we were hoping for the best. Boy, were we disappointed. Payoff in the end was definitely not worth it. Kung Fu was weak. Special effects were ever worse. No food. The wolf seemed straight out of THE VILLAGE. Girl wasn't even cute. How dare they!! Don't know why it was rated so high by a lot of people. Maybe the French invaded all the reviews. Maybe Iron Chef has its influence everywhere...

A PERFECT GETAWAY - If you're on that one-movie plan, rent this movie! Okay, maybe not. Too much responsibility, if it bombs. But it won't. Seriously, one of the better movies we've seen in awhile. Plus, it was in Hawaii. A perfect beach thriller with all the right suspense, just enough humor, and even a fitting less-than-two-hours time duration on it. The less I tell you the better. Want to get away? Rent this movie!! We highly recommend this one for all you thriller-lovers...

Breaks over. Lingle sucks butchy a$$. Happy New Year!!

Angels and Demons

2009-12-30T19:40:00.001-10:00

ANGELS AND DEMONS - Maybe we're just suckers for conspiracy and the provocative, but we liked this movie. All this historical fiction stuff seems believable enough to us. How can somebody just make ALL of this stuff up? Not to be all blasphemous, but isn't his stuff just like religion itself where the believers believe and the non-believers don't? About as good or better than the first Dan Brown-adapted movie. Kept our attention. Intriguing. Entertaining. Reading his new book now...

FUNNY PEOPLE - I'm beginning to think that Adam Sandler is smarter than he is goofy. I always like his movies. Well, for the most part. I actually think that he's a better actor than people give him credit for. His acting ability and charisma is what separates him from, say, Chris Rock. I find Leslie Mann (Apatow's wife) to be somewhat attractive. Yeah, I have a thing for smart, funny, attractive women. Check my wife. Seth Rogen was in this. Hilarious and endearing, as usual. And slimmer. Eric Bana was there for his accent and eye candy for the women. He was surprisingly pretty funny, too. That funny, fat White guy with the afro was in it, too. He's been everywhere lately. All in all, the usual Apatow formula. Dysfunction, raunch, humor, and heart. We like that mix. Probably live that mix...

OBSERVE AND REPORT - Seth Rogen and Anna Faris and her big t!tt!es. Couldn't help but notice them. I was a bit offended. Okay, not really. She sounds and looks like someone who works at our school. Hmmm... This movie was a kinda sick, dark comedy. And so, of course, I liked it. It was like PAUL BLART: MALL COP on steroids. The kinda movie where you can't believe they actually said "this and that" there or beat the $hit outta this person in that scene or threw in an over-the-top raunchy moment right in the middle of this scene. Obviously, unpredictability is my cup of tea, so I enjoyed this one. If you don't drink tea and only like to teabag, (hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr!) you might wanna stay clear of this one, though...

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2 - Sooooooo gooooooood that everyone fell asleep, except me. Interesting learning a little bit about history, but not as good as the first one. More known actors involved. I kinda like Amy Adams' acting. Some funny parts, but I can't see how this is a kids' movie. Probably why they fell asleep. Felt like I was watching TRANSFORMERS 2 where they busted out even more new characters to spice it up, but then the audience has too many people to keep track of, which actually waters down the movie a bit. Or maybe I'm just retarded. They sure could've used Megan Fox, though. Maybe as Cleopatra or Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand ships. Just dropping some knowledge on you. That's how I roll...

THE COVE - This was a documentary about them sneaky Nips who actually have a secret cove in a small, out-in-the-boonies town where they slaughter dolphins by the thousands (not exaggerating) to make money for their country. Crazy disturbing to the point where you're wondering how they get away with this $hit. This one Flipper dude has been trying for years to put a stop to this madness to no avail. Greed makes people turn the other way, I guess. One of the better documentaries I've seen in awhile. Those sneaky Nips. Better check your Genki Sushi...

Pretty good movies this time around. Gotta make use of my Furlough Fridays...

New Moon

2009-11-22T00:03:00.004-10:00

THE UGLY TRUTH - My kinda movie. Romantic comedy that brutally talks about relationship truths. Men are from Mars, Girls are from their anus. We really enjoyed this one. Katherine Heigl is attractive in a whole-package kinda way. Gerard Butler is one cool dude. He's like the White Will Smith. His character was classic. Similar to HITCH now that I think of it. Kinda. Although the movie's pretty predictable, the ride's still pretty entertaining and fun. Great date movie. Great date with the Wifey...

BRUNO - Like BORAT, but believe it or not, more crudeness and awkwardly funny sex scenes. The guy's a genius. Really pushes the envelope of comedy. Gotta really wonder how real it is. Basically, fun to watch because the joke's really on the people that are actually in the movie. Found myself cracking up throughout. How does he not get his a$$ kicked?

STAR TREK - This ain't yo Daddy's Star Trek!! Really? But, did you see STAR WARS? Then, you've seen this movie, too...

NEW MOON - First of all, the movie wasn't that bad. Was it as good as the first one? About the same, I guess. Menage a trois romance gift-wrapped in some bestiality action. Entertaining enough, I suppose. What I couldn't stand about the movie was the cheesy, breathy dialogue. You know when actors try doing that sexy voice all breathing down each other's necks like that's supposed to project passion and restraint all rolled into one? I find that ridiculously funny most of the time. Who talks like that? They don't even do that in porn. Or so I've heard. Every scene with that slut and either guy reminded me of every Queen Amidala/Anakin Skywalker scene in ATTACK OF THE CLONES. The writer should be shot. Also, the Cullens' dad looks like Corey Feldman and Tom Cruise's love child. And also, my wife's a perv for checking out that underaged lupine. And furthermore, the real appeal of the TWILIGHT series is that all girls want to have two guys at the same time. And finally, a Mormon had to write these books 'cause only they could understand the yearning and longing associated with not ooofing and the implications of polygamy...

DISTRICT B13 - Some ignorant, illiterate guy who works with delinquents at our school recommended this to me and it was surprisingly pretty damn good. I was impressed. And, the movie wasn't that long either. If you took Matt Damon from the BOURNE series and taught him some Jackie Chan street stunts, you'd get an idea of the stylized action in this film. Amazing stuff. Felt like I was watching ONG BAK with French guys in it. Even the story was pretty original. Could see them really doing this kinda sketchy stuff in the future. They should do it now. Drop a bomb on certain areas to save everybody else. It was like a kung fu movie with no Asians. I guess it was like a better Steven Seagal movie with graceful runners...

Wow. Been watching some damn good movies lately. Think I got Netflix all figured out. Gotta keep 'em coming. That's what she said...

Where the Wild Things Are

2009-11-07T11:41:00.008-10:00

G.I. JOE: RISE OF THE COBRA - This movie sucked some major a$$!! And now that you know, knowing is half the battle. Don't watch this $hitty-a$$ movie. I don't think I've ever seen a blockbuster movie this bad. At least TRANSFORMERS 2 had Megan Fox to save it...

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE - This movie was...well, let's say, "different". I liked it. Deena loooooovvvvved it. The kids were laughing AND crying throughout. Pretty interesting movie. I've never read the kids book, so I can't compare, but the movie was entertaining, deep, and somewhat strange. The only negative parts were in the middle where I couldn't figure out where the story was going or what lesson they were trying to teach the kids. In fact, this is where I was kinda disturbed because there were so many kids in attendance. I wouldn't necessarily classify this as a kids movie. Too deep. Too violent, at times. A lot of wild, misbehaving going on. Check the title. The furry animals appeal to little kids and the heartwarming story will make them cry, but the journey might be a little too much for their little brains to wrap around. Nevertheless, everybody liked it. They damn well better for the price we paid to watch it in the theaters...

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123 - Alas, an excellent, caperish, thriller movie. Two accomplished actors. Intriguing plot. Add NY as the backdrop. Mix. Stir. Shake. Blend. Everybody goes home happy. Does Denzel ever make a bad movie? Wifey liked Travolta's bad-boy look. He should thank Quentin Tarantino for his career. Have you ever seen Denzel's wife? Seriously, rent this one. Solid, entertaining movie...

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY - $hhhhhhiiiiiiiiiittttttt!!!! Hey, why don't you guys all give me $7, and then, I'll take it, wipe my a$$ with it, rip it up, and flush it down the toilet. Sorry, guys. My bad. Thought it would be scarier. Thought it would be more entertaining. Thought you guys wouldn't get sick. I didn't know this was a comedy. I've been more afraid walking outside to take out the trash at night. I've been more afraid waking up in the middle of the night to take a piss. I've been more afraid going to work each day dealing with stupid kids. I think the real, scary thing is how much money this guy made taking his homemade video to the big screen...

IP MAN - Great movie. Wow. Hard to breathe life into an overdone genre, but this movie succeeds in doing so. Thanks, Leish! Excellent fighting sequences. I felt like Steven Seagal crashed some Wing Chun party, but thankfully didn't run. Threw in some Sino-Japanese history in the second half. Do the Chinese have an inferiority complex? Bruce Lee always had to kick some Nip a$$ in his movies, too, right? Donnie Yen is like the Rajon Rondo of Chinese martial artists. No matter what, can't break into the top three or four. This movie was so good, I'd watch it again. Got any more like that, Leish?

They should make a movie on how stupid kids are nowadays. They should make a movie on the deterioration of society and how the world is going to $hit. They should make a movie on how kids feel entitled, and how they feel we don't help them at all because we expect them to actually do things for themselves once in awhile. Lezzie Lingle should star in it and they can start filming in my classroom on Furlough Fridays...

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

2009-11-07T11:34:00.007-10:00

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN - Cue Megan Fox. Bend over. Show some cleavage. Bat your eyelashes. Lick your lips. Use your sexy voice. Toss your hair around. Toss your salad. And...have some heavy machinery run and explode around her. Good enough for me...

X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE - I liked this movie. Something about seeing superheroes fight and learning a little about their background always gets my attention. If only Megan Fox could've been in it...

ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS - Watched this with Lil' Miss Kawai. (Kahia was too busy UFC-fighting his mom about his homework.) She was laughing throughout. And telling me she's feeling like she's watching the movie all alone because, heaven forbid, I DON'T like to talk while I'm busy trying to WATCH a movie. Like the other Ice Age movies were, this one was good and cutesy, too. Watch it with Kawai's narration, and it'll seem a little funnier, too...

ASTRO BOY - Date with Kawai. Other than the fact that she liked the movie, this movie was terrible. Felt like I was watching a space-age PINNOCHIO. Or an animated A.I. Must be spoiled with too many Pixar flicks. Ice Age might've spoiled me, too. On a side note, Kawai had to go to the bathroom three times in five minutes at the theater 'cause she's a liar-liar-pants-on-fire...

HALLOWEEN - Yup, the original. Watched it on, yup, Halloween. Didn't seem as scary as when I was younger. Didn't watch the whole thing 'till now. Sure had a lot of teenagers trying to ooof in this one. Except Jamie Lee Curtis. That's where they went wrong. Believe it or not, wouldn't mind watching all the Halloween's eventually...

Check out all the colon'd movies above. What a coincidence. Probably need a colonoscopy on my next birthday. What a coincidence...

Fighting

2009-10-15T20:28:00.005-10:00

OLDBOY - Finally completed the f@cked-up Korean revenge trilogy (LADY VENGEANCE, SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE). This one might've been the craziest. Twisted $hit!! Yes, I still liked it. Yes, I found it disturbing, but couldn't turn away. And yes, can't wait for this guy's next movie...

WILLOW - Had to take one on the chin for the kids. Had to watch Val Kilmer when he was young. Had to watch some midget who looked like Verne Troyer when he was young. Felt like I was watching PRINCESS BRIDE...except that it was pretty good...

FIGHTING - Terrence Howard. Channing Tatum. Kolohe Slice. Street fighting film to take advantage of MMA's popularity now. Actually, not bad. Channing Tatum film to take advantage of my wife. She'd like that. Have to say that other than Joe-Joe 1/2Man, 1/2Amazing, he's probably the go-to White guy right now in terms of hip, Wigga movies...

DRAG ME TO HELL - What a letdown. Critics said this movie was supposed to be good and scary. We found it pretty boring and predictable. It was so $hitty, my wife didn't get scared at all. No arm-grabbing, cuddling foreplay for me. Boo!

LAND OF THE LOST - This might've been, perhaps, one of the $hittiest movies I've seen, like, EVER!! Wow. Will Ferrell and Danny McBride had their moments. The unknown female lead even had a pretty passable, nice body, but yet, it still sucked some major a$$! Sometimes you gotta wonder if directors are smoking some crack while they're editing the movie...

Short and sweet. Seen a lot of movies lately. More to come...

The Last House on the Left

2009-10-04T21:59:00.000-10:00

SYMPATHY FOR MR. VENGEANCE - Crazy kim chee Korean movie about revenge. Pretty sick, but somehow entertaining stuff. I often wonder how people can be so demented. Kinda scary. Any one of those meat jun-selling Yobos could whip out a knife and stab you in the eye. I actually think that the moral of this movie was that seeking revenge against somebody isn't all that it's cut out to be. Not only was the violence crazy, but there was a sex scene which kinda turned me on...I mean, off. Can't fault this movie for taking vengeance to a whole new sick level...

LADY VENGEANCE - Guess who directed this crazy-a$$ movie? You guessed it. Same 'ol Daniel Dae Kim-ish dude. Check the review above. And you thought the last movie was sick. This is like a sequel, but not really. Same theme. Same director. The final installment of his revenge trilogy. OLDBOY is the middle one that I haven't seen yet. I heard that it's the nastiest one of the three. Anyway, Lady Vengeance upped the SAW factor that was introduced in the first movie. Again, I don't know how this guy comes up with this stuff. The messed-up thing is I know some of these ideas exist in the back, dark recesses of everyone's minds. You sick f@cks!! I know if I feel cheated, I sometimes want justice in the worst way. Just saying. I highly recommend both movies...

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT - What's wrong with us? We might as well go watch a stoning. Another sick, horror flick. Another guilty pleasure. Hey...this movie was about revenge, too. Didn't mean to go on a revenge binge. Just happened that way. Who's offended me lately? Better watch your a$$!! Great movie. The kind where you're a little embarrassed cheering for the heroes to kill the bad guys. What's wrong with cheering for the good guys, right? Scary thing is that what happens in this movie could happen to anybody. Might've been even based on a true story. I can't remember. Another recommend for the truly perverse...

ADVENTURELAND - Ryan Reynolds. That TWILIGHT girl was in it, too. A coming-of-age 80's movie about growing up, dating, rumors, and what happens when you hang out with and ooof the people that you work with. This was an independent flick, and I loved the whole vibe of it. Feels like what really goes on when you start working in your teenage/college years. The whole theme park atmosphere was a plus, too. You get the whole back-story on some of the characters, which makes you realize that, like in real life, you never know what the hell's going on in someone's life that makes them the way they are. Once in awhile, gotta go for the mature, artsy, character-study flick. And this one was smart and funny to boot...

I LOVE YOU, MAN - Beautiful was laughing her a$$ off at this one. Paul Rudd. Jason Segel (the hilarious guy with the frontal nudity in FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL). Rashida Jones (who my wife had to, for some reason, identify as Quincy Jones' daughter). It's about this guy who's getting married who doesn't really have any male friends. Rudd plays the part to perfection, complete with fake-male-machismo. Awkwardly, funny stuff. Ever thought how hard it would be to be a guys' guy if it didn't come naturally to you? I mean, without being like a full-blown f@g? I think that a lot of things guys take for granted that are unique to our gender are explored in this movie in a comedic way. Pretty humorous $hit. Had a good laugh. Had a good time with my wife. Light, entertaining movie. Very relaxing. The kind I like, but haven't seen in awhile...

All five movies were good. I give it a full fist up...your bush...power to the people...

Obsessed

2009-08-30T22:01:00.004-10:00

HOT FUZZ - Been watching a lot of British comedy lately, what with RUN, FATBOY, RUN and the HARRY POTTER movies tickling my fancy. That's what she said. Hot Fuzz stars the same witty Brit from the Fatboy movie, Simon Pegg. That guy's a hilarious chap. Maybe you won't think so, but that guy cracks me up for some reason. This movie's about an incorrigible, big-time city (London) cop who gets transferred to the countryside where there's absolutely no crime. That doesn't stop him from enforcing his brand of justice though. This is where the humor lies. An anal bobby with nothing to do? Well, alright, then. There's also a lot of cop-movie references that you'll find yourself chuckling at. Believe it or not, although this is definitely a comedy, it has a lot of heart-pounding action and graphic, bloody violence, especially towards the end. Give this movie a chance. I'm glad I did. Definitely one of those movies where, by the end, you'll be like, "that was pretty good..." A sleeper. Think SHAUN OF THE DEAD with cops and senior citizens. That is, if you've seen that movie. Also, good, by the way...

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU - Not feeling it. How can a movie with that many stars NOT be the best romantic comedy of all time? This is the New York Yankees of romantic comedies. Gotta admit though, I liked the Ben Affleck/Jennifer Aniston couple. And, of course, Scarlett Johansson looked good strutting her curvy self all over the big screen. She's kinda thick, in a good way. Jennifer Connelly somehow plays the nagging wife character pretty damn good, too. Other than that, that main character/narrator girl was irritating as hell. Who the hell would be into somebody that desperate and clueless? Not that I'm an expert, but most of the male stuff seemed pretty accurate. Maybe it was because I didn't seem all that interested in the little separate stories and how they all connected. I don't know. Something just didn't seem right. Not terrible. I just expected more, I guess. Maybe girls like this kinda movie. Seemed like I was watching a movie based on a Cosmo article...

FAST AND FURIOUS - They're baaaaaack! And all you ladies can wet your panties. Pretty much the same stuff as the original, but I still found it quite entertaining. They should've replaced Jordana Brewster with Megan Fox. Just to give the series some spice. Don't know what to say. If you like cars, racing, and Spanish people, this might be worth the rent. If you need any excuse to watch Vin Diesel and Paul Walker do their thing, you may count this as foreplay. Where the hell has Diesel been anyway? Working on THE PACIFIER 2? The problem with this type of movie is that the more spectacular the stunts are, the more unbelievable it gets. Then, all you've got is SPEED RACER on nitro. Sometimes, when I'm driving my Corolla, I feel like getting all fast and furious wanting to weave through that damn morning traffic. My lack of hubcaps severely handicaps my ability to Tokyo drift though. Hope this is the last movie. He'll probably Sly Stallone it and revisit his other movie franchises (XXX, PITCH BLACK)...

OBSESSED - Can you say, "MEEEEEOOOOOWW!!" Nothing better than an Oreo catfight!! Despite being pretty bashed by critics, this movie was pretty damn good. Onscreen hotties Ali Larter and Beyonce? Come on!! Can't turn down a movie like that. The only thing disappointing was that nobody took their clothes off. All that sexy lingerie and slinky dresses just to c@cktease. They might as well have had Jessica Alba in here, too. This movie, while predictable in genre, still managed to entertain us along the way. Reminded me of those FINAL DESTINATION movies where you know everybody's going to die, but it's how they die that grabs you and slams you on your a$$. Beyonce, in particular, plays ghetto better than Halle Berry does, in my humble opinion. Too bad she didn't go all MONSTER'S BALLs-out. Let's call this FATAL ATTRACTION with a sexier touch. Besides, who in their right mind would go after Glenn Close anyway?

THE MESSENGERS 2: THE SCARECROW - This movie may be the $hittiest movie I've seen in awhile. And, let me tell you, the $hitstack of movies pile really high in this house. I don't even know why I thought this sequel would be any good. I think I was just jonesing for a horror flick and just forced this one. The only thing fairly good about this movie was that they had some tig-ol-bitty girl showing her crops in the cornfield and later on, she got all busy with the main character for whatever reason. Half the time, I didn't even know what was going on. I just waited for that girl to come back onscreen. Oh yeah, and there was something about a scarecrow killing everybody going on. JEEPERS CREEPERS all of a sudden seems like the best horror movie ever made...

Okay. Been awhile. Back in school. Less time to watch movies. Maybe in my depressed, furloughed state I'll be watching more later...

The Haunting in Connecticut

2009-07-16T20:51:00.035-10:00

PUSH - Kind of X-Menish. However, kinda original, as well. Actually watching WATCHMEN next, which seems to be along these same superhero lines. Instead of really specific names, all these characters had general names like "watchers," "pushers," "screamers," "shadows," etc. Dakota Fanning was in this one trying to add to her pubescent movie roles. Djimon Hounsou was also in it for my wife's viewing pleasure. That FANTASTIC FOUR Torch dude was another main character. All in all, pretty entertaining movie. Any of the X-Men movies are better, of course. Couldn't figure out why Beautiful wanted to watch this movie and Watchmen. Weird, huh. Must be the almost-all-male superhero cast that she looks forward to. Sounds about right. They should make a hot, semi-porn superhero movie with an all-hottie cast. Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, etc. I'd pay to watch that. They can call it PUSH, PUSH, IN THE BUSH...

BLOOD WORK - Catchy title. You'll see. An old Clint Eastwood flick. Thought I'd give it a chance because of his recent movie classics. GRAN TORINO, MILLION DOLLAR BABY, CHANGELING. All good, right? This one was a little dated. First part was kinda slow. Middle started picking up and finally got a little more graphic and interesting. By the end, I thought it was not bad. Kinda clever. Only one problem though. You'll figure out who's the killer right from the start. If you're gonna have only one other famous person in your movie, you might not wanna make that person the killer. Actually, another problem was that he inexplicably ooofed this Latino girl towards the ending of the movie out of leftfield. Director's benefit, I guess. His Viagra dosage probably didn't wear off yet. Seems like he was still developing his directing style in this one. Still, a pretty good thriller if you got time to kill. And already have HBO...

THE NAMESAKE - An Indian (7-11) movie about coming to America, but not losing your cultural identity. Kinda deep and heartfelt, I guess. Problem is, I'm not Indian. I just feel like drinking a slurpee. Kal Penn (Kumar) had the starring role. He's gotta be Bollywood's go-to Indian guy. If SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE and COMING TO AMERICA were a combo-documentary, it might look like this. I imagine many young, foreign people have this problem when they travel abroad and try to take advantage of opportunities not given to their ancestors. Wish more Hawaiians had this problem instead of being satisfied with living on the beach or invading Iolani Palace. How do you become a more well-rounded individual without losing your cultural identity? I would suspect that your racial lines become blurred the more you progress as a human being. What? Huh? You think my wife's Asian? No!! She's a confused mix of Hawaiian, White, and sometimes, even Black. She's Koa Woods...

EVERYONE'S HERO - Free movies at Dole Theaters!! Until you buy their outrageously priced snacks...that Da Lil' Manongs are going to end up wasting anyway. This animated baseball cartoon movie was okay, I guess. I actually slept about 3 or 4 times during the movie. That's how good it was. All I know is that if you were wondering whether or not you should have kids, go to Dole on Tuesdays, and I guarantee you you'll tie your tubes. Kinda hard to comment on any animated movie that's not Pixar. Or Dreamworks. Yeah, I've become a animated movie snob. That's what happens when you have kids that watch the same damn movie over and over and over and over. Kids enjoyed themselves (I think?), so that's all that matters...

THE HAUNTING IN CONNECTICUT - Starring no one worth mentioning. Seen the preview of this? Looked scary as hell, right? Based on THE true story. Not A true story. Anyway, to be honest, there were some jump-outta-your-seat-$hit-in-your-pants moments. You know, turn around, scary guy right there, cue the loud music kinda stuff. Kinda repetitive though. And not to be all Academy Awards, but the acting, I thought, was terrible. Beautiful liked the true story of it all. I guess when you accept that this stuff actually happened, it is kinda crazy. I wanted more though. Scare me throughout instead of making me laugh and anticipate when something's obviously coming. I want to be scared so much that I'm thinking about it all through the night. I want to be afraid to leave my bed to go piss in the middle of the night. Nah, knock on wood. I just want to be entertained a little bit. I'd have to say that this was an overhyped movie. Unless you're not used to scary movies, then you might wanna rent this one 'cause it might scare you more than it did us. Here's a tip: don't watch scary movies with a fan blowing. The constant sound, to me, made the scary parts not as scary. How many times have I used the word "scary"? Turn off the lights, absolute silence, that probably would've been better. Couldn't help that it was damn hot last night though...

School's starting in a bit. That kinda sucks some major a$$. Netflix to the very end...

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

2009-07-16T20:45:00.000-10:00

Anybody actually read this junk? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?

KNOWING - I be Knowing one thing. This movie was the shizzle until the very end. You gotta wonder how certain endings get approved. Reminded me of HANCOCK. Who the hell goes, "...and then we'll end with THIS!!"?? As far as sci-fi movies go, this one was damn good...until that Hollywood-crap ending. Also, had a little horror-suspense feel to it that we enjoyed. Nic Cage was his usual quirky self. Creepy apocalyptic concept. Great movie. Terrible ending...

THE UNBORN - Not bad. You've probably seen the preview and thought it would be good. We definitely got sucked in, but thought it would be better. Some somewhat scary parts. Maybe half a Hershey's squirt in my pants. They had a Megan Fox knockoff in this movie who always seemed to be walking around in some "cheekies." Perfect casting, if you ask me. Should've been scarier though. And she should've worn a thong...

MONGOL - Movie about the life of Genghis Khan before he created his empire. Pretty interesting. Beats watching a boring-a$$ documentary in Social Studies class. Cinematography was excellent. Don't all Asianish movies have beautiful scenery to look at? Felt like I was watching BRAVEHEART with Mongols. Gruesome fighting. Blood spurting everywhere. Definitely, a guys' movie. Apparently, proves the theory that guys do amazing things for their woman. It received some high ratings and I'd have to agree with them...

FRED CLAUS - Christmas in July! I don't know what the hell made me watch this movie, but I was pleasantly surprised. Vince Vaughn, Paul Giamatti, Kevin Spacey, Kathy Bates, Rachel Weisz, Elizabeth Banks, and Luda might've had something to do with it. Is it me or does Vince Vaughn always seem to be winging all his lines in every movie? They probably just roll the camera and let him go nuts. Can't believe he was in PSYCHO. Good family movie. Problem is, I was watching it all by myself. It was like ELF with heart minus the silly Will Ferrell antics...

HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOOD PRINCE - Guess who the half-blood prince is? Sssssss...like I would tell you. Okay, I don't know what all you bibliophiles think, but I thought the movie was pretty damn good. Cool effects. More adult-like violence. Cutesy love dodecahedrons here and there. I wonder what it's like growing up on a movie set? You think they all "first kiss" on set, too? Weird, huh. Anyway, the best praise I can give this movie is that it made me kinda wanna read the books. Kinda. The movies take so long to come out that I always forget who's who. I always try to remember my questions for after the movie and run it by my Slytherin wife. Despite all the hype, I'm always pretty satisfied watching the movies. Of course, that may be because I've never read any of the books. The whole Harry Potter world is pretty genius and profitable...

Summer's winding down. Probably get depressed and watch even more movies during the remaining time...

The Proposal

2009-07-07T10:26:00.000-10:00

More movies...

RUN, FATBOY, RUN - Hottie Thandie Newton, surprisingly buff, quirky Hank Azaria, and the hilarious Simon Pegg. I think Ross from FRIENDS directed this movie. Believe it or not, this movie was superb. Just felt like using that adjective. But really though, this movie was hilarious. Pegg's like the British Ben Stiller. Always playing the underdog common man who gets $hit on through the entire movie for our entertainment. He was good in SHAUN OF THE DEAD, too. Ever notice that Azaria plays oddball characters? Ever notice he's buff? Of course, I noticed Thandie Newton a lot more, but I'm just saying. A great movie about winning back the girl of your dreams. I was practically laughing during the whole movie...

MURDER BY NUMBERS - Sandra Bullock and Ryan Gosling before he was famous. Old movie, but I'd thought I'd watch it 'cause I just saw THE PROPOSAL and felt like giving Bullock more chances when she was young and spry. Not bad of a movie. Bullock played that exact same hard-nosed detective character she played in MISS CONGENIALITY before she transformed into the beauty queen. It was kinda weird to see her like that. She was all trying to jump her partner's bones throughout. That part I didn't mind, of course. You think most guys would rather hang with a girl like Bullock or someone like Megan Fox? This movie seemed eerily similar to some story I've either read about or heard on the news. Couldn't quite place it, but it seemed based on a true story. Not bad. Not great...

THE KINGDOM - Now this movie was the bomb!! And I'm not just saying it 'cause it was a movie about terrorism. Jamie Foxx definitely don't make $hitty movies anymore. Jennifer Garner, Chris Cooper, and Jason Bateman co-starred. Lots of action and real-world relevance. For some reason, I felt like I was watching TRAFFIC, except it was about oil, terrorists, and Saudi Arabia. Usually, I can't stand this type of movie, but this one was interesting. Great ensemble acting. Explosive action. Riveting suspense. Jason Bateman always makes the most of his minor roles (HANCOCK, JUNO). Garner has this one scene where she goes all ALIAS on this one guy and terrorizes his a$$. I bet she can kick Ben Affleck's a$$ in real life. Excellent movie. Go rent it...

VANTAGE POINT - Dennis Quaid, Forest Whitaker, and Jack from LOST. Haole RASHOMON-style movie about the assassination of the president. Kinda cool, I guess. A bit overrated. A bit irritating to wait for the culmination of points of view. Is it me or does Forest Whitaker look like a Black Chunk from GOONIES? I don't know why, but he seemed to be overacting the whole movie. But then again, he has won an Oscar, so what do I know. Okay movie. They should make a porn movie in Rashomon-style. That would be interesting. Don't steal my idea...

THE PROPOSAL - If you're going on a date with your woman (or man), and you're going to have to dish out all that money anyway at the theaters, you might as well watch this movie. Can't go wrong. Your girl will appreciate it. You'll score some points. And, you'll be rolling the entire time. That's the part I didn't expect. Was actually a lot funnier than I expected. Ryan Reynolds is the next superstar, I think, if he isn't already. That guy has impeccable comedic timing and delivery. I found myself just laughing at his facial expressions. We saw this movie with the Halfmanns, which was a bonus. Yeah, they like us better than the rest of you guys. One of the better romantic comedies I've seen in awhile. Take your soulmate to this movie. You might even get lucky...

Okay, back to the MJ memorial. That, in itself, could probably be a blockbuster movie...

Friday the 13th

2009-07-03T22:58:00.002-10:00

I watched a $hitload of movies, but didn't feel like blogging about it 'til now...

VAN WILDER - Starring Hollywood's "IT" guy of the moment, Ryan Reynolds. Old party movie, I know. Tara Reid and Kal Penn were in it, too. Kal Penn's Punjabi accent was hilarious. Or was that his real native accent? Anyway, you can see the early days of an undeniable star even if this movie wasn't exactly Oscar-worthy. Lot of nudity though, so obviously worth the rent...

THE GUARDIAN - Gotta admit, despite starring Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher (playing a serious role for once), this movie was surprisingly good. Damn good, even. It's like TOP GUN in the water. About Coast Guard divers saving lives. The ocean scenes put you right there with the drowning. Almost like watching a sports movie where you're all inspired and rooting for the main characters feeling the bonding of humanity. Huh? What? Seriously, give it a chance. It's in Netflix's Top 100, so you know it has to be good. Pleasantly surprised to the point of almost wanting to watch MEN OF HONOR. Almost...

NOTORIOUS - No-no-no-notorious!! The biopic of Biggie Smalls AKA Notorious B.I.G. Obviously, you gotta like rap music to like this movie. I enjoyed it. Loved the music. Loved the background portrayals of Biggie, Diddy, and even Lil' Kim. One thing you gotta love about Big...he has to be the most successful cockeyed fatty ever!! Wasn't given any advantages in life and he still made it! Impressive. Not only could he rap, he was tappin' all dat a$$!! Incredible...

QUANTUM OF SOLACE - Sequel to CASINO ROYALE. Similar to the BOURNE series. I still enjoyed it very much even though critics blasted this movie for abandoning the Bond formula. He still kicked a$$. He still got the ladies. He still escaped every car chase and explosion. What's not to like? If you like action, this is where it's at. Somehow, though, I always get lost in the story. Must be old age...

FRIDAY THE 13TH - The remake of the original. Probably not as scary, but we still liked it and $hit in our pants. Nah, only my wife did. Don't you like how camping always means that you're going to die f@cking? I guess that's the way I'd prefer to leave this world, too. If you gotta go, you might as well get in one last ooof. The only noticeable difference to me was that Jason was actually running around in this movie instead of doing that slow motion stalking where he goes really slow, but somehow keeps up with all the victims running away. If some crazy guy had a machete and a hockey mask on, wouldn't you think that camping in the same vicinity is a bad idea? Just a thought...

More to come. Gotta go do what all them Friday the 13th couples were doing minus the machete in the back...

Madea Goes to Jail

2009-06-21T13:49:00.002-10:00

Here's the next five movies. In case anyone cares...

CHOCOLATE - No, not the boring one with Johnny Depp. This one was a lot more interesting. It was about an autistic SPED girl whose one RAINMAN talent was being able to imitate some Muay Thai martial arts. Yup. She kicked some serious a$$, too. Who says SPED kids can't be successful? Watch them in their element...

THE LAST DRAGON - Yup, just seen it now. Was kinda worth the wait. Sho 'Nuff!! Nothing better than kick-a$$ kung fu and cheesy, 80's dialogue. And that Vanity? Looking like Halle Berry? She should be in more movies. Like MONSTER'S BALL 2: FIST OF SPICY TUNA...

HOTEL FOR DOGS - Cutesy movie only 'cause a cutesy narrator was watching the movie with me. Made sure to tell me when the good parts were coming up. Made sure to tell me all the dogs' names. Made sure I pronounced "Georgia" right. "It's GEEorgia. Not Jorja..." I find that quizzing a five-year-old during a lame, kiddie movie actually makes it more enjoyable to watch...

SHINOBI: HEART UNDER BLADE - Sense a theme here? This was like X-MEN meets ROMEO AND JULIET meets TWILIGHT. A ninja movie with all of the ninjas having special powers. Two characters actually seemed stolen from the X-men. Liked it, nonetheless. The action, while over-the-top at times, entertained me enough. Nothing wrong with fake fighting. Ask Hulk Hogan and the Rock...

MADEA GOES TO JAIL - What more can we say about Tyler Perry? Sometimes, his movies are hit or miss, but when he does get a hit, that $hit be flying outta the park, yo!! This one's definitely a hit. A triple, at least. He has a knack for combining irreverent humor, awkwardly real issues with real emotions, and a preacher's message with heart. Basically, the kinda movie Black people like to yell and scream at at your local theaters. Nothing wrong with that...as long as I get to watch the DVD in the privacy and safety of my own home. If you like his previous stuff, you might as well rent this one, too. Up there with his better batch of movies. Cook yourself a batch of chitlins...

BRB. LYLAS. KIT. Stay cool...

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

2009-06-17T10:29:00.003-10:00

Thought I would be watching better movies since summer started, but apparently, I'm like Kahia at a candy store, paralyzed by my indecision, choosing Twix when I probably really wanted to eat Snickers...

88 MINUTES - This little suspense thriller was actually pretty good. Al Pacino was in it. He's like David Caruso. I actually embrace their idiosyncrasies. Sounds gay, huh. Critics thrashed this movie, but I found it quite entertaining. 88 minutes to figure out who's killing everybody? What's not to like?

RISKY BUSINESS - Takin' it back to the old school. Before Tom Cruise was Tom Cruise. Huh? Didn't know this was a movie about ho-ing. Probably groundbreaking in the 80's. Kinda funny. Booger and Balki were in it. Rebecca DeMornay was the hooch. Good to see the origin of those Guitar Hero commercials...starring the one and only, Kobe "2009 World Champion" Bryant...

PROM NIGHT - Pretty good horror flick. For some reason, felt like I was watching an updated version of CARRIE. No-name actors. Corny story. Beautiful liked it. I thought it wasn't bad. Seen worse. Your basic stalker-chasing-around-some-teens movie. Like the genre and you'll probably like the movie...

ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA 2 - Okay, this movie sucked some Chun Wah Kam manapua a$$!! I don't get it at all. Yeah, the fighting may have been spectacular for its time. Yeah, Jet Li was in it. Anything else? I didn't enjoy it at all. Okay, maybe the fake-a$$ fighting. Other than that, the English translations were terrible. Laughable. Plus, didn't care for the history lesson. I'm Asian, but not that Asian. Like biting into a manapua and finding out that you're eating pussy...cat...

UNDERWORLD: RISE OF THE LYCANS - The prequel to all those hottie Kate Beckinsale vampire movies. With one exception...she wasn't in it!! They had a substitute hottie. She looked more vampish than Kate. And got down and dirty, unlike Kate. That's always a plus. Surprisingly, this was pretty good. Kept our attention. Doesn't take much, I guess. Maybe 'cause Wifey's part vampire and I'm full werewolf, we can relate...

Okay. Crappy movies. Need more quality as opposed to quantity. Too much spare time on my hands. $hitty movie viewing is inevitable. Where's all the summer blockbusters?

Up

2009-06-08T18:53:00.003-10:00

Saw these movies this week. The movies should be flowing now that summer's here...

PAUL BLART: MALL COP - Pretty funny, though a tad bit overrated. The kids watched it about 4 times. They could even quote some of the parts. A five-year-old and seven-year-old doing an Indian accent? Funny stuff. Light movie to watch if you're in a bad mood. Though it had its moments, we weren't dying laughing or anything like that...

CASINO ROYALE - Wow!! I hate James Bond, but I loved this movie. This definitely ain't your daddy's James Bond. It's supposed to be before he got all sophisticated and debonair. He was all raw, didn't give a $hit, and was kicking some serious a$$. Seems 007 was a loose cannon and almost didn't become the special agent Fuj knows and loves today. Felt more like the Jason Bourne series, especially the fight sequences. The action's kick a$$. The story was a bit complicated to follow. Didn't matter. Just the fact that Bond was pretty much going crazy and ignoring his boss was entertaining enough for me...

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD - This movie was critically acclaimed...so, of course, it sucked some major a$$. First half of the movie was extremely boring. Last 45 minutes was the payoff, but if you come to our house and watch me and Deena fight every day, it'd be the same thing. In case you're wondering, Winslet did ooof AGAIN. A story about the difficulties of marriage. Depressing stuff, really. Guess the appeal of it is its realism...

SHUTTER - Some Americanized remake of a Thai horror classic. ME NO LOVE YOU LONG TIME!! It was okay, I guess. I'd rather watch a girl with a ping pong, but that's just me. Wifey liked it. I thought I was watching THE RING 3. Beautiful got scared. Of course, she gets scared when we watch any horror movie. I'm still waiting for the next SIXTH SENSE type of scared-to-go-to-sleep movie to come along. Oh, well. At least we made use of our HBO On Demand. And there were enough Asian women running around in this movie to keep me interested...

UP - How can Pixar improve on perfection? With this movie!! Words cannot express how awesome this movie is. Action. Adventure. Comedy. Romance. You'll laugh your a$$ off. You'll drown in your own tears. For the kids and the adults. How the hell do the Pixar guys come up with this stuff? Wouldn't it be cool to sit in on their brainstorming sessions? Before I overhype it too much and ruin it, just go see it. You'll love it!! The best Pixar movie to date...

Alright. There it is. Here I come, Netflix!! So little time. So many movies to watch. Won't even have time to watch porn anymore...

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

2009-06-02T15:51:00.007-10:00

Summer, summer, summertime!! Yeah, booooeeeeeey!!! Now, we're gonna be watching all them summer blockbusters. NOT!! Too f@ckin' expensive. But I'm gonna hit up Netfilx like crazy, yo! Anyway, here's the latest:

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON - Nope. Not feeling it. Try FORREST GUMP meets BIG FISH meets SIMON BIRCH. I don't know. Great movie and all, but we just didn't care for it much. Like Cate Blanchett. Love Brad Pitt's wife. Maybe it's the aging backwards thing that we couldn't get over. Oh, well...

THE READER - Man, that Kate Winslet is a nympho. Ooofing onscreen like crazy! For someone who got criticized for being too "womanly," she sure don't give a $hit. I like it. Oh, and she can obviously act, too. Takes on all those dysfunctional roles. Gotta love her. This movie, even for me though, was a little too much. Hey, but it promotes literacy. And some other f@cked up ideals. Can't be too picky. Critics loved this movie. Probably why I didn't...

THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM - The long-awaited pairing of the Middle Kingdom's finest, Jet Li and Jackie Chan. As long as you don't expect this to be a serious flick, you'll be pleasantly surprised. We really liked it. So did the kids. It was more like an adventure/fantasy-type family movie complete with that Yuen Woo Ping wire-working kung fu. Lots of action and cool fighting scenes. Barely plausible story. Suspend your disbelief. But the fight choreography? Just beautiful. I recommend it...

PING PONG PLAYA - Now, this movie was the $hit!! Like breaking open a fortune cookie and finding...well...a hidden treasure...of a fortune... Anyway, you know what I mean. I don't know how the hell Joe-Joe "Brandon Lee" 1/2Man1/2Amazing found this movie, but it was damn good!! It's about a Chinese dude who acts Black and acts like he can ball, but somehow ends up taking over his parents' ping pong school. Trust me. It's hilarious. Like watching that one Yao Ming/Ron Artest interview. The wannabe hip-hop Chinaman lines in here were classic. We were rolling. It was so funny, I'll probably re-watch it again some time. ME LOVE THIS MOVIE LONG TIME!! I think Joe-Joe's an inside-out twinkie...or whatever the hell's white on the outside and yellow on the inside...

BABY MAMA - Tina Fey movie. With Amy Poehler and the rest of the SNL cast. We kinda liked this one. Kinda light. Kinda clever at times. Can't go wrong with Tina Fey. Blake liked her waaaaaay before the rest of the geeks. I think she's in his Top Five. Not saying it's the greatest comedy of all time, but if you want a movie quickie, this might be the one for you...

Alright. Have a good one. Nice and breezy today. Like sitting in AC in the theater. Yeah, right. Let the movie marathons begin!! It's SUMMERTIME!!!

Zack and Miri Make a Porno

2009-05-23T10:42:00.002-10:00

Gotta admit, I got this short-and-sweet movie review style by copping it from the one and only, James Patterson. Besides, haven't had time to $hit my thoughts on paper (or this blog) like I usually do. Anyway, a couple of reviews for your enjoyment...

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO - Directed by Kevin Smith. The original. Judd Apatow, you clone! Anyway, good mixture of raunch sauce and love juice. Seth Rogen was hilarious as usual. Don't be expecting porn. But you can expect the porn dialogue. Like real life, once they had sex, the movie went downhill. Anticlimactic, if you know what I mean. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr! Definitely a d!ck flick...or for girls who watch porn "for the story..."

THE LAZARUS PROJECT - Paul Walker. For my wife. Thought I could pass it off as foreplay, but even his smoldering presence couldn't save this train wreck of a movie. Dumbest movie I've seen in awhile. The least they could've done was let Jessica Alba stroll through the movie with a bikini on...searching for underwater treasure. Now that would've been a grrrrreeeeeaaaaaat movie!!

MY BLOODY VALENTINE - BOO!!!!! What a $hitty movie!! Could tell it was meant to be 3D 'cause objects would inexplicably be launched outward towards the screen. How many different ways can you kill someone with a pick axe? Not even scary. The Valentine's theme was sketchy at best. Don't you hate when the twist at the end has something to do with withheld information? "Ah, yeah...Booboo was the killer 'cause he (apparently) has Tourette's and his mom tries to keep him out of class so he doesn't have to do homework..." Huh? What? Hah? You mean you didn't see it coming...

I'm on a $hitty movie streak. Nah, but we got two best picture nominees, so it can only get better. Isn't Netflix the $hit?!! Bye, bye, Blockbuster...

Recent Movies

2009-05-12T18:36:00.003-10:00

More short-and-sweet movie reviews:

THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES - Chick flick...with a taste of honey. Boatloads of Black people and awkward-aged Dakota Fanning. You get to see how huge Alicia Keys' a$$ really is. Actually, not a bad movie if you have possession of this unnecessary thing called "emotions."

THE UNINVITED - Talk about overrated. Not the least bit scary. The story is played out and overdone. They tried a little M. Night Shamalamabingbang at the end, but it was pretty weak. The preview was actually better than the movie.

DRILLBIT TAYLOR - Light, bully movie with some heart. Owen Wilson was his normal kinda funny self. For some reason, I like Leslie Mann (Judd Apatow's wife). She's funny and kinda hot all rolled into one. Movie kinda drifted in and out, but it was okay. The kinda movie to watch just to take a break from life. Kinda used the word "kinda" too much.

THE WRESTLER - Pick of the litter. Intriguing character study about a washed-up WWF-type wrestler (Mickey Rourke) in love with an over-the-hill stripper (Marisa Tomei). Thought I was watching a documentary on Hulk Hogan. You actually find yourself sympathizing with the guy. Rourke was surprisingly convincing. Tomei was MILFishly delicious. Like dramas? Rent this one.

TAKEN - Thanks, Leish. Liked the concept. Liked the fighting. Couldn't get over the hump with old, saggy Liam Neeson easily kicking everyone's a$$. Plus, his Qui-Gon Jinn/Aslan voice spewing out Confucius' sayings before and after each beatdown was killing me. Remember that TV show THE EQUALIZER? That's what I kept thinking of.

THE SOLOIST - Great acting. Great true story. Great classical music. Thought I would like this movie more. We didn't. Jamie Foxx's stream of consciousness reminded me of Lil' Wayne's "A Milli." Downey Jr. cracks me up even when he's not trying to be funny. It's unfair that someone can be as talented as Jamie Foxx. I bet it was really him playing Yo Mama-like cello.

Alright. See you soon. Don't buy $4.50 hot dogs unless your wife is grouchy...

More Sneak Reviews

2009-04-26T20:07:00.002-10:00

Oh, forgot these two:

CLEANER - Samuel L. Jackson, Ed Harris, and the sultry Eva Mendes. Not bad little movie with some pop. Got about 90 minutes to spare? This movie's for you. Different. Like a longer episode of CSI. We liked it.

BOLT - Do it for the kids. Excellent movie about a dog who doesn't know he's a stunt dog. Cutesy story. Funny lines. Great for the kids and adults. Pixar-comparable. Rent it. You won't be disappointed. One of the better animated movies we've seen, and believe me, we've seen a lot lately.

Okay. Two thumbs up for both of these flicks. So, I guess you could say, "four thumbs up!" That's almost a whole hand. I don't know where I'm going with this, but it could only end up badly, so I'll stop. Stay cool. See you next year. Nice knowing a cool guy like you...

Sneak Reviews

2009-04-26T19:54:00.002-10:00

Okay, I've been pretty busy (on Facebook), so here's some quickie reviews:

DOUBT - Suitable title. You'll been in doubt as to what really happened in the movie. Great actors/actresses in the movie. A slugfest of acting, really. Amy Adams plays naive and innocent really well, kinda like her ENCHANTED role.

CUJO - This movie was lame. I expected Bartholomew to be bigger and scarier. He looked like he was going to give some lost people in a snowstorm some drink. Isn't this just a movie about infidelity surrounded by a rabid dog just to keep it interesting? Terrible.

DECEPTION - Maggie Q shows her a$$ in this one, so I'll give it bonus points, but overall, the movie was more twisted than a pretzel. Wasn't good like one though. I was sucked in 'cause the movie was about a sex club, but just like softcore, girly-porn, I was left with blue balls. The title suggests the feeling you have after renting this piece of $hit.

Doubt was pretty good. The other two sucked a$$. Take it easy. Take care now...

Stir of Echoes

2009-04-10T15:33:00.002-10:00

Starring: Kevin Bacon, Cameron from HOUSE, SEINFELD's friend from childhood that he outgrew

STIR OF ECHOES? Yeah, that's right. I've never seen it before and the Wifey suggested it. Isn't it just THE SIXTH SENSE? I thought so. Pretty good movie considering it was from 1999. When was Sixth Sense made?

Anyway, if you haven't seen it, it's about Kevin Bacon being hypnotized by his bitchy sister-in-law and then having these flashes of some chick he doesn't even know. That's the movie.

It's pretty creepy and scary. Kind of a thriller-horror movie. I think I've seen it before, but I couldn't remember 'cause I've seen so many movies.

I actually liked it. Even though you can kinda figure out what's going on halfway through the movie. Didn't you girls just loooove Kevin's Bacon? Considering the crap he usually makes, this one was not bad.

Okay, that's it. Can't crack too many jokes about a 90's horror movie that everyone's probably seen...

Bedtime Stories

2009-04-08T20:48:00.002-10:00

Starring: Adam Sandler, all his usual buddies, Keri Russell, Courteney Cox, Guy Pearce, Lucy Lawless, Carmen Electra

BEDTIME STORIES? What do you think it's about? Do it for the kids. Yup, that's right. This was, obviously, a movie pick for the family. Although I do like Adam Sandler for some reason.

Bedtime Stories is about this sorta loser guy whose Pops used to own a hotel and tell him these great bedtime stories every night. Although he's promised the hotel later when his Pops sells the hotel and passes on, he ends up being a janitor/Mr. Fix-It kinda guy who gets $hit on every day.

He ends up taking care of his niece and nephew one week and tells these made-up stories to them, and the parts that the kids add on to his stories end up coming true. From then on, he tries to manipulate these stories to his advantage so that he can end up being in charge of the hotel he was promised previously.

Original method of repeating a common theme of kids' movies. Kids use their imagination and creativity. Good things start happening. We get to watch a real-life fairy tale unfold. Remember, it's for kids. It is Disney.

Keri Russell looks like Cameron from HOUSE. Courteney Cox is getting old. Guy Pearce...I can't believe that's the guy from MEMENTO. Lucy Lawless...can't believe she was XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS, that hidden-lesbo TV series.

Adam Sandler? He has a knack for making likable, entertaining movies. He's like that funny, sometimes goofy guy who can be cool and punky, but has a heart, too. I always like his movies. I don't know what it is. Well, except LITTLE NICKY. And BILLY MADISON. Those were a little too silly for me.

Watch it with the kids. I don't see why you would watch this without kids unless you're a huge Adam Sandler fan. Pretty good movie. Not spectacular, but some heartfelt moments there. Little bit. Not enough to make you cry though. I give this movie two kids who make up their own stories every day at dinner except I hope they don't come true otherwise we'd be hanging out with a guy who had his arm cut off and Nacho Nacho Man...

Pineapple Express

2009-04-08T20:26:00.002-10:00

Starring: Seth Rogen, James Franco, that funny dude from THE FOOT FIST WAY, that guy from OFFICE SPACE, Rosie Perez, Ed Begley Jr.

PINEAPPLE EXPRESS is your basic Mary Jane movie where a couple of buddies get high and then get into a bunch of wild $hit and have to find their way out. Think Cheech and Chong's UP IN SMOKE or HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE with a Judd Apatow twist. Funny $hit, right? I don't know. I guess.

There's one problem with watching these types of movies. I never smoked weed in my life. Neither has my wife. I mean, I know all of you mofos do, but not us innocent guys.

Soooo, when we watch these movies, although it's funny most of the time, I'm sure we're missing out on all the subtle Chronic jokes here and there. Maybe you guys even smoke a blunt while watching it. You'd probably think it was the best movie ever made.

Seth Rogen is teddy bear funny like our Tongan friend who works with us. You know who you are. He's just a likable dude. James Franco was actually funnier than I thought he would be. He played the pot seller guy. That guy from The Foot Fist Way, Danny McBride, cracks me up all the time. He seems to have bit parts in all the comedies now. I think it'll only be a matter of time until he becomes the feature guy. He's hilarious.

So Rogen and Franco witness this murder and somehow there's a corrupt cop (Perez) involved and they just spend the whole movie trying to run away from the bad guys who figure out it's them because they dropped their joint and it led back to them 'cause they were the only ones with access to "Pineapple Express," the Maui Wowie of today. That's the gist of it.

The movie kinda grew on me. Light, harmless entertainment. Unless you start hitting the bong 'cause of this movie. Not bad. Not like I was dying laughing or anything like that. It was a'ight. I give this movie two guys hitting the Chronic undercover after golf in the parking lot, smuggling their stash in a Twisted Metal video game case...

Quarantine

2009-04-05T10:11:00.005-10:00

Starring: DEXTER's sister, the main Black dude from STOMP THE YARD, Jay Hernandez, the Black guy who ended up in a wheelchair in DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN, hottie Maya from HEROES

Okay, you're either going to:

A) Think this movie was the greatest thing since THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT
B) Get sick of all the shaking
C) Be scared $hitless
D) Laugh throughout and think that this is the lamest horror movie made in a long time

I don't know about Beautiful, but I thought this movie was pretty good. A step above Blair Witch. I know she was getting scared towards the end. I thought it was kinda creative considering the genre.

QUARANTINE is a movie filmed like a documentary in which a newsreporter and her cameraman start off filming firemen, but then end up getting more than they bargained for. The movie starts off pleasant, almost like a college dorm, then gets crazy pretty quickly. The firemen take a call to an apartment building where, yes, they all end up being quarantined.

What's going on is...you'll figure it out. The shaky filming provide the perfect effect for scaring the bejesus out of you. Creepy things come in and out of view. The camera light goes in and out. Lots of running away. Pretty suspenseful stuff. Or you might think its lame. Or you might throw up.

Again, we actually liked the movie. Pretty scary. Pretty predictable though. Short and sweet, running time-wise. Like riding a roller coaster. I thought everyone acted pretty $hitty pretty well. They had to act like they were actually filming a documentary. That must be hard. Like playing yourself. Although playing with yourself is not too hard. Unless it's not hard. Or so I've heard.

Remember when Blair Witch first came out and everybody thought it was real? Then, when we found out that it was a hoax, the movie lost its appeal and all you had was some chick with boogers coming out of her nose running around in the forest from nothing but the sound of stepped-on branches and her imagination. I guess perception can be scarier than reality. And a lot more interesting. And, I guess, more believable.

Pretty good movie. Quick, immediate, spooky dose of Hershey squirts in the pants. Watch it at night with the lights off and I'll bet it's even scarier. I give this movie two minutes of grainy, dark footage and a lot of shaking and screaming and a big snake trying to get in that bush...

Slumdog Millionaire

2009-04-04T08:56:00.003-10:00

Starring: that Indian dude from SHORT CIRCUIT ("Johnny Five is alive!!)...nah, just kidding. A whole truckload of Indian people, including hottie Freida Pinto (who'll probably be in demand after this movie...)

Holy sippin' slurpees from 7-11!! This movie is f@ckin' AWESOME!! Best Picture of the Year, it better be.

You know, I don't know if I've just become more mature with my movie picks or the Academy has gotten better with their choices, but remember when you were little and you tried to watch some Best Picture flick and it sucked a$$? Well, that's how it used to be for me. But ever since they started choosing some real kick a$$ movies like BRAVEHEART, I've kinda trusted them. CRASH, MILLION DOLLAR BABY, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. These movies were not only critically-acclaimed, but entertaining as well.

Anyway, SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE is this damn good original movie about this kid who, believe it or not, ends up going on the hit show WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? and is pretty much accused of cheating. As they try to find out the truth about his cheating, he recounts all of his childhood experiences. This is the bread and butter of the movie. I'm actually surprised Beautiful didn't end up bawling. Weird. I think she feels no sympathy for anybody who's Gandhi ever since Sharma graced us with his presence.

There, that's it. To tell you guys more would ruin this masterpiece of a movie. I know it doesn't sound all that intriguing, but give it a chance, I guarantee you won't be disappointed. The daring, original premise of this movie alone had me thinking about how creative the human mind can be. For some reason, I'm getting GOOD WILL HUNTING crossed with ONCE WERE WARRIORS even though it's really neither. That's just the vibe I was getting as I watched.

This movie has the intrigue. It has the sickening tragedy. It has the underdog theme. And underneath it all lies the ever-so-universal love and romance theme. This movie has it all, baby!! No bull$hitting either. You know that feeling you had when you saw CRASH or MILLION DOLLAR BABY where you were just like, "Wow! What a well-crafted movie..."? That's what I kept thinking afterwards. Pure genius. It's movies like this that keep me watching movies. What the f@ck am I saying? I'll watch anything.

Anyway, great f@ckin' movie!! If I could recommend only one movie (or you could only watch one movie on the account of you only being on the one-movie-at-a-time Netflix plan), you should definitely watch this. Best Picture. Can't go wrong. You'll be amazed. Unless I overhyped it already. Did I mention that the main girl is kinda hot? I hope she's of age or I'm a perv.

I give this movie two billion Indians looking to technologically dominate the world in a few years according to that lame video with African music that we've seen too many times. I'm gonna get me a slurpee...

Do it. You know you want to. Buy a slurpee. Put a red dot on your forehead. Now, pop in the DVD and enjoy...

And then, do some Kama Sutra for the after-party...

Jai Ho, bitches!!

Lakeview Terrace

2009-04-02T15:25:00.002-10:00

Starring: Samuel L. Jackson, Kerry Washington, Jay Hernandez, and that White guy who was ooofing Kate Winslet in LITTLE CHILDREN

LAKEVIEW TERRACE is another pretty damn good movie featuring workaholic actor Samuel L. Jackson. "Yes, they deserved to die. I hope they burn in hell!!" Remember that line? He's the best screaming actor of all time. How come they don't have the "Six Degrees of Samuel L. Jackson?" Hasn't he made more movies than Kevin Bacon? Where the hell is Kevin Bacon? If not more movies, definitely better. He's the coolest cat in the litter.

Lakeview Terrace is this crazy movie about an Oreo couple who move next door to Jackson only to be terrorized by him each day. Not only is he black, he's also blue...as in, he's a cop. He's bruised-up all black and blue.

First, the harassment starts off slowly. A little joke here, a racist comment there. Next thing you know, he's getting all Samuel L. on 'em. You'll see. You'll be like, "What the f@ck??!!" like all them Black folk yelling at the screen at the theaters. I think we felt Black. Even though the movie was about reverse racism. Sorta. You'll feel like a victim of racism. Except the guy was White. But his wife was Black. But the guy being racist was Jackson, who's Black. And he was a cop, who you think would uphold the law and go out of his way not to be racist. But then, the movie's not about you 'cause you're Asian. So how could you feel like the victim? Let's just say that we sympathized (empathized?) with the main zebra characters.

Jackson gets worse and worse, but the couple battles back. Must be hell trying to f@ck tha police. Later, you'll find out why Jackson's doing what he does. It's an excellent popcorn movie. Buttered Popcorn, that is. Hardy, har, har, har! Really though, great entertainment with L. doing his thing in a role perfectly suited for his acting chops.

We're on a roll this week with Netflix. Another excellent movie. I give this movie two people from different cultural backgrounds. One's Asian. One's Black. She offers him some cherry pie. He gives her a fudgesicle. Next thing you know, they're having dessert until their relationship gets stretched beyond its limits and the girl must move on...only she can't even walk...

Redbelt

2009-04-01T09:31:00.003-10:00

Starring: that Black dude not named Don Cheadle from TALK TO ME, that girl who saved Will Smith in I AM LEGEND, the Spanish dude who was in about three or four episodes from LOST, the good girl that Bruce Willis falls in love with in THE KID, and Academy Award should-be-nominee, Enson Inoue, and other MMA fighters

REDBELT is this smart, MMA (can you say, "oxymoron?") independent B-movie about this down-on-his-luck MMA instructor who is forced to compete in some MMA event he created to get out of a mess he is accused of creating. Get it?

He's a Black Bruce Lee without the need to kick everybody's a$$. He likes to teach, but he doesn't like the idea of competing with rules. He teaches his students to conquer their fears and prevail in life. Of course, he's not opposed to kicking someone's a$$ in the name of fairness and self-defense. You'll see.

The way the movie was constructed to get to where it ends up is pretty clever. Seriously. Didn't expect that from a fight movie. In some ways, this was up there with ROCKY and THE KARATE KID. Not an underdog movie, but he's definitely someone you can root for. Definitely better than NEVER BACK DOWN. Okay, so maybe I only saw the beginning of that movie. Goes to show how bad it was.

When it all goes down, you'll be cringing and feeling bad for the guy. Sorry, I can't give away too much. The movie's that good. Let's just say that the guy hangs onto his morals and principles despite all the temptations and hardships that come his way and doesn't even flinch. Not too many people like that nowadays.

Good mix of fighting and story. Charismatic main character. Good philosophies. I liked that it was short. A pleasant surprise. Like cracking open a fortune cookie and, well...getting a good fortune. Tried to throw in the Asian joke there. Didn't work. Oh, yeah, and they had those kung fu flutes and taiko drums playing throughout the movie to get you in the mood.

I give this movie two empty hands that come in peace...bearing gifts...emanating love...powerful...strong...how about a massage? Happy ending?

Tell No One

2009-03-31T10:26:00.002-10:00

Starring: a bunch of French people

Okay, can anyone tell me why an American Edgar Award-winning writer gets his New York Times bestselling-novel made into a French movie? I don't get that. Nevertheless, it didn't take away from the movie at all. I'm actually looking forward to reading the book now. Actually, I had planned to read the book first, but I'm waiting for the damn thing to be transferred to my local library.

TELL NO ONE is this awesome thriller of a movie about this doctor guy who's madly in love with his wife, and one day, when they're skinny-dipping at the local pond, she gets kidnapped and he gets knocked unconscious. They show her naked. Oh, those naughty Frenchies!

Anyway, eight years later, after being cleared of his wife's killing, he gets a mysterious email with a link to a video that shows...SURPRISE!!...HIS WIFE!!! What??!! He continues to get these strange emails that offer him little clues to meet in odd places.

Not only is he trying to figure out whether or not his wife is really alive, but the police is on his trail again being that they recently found two more bodies that were buried near that fateful pond. What the hell is going on??!!

Throughout the movie, he's running from the law, trying to figure out the circumstances of his wife's death, and along the way, people keep dying and he keeps getting blamed.

The best thing about this movie is that you really don't know what the hell's going on either. You know how when you watch most movies, you're like, "Ah, I got it already..." halfway through the movie. This one's a doozy. It'll keep your head spinning. It's over two hours, but it didn't feel like it. At first, the subtitles bothered me, but you get used to it.

Seriously, this was one of the best thrillers I've seen in awhile. Beautiful wouldn't go that far, but she really enjoyed it. It was like I was watching an onion unfold...wait, wait. It was like I was watching my mom's rainbow jello get eaten layer by layer...wait, wait. It was like I was trapped in this makeshift cave of Hawaiian quilts and I had to fight my way out...wait, wait. It was like meeting with our hottie psychologist and trying to discuss all my underlying issues...ah, whatever...you know what I mean, right? It was like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, buried under bull$hit. Something like that.

Let's just say that I was highly anticipating this movie, and it didn't disappoint. Great movie. Tell Everyone to go see it. Get it? I give this movie two people skinny-dipping in a pond...and then, this hockey masked-wearing guy shows up...but then, this shark fin appears in the middle of the pond...then all of a sudden, you hear noises in the bushes and the movie's black and white and this girl with boogers coming out of her nose is the only thing you can see...but then, everybody blows up and it was all just a dream...

Monsters Vs. Aliens

2009-03-30T16:42:00.003-10:00

Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Seth Rogen, Hugh Laurie, Paul Rudd, Kiefer Sutherland, Stephen Colbert, and others

Damn, this movie was the shizzle!! Definitely, the best kids movie we've ever seen together with the kids. And it wasn't even Pixar. I don't know though. UP is coming this summer.

MONSTERS VS. ALIENS, if you haven't seen the previews three thousand times, is about the Earth getting invaded (again) by aliens and how we fight them using monsters that we've got stashed away.

We've got Susan (Witherspoon) who's a gentle giant. This brainy Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. dude played with his normal English voice by Dr. Gregory House M.D. This gelatinous, brainless blob named B.O.B. played by Rogen. The Missing Link, this fish-looking, tough-talking creature played by some SNL cast member. And this gigantic mute caterpillar.

Anyway, because it's a cartoon, you won't get bored in any way seeing the same old alien invasion genre. The movie is awesome. Excellent graphics. Cutesy, kid-friendly characters. Funny, adult humor. Not adult like porn, but adult like over-the-kids'-heads. The one-liners are witty and quotable. The movie keeps you, as well as the kids, entertained all the way through.

We're chang, so we didn't see the 3D-version, but you could tell which parts were made just for the 3D enjoyment. Stuff blowing up and flying outward towards you. It's probably neat. $3.50 more per person neat? I don't think so.

All the characters were lovable, but I really liked House, Rogen, and Witherspoon's characters in particular. House because, well, he's House. Even under his native English tongue, you could still recognize the razor-sharp wit and sarcasm. Rogen's hilarious. Is this guy ever not funny? He played the dimwitted blob perfectly. He had the best jokes. Every time he said something, it had everybody rolling. Reese's main character in the movie was classic Witherspoon. I've always liked her. Not necessarily her movies, just her. I know that sounds pretty dumb, but there's something about her. I think if I had to pick an actress based on only personality, I'd pick her. The last time I actually liked a female cartoon character was, probably, THE LITTLE MERMAID. And I mean that in a serious, non-perverse way. I really liked Susan. You will, too.

The strength of the movie though has to be the camaraderie of the monsters. How they stick together and fight for each other and try to kick the aliens' a$$es. It was like watching an animated INDEPENDENCE DAY where you're kinda rooting for us, the good guys, to kick some foreign alien a$$. The action in this movie was good, too.

Okay, too much to talk about. My review's not even doing the movie justice. Trust me, this movie is out-of-this-world! Hardy, har, har, har!! Go take your kids and see it. Hell, go see it without kids. I guarantee you'll enjoy it. We did. DreamWorks is catching up! I give this movie two kids who were really grateful for their surprise today, and one, in particular, who was so happy that she couldn't stop talking out loud at the screen. Is Kawai part-Black?

The Gift

2009-03-29T08:29:00.002-10:00

Starring: Cate Blanchett, Keanu Reaves, Katie Holmes, Greg Kinnear, Giovanni Ribisi, Hilary Swank, that Peter Parker's grandma-aunty from the SPIDERMAN movies, that weirdo-boss from OFFICE SPACE, and that old prisoner who had the circus mouse in THE GREEN MILE

Damn, this movie was packed with talent! If only I had recognized this in 2000, I would've maybe watched it then instead of now. I just remember Keanu Reeves playing a bad guy and thinking, "Whoa, Ted from BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE can't play no villain!" I don't think I even knew who Cate Blanchett was. Or Hilary Swank.

THE GIFT is true to its title. It's a movie that presents itself across several different genres. First of all, you've got the country bumpkin trailer trash aspect. Blanchett is a widowed single-mom with three kids who reads peoples' fortunes on the side to make money. All these ignorant bozos with issues come to her to get answers and look up to her almost as a guidance counselor. She plays the role straight. Nothing cheesy about her so-called fortune-telling. For some reason, I've always found Blanchett to be somewhat attractive in a vanilla sort of way. I don't know why. I just do.

Problems start when beaten-down Swank enters the movie asking for advice from Blanchett when everyone knows that she should leave her wife-beater of a husband, Keanu Reeves. Reeves surprisingly plays the menacing-bully role pretty damn good. I was pretty impressed. And he didn't have to use any of that lame MATRIX martial arts. He and Swank kinda represent the violent part of the movie.

Katie Holmes and Greg Kinnear are the happily engaged couple. Only problem is, Greg's the good-guy-principal-of-the-local-elementary-school and Holmes is the town whore. She shows her t!tties. They were actually bigger than I thought they would be. I wonder if Tom Cruise saw this movie and thought, "I have to meet her..." This could represent the scandalous part of the movie.

Ribisi plays this kinda mental guy who everyone's afraid of. Doesn't he always play the retarded guy? He, along with Swank, are among Blanchett's regular clientele. More like irregular though.

Anyway, somebody gets killed, Blanchett "sees" it, and the little town goes crazy. That's all I'm gonna say. The whole movie's suspenseful, so I don't want to ruin it.

Considering that this was an old movie, we definitely enjoyed it. I'd have to say that as far as thrillers go, this one was pretty up there. Especially recently with all the junk that we've watched. I'm glad that we rented it and I highly recommend it. You'll be entertained throughout. I give this movie two hairy palms to be read...but you can't see anything...too much hair...too many blisters...too much lotion on it...blinded...don't wanna talk about it...you know what you gotta stop doing...

Shiver

2009-03-28T08:13:00.002-10:00

Starring: a bunch of Spanish people

SHIVER is this subtitled Spanish movie about this photophobic boy and his mom (and later, his part-time dad) who move to another town to start a new life and get less sun 'cause the boy's genetic disorder is getting worse. He was getting picked on in his hometown anyway, so it was time to leave the sun and the a$$holes.

In his new town, the bullying starts all over again. They pick on him like he's the new freak kid. On top of all that, he goes in the woods one day with two other boys, one of 'em ends up dying, and he gets blamed. Throughout the movie, weird things keep happening in the forest, people turn up dead, and he somehow becomes the scapegoat. Talk about a $hitty life.

Something is going on in the forest. Think THE VILLAGE, but only cheesier and less scary. We thought the movie was okay. Luckily, I didn't have to play pee pee duty or move to the outside of the bed. Wasn't all that scary. Even when you finally find out what's going on, it's not all that satisfying. They tried to throw in a little twist to explain everything, but again, nothing spectacular. I'd have to rate this movie on the bottom of our Roku'd horror movies.

Skip this movie. Unless you're trying to brush up on your high school Spanish. The least they could've done was show some naked Spanish girls. But alas, they did not. I give this movie two doses of Spanish Fly and an urban legend consisting of a mamacita and the stick shift in your car. Either that or two tacos for 99 cents at your local Jack in a Crack. Depends whether or not you think Spanish and Mexican are the same thing...

Mirrors

2009-03-26T09:31:00.006-10:00

Starring: Kiefer Sutherland, Amy Smart, and some poor man's Halle Berry chick

Remember, we like the genre. Cheesy, horror flicks. Not that this is one. Okay, maybe a little.

MIRRORS is a documentary about Kiefer Sutherland reflecting on his career and how he went from THE LOST BOYS, YOUNG GUNS, and FLATLINERS, through boning Julia Roberts in the middle, hitting the apex by starring in a hit TV show, 24, and then, somehow ending up in this weird-a$$ movie.

Okay, really. MIRRORS is about this down-and-out NYPD cop who f@cked-up somehow, is trying to stay on the wagon, and for some inexplicable reason, decides to work at this burned-down building as a security guard. He also is separated from his semi-hot wife and rarely gets to see his kids until he gets his act straight.

While working at the spacious, mirror-filled building, he witnesses some strange occurrences. Of course he does. That's what makes the movie. Basically, your cliched reflection-doing-crazy-things-you're-really-not-doing kinda spooky stuff. He, surprisingly, keeps going back to work at night to find out why this is happening. Who gives a f@ck, right? Apparently, Kiefer does. And so, the rest of the movie plays out for our entertainment. I won't spoil it, of course. Let's just say that wherever there's mirrors, $hit's gonna happen.

Personally, I didn't think the movie was all that scary. And it's not 'cause I'm trying to be all macho and $hit. It really didn't scare me like other movies. You could tell when something was coming. Lots of blood and gore, but all movies have that nowadays, so it's hard to outdo what's already been done.

Beautiful, on the other hand, couldn't even go to the bathroom by herself. I had to just stand there and watch her pee. Normally, I wouldn't mind, but after midnight, I don't know, kinda pushing it. She even slept on the other side of the bed not near our bedroom door. I thought that was funny.

Some scary parts. Not all that exceptional. I kinda liked it even though it wasn't all that particularly good. Again, we like the genre. Wifey liked it, of course. She was definitely affected by it. I give this movie two people staring at each other in the mirror late at night wondering who that person behind them is...

P2

2009-03-25T08:59:00.003-10:00

Starring: some White girl whose boobs were actually a helluva lot bigger than they first appeared and that creepy dude from AMERICAN BEAUTY who had a flying paper bag fetish

P2!! Woohahahaha!! That's my scary voice, by the way...

P2 is this surprisingly pretty good horror B-movie set in a parking garage. You know, the floor two floors below the lobby, P2? For some reason, as I was watching this movie, I kept thinking about that SEINFELD episode where they can't find their car. When I go to the doctor's, I always park on P1. Just letting you get a glimpse of my life.

Anyway, P2 is about this milky White undercover-boobed chick who gets stuck at work during the Xmas/New Year season. She's kind of a workaholic who's the last one to leave the office making small talk with your usual parking garage/office building security guards on the way out. There's one little problem though...THERE IS NO WAY OUT!!! WOOHAHAHAHA!!!

The movie actually starts off slow, and I thought I was headed for a little disappointment, but trust me, it has some "Holy $hit!" moments to spare. I actually liked the slow set-up now that I think of it. Kinda clever. Makes you feel like you're at work on a normal day going to retrieve your soon-to-be-stalled car from an isolated, dark, creepy parking structure.

You know that she's stuck. You know who's going to be the bad guy. You think you know all the cliched horrible things that are going to happen to her, but you're going to be wrong. You'll still be shocked. You'll still jump in your seat a little. You'll still be amazed at how much you actually are enjoying this movie. Beautiful and I just ate it all up.

I think the appeal of this movie was the fact that this could possibly happen to anyone, especially nowadays. Everyone's been in a parking structure alone and thought, "Whoa, little scary in here..." I'm sure girls everywhere can definitely relate. Keys out all in your knuckles and $hit.

Also, the villain is your creepy bad-date-gone-wrong stalkerish type. Maybe you'd rather be dead than have to be subjected to his calm, semi-pervy weirdness. You think you could easily kick his a$$, but his violent spontaneity makes you think twice.

Considering the overdone SAW crap they've been releasing lately, this movie was pretty good. Back to your good old-fashioned use of suspense. We were thoroughly entertained the entire way. I give this movie two minutes in an abandoned car...bouncing up and down...windows all fogging up...working the shocks...moaning and screaming...do you check up on it? Murder or rape? Consensual sex? P2? Hmmm...

21

2009-03-25T08:54:00.001-10:00

Starring: Kevin Spacey, Laurence Fishburne, the overrated Kate Bosworth, and that funny Asian sidekick dude from DISTURBIA

21 is a movie about (what do you think?) blackjack. It takes place in Vegas. Specifically, the Planet Hollywood casino. That's two movies in a row on the Strip featuring a casino that just happened to be Planet Hollywood. Hmmm...makes sense that if Hollywood's on the Strip now, they'll have to be the one shining in your Vegas-featured Hollywood-made movie. Or maybe I'm just making up my own theories again.

Anyway, a bunch of college MIT nerds learn to count cards from Professor Spacey and set out to somehow beat the casinos and make a lot of money while flying under the radar. Guess what happens. Their little foolproof scheme has one weakness: emotion. However, with apple-and-pie Bosworth around, apparently, this is not possible. Actually, Fishburne's character had something to do with it, too. And a lot of other issues that occur when you put too smart people in a room together.

The movie was okay. Kinda predictable. I love Vegas, of course. Spacey and Fishburne are always cool. Bosworth, I don't know what's the appeal. Color me prejudiced. Color her tan. The counting techniques were pretty interesting to me. Of course, I'm delusional to think that I could figure it out and pull it off.

With the popularity of Texas Hold 'Em, I think this movie was trying to indirectly capitalize on it. I'm pretty sure that it did. But I didn't care much for it. If you're a blackjack junkie, you might catch a boner. I give this movie two aces to split, two jacks coming up to make 21, and two queens coming up to your room later that night to make 69. You know I had to go vulgar...

Transporter 3

2009-03-23T11:11:00.007-10:00

Starring: Jason Statham and some Chernobyl trailer trash Russian chick

This movie sucked a$$!! Usually, I like this modern-day Van Damme/Seagal's movies, but this one was a little too much. I can't even remember what the hell happened in the first two TRANSPORTERs. Nor do I care. I just like when he kicks everybody's a$$. But then again, that was the problem.

The fight scenes are getting too crazy. Not like CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON flying-through-the-air crazy, but just, I don't know, like sliding-sideways-on-motorcycles-chase-a-car-down-with-a-bicycle crazy. Too much. It's ridiculous even for an action junkie like myself.

The only thing good about Statham is that he actually looks like he can kick some a$$ and he doesn't have to ooof some skank or run with his arms flailing like those other two 90's Whasian David Carradine bozos.

The only thing bad about Statham is that he's bald. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I like the bald look. So does my wife. Hopefully, forever 'cause she's got no choice.

This movie was so lame that I won't even bother telling you guys what it was about. Pretty much the same plot as his Transporter movies or his CRANK movies. Fight, fight, fight. Get the bad guy. Drive his shiny, black car. Wear a suit. Transport some package, which in this case was this unsexy Russian chick who was trying to grab onto his package.

I give this movie two sequels too many for an action franchise that will probably continue to make money because boneheads like myself keep renting it and because Americans like supporting any White guy who they think can emulate far more superior Asian martial artists so they can continue to falsely believe they can bully Asians everywhere. Get your guys' heads outta Chuck Norris's a$$!!

Role Models

2009-03-21T09:21:00.003-10:00

Starring: Seann William Scott, Paul Rudd, some hilarious, vulgar Black kid, some hilarious, dorky White kid

Okay, hear me out. I'm going with the whole "expectations theory" on this one. You know, like if you expect a whole lot, the movie won't meet your expectations, but if you don't expect $hit, then you'll end up liking the movie. This movie was recommended to us by the Colmenaresessessss's hype machine, so I expected to be laughing my a$$ off. Oh, excuse me. I mean, I thought I would be ROTFLMAO, to be technologically and textually-correct. I'm down with the times, yo!

Anyway, it was definitely funny. It was definitely better than most comedies. I just thought I would be laughing throughout the entire movie. Maybe I'm jaded and I've seen too many movies.

Anyway, ROLE MODELS is about Stifler and that dude from CLUELESS who work a dead-end job selling some energy drink and giving "Just Say No" anti-drug speeches to kids. They're in their mid-30s, so while Stifler loves his job 'cause he sees the possibilities of pu$$y anywhere, Rudd's having a mid-life crisis and wants to do more.

They end up f@cking up somehow and have to either go to jail for 30 days or do some kinda big-brother mentoring program. They, of course, to support our movie premise, choose the latter. And this is where the hilarity starts.

Rudd's "little" is this dork of dorks who spends all his time in this imaginary Dungeons and Dragons world. He wears a cape, carries around this rubber sword, fights fake-battles, and hangs out with similarly creepy-dorky guys.

Stifler's kid is this crass, vulgar Black kid who swears constantly and looks at boobies. He's a complete terror. I'm actually shocked they let the kid swear so much, even if it is acting. Imagine if you were this kid's real-life parents. Do you sell-out?

To me, Stifler's kinda getting overdone, but Rudd is hilarious. Who would've thought that the guy would be one of today's go-to comedy guys? The guy from Clueless. Who would've thunk it? Maybe Alicia Silverstone while she's sitting unemployed at home. His subtle, witty one-liners always make me laugh. Or at least chuckle to myself.

But the overwhelming comedy force behind this movie is that Black kid. He's f@ckin' hilarious!! That muthaf@cker was saying some f@cked-up X-rated $hit!! Every time he was on screen, I shamelessly waited for him to say something crazy. Crazy thing is, he usually did. Humor has gone downhill. Kids are our new potty-humor mules. F@ckin' pathetic. But I love it!!

Pretty good raunchy movie with heart. Not in Apatow's league, but maybe right under Kevin Smith's. I give this movie two dysfunctional guys with two dysfunctional kids making a mockery of a mentoring program that I know works 'cause while I was taking a $hit one day, I looked up and saw a picture of someone I know who's actually doing some good in the program. Potty-humor, I tell you...

Race to Witch Mountain

2009-03-21T08:44:00.006-10:00

Starring: The Rock, Carla Gugino, and that one female child/teen actress who appears in a lot of movies, but not Abigail Breslin or Dakota Fanning

Had to watch this with our kids today on a field trip. They were, surprisingly, very well-behaved. Unlike another team's kids who I won't mention, but will say that their primary leader is on maternity leave, which could explain all the craziness we witnessed today.

RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN is, I guess, the delayed-over-three-decades third installment of the Witch Mountain's trilogy. It's about this brother and sister alien tandem who come to Earth to do something that I won't disclose at this moment. Gotta keep the suspense going. Even if it is Disney.

The Rock is the cabbie who coincidentally runs into these kids who are themselves running away from these kinda NASA dudes. He, coincidentally, used to be some kinda driver for these mob-type guys. How convenient. So now, he's running away from the NASA dudes and some of those mobster guys who want him back in the game. And on top of all of that, they're in the lovely oasis of a desert we call Las Vegas.

Gugino plays some kinda alien/UFO expert who just happens to ride the Rock's cab (no, not like that) and is giving a seminar in Vegas while all this is happening. Hmmm...I wonder why she gets involved? Yeah, you'll see her at the beginning of the movie and at the end, flirting with the Rock and waving her bosoms in front of his face. Did you guys see RIGHTEOUS KILL with De Niro and Pacino? You'll never look at Carla Gugino the same way after that movie.

For a Disney, family-friendly movie, this movie had a lot of action, violence, suspense, and even a little horror. I liked it. Kept you entertained the whole way. Some parts were the usual cheesy Disney. I mean, come on, it's an alien Disney movie. For the most part though, pretty good movie. I didn't much care for the ending, but the action/suspense parts were pretty riveting (for a Disney movie).

Beautiful almost had multiples when the original kids from ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUTAIN made a cameo in this one bar scene. I wonder how many people actually noticed that? In a way, it was kinda obvious because as you're watching, you're wondering why they're concentrating so much on an unnecessary scene. I guess it's kinda cool. If you're a dork.

Anyway, seriously pretty good movie. The Rock doesn't really make bad movies, does he? Good family movie. The Mormons can get in their PG-8 rating and still be entertained without feeling guilty. Sorry. Had to throw that in. I give this movie two illegal aliens trying to cross the border into Earth, ending up, in of all places, Vegas, where everything on the strip looks like a UFO, driving by, ironically, Planet Hollywood, which, if you think about it, is pretty ironic and fitting at the same time...

W.

2009-03-13T20:46:00.004-10:00

Starring: Josh Brolin and some other well-known actors that you'll recognize under all that prosthetics

W. is about our last bozo of a President, George W. Bush. I guess this movie is supposed to be a somewhat kinda truthful portrait of our hot mess of a President.

Basically, what I got out of this movie was that W. was pretty much the most successful SPED person of all time and that we are basically bullying everybody else for no other reason than to get oil. That's it. End of story.

Chronicling W's life is like watching any reality show on TV today with the exception being that he always got bailed out 'cause of who his dad was. His name saved him on countless occasions, and it goes to show that if you're rich and famous, you're always going to get a second, third, and 15th chance at life. I mean, come on, the guy goes on to become President of the United States. I don't know what's more amazing. That he made it to the Presidency or that Americans actually voted his a$$ in. What does that say about us and our supposedly superior country?

A lot of people (well, okay, just Tom) said that you'd feel bad for the guy by the end of the movie. I didn't. He's a f@ck-up. Plain and simple. This movie just shows what'll happen if your family's well-known and/or rich. The only thing I'll give the guy was that he sure was confident and feisty. He wanted to kick everybody else's country's a$$. Everybody. All guts. No brains. Fighting against his brother Jeb his whole life.

I also felt that Colin Powell held strong to the end, but basically sold out to the White guys. Yeah, even Condoleezza Rice's white. And that's no small potatoes. Get it? Hardy, har, har, har!!

Thank goodness for Obama. Now, we can finally look for Osama. Or maybe stop the war, be at peace like the Dalai Lama. Look me in the eye, I'll spit on you like a llama. No more drama, who are you? My baby mama?

Interesting movie, but it makes you realize how f@cked-up our country and its leaders may really be. I give this movie two gazillion gallons of oil stolen from your nearest global oil field like Captain Cook stole the 'aina from our people. Damn capitalistic haoles!!

Mr. Brooks

2009-03-13T20:30:00.002-10:00

Starring: Kevin Costner, Demi Moore, Dane Cook, William Hurt, and that blonde milf from CSI

MR. BROOKS is about this all-around great CEO guy (Costner) who, during his spare time, always has the urge to kill people. He recently has been keeping himself in check, but lately, the urges have been too much. He ends up regressing to his old, bad self and meticulously ends up smoking this couple as they're oofing. Problem is, some perv across the way catches him, and so to stay out of trouble, the guy makes a deal with him to take him on his next kill. Yup, it's that kinda movie.

Demi Moore plays the cop hot on his trail. William Hurt plays his alter ego. Dane Cook is the perv from around the way. CSI girl is Costner's wife.

Costner surprisingly plays the dual role pretty damn well. Demi Moore was her usual kinda sexy-without-really-trying-to-be-sexy self. Wasn't Demi Moore Angelina Jolie before Angelina Jolie? Think about it.

The movie was not bad. Pretty good actually. I've never really heard of this movie, but it was getting good reviews on Netflix, so I had to check it out. Sorry, though, no naked Demi in this one.

As far as thrillers go, pretty good flick. I give this movie two personalities clashing with themselves trying to figure out which one is the real you...

Changeling

2009-02-28T22:36:00.003-10:00

Starring: Angelina Jolie, John Malkovich
Directed by: Clint Eastwood

I think I'm gonna have to put Eastwood in that elitist GT group. GRAN TORINO, MILLION DOLLAR BABY, and now this movie? That old fart's got it going on! He's a genius.

CHANGELING (if you haven't seen the previews) is about this single mom in the roaring '20s whose son goes missing while she's away at work. She's one of those roller skating phone operator supervisors. I guess that was a job associated with that era.

Her son disappears, she freaks out like any parent would, and they supposedly find her son a couple of months later. Problem is, the kid that the infamously corrupt LAPD finds ends up NOT being her son, but for publicity reasons, they try to cover up their mistake. What the f@ck??!! Yeah, this is a true event that actually happened.

As you're watching the movie, you'll find yourself in disbelief screaming at the TV, wondering how something so horrific could've really occurred, even if it was back in the day. Jolie, as always, plays a strong character who fights to the end to get to the bottom of this f@cked-up travesty. Sometimes, she's so hot that people forget she can actually act. I've always found her voluptuous body and pouty lips to be secondary to her prolific acting skills. I hardly even notice when she's prancing around naked in her movies or bouncing up and down on some poor actor's Johnson for dramatic effect. She sacrifices her body so much for the sake of the story.

I'm beginning to like Eastwood's slow, deliberate pacing in his movies. It's like he takes his time delivering the message of his films. No special effects. No CGI. Just superb acting and some good, old-fashioned storytelling laced with his simple piano soundtracks. It's an acquired taste, I think.

The movie was pretty long, but I didn't mind it. I was entertained the entire way watching the story unfold. Don't wanna give up too much, but let's just say that it's f@cked-up that any parent would have to go through this, and go at it alone. Unbelievable, really. But that's why this movie was so intriguing. Or at least I thought so. Beautiful thought that it was just okay. I think she's just hating on you-know-who. Just kidding. I think.

Anyway, another excellent Eastwood flick. I give this movie two kids kidnapped from their own third world countries so that they could form some kinda mini-United Nations with Mr. and Mrs. Smith...

Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa

2009-02-19T15:44:00.004-10:00

Voiced by: Ben Stiller, Chris Rock, David Schwimmer, Jada Pinkett-Smith, Cedric the Entertainer, Bernie Mac, Sacha Baron Cohen, Alec Baldwin, and Will i Am

Pretty good movie. Not Pixar, but pretty good. With all that voice talent, it better be at least decent.

MADAGASCAR: ESCAPE 2 AFRICA is about the gang (the lion, giraffe, zebra, and hippo played respectively by Stiller, Schwimmer, Rock, and Pinkett-Smith) trying to return to New York from Madagascar only to crash-land in Africa where Alex the Lion was originally from. There they learn about their animal roots and some kid-worthy life-lessons along the way. It was like Reese Witherspoon returning home in SWEET HOME ALABAMA.

This movie was pretty damn funny. Not as funny as my wife thought it was, but considering it wasn't a Pixar flick, it was pretty hilarious. Lately, Beautiful has been liking our animated movie picks for the kids. Usually, she likes to tell all of us how she just abhors cartoony movies, but she seems to be having a change of heart. As a parent, aren't you kinda just forced to like cartoons? Unless you just get sick of it 'cause you gotta watch SHREK fifty-seven times. She's now even enjoying the previews a little too much. "Suuuuusan!!" Yeah, I guess we'll be going to MONSTERS VS. ALIENS.

What always amazes me are the detailed life-like graphics, especially when they show any type of running water. How do they do that? Ah, technology. Never ceases to amaze me. I also always get a kick out of how they make the cartoon character look like the voice actor. Complete with the actor's mannerisms and everything. Impressive. The Alec Baldwin lion was dead-on.

The best animated movies are the ones that keep the kids entertained and the adults laughing without being offensive. This movie successfully does that. It was even better than the sequel. I'd give you more specific examples, but it was all an enjoyable, laughable blur. Let's just say that it was really good for adults and kids. Wifey definitely enjoyed it more than the kids. It was almost up to Pixar standards. Almost. Close.

I give this movie two of each animal boarding an ark to avoid a flood that hopefully never comes again...

Nights in Rodanthe

2009-02-16T10:38:00.002-10:00

Starring: AMERICAN GIGOLO Richard Gere, and that UNFAITHFUL Diane Lane...oh yeah, and SPIDER MAN nemesis, James Franco

UNFAITHFUL this was not. I kept waiting for Diane Lane to take off her clothes, but to no unveil. I think I caught a glimpse of her nipple, but wifey said that it wasn't. What kind of movie is this?

NIGHTS IN RODANTHE is another movie based on one of Nicholas Sparks' effeminate bestselling books. Okay, so I read "The Wedding" accidentally on purpose. Why can't they make more James Patterson movies?

The movie takes place in a Rodanthe, NC bed-and-breakfast where the only people staying for the week were, SURPRISE, Gere and Lane. If you isolate two attractive people in a room for a night or two, won't they always ooof? Anyway, there's a hurricane coming (cue the cliche traumatizing event), so, of course, they have to keep each other warm and safe.

Lane is in a dead-end marriage and Gere is a doctor who might as well be dead. Don't want to give away that part. Anyway, they find comfort in each other, tell each other their problems, and, SURPRISE, inevitably fall in love with that intoxicating mix of sharing and listening.

Okay, that's pretty much it for my sharing. Go watch the movie. Or read the book. I'm assuming the book was better. Isn't it always? If you know softie Nicholas Sparks' formulaic approach, you pretty much know what's coming. Beautiful read the book, but still managed to shed a tear or eight throughout.

Not a bad movie. Not a great movie. You gotta be a sucker for this kinda stuff. Of all his adaptations, I think this may have been the worst. Not that it sucked. It's all relative. Now, had Lane pulled some of her UNFAITHFUL acrobatics, this movie would've been the best romance movie of all time. She's only getting older. Still a little exposure time left in her.

I give this movie two people giving in to the passage of time, unable to perform the sexual calisthenics of their youth, staring into each others' eyes passionately, comfortably, intimately, truly, madly, deeply in a savage garden of love and lust, navigating hand-in-hand through that treacherous world we call "marriage"...

Definitely, Maybe

2009-02-12T17:30:00.003-10:00

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Elizabeth Banks, Isla Fisher, Rachel Weisz, Kevin Kline, Abigail Breslin

Ryan Reynolds is on the cusp of entering superstardom. I'm calling it now. I'd put him in my Top Five Cool White Guys. That PCHS VP is #2,174 on my list. I'm not gay or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Not like our Hui Lokahi kid who checks out Dave from time to time. Better watch your back, Amy.

Anyway, DEFINITELY, MAYBE is about this guy (Reynolds) and his daughter (Breslin) and how he's about to divorce her mom, so he tells his personal story of all the girls in his life and the daughter gets to guess which one turned out to be her mother. It's like a romantic comedy/mystery. Funny, cute, a bit suspenseful. Not like THE SIXTH SENSE suspenseful. More like "Who the hell just squeezed cheese in here?" kinda suspenseful.

You get to see all the trials and tribulations of dating. You get to meet all the different girls. You get to see the cutesy chemistry between Breslin and Reynolds. I kinda like that guy. He was also in SMOKIN' ACES, THE AMITYVILLE HORROR, and the underrated Joe-Joe 1/2Man, 1/2Amazing pick JUST FRIENDS. Three different movies. Three different performances. Pretty versatile. Not bad at all. He's got that screen presence.

Although Beautiful cried at the end, she didn't really care for the movie. I thought it was not bad. A good watch. Not great as far as romantic comedies go, but I liked it. If you care, I won't give away which girl it was. I won't even tell you which girl I liked 'cause that would probably give it away. If you watch it, you'll pretty much figure it out anyway. What if everybody made a reality movie about their love life? Wouldn't that be pretty interesting? Maybe. Maybe not.

I give this movie two people meeting at work and falling in love. Nah, too boring. That's just too commonplace these days...

Wanted

2009-02-08T22:29:00.003-10:00

Starring: hottie Angelina Jolie, James McAvoy (from ATONEMENT), Morgan Freeman, and Common

Talk about a letdown. All that starpower. And then they had to go make a silly version of THE MATRIX. What a waste of talent. What a waste of Angelina Jolie. Well, at least we caught a glimpse of her junk in her trunk in a wet scene.

Let me give you the breakdown. I'm not making this up. WANTED is about this office-working loser guy who gets verbally abused everyday by his hefty lady-boss and has his girlfriend sexually abused by his best friend (if you know what I mean). Everyone picks on him until, out of the blue, he's approached by the appropriately named Fox (Jolie) who tells him that his daddy was an assassin. What?! The beginning up to this point was pretty hilarious. Yeah, don't know if this movie was a comedy or not, but McAvoy's inner narrative was pretty funny.

After he meets Jolie, Freeman, and Common, the movie gets wacky. He learns how to curve bullets. He gets his a$$ kicked by this secret fraternity of assassins only to heal every night by soaking himself in this weird, wax-looking bath. They have a loom which makes cloth that has threads that have binary codes weaved into them. This is how they figure out who's to be killed next. They flip cars all over the damn place like it's some Cirque du Soleil performance. They can't have regular shootouts. They have to shoot each others' bullets. Jolie ooofs McAvoy, Freeman, and Common. Okay, I made that part up. But the rest really happened in the movie.

Don't get me wrong. The movie was pretty entertaining. It was just too over-the-top. It was kinda funny. You got to see Jolie naked from the back. Light. Thoughtless. Escape-your-life-for -an-hour-and-a-half type movie. But just too fake. Not that all movies are real, but I don't feel like suspending belief that much. The origin of these assassins and what they could do was just a little too ridiculous. Seems like some teenager was trying to make-up his own comic book hero and this is the movie based on it. The special effects were Matrix-like, but just not as cool.

If you wanna see Jolie's a$$, go rent this movie. She actually looked a little famished, but I still thought she belongs in my Top Five. She just can't help it. She's sexy even when she looks like one of her adopted kids. She's so believable in these kick-a$$ roles. They should make a movie where she's like this stripper by day, ninja at night. Or maybe stripper by day and night, ninja on her off days. I'd watch it. Anyway, I give this movie two Ethiopians starving until this milf cums along and rescues them and breastfeeds their daddy and pushes all the right Benjamin Buttons until he's globetrotting all over the world with her just to get a taste of the punani power as they all live happily ever after...

Pride and Glory

2009-02-03T19:17:00.005-10:00

Starring: Colin Farrell, Edward Norton, Jon Voight

What the hell happened to Colin Farrell? Wasn't he on the fast track to superstardom? Wasn't he in all those good movies with superb actors being groomed to become the next big thing? Wasn't he ooofing Britney Spears? Okay, maybe that was Justin Timberlake.

PRIDE AND GLORY is your basic family cop movie. Not "family" like your whole family including your little rugrats can watch this movie, too. I'm talking more literally, as in cops who are also in the same family. Edward Norton's brother-in-law is Colin Farrell and they're on the force together. Also, Norton's dad (Voight) and bro are protecting and serving, too. Wasn't Norton ooofing Salma Hayek at one time or another? Muy caliente, ese!!

Funny thing is, I've felt like I've seen this movie before. It's called WE OWN THE NIGHT. Mixed with some TRAINING DAY. You'll see.

Anyway, I can't reveal much. Pretty good movie. A bunch of cops get killed at the beginning and they spend the rest of the movie looking for this drug dealer dude who was supposedly at the scene. Norton's supposed to be cop genius, his bro is Captain Kangaroo, his dad is haole Boisse Correa, and Farrell is the kick-a$$ cop. They're all trying to figure out what the hell is going down, while you (the viewer) kinda already know what happened. Still nice to see it all unwind though. Wasn't Voight trying to ooof Angelina Jolie? Okay, sorry. That's some f@cked-up incestual bull$hit...

Like I said, pretty good movie. Not great, but not bad. Problem is, I felt like I've just seen this movie recently. WE OWN THE NIGHT was definitely better. I give this movie two motorcycle cops hiding behind the bushes with their radar guns and donuts, tracking you down for going 61.5 mph in a 60 mph zone, while the real criminals are f@cking up the local intermediate school and getting away with it every damn weekend...

Burn After Reading

2009-02-01T11:00:00.005-10:00

Starring a star-studded cast: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton, and Frances McDormand (from Fargo)

Okay, right off the bat, this movie sucked a$$!! I've never seen a movie this bad since STRICTLY BALLROOM. I know the Coen brothers are supposed to be geniuses and $hit, but I think they missed the boat on this one.

The only thing good about this movie was Brad Pitt playing this total doofus. He was so UN-cool that it was hilarious. He was dancing and saying all this airheaded stuff and talking in this weird intonation. He had on his iPod half the time and was drinking Jamba Juice. It was totally out of character in a good way. He was the only good thing in the movie. Well, John Malkovich was his usual quirky self. He did a lot of yelling and swearing. Clooney was a goofball perv screwing all these women behind his wife's back. He even made a sex machine complete with a rubber dildo. That was funny. McDormand was her usual doe-eyed self. Kind of tiring.

BURN AFTER READING is about this recently-fired CIA analyst (Malkovich) who writes a memoir that gets found at this gym where Pitt and McDormand work. They think that it's top secret stuff, so they try to bribe Malkovich and eventually try to turn it over to the Russians. Problem is, no one gives a $hit. In the meantime, Clooney gets mixed up with this implausible situation when he starts boning Tilda, who's Malkovich's bitchy wife. Clooney's this Treasury dude who knows Malkovich, is boning his wife, and later, somehow starts boning McDormand, too. He also meets Pitt later in the movie. You'll see. Or maybe you won't 'cause you shouldn't see this movie. What the f@ck? That's what I was thinking the whole time.

Anyway, maybe I'm retarded, but I was lost the entire movie and didn't find any of it funny, except for Pitt. It's like the movie had no point. It's like the whole movie was an inside joke for the Coens, the cast, and maybe their mom. FARGO was a good movie. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN was an awesome movie! This movie, I don't know what they were going for.

Anyway (again), terrible movie. They should just grab all Brad Pitt's scenes and smash 'em together to show on YouTube. I give this movie two matches to start a bonfire to burn after reading this $hitty-a$$ script...

Gran Torino

2009-01-31T09:25:00.004-10:00

Starring: Clint Eastwood and a bunch of Gooks

First and foremost, let me just say that this was a good movie. Great movie, even. But, awesome? I don't know about that. We thought it may have been a tiny bit overhyped. We liked it though, nonetheless. We'd put it up there with SEVEN POUNDS.

GRAN TORINO is about this grisly, grumpy, pretty-much-racist Korean War vet who lives among Hmong people. He actually lives alone in his house since his wife died and his kids and grandkids just ignore him, unless they want something from him, but the Asians have surrounded him and taken over the neighborhood. The usual gangs and no-manners kids permeate the neighborhood and he literally growls at the deterioration of society. All he wants is a clean lawn and everyone to stay off of it.

The movie starts slow, but then gets entertaining as Walt (Eastwood) befriends this helpless kid next door who's being bullied by his cousins. Soon, everyone realizes that behind his gruff exterior lies a heart of gold. He teaches the boy to be a man and mingles with the boy's sister and family. Trouble lurks behind the Great yellow Wall though. That's all I'll reveal.

Let's just say that the heart of the movie is in its over-the-top, racist, but funny dialogue. Eastwood spews it out like someone who's been really thinking it his whole life. We were dying listening to him. His raspy, Christian-Bale-as-THE-DARK-KNIGHT delivery was cracking us up. If you watch the credits at the end, you'll hear him singing, I think. Sounded like him.

Also, you get to see DIRTY HARRY reborn with his tough attitude whupping some wanksta a$$. Don't mess with this septuagenarian!! Eastwood can act. That guy's a legend. Who Hmong us can act? Nobody. The brother/sister soy sauce combo were killing me, but then I just pretended I was watching a kung fu movie and it was fine.

I've never really heard of Hmongs until I watched this movie. Learn something new every day. The girl in the movie was cracking me up with her sass. Eastwood's interaction with her and her brother were priceless.

As for the Gran Torino, you'll find out. Definitely go watch this movie. It's kinda like MILLION DOLLAR BABY where you like the acting and the story, but may find it slow if drama is not your thing. Great movie. I don't know if it was meant to be a comedy, but we were laughing throughout. I give this movie two yellow, slant-eyed, rice-packing, algebra-studying Gooks trying to reach an old, shriveled, saggy, diaper-wearing, 'aina-stealing, cracker White guy...

Eagle Eye

2009-01-25T12:05:00.003-10:00

Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan, Billy Bob Thornton, Rosario Dawson, the bald guy from the SHIELD, this black guy from some black movie that I'm sure my wife likes

EAGLE EYE was a pretty damn good movie. I was impressed. Think ENEMY OF THE STATE, THE NET, and/or WAR GAMES mixed together with a lot of steroids. The entire movie was action-packed and filled with suspense. I don't think I've seen this kind of edge-of-your-seat, non-stop action in a while. Didn't pump the brakes at all.

Eagle Eye is about a twin slacker and a single mother who somehow get forced into terrorist-like mini-missions by this anonymous female phone caller. She can see their every move and can, with the help of our convenient little technology devices, pretty much control their lives. Man versus machine(s), to say the very least.

Shia and Monaghan are running for their lives and running from the law. Their connection to all this madness is revealed later, so I won't talk about it here. I will say that Rosario Dawson is the sexiest lizard that I've ever laid eyes on. She's another one who hides her "kids" well. I kept expecting Billy Bob to go all BAD SANTA on someone. He's a good actor. And he ooofed Angelina.

Shia has the X-factor. Has he made a bad movie? Talk about luck, opportunity, and talent all lining up at the same time. That guy's got it good. He plays the everyman-slacker-who-has-to-battle-his-way-out-of-an-impossible-situation well. Check his movies. Is that his appeal? I always seem to like his movies.

Great guy movie. Technology and action. It was almost like a Bruckheimer movie. Why is it that in every action movie, if there's a guy and a girl, they have to hook up? Action sequences create sexual chemistry? I hate that. Except for that, excellent action movie. I give it two iPods with 22X more "gibs" than mine taking over our lives...

Get Smart

2009-01-25T11:40:00.002-10:00

Starring: Too many people to name, but mainly the Rock, Steve Carell, and buxom Anne Hathaway

GET SMART is a remake of the classic TV series. They should've left it on the small screen. I hated it then. Not much more to like now. Even with everybody and their mother in the cast.

Steve Carell plays the likable screw-up well. The Rock played the ladies' man agent. Hathaway was the sexy agent. LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE's gramps was the agents' chief. The Asian HEROES dude played some geek in the agents' office. I think even James Caan was in here as the President of the US. Bill Murray was in here. Puddy from SEINFELD, too.

Anyway, Maxwell Smart did his usual, clumsy agent work, while mixing in some timely brilliance. It was kinda funny. Carell had his usual share of one-liners. They should've at least let Anne Hathaway show her grenades like they did in BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. She gotta be less Jennifer Love-Hewitt and more Angelina Jolie. Gotta flaunt it when you got it.

Get Smart is what you would get if you combined any James Bond movie with THE PINK PANTHER. Who the hell wants to see that? I guess I was dumb enough to watch it.

Not good at all. Not terrible, but just extremely uninteresting. A light movie to maybe show tweener kids. Maybe Kahia and Kawai would've liked it if they were a little older. I give this movie two juggs of milk dying to come out of the fridge...

Saw V

2009-01-23T21:46:00.005-10:00

Okay, I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to review this movie without giving up anything, but here goes nothing...

The only person worth mentioning that's in this movie is Meagan Good. And lately, she hasn't been showing us the goods. I don't know what happened to her. She used to be kinda hot. Ever since THE GURU, she's been looking kinda frumpy. What's going on?

SAW V is about trying to figure out who the hell else was helping the Jigsaw kill people. Yeah, believe it or not, he's still causing chaos, even though he died in SAW IV, and someone is still helping him carry out his gruesome torture puzzles.

Who is it? How'd they do it? How does this all fit together? Who gives a flying f@ck?

Apparently, we do. What I really love about the Saw series is the sadistic creativity. How do they come up with this evil, demented $hit? What if people start copying? Could they? You gotta admit, as f@cked-up as Jigsaw is, he gives them a choice to live. He gives them a chance. He's like Kevin Spacey in SEVEN. And anyway, aren't all his victims bad guys? Not saying anyone deserves this, but maybe they do. Am I f@cked-up?

You get to see more torture. You get to see more sick, but creative puzzles. You get to see how the Saw movies are all connected. You get to realize that you can't remember what the hell you saw in the previous Saw movies anyway. Blood, gore, and puzzles. It's like porn seeing the same thing over and over, but wanting more. Not that I watch porn. That's what I've heard.

I personally liked this movie. So did my lovely wife. It's kinda cool waiting on the next puzzle and seeing if they'll make it out alive or not. Or maybe we have this terrible desire to see someone get tortured. What's this fascination with blood and gore?

Pretty good movie. Better than all them FRIDAY THE 13TH movies. I give this movie two high heels to your nads and a Ginsu to your Johnson...

Dan in Real Life

2009-01-19T11:13:00.007-10:00

Starring: Steve Carell, that girl from CHOCOLAT, that lesbian lover of Ross's ex-wife in FRIENDS, and Dane Cook

Okay, I finally saw a movie that I didn't particularly like. The critics liked it. Wifey liked it and somehow managed to cry again. I was kind of irritated by it for some reason. And that's while dying laughing during a couple of parts.

DAN IN REAL LIFE is about this widower dad and his three daughters and their kooky, near-Mormon family (they play board games and have talent shows). Dan and the girls spend time with his fam, and on an innocent break-from-the-kids-drive to the library, he meets and falls for this wonderful girl...who actually ends up being his brother's (Dane Cook's) girlfriend.

And it's not just one way either. Supposedly, there's a "connection" there. But she, like most women, toys with him and stays alongside the bro even though she flirts with Dan out of sight from the fam. Why would a girl do that? Because she can. Power of the pu$$y. This drives Dan crazy as he gets blue balls.

The only time when the girl has problems with this "vibe" between them is when...SURPRISE!...Dan takes another hotter-than-her girl on a date and she feels replaced. Irreplaceable? To the left, to the left, everything you own in the box to the left...

So why didn't I like this movie? I'll tell you. First of all, I didn't think the girl was as wonderful and amazing as Dan, the bro, and the fam thought. They were all gaga over her. Especially Dan's kids. They tried to make her character the all-world traveling, well-versed in every topic Bohemian girl who could play football with the boys and shake her moneymaker while doing yoga. It didn't work for me. That girl from CHOCOLAT? Come on! Just 'cause she gave Johnny Depp a taste of her chocolate truffle?

Also, I didn't feel the chemistry between the two of them. Like I know what I'm talking about. Just my opinion. Dane Cook was funny when he was singing. Otherwise, he was kind of unfunny. Carell was his usual, dorky, funny self, but you didn't feel like he was a writer, which he was. The movie title is his newspaper column's title. He just seemed like he was hated on by his kids. How'd you like to be with three girls? Only in a hotel. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr!

I didn't like it. If you're a fan of Carell, this might be the movie. Otherwise, watch his other stuff. I give this movie two crusty, cobwebbed 40 YEAR OLD VIRGINs...

Meet the Browns

2009-01-17T23:26:00.004-10:00

Another Tyler Perry classic.

MEET THE BROWNS is an emotional movie about a single mom (are all Black moms single?) and her stereotypical struggles to raise her three children the right way. She has to go to a funeral in Georgia for her own dad that she hardly knew so that we can meet the crazy Brown family. And are they ever crazy.

This is the part of the movie where we get to meet Leroy Brown, a colorful character not unlike Madea that is part of the Tyler Perry world. He supposedly slept with Madea. He's just as crazy, dresses like a Filipino, and says all the wrong words in the wrong places like our 'ukulele teacher. He was funny as hell.

Rick Fox is in the movie playing a former NBA player who got divorced from his wife. Hmmm... Angela Bassett plays the struggling single mom. Is it me or does Bassett always look like she can kick some deadbeat dad a$$ if she really wanted to?

Apparently, the Brown family was unaware that their daddy had another daughter (Bassett), so when she shows up at their home with her kids, they don't know who the hell she is. Kooky as they are, she (and us, the viewers) realize(s) that your family is there to support you whenever you need them. She also learns that guys are only charming when they want to get in your pants. Just kidding. But not really.

Again, Perry gets us all riled up by showing us some scenes with Bassett and the a$$hole father of one of her kids. That muthaf@cker is cold as ice. Be prepared to yell at the screen. Maybe even throw something. Beautiful was crying throughout the movie. You moms are gonna feel that $hit.

Great movie. I'd put it third or even fourth among his movies. Yeah, we've seen them all. Not at the theaters though. Too dangerous. Might get shot. I give this movie two kids being well-taken care of by their beautiful mama...

The Holiday

2009-01-16T23:04:00.003-10:00

Wow. Gotta admit. This movie was. Pretty. Damn. Good.

Why I think chicks dig this chick flick:

1) They all fantasize about going to a foreign land and being swept off their feet by some local speaking and doing much more in his native tongue.

2) They all fantasize that that guy will be Jude Law.

3) Every girl's had a one-night stand or wants to, but won't admit to either one.

4) Girls are suckers for newfound love. (Translation: If girls played in the NBA, they would lead the league in rebounds.)

5) Girls always want to be where they're not.

6) All girls have fallen for that one guy (or five) that they shouldn't have and can relate to Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet.

7) Did I mention that they all fantasize about Jude Law?

Not bad at all. I'm beginning to think that Kate Winslet is a pretty damn good actress. She makes good movies. And, for some reason, always seems to be ooofing in them. Not this movie though. Jack Black has the X-factor. Not good looking, but attractive somehow. Not that I'm gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I give this movie two-night stands in a foreign land with Jude Law as your man, wham, bam, thank you, ma'am...

The Family That Preys

2009-01-16T22:20:00.004-10:00

Before I say anything else, let me just say that Tyler Perry is a genius. That guy's movies takes you on an emotional Magic Mountain roller coaster ride. And after puking, you wanna go back and ride it again.

THE FAMILY THAT PREYS stars Sanaa Lathan, Robin Givens, Kathy Bates, and some other Black people probably well-known to other Black people. This movie was the shizzle, my nizzle!

I have to admit that lately, Tyler Perry's recent releases haven't been that great, but this one was on point, yo! I'd have to place it second behind DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN.

Perry's movies always seem to have that perfect dark blend of sassy comedy, deep religious spirituality, and that one too-real emotional scene that makes you go, "Damn!!" Or at least that's what I imagine all the Black people yelling at the theaters. It always deals with heart-wrenching family or relationship problems. The kind that we all may have, but don't want to talk about. Perry brings it to light in all his movies and that's why his movies are so emotional and passionate and well-received. He keeps it real!

This movie is about a rich White family and a blue-collar Black family and how they survive in their respective worlds. You get to see the differences in their cultures, but you also get to see their striking similarities. We're all just trying to survive. We all have problems. I'm actually having problems explaining what this movie is about. All I can say is that it was damn good!! One of the better movies I've seen in awhile.

The characters in this movie were pretty fascinating. You had the wealthy, live-life-to-the-fullest, cold, but really caring mom (Bates). You had the giving, straight-laced, religious mom. You had the cold-blooded, arrogant, womanizing son. You had the condescending, snobby, sleep-her-way-to-the-top wife (Lathan). You had two hard-working husbands. You had the scorned wife. You had that hooker from HUSTLE & FLOW.

Like all his movies, the characters are trying to deal with life the best way they know how. Some are doing it the right way. Some are f@cking up. You get to yell at the screen. You feel what the characters feel. The righteous prevail at the end. The sinners get what they deserve.

Excellent movie. I highly recommend it. Makes you appreciate your own family. Or at least, reflect on your own. I give this movie two "What the f@ck?"s and a "Good for that bitch!!"...

Appaloosa

2009-01-16T13:45:00.003-10:00

Starring: Ed Harris (director), Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, Jeremy Irons

APPALOOSA is a cowboy movie about two "guns for hire" (Viggo and Harris) who have to rid the town of some outlaw played by Jeremy Irons. Not exactly an original Western concept, but it works nonetheless. Our heroes have been doing this for quite awhile, so they actually have no problems apprehending our villain. Only one thing could possibly screw them up...

Yup, you guessed it. THEIR D!CKS! Pu$$y tends to screw up d!cks, or rather, get screwed BY d!cks. Anytime there's a woman around, things go awry. Renee Zellweger comes into the movie and shakes her a$$ around and before you know it, Ed and Viggo take their eye off the prize. Or rather, they have their eyes on the wrong prize. Depends on your point of view.

Nah, this movie doesn't show any explicit sex. In fact, it hardly shows any kissing. But we know what's going down. Ed Harris, that is.

Anyway, the beauty of this movie lies within the wonderful acting abilities of the cast. Check the credits above. In particular, Ed Harris is the main stallion of the herd, but his character is a bit illiterate, and a simple man who knows his job well, but can't figure out women. Viggo is Robin to Ed's Batman, and seems a bit satisfied with that role because of the respect he has for his buddy. Irons plays the villain well, a role he seems to live and breathe in real life. Zellweger succeeds in being the sophisticated tramp, irritating as hell.

I think the critics liked this movie. I thought it was not bad. Hard to compare with not many Westerns being showed nowadays. 3:10 TO YUMA was much better.

I give this movie two not so YOUNG GUNS trying to bring an unrepentant, UNFORGIVEN man to justice when THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY happen as soon as a LADY AND THE TRAMP show up...

Stop-Loss

2009-01-14T18:52:00.004-10:00

Starring: Mr. Ex-Witherspoon and some average White dude who was in some average dance movie (my wife knows his name)...

STOP-LOSS is about this young decorated war hero who returns home after his tour of duty in Iraq only to be ordered to get his a$$ back out there even though he was about to retire from the army. This unfortunately common practice is called "Stop-Loss." My wife gave her Balderdash definition: "It's when they're stopping the loss of good soldiers leaving the military..." Sounds good to me.

Anyway, Phillippe goes AWOL as he tries to find a way around this bull$hit. Again, this really happens to soldiers in real life. Imagine having survived a war only to be told to go out and try your luck again. Proud to be an American and fight for your country? I don't know about that. You can count me and Eric Watada out.

The movie also portrays the traumatizing side of the war as soldiers try to function in the real world when they get back home. It's some startling stuff. Makes you sympathize with our soldiers if you didn't already.

I usually don't like war movies, but this one was not bad. Graphic war violence at the beginning. Sympathetic drama at the end. Not bad at all. I give this movie and all the soldiers fighting for our country two salutes...

The Cooler

2009-01-12T18:10:00.002-10:00

This may very well be the last movie of the break...

Starring: William H. Macy, Alec Baldwin, that guy from OFFICE SPACE, and even one-fifth of NSYNC...sorry, not Justin Timberlake.

THE COOLER is a movie about this guy who works at a Las Vegas casino whose sole job is to "cool down" gamblers on a roll. How does he do this? He simply goes to their table or slot machine and stands there. Yup, the premise is that he's such a loser, his loser-ness rubs off on people. Apparently, this may have been an old school Vegas casino practice.

William H. Macy plays the loser and his boss and only friend is played by Alec Baldwin. Baldwin's boss methods are also old school. He rules with some old-fashioned Vegas physicality. He disturbingly beats on people. He seems to be fighting his own demons.

The movie gets interesting when Macy's about to retire. You get to see the inner workings of an old Fremont-style casino and see Macy's luck turn as he meets his very own Lady Luck. All of a sudden, he can't do his job effectively. This puts his boss/friend in an awkward position.

This is a character-study type movie. Surprisingly, I'm liking these types of movies lately. You can only watch so many popcorn movies. Once in awhile, I gotta get all deep on you. That's what she said.

Any movie in Vegas always draws me in, but in contrast to the bright lights of the strip, the down-and-out, depressing characters also intrigued me. This stark contrast between Vegas mirage and real people is what gives this movie a unique feel. It's like eating chocolate pretzels. What??

Anyway, good movie. Do I ever watch any bad movies? How can that be? I give this movie two more round-trip tickets to Viva Las Vegas to renew our vows every year...

Traitor

2009-01-11T18:07:00.004-10:00

Starring: Underrated Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, and some White dude who my wife just loves from that TV series BOOMTOWN and the Rock movie, WALKING TALL

TRAITOR is an excellent movie about this Muslim American ex-military special ops guy (Cheadle) who hangs out with terrorists. They all love him and just think he's the bomb. Hardy, har, har, har!

As the FBI tries to figure out where the next bomb is going to drop, the rest of us have to figure out where Cheadle's loyalties lie. Very intriguing $hit. Some action. A little suspense. Cheadle's excellent acting performance. Only thing missing was some hot girls. Maybe you can't be Muslim and hot. They'd cover your face anyway.

Usually, I can't stand this type of military intelligence/ government conspiracy bull$hit, but Cheadle's acting and the action made it bearable. It also kinda gave you a moral theme to think about which appealed to your moral compass. Makes you wonder about the state of the world and all them crazy wars going on. Makes you think about America and how we really are in relation to the rest of the world. Are we the victims of terrorism? Or are we the ones who need a PBS lesson in bullying?

Good drama. Good movie. Beats all the mindless stuff I've been watching lately. I give this movie two bombs to blow up that wannabe firecracker a$$hole terrorizing our neighborhood...

The Heartbreak Kid

2009-01-10T17:11:00.003-10:00

Starring: the underrated Ben Stiller, his vulgar dad in real-life, Carlos Mencia, that hilarious FOOT FIST WAY guy, Michelle Monaghan, and an all-too-brief cameo by Eva Longoria.

I don't know who played Stiller's wife, but that poor man's Cameron Diaz was funny as hell!

THE HEARTBREAK KID is about a guy who falls in love, gets married, and quickly finds out that his wife is not the perfect girl that he first met, but is really crazy as $hit. Not exactly an original concept. Any guy with a video camera could film this movie in his own home. Just kidding...

Anyway, while on his honeymoon, he meets another girl and is convinced that she's the one for him. Is this guy a member of a Mormon singles' ward? Just kidding...

Ben Stiller's great at playing the everyman in awkward relationship situations. My wife noticed that his hair is starting to gray. THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY, MEET THE PARENTS, ALONG CAME POLLY. This guy has got that role down. I didn't expect this movie to have so much quasi-ooofing. Like I said, that chick "nailed" the part. Hardy, har, har, har!

I didn't know until the credits that the Farrelly Brothers made this movie. No wonder it was so funny. You know, raunchy humor with heart. Judd Apatow has stolen everyone's thunder lately, so I didn't know it was them. Man, Apatow stole Kevin Smith's thunder, too.

Excellent, light comedy. Ben Stiller's funny as usual. Pu$$y crushing. I liked it. I highly recommend this movie as a date movie. Short on time and enough glimpses of sex that could pass as foreplay.

I give this movie two marriages...'nuff said...no comment...awkward...bye...

Escape to Witch Mountain

2009-01-10T16:45:00.004-10:00

That's right. We're taking it back to the old school. Pre-school maybe even...

Starring: Kawai...narrating the movie every 30 seconds..."That man is nice, yeah, mom?" "The kids have powers, right, mom?"

ESCAPE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN is about these two foster kids who have a vague recollection of their parents and, for some reason, have these extraordinary powers (telepathy, telekinesis, annoying harmonica playing), both of which they're trying to figure out the origin of. Basically, they're trying to figure out their way home...wherever that may be. Along the way, some rich men looking to abuse their powers are chasing after them.

I missed seeing this movie when I was a kid. I wanted to see it. I think the main problem was we didn't have a Betamax. OR maybe there weren't any around yet. Thank goodness for DVRs today.

Except for the 70's special effects, this movie was as good as I thought it would be. Especially for kids. I'm pretty sure Da Lil' Manongs enjoyed it. If they could hear any of it through Kawai's talking. This is one of Mami's all time favorite kid movies.

Good Disney movie. Good clean, family fun. Like Sunset at the Beach without drunk, homeless people. I give this movie two kids who have the ability to mess with my head and move things around the house without putting it back...

FYI, I heard the remake is going to feature the Rock. Yup, got me ear to the cinemas...

Timber Falls

2009-01-08T11:09:00.003-10:00

Okay, remember, we're on that cult horror buzz...

Starring: Who the f@ck knows? Some white people.

TIMBER FALLS is this movie about a hiker couple that end up in the wrong place forced to serve the wishes of this f@cked-up religious fanatic old couple. Part HOSTEL. Part SAW. Part THE HILLS HAVE EYES. Be ready for lots of blood and gore.

You had your torture scenes. You had your severing of body parts. You had your prerequisite ooofing in the tent while camping scene. This movie had it all!!

Believe it or not, we both enjoyed this movie. Beautiful was scared as usual. I got off on the extremity of them cutting off extremities. It was pretty funny in a way. You gotta go in with a certain attitude to watch these kinds of movies. You can't be critiquing every scene expecting some Academy Award winning performance or scene. You gotta watch it for what it's worth: pure-blooded entertainment.

For a horror B-movie, I thought it was pretty good. Beautiful liked it as well. So much so that she actually watched it last night by herself while I fell asleep. I ended up watching it this morning while she's snoozing now. If you like movies where you don't have to think and there's blood flying everywhere for no damn reason, this is the flick for you. I think I'm getting immune to all this cult horror lame-acting-lame-story stuff. Scary.

I give this movie two people ooofing in a tent at TIMBER FALLS rather than at BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN...not that there's anything wrong with that...(Seinfeld reference #69)

The House Bunny

2009-01-07T23:09:00.003-10:00

Starring: Anna Faris and a whole bunch of Playmates. Bruce Willis's daughter was in here. So was Tom Hanks' son. So was that American Idol Katharine McPhee girl.

THE HOUSE BUNNY is about this foster girl who somehow ends up living at the Playboy mansion only to be evicted while waiting to be the next Playmate of the month. Come on. You wouldn't watch this movie for the plot would you?

Anyway, Faris (from all the SCARY MOVIEs) plays the house bunny who gets kicked out of the mansion and somehow ends up living at a sorority house where she teaches the loser, nerdy sorority how to be sexy and popular. I know what you're thinking. This movie wasn't as $hitty as you would think though.

Anna Faris got that dumb blonde role locked up. Wonder if she's really like that in real life. She's funnier than Jessica Simpson was on that reality show. Her expressions are priceless. And, bonus for the guys, she actually looked kinda decently hot. Not bad at all.

The Playmates played (with) themselves. Hugh Hefner was in it, too. I don't know about his three girlfriends, but Hef can act pretty good. I guess when you gotta act like a playboy your whole life, acting in a movie is a piece of cake. Or a slice of cherry pie. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr.

Comparable to a poor director's CLUELESS or LEGALLY BLONDE, this movie is not all about t!ts and a$$. Well, maybe a little. It's really about capturing the beauty that resides in all of us and expressing this inner beauty by whatever means necessary even if it means getting fake boobs or hiking up your skirt so that men everywhere will be drawn in and then notice your beauty that comes from deep within your burgeoning bosoms. Just like no one notices fat people who dress well, no one notices how nice ugly people are. Beauty's only skin deep...but it is this beauty that helps people feel better about you.

I give this movie two milkshakes...and some warm apple cider...

Righteous Kill

2009-01-07T22:46:00.003-10:00

Starring: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, 50 Cent, John Leguizamo, and Donnie Wahlberg

RIGHTEOUS KILL is the long-awaited sequel to HEAT featuring arguably two of the greatest, most intense actors of your parents' generation. Just kidding about the sequel part.

The movie was about these two on-the-way-out detectives trying to solve a bunch of serial killings connected by its violence, guns, and poems left at the scenes. A moral dilemma is presented early on which affects latter chain of events in the movie. The acting, as expected, was top-notch. It even surprisingly rubbed off on 50. Pacino was cracking me up the whole movie with his one-liners and his over-the-top acting. De Niro was his usual succinct, intense self.

Along with our protagonists trying to solve the murders, you, the viewer, must try to decipher what the hell is going on, too. I find that the older I get, the more I find myself rewinding $hit 'cause I can't understand what the hell's going on. It's not that it's hard to figure out. I guess when it comes down to it, I try to understand how everything is connected, so I end up confusing myself. Let's blame it on the OCD.

Good movie despite some nitpicky negative reviews. I think when you get two Goliaths together everyone expects the best movie ever made. It was still better than most. Kept me watching. Wasn't boring. Wahlberg and Leguizamo were funny, too.

If you like cop movies, you'll like this one. I give this movie two screen legends still burning up the screen with their intensity. Pretty impressive...

Jumper

2009-01-06T20:48:00.003-10:00

Starring: Hayden Christensen, Rachel Bilson, Samuel L. Jackson, Diane Lane (for about 30 seconds), and that girl from TWILIGHT (about 5 seconds)

How you gonna have Diane Lane in the movie for only two scenes. At least one of those scenes she should've been jumping out of her thong. It reminded me of that movie EXECUTIVE DECISION where everyone thought Steven Seagal was in the movie and he died in the first 10 minutes.

Anyway, let's "jump" back to the movie. Hardy har har! JUMPER is about this guy who can teleport everywhere and eventually uses his powers to rob a bank and pretty much just travel the world. He likes this one girl from high school days. Everyone thinks he's dead 'cause he teleported for the first time away from everybody and never went back. That's pretty much it for the first half of the movie.

Then, Samuel L. Jackson shows up and all hell breaks loose as usual. He's part of another group of freaks called Paladins whose mission, for some unexplained reason, is to regulate and kill Jumpers.

I don't know about the story, but the teleportation and fighting was pretty cool. STAR WARS had light sabers. HARRY POTTER has their spells and $hit. This movie's effects were kinda cool, too. At least I thought so. Somehow, although there's no point, I got caught up in all the exotic locales and varying combinations of teleportation. It was kinda cool and different. Not like time travel, which has been done over and over. He moved through space instantaneously.

Hayden and Jackson have the inevitable showdown and, of course, he gets the girl setting up a sequel. Pretty predictable stuff, but visually stimulating. I liked this movie. Can you tell? Exceeded my expectations. Maybe that's the trick. Don't expect much.

I give this movie two hops, skip, and a...

Teeth

2009-01-06T20:21:00.004-10:00

Remember now, I'm on a cult horror flick kick. The more outrageous the movie, the better. Blame my lovely wife for buying me the awesome Roku for Xmas. That's like buying porn for a sex addict. Come to think of it, that'd probably be a good gift, too.

TEETH is about this Mormonish virgin (not saying that's bad, just comparing) chick who has sharp JAWS-teeth in her vajayjay. Yeah, that's right. I'm not making this $hit up.

She doesn't want to have sex, so it's not like it's attacking the neighborhood or anything. Just horny boys trying to de-virginize her, which, of course, try. Once she gets invaded, she plays the revenge game, manipulating some guys to deflower her Venus flytrap just so that she can teach 'em a lesson.

Her and her step-brother have this weird incestual vibe going on. The brother's banging his girlfriend at home, while she's trying to stay pure and innocent. At least at the beginning.

The soundtrack from this movie was stolen from Afterglow, this Mormon Christian-poppish group. Okay, I made that up, but it sure sounded like it. All the songs were chastity-related. Again, not a bad thing, just funny and fitting to the story.

I don't know if the director of this movie meant to be funny, spooky, disturbing, or send a message of abstinence or man-hating promiscuity. All I know was that this movie was kinda strange in a likeable way. Beautiful thought it was stupid, but she still watched it. It was like watching a car accident. A dirty hot rod ramming into a pure White mini Cooper...with sharp spikes sticking out of its trunk...

Light, strange, semi-enjoyable movie if that's your cup of tea. I'm sort of experimenting in this genre lately. I give this movie two bloody balls left after you get your eel chomped off by a piranha punani...

Quickie

2009-01-06T18:59:00.003-10:00

Okay, I'm going to pull a Patterson and briefly review each of these...

THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE - Not bad. I didn't buy the romantic link, but the story, I thought, was original enough to keep us watching. We both were pleasantly surprised.

IN THE REALM OF THE SENSES - Wondering what this is? It's a f@cked-up Japanese movie based on a true story about a nympho geisha and her master who end up f@cking each other to death. Not kidding. Non-stop, explicit, disturbing sex. Hard to get excited when you're sick to your stomach.

GRINDHOUSE: PLANET TERROR - Okay, this movie was the $hit!! It's a purposefully-done zombie B-movie that was so over-the-top that I just loved it. Led me to go on a cult horror flick kick.

GRINDHOUSE: DEATH PROOF - Twin bill of the previous movie. Quentin Tarantino's half. Surprisingly, it sucked a$$. Even though I know he did it on purpose, I didn't get the movie at all. The ending may be the only redeeming part of the movie. Especially if you're a girl.

I AM A SEX ADDICT - Our home movies. Just kidding. This was a comedy/documentary of some dude who wanted to chronicle his struggles with his addiction in a humorous, watchable manner. Don't expect a lot of sex. Don't expect LOL humor either. Kinda Indie funny.

SEVEN POUNDS - Will Smith's ambitious Oscar-seeking movie. We liked it. Probably biased though (me) since it's Will Smith. Rosario Dawson's the hottest lizard alive. She should've been on that TV series "V." Remember that? Good drama. Can't tell you anything 'cause of the twist. Well, I guess I've now told you there's a twist.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK - Not bad until this Stay-Puff Marshmallow Hulk came out and fought the real Hulk. They should've just let the Hulk "tear up" Liv Tyler. Good year for superhero movies, but this one is probably the worst.

KUNG FU PANDA - Overrated. We didn't much care for it. The cast of voices was like the New York Yankees of acting. All that talent, but can't feel the chemistry. Pixar would've done it better. Angelina Jolie's voice is still sexy though. She should do those Japanese Manga porn cartoons.

How's that? Short and sweet and my eyes don't hurt...

Movie Madness

2009-01-05T17:55:00.004-10:00

Okay, without further adieu, I present to you the long list of movies that I've seen since my last review. I've probably seen more, but this is what I can remember. I'll do reviews on some of them later. Like anyone cares...

The X-Files: I Want to Believe
In the Realm of the Senses
Grindhouse: Planet Terror
Grindhouse: Death Proof
I Am a Sex Addict
Seven Pounds
The Incredible Hulk
Kung Fu Panda
I Am Legend (again)

Huh...doesn't seem like a lot. I thought I saw more. Watched a lot of TV series on DVD, maybe that's why. Oh, well. There it is. Be back to review later. My eyes get sore when I blog too much...

The Longshots

2008-12-06T21:24:00.003-10:00

Featuring Ice Cube and that AKEELAH AND THE BEE girl.

THE LONGSHOTS is about a girl who plays quarterback for a championship Pop Warner football team based on a true story. It was your basic ROCKYish Disney sports movie. You notice Disney makes a lot of those inspirational sports movies? Surprisingly, they're all pretty good, too.

The girl, Jasmine, learns to play QB from her down-and-out former high school star uncle (Cube). Her daddy left her, but returns when she starts gaining notoriety. Fred Durst from Limp Bizkit actually directed this movie. Not bad.

I don't know why, but every time I think of Ice Cube, I think of one of his old rap videos when he was hating on MC Hammer and calling him a sellout. How ironic. What ever happened to that Nigg@ With Attitude? Nah, I actually like Ice Cube. Behind Will Smith, he's gotta be the second-best rapper-actor, right? He's like funny without being known for being funny. He needs to make another slammin' single like "Put Ya Back Into It" again. Or how 'bout another classic like "Ghetto Bird" or "It Was a Good Day." Or how 'bout making FRIDAY 15: Next, Next, Next, Next Friday with Dave Chappelle.

How come Black musicians can act? How come Black people in general can act? How come Chappelle turned down 50 million dollars?

Pretty good movie. Disneyish. Feel-good story. Perfect family movie. Perfect movie to show at school for Incentive Day. If I watch another one of these, I'm going to puke though. Too many happy endings. I'd rather go to a massage parlor for that...

Step Brothers

2008-12-04T20:58:00.000-10:00

Another Will Ferrell movie. Lots of laughs. Lots of quotable jokes. Who cares about the story?

Actually, STEP BROTHERS wasn't as good as his other stuff, but I kinda enjoyed it nonetheless. I've always liked Will Ferrell for some reason. My lovely wife hates him. She surprisingly liked this movie though.

Step Brothers is about these late thirty-year-old losers who both live with their parents and end up becoming step brothers 'cause their parents hook up and ooof on a whim. The predictable comedy ensues because now instead of just one loser living at home, both are living at home sharing a room together. They basically act like kids and argue like brothers would, except, of course, it's supposed to be funnier 'cause they're older.

Some parts are really silly. Other parts are hilarious. Mostly because they say childish things with adult language. Will Ferrell just has a way of saying things that always makes me laugh and think that he's pretty clever underneath all that silliness. I like him better than Ben Stiller.

I like when you watch the special features on the DVD and they show them ad-libbing the same scene twenty times saying different things off the top of their heads. That's when you get to see their true comedic genius. Where do they come up with some of this stuff?

This is a movie to watch to lighten the mood a bit. I wouldn't say that it's especially good, but it wasn't too bad either. Again, my wife seemed to like it and she hates Will Ferrell. I kinda felt like I was watching PEE-WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE except that there were two Pee-wee's and none of them were whacking off in the middle of a theater...

Twilight

2008-12-04T15:54:00.013-10:00

Hey, give me a burger, extra mayo, but hold the...

Whoa, Greg (at faculty mtg yesterday), you want some nachos with your...

Man, it stinks in here!! Who squeezed the...

Alright, we're going to take a picture. 1, 2, 3, say...

Once you get over the cheese whiz, I actually thought that TWILIGHT was pretty good. I think it's better that I didn't read the books 'cause I had a greater appreciation for the characters and story instead of spending the whole movie comparing between the two. Not bad at all for a teeny-bopper love-story chick-flick.

As I was watching the movie, I came up with my very own keen observations/questions:

1) Were you girls drooling over this guy when he was in HARRY POTTER?
2) Doesn't Edward look like EDWARD SCISSORHANDS?
3) Is it me or did the dad look exactly like Corey Feldman and Tom Cruise's love child?
4) The Cullen sisters were kinda hot!
5) Do you have to be Indian to be a werewolf?
6) How come Asian guys in the movies gotta be all goofy and/or head of the GT clique?
7) Did you know that Blackula was the Mormon doctor guy in HOUSE? (Props to my lovely wife for that one...)
8) I liked that Bella wasn't too pretty.
9) The baseball part was the best part to me.
10) I didn't feel the vibe between Bella and DANCES WITH WOLVES.

I understand clearly why all you bloodsuckin' girls like the Twilight books. It's the longing. The yearning. The forbidden love. The desire. The forever bad boy. The I-wanna-ooof-him-but-it-could-get-outta-control fantasy. You gals like the whole he-can't-control-himself-but-he's-trying thing going on with Edward. It's like he's respectful, so he's earned the right to violate you cocktease-contradiction thing you girls like to pull on guys for your own pleasure. It's like, yeah, you want us to see your ta-tas, but hey, don't stare, you perv!! Girls are from Mars, guys are in your anus.

Seriously, though, pretty good movie. Guess I have to wait for the whole bestiality love triangle to develop in the sequel, but so far, it kinda held my interest. I give this movie two distinct sexual fantasies slyly hidden in one cheesy love story written by a naughty Mormon girl who cleverly avoided being excommunicated...

Hancock

2008-11-29T10:28:00.003-10:00

Got your handCOCK right here!!

Okay, jokes aside, let me just say that I really like Will Smith in a non-homo way. In my mind, he's like the Jordan of movies right now. Whatever he's in is money. It'll be an excellent, entertaining movie that has everything (action, drama, comedy) in it.

That being said, I couldn't figure out why no one saw HANCOCK. The premise seemed original. A flawed superhero trying to better his public image. The possible situations and jokes seemed limitless. Especially since IRON MAN, THE DARK KNIGHT, THE INCREDIBLE HULK, not to mention SPIDER MAN and X-MEN were oversaturating our blockbuster summers. I thought everyone would be flocking to see Smith's latest endeavor.

The movie stared off fine and dandy. He's saving the world, but f@cking up by leaving behind a lot of property damage and injuries. Charlize Theron is in the movie looking hot as ever and Jason Bateman, Hancock's PR guy, was clever and funny as the everyman trying to repair Hancock's image. You get the whole Hancock saving the world by being a good guy awkward thing going on. It's pretty funny. It's kinda like those reality charm school shows where the hootchies gotta manner-up and be all ladylike and $hit even though they're all ghetto titas. You see the transformation.

BUT THEN...

Halfway through the movie, without warning, the story inexplicably changes gears and heads in another $hitbird direction. What the hell??!! I can't even tell you what happened. I DON'T want to tell you what happened. Talk about a rally killer. Talk about blue balls. Talk about a Handcock-tease!! Where the hell did this come from? It's like they just ran out of ideas and needed to fill in some time and went with the craziest idea possible. I was shocked!!

Will Smith. Charlize Theron. How the hell can these two let this happen? This is when I realized WHY people didn't go and see this movie. I'd have to put this up there with WILD WILD WEST.

Still though, more entertaining than most movies. Just not up to par with the Fresh Prince's usual standards. I give this movie two Bangkoks and a punani ping-pong hurling prostitute...

The Foot Fist Way

2008-11-23T19:35:00.002-10:00

Okay, I know this kinda sounds like a porno, but unfortunately, it's not. I'll be reviewing those next week.

THE FOOT FIST WAY is this movie that I heard about through the Indie movie underground that I often travel through on my way to Cannes. Yeah, I got my ear to the cinemas.

Actually, it's this Indie low-budget karate movie that was highly vouched for by one Will Ferrell. I figure if Will likes it and I like Will's movies, it's gotta be pretty funny. I was half right.

The movie is about this delusional haole tae kwan do instructor whose life mission is to teach tae kwan do to anybody crazy enough to take it from him and to become THE "demo" man. "Demos" are those ridiculous demonstrations you see where a clan of karate guys tour around your local area breaking wooden boards that don't hit back in an effort to recruit people to sign up for their lame-a$$ classes.

Funny thing is, when I was younger, my neighbor must've "trained" at one of these dojos 'cause he was always showing us that he could break boards, but we were always kicking the $hit out of his dumb a$$.

The instructor dude in the movie has a stripper-looking wife who humpty dumptys everyone she comes in contact with. Because of this, he gets even more absorbed in his demo work hitting on a female student, badly role modeling for some of his younger male students, and pretty much doing all kinds of funny, but awkward $hit. The guy's a complete loser, but he thinks he's God's gift to tae kwan do. The guy's so arrogant and irritating that it's hilarious to watch.

It reminded me of BORAT when you'd watch him do some crazy $hit to people and be so appalled by his audacity to do anything to pull off the joke that you'd laugh, but feel awkward and embarrassed for him (and his victims) at the same time. That's how I felt watching this movie.

I think most people wouldn't like this movie, but if you're looking for something totally different in the comedy realm to explore, by all means, take a shot and watch it. Critics liked it and Will Ferrell liked it, so there's your endorsement. OH, WAIT!! I figured it out! The guy in the movie acts like our very own Loveboat! Seriously!! You know how Loveboat swaggers around like he's the $hit, but everybody's just thinking he's a joke. Kinda like that, but even worse.

You get to watch the instructor teach classes, do demos, and travel to some tae kwan do conference to meet his action-star idol. It's almost like a documentary gone bad. And therein lies the humor.

I give this movie two dozen donuts in the morning sent to the office searching for friends at the other end...coming up empty...like the Jamba Juice/Starbucks cups that he desperately buys for those who continue to take advantage of him...

The Legend of the Shadowless Sword

2008-11-17T22:11:00.002-10:00

Crouching Kal Bi, Hidden Meat Jun. This movie is the $hit!!

After watching some recent squid luau crap, this movie was a breath of fresh air...with a hint of kim chee.

I loved this movie!! Now granted, Koreans can't do martial arts like the Chinese, but it was pretty damn good. Everybody was flying and fighting. Cool action scenes, yobo!!

If you watch closely, the wire work wasn't as steady as CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON, but it wasn't too shabby either. They were slipping and sliding, bobbing and weaving. I liked it. They didn't need to run on air though. They should just pose and glide like in Crouching Tiger. My own personal preference. Like I'm Bruce Lee or something.

(I think) The movie was about this one village trying to find their prince-heir to lead them to overthrow the present governing village regime. This one kinda hot Korean chick is responsible for bringing back the prince to his throne while this other kinda hot Korean chick with bigger eyes is trying to kill the prince. Both villages do battle to maintain dominance over the other. Some other Korean guys do battle with each other too, but all you Asians look alike, so I couldn't tell who was who. I didn't care either. I just wanted them to fight.

I think that Korean girls can't be pretty. They have an edge to their face. They have the bitchy-face look. Sexy? Maybe. Pretty? Tough call. I guess they could be both. I'd have to say that of all the Asians, they seem the most pissed off. Even their language sounds harsh...or so my wife says.

The fighting was cool. The girls were semi-hot. The scenery was beautiful. Who cares what the story was about??!! The action itself was what made the movie. Again, not bad for a Korean martial arts movie.

If you like Crouching Tiger, and HERO, and HOUSE OF FLYING DAGGERS, this movie is definitely for you. I seriously loved it. I give this movie two Korean hotties from those K-Dramas that everyone and their mother seems to be watching and that girl from LOST who should run around in her bathing suit more 'cause she looked pretty good on the Maxim cover that I saw a while back...

Sidebar: How come Koreans are the Asians who are more likely to get boob jobs, especially when they're in their 30's, 40's, and even 50's?

The Lost Boys: The Tribe

2008-11-17T21:42:00.005-10:00

Yes, this is the sequel to THE LOST BOYS. And yes, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim were in the movie. For some reason, Corey Haim was only in at the very end. Like 30 seconds or something. Probably missed filming smoking crack. And, believe it or not, Kiefer Sutherland's younger half-brother was in this movie. Yeah, I know you care.

The movie SUCKED A$$!! My lovely wife's pick. She had to have her belated dose of the two Coreys.

The only thing good about this movie was the upgraded blood and violence, special effects, and nudity. What's a B movie without gratuitous sex? In the shower, no less. Worth the price of admission. Nah, not really. Okay, maybe. Depends on how many times you rewind it and play it in slow-mo. Not that I would do that or anything.

LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE is about a brother and sister who move to somewhere (California?) to get away from their tragic past only to meet a bunch of surfers who happen to be vampires. What do you know...they should've called this Lost Boys: Point Break. Guess who the sister falls in love with? Watch the first Lost Boys, and then watch POINT BREAK and you've seen this movie.

Corey Feldman plays his same vampire-killer character. He looked and sounded exactly the same as twenty years ago. Pretty impressive, we thought. That was pretty much it though. Did I mention the shower scene?

This movie sucked, but it was pretty funny to watch. Like a bad, 50's horror B-movie. My Baby liked it, so whatever. I live my life for her. This is what I do.

Got an hour and a half to waste? Rent this movie. I give this movie two Coreys and a former Playboy model on their own reality show that can't be watched 'cause my wife surprisingly hates the show...

Smart People

2008-11-17T21:13:00.006-10:00

I think I'm finally sick of dysfunctional Indie movies. It's actually depressing. Plus, I'm mentally exhausted from all the witty sarcasm I have to endure just to keep up with all the characters' dialogue. It's like hanging out with a group of band geeks all day long. Or being on Team Fantastic Four.

SMART PEOPLE stars that JUNO girl Ellen Page, Thomas Haden Church, Sarah Jessica Parker, and John Wilkes Booth...I mean, Dennis Quaid. Quaid is the a$$hole college professor who can't relate to people whose wife died recently, Church is the freeloader slacker brother living it up with no job or aspirations, Parker is the former student/nurse who takes care of Quaid in the hospital, and Page is the GT know-it-all, but naive, perfect daughter. She pretty much plays the same character she did in Juno.

Sidebar: You ever notice that when students have crushes on their teachers, it's ALWAYS an English teacher?

The movie follows Quaid's family as they interact with people and go through their mundane, but somehow interesting lives. Dysfunctional realism is what draws you in. Actually, it's starting to turn me off lately. Time to watch a Disney movie to escape from reality again.

Everyone in the movie seems to be extremely intelligent, but not smart enough to figure out the simple things in life. Socially, they just don't get it. Or maybe they do and the rest of us are idiots for caring about petty, social stuff. Sorry. Had to throw that in.

If you're in the mood for something deep, this may be the movie for you. If not, stay away. The movie's not bad. I probably would've liked it if I saw it a couple of months ago. I give this movie two math teachers who only want to teach GT and Algebra and want to get rid of all their low kids...

Harold and Kumar: Escape From Guantanamo Bay

2008-11-08T19:38:00.002-10:00

Bill and Ted. Jay and Silent Bob. Harold and Kumar...

These guys are a good combination. Like Kama Sutra with a hot Korean girl.

I saw the first movie, and though I thought it was pretty funny, being that I've never touched the Chronic in my life, I had a hard time finding the humor in all of the scenes. I felt like a nun watching porn.

This one, however, is funny as $hit!! It was like JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK without all the witty banter. In other words, they said some crass, f@cked-up $hit and did some crazy, borderline NC-17 sex stuff. Not hot, steamy sex. More like bizarre, I-can't-believe-they're-showing-this hilarious $hit. Nothing clever. Just straight-up vulgar.

It all starts with Harold and Kumar being on a plane to Amsterdam to find Harold's girl when Kumar gets accused of being a terrorist. I was cracking up when it all went down on the plane. I thought that scene in itself was funny. This sets them off on a weird, but hilarious chain of events where they keep getting in and out of trouble. I'm not telling you anymore. Go see it.

The homeland security dude who was trying to catch them was cracking me up. Harold's straight man to Kumar's rebel genius also make an unlikely likable, comedic pair. Never thought that a Korean and an Indian would headline a movie, spawn a sequel, and be highly successful doing it. I can't believe Kumar's a doctor on HOUSE. They should make a reality show based on the lives of Loveboat and Sharma. No one would look away from that train wreck.

This is a guys' movie. I don't know if I was just in the mood to laugh, but I'd put it up there with JAY AND SILENT BOB and TROPIC THUNDER. Not as clever, but I was laughing my a$$ off. Maybe it was just because it followed my viewing of BE KIND REWIND. I wonder if white people thought these two guys were funny.

Need a good laugh? Watch this movie. I give it two Korean import models 69ing each other at 7-11 after drinking some slurpees...

Awake

2008-11-02T09:24:00.003-10:00

This movie is about Jessica Alba, the greatest actress of our generation, c@ck-teasing us once again, but not giving it up. She shows us some left nipple through her wet T-shirt. She shows us some side-boob action from the back. She shows us her naked back and lots of leg, but we never get to see paydirt. Why the f@ck does she continue to waste her talents like that? She even kinda ooofs in this movie...with her clothes on!! WHAT THE F@CK??!!

She needs to follow the examples of Halle Berry, Charlize Theron, and Angelina Jolie. These three women are beautiful and classy AND GOT BUCK-NAKED in their movies AND STILL won academy awards. Julia Roberts on the other hand...successful career and all, but too late to take off her clothes...no academy awards. Seems pretty simple to me. Jessica Alba gotta get down and dirty and pornoish in some MONSTER'S BALL type of movie and she'll gain more respect from her fans and her peers. I should be her agent.

Back to the movie...

AWAKE is about this rich guy (Hayden Christensen) who needs a heart transplant and, for some reason, also is hiding the fact that he's in love with Alba from his mom. Why the hell would you go out with her and NOT show her off to EVERYBODY? This movie's fake.

Anyway, during his surgery, his anesthesia doesn't work, and he's awake for the whole operation. Apparently, this happens at times in real life, too. Scary, huh. His doctor and friend (Terrence Howard) doesn't even know that he's awake 'cause he's paralyzed, but can't say $hit. That's all I can tell you.

Terrence Howard is good in everything he's in. Hayden Christensen Anakin Skywalkered his way through this entire movie. Jessica Alba, despite the slutty, whorish teasing, actually did a great job acting this time. Seriously. You'll see. I notice she always tries to play the sweet girlfriend with the potty-mouth character. She might as well go full-dirty and strip for us. Give us more bang for our buck. Or more buck for our bang. Either way.

In the end, I actually liked the movie. You'll see. I'm not saying it was the greatest movie of all time, but I will say that it's gotta be Jessica Alba's best movie to date. Has she made any good movies? See, gotta get nasty, I'm telling you. She's only getting older. Not like her acting skills is getting her the plum roles anyway. Even her own momma wants to see her get naked.

If you want a light movie with some pretty good suspense, and you wanna torture yourself and give yourself blue balls, watch this movie. If anything, you'll walk away with an idea of the potential of what Jessica Alba could be...if she took off more clothes. I give this movie two balls of blue, and if you're a girl, two fingertips, but not the whole hand...

Be Kind Rewind

2008-10-31T19:48:00.003-10:00

How come there's no comma in the title?

BE KIND REWIND, starring Jack Black, Mos Def, Danny Glover, and Mia Farrow, is a disappointingly lame movie about these two guys (Black and Def) and an unknown actress girl who remake blockbuster movies with their own video camera and acting and rent them out at their locally-owned video store. Funny premise. $hitty movie.

Actually, there's more to the story, but it doesn't really matter. Just know that Black's character takes on a power plant and ends up demagnetizing (erasing) all the VHS movie tapes in Glover and Def's video store. In order to save face and the store from being shut down, they record their own versions of your favorite movies and the customers actually start demanding more "Sweded" tapes from them. The movie also ended sappy, so that added to my disappointment.

I really like Jack Black in a non-homo way. I even like Mos Def. These two guys were hilarious, except when they were actually filming the fake movies. I don't know. I just didn't think it was that funny. Even the ghetto special effects that they used were not really funny to me. Their dialogue throughout the movie made me crack up here and there, but their movies? Who the hell would wanna watch that crap? I think WE could make better versions than them.

Dave and Leish really liked this movie, so I was expecting to be dying laughing, but I was kinda at a loss for laughs. Maybe it got hyped up too much. Maybe I expected way too much. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood. I actually fell asleep at the end.

Sorry to say, this was one of the worst movies that I've seen in awhile. Comparable to STRICTLY BALLROOM. I kept expecting Mel Gibson to pop out from behind one of the video shelves and start kicking a$$. I kept expecting Woody Allen and his Korean daughter-wife to pop out from behind Mia Farrow's behind and start awkwardly having a threesome. I give this movie two Oreo cookies and a White-bre(a)d meat juhn sandwich...

Fargo

2008-10-26T10:55:00.006-10:00

This movie was supposed to be good, yah? Yah. Did you like it? Oh, yah! Yah??!! Yah!!

Okay, I'll admit it. I liked this movie. Weird f@ckin' movie, but it's probably why I liked it. I've been hearing all you guys gush about it, so I had to take advantage of my HBO and watch it. It was pretty good in a funnier NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN kinda way.

At first, I have to say, I thought the movie sucked a$$. I was trying to figure out WHY anyone would want to watch this type of movie. It took me at least 45 minutes to warm up to it. Must've been all the snow in the movie. Hardy har, har, har!!

Then, after all the shocking violence started, I felt more at home. Yeah, violence to calm my nerves.

In case you were the only person to NOT see this move besides me, here's the rundown. Small-town loser hubby comes up with lame-a$$ kidnapping scheme to score some money. Plan gets f@cked-up. Small-town pregnant police chief with big-city homicide skills sorts through the mess to solve the crime at the end of the day. Small-town sensibilities and characters to keep the movie interesting. Big-city violence and crime to keep it exciting. Critically-acclaimed Best Picture-nominated movie is the result.

Again, it took the whole movie to convince me to like it. The oddball characters and dialogue kept me watching to the end though. Yah??!! Oh, yah!! Frances McDormand's police chief was the absolute best. She made the movie. Everytime she came onscreen, I thought I was watching LEAVE IT TO BEAVER meets THE WOMEN'S MURDER CLUB (James Patterson reference 'cause I'm a bibliophile like that).

Steve Buscemi's always good. William H. Macy as the pushover, loser husband was so good that he was irritating. You wanted him to grow a pair onscreen. I think one of the hired killers was that hilarious Russian cosmonaut guy in ARMAGEDDON.

Two scenes stood out for me. One was that awkward scene where Mike Yanagida (obvious token Asian) met up with the police chief in the bar 'cause he was trying to hit on her. And the other scene was that subtle scene where some old man is talking to one of the police officers and shoveling snow and talking about how he noticed some out-of-place character at his motel (or bar?). For some reason, the dialogue between the two was priceless to me. It sounded like when you interview some local guy on the news here in Hawaii, and the bruddah getting interviewed can't help but moke-out on live TV.

Overall, good movie. I don't know if I'd watch the whole thing again. Maybe some parts here and there if I ever catch it flipping channels. Do I like this movie 'cause I like it or do I like it 'cause it makes me feel smarter that I like it? Hopefully, the former. Ah, who gives a $hit, yah??!! OH, YAH!!

I give this movie two kanak boneheads trying to steal the entire ATM machine from the Waianae 7-11 a few years back and coming up empty. Dumb$hits, yah? Oh, yah...

You Don't Mess with the Zohan

2008-10-26T09:55:00.004-10:00

Starring: Henry Winkler (the Fonz), that old hag Mrs. Garrett from the Facts of Life, John McEnroe, Mariah Carey, Michael Buffer ("Let's get ready to rumble..."), that gay Asian dude from Star Trek, anybody else who might've wandered into the studio and just happened to know Adam Sandler...

Yeah, that's the kinda movie this was. Supposedly, it was written by Sandler and Judd Apatow. I don't know what the f@ck they were thinking. Were they high? I've never seen a movie this bad since LITTLE NICKY. Hmmm, who wrote that piece of $hit?

As usual, some funny parts and the usual Sandler charm and raunch, but not enough to hold the movie up for two hours. In fact, the premise was just weird from the start. Original, maybe, but just too weird to be taken seriously as a comedy. How's that for oxyMORON-ish.

ZOHAN is about this hip Israeli assassin stud played by Sandler who wants to leave his violent, glamorous (because believe it or not, he's actually popular) life behind to become a hairdresser. He goes to America for some COMING TO AMERICA scenes, only to be hired by a Palestinian barber shop where he not only cuts old ladies' hair, he gives them some trim, too. Yeah, just came up with that. Pretty witty, huh. Be ready for some disturbing GILF/granny-got-f@cked-over-by-a-stallion scenes.

The only thing good about this movie is that you may find that Palestinian boss of Zohan's pretty hot. I didn't even notice her, but you know, if checking out pretty girls is your cup of tea, you might notice her. I'm married, so I don't even notice that kind of thing anymore.

At the end, Sandler tries to go for some absurd Peace in the Middle East message that was in itself funnier than the entire movie. And I love Adam Sandler's movies. What a letdown. What a waste of two hours. What a piece of $hit.

I give this movie two towers...I mean, two thumbs way down. Not funny at all...

The Strangers

2008-10-23T20:00:00.004-10:00

I think I saw this movie. It was called Blair Witch Project 8.

You know how when you're little and you get scared of the Boogeyman hiding in your closet, but really, there's nothing to be afraid of? That's how I felt watching THE STRANGERS. It's like you start getting creeped out by what could happen as opposed to what's really happening.

Don't get me wrong. There were definitely some sorta scary parts, but all in all, I was kinda disappointed. Let's put it this way. My lovely wife didn't even get that scared, and she's a scaredy cat. She's a pu$$y, and I whip that $hit all the time. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr.

Almost forgot. This movie was about a dis-engaged couple who spend the night at this summer house only to be visited and harassed by these strangers. Guess what happens?

Aside from the Casper masks and the fact that this kinda $hit could happen, it wasn't all that scary. It's like when you watched BLAIR WITCH PROJECT for the first time thinking that it was a true story. Scary as hell, right? Then, you find out that that $hit was bull$hit, and the next time you watched it, it just seemed like someone was stepping on twigs in the dark. What the hell's so scary about that? Go camping at Bellows. Just as scary.

I think I was more afraid of how much weight Liv Tyler has put on. What the hell happened to that girl from the Aerosmith videos? Liv Tyler. Alicia Silverstone. What the f@ck??!!

Probably the most disturbing part of the movie was the end, which I'm not going to talk about. I got blue balls watching this movie. What a tease. I give this movie two chicks...with d!cks. Talk about a letdown...

Atonement

2008-10-18T23:41:00.002-10:00

Ooooh, what a great, fitting title...

This movie (recommended by the Colmenaresessess) definitely lived up to all the hype. I actually think that it was similar to another "nickel and a penny" movie, but I don't wanna ruin it for anybody (although I probably already did).

Basically, this movie is about this security guard who gets wrongly accused of messing with this...

Wait, let me start over again.

ATONEMENT is about how the misintrepretation (purposely or not) of a situation can f@ck up the lives of everyone involved. It's about how perception, while NOT BEING reality, can still BECOME reality if there are enough STUPID-A$$ people around to BELIEVE in this reality. Hmmm...

At first, I thought this movie was slow and a little too Best Picture-ish for me. Plus, for some reason, I always have a hard time understanding English accents. However, it plods along, keeps your interest, and forces you to focus, lest you get lost in all the flashbacks. I don't know if I enjoyed the movie as much when I was watching it than when it was actually done. You'll see what I mean if you watch it. It was one of those movies that you appreciate more when you look back on it as a whole. It's definitely worth seeing though.

I like the message of the movie. Good drama. Can't say much more or I'll ruin it for you. Definitely worth all the accolades.

Oh, wait. Let me share a story.

I remember this one time in Japan as I was spreading the word...We were going around door-to-door trying to find people to teach. Anyway, as we were walking around, trying to figure out which building we would start at, these Japanese schoolgirls walked right by us, so we told them "Hi." Not in a flirty way, but in a cordial way. They always freaked out when that happened because I was usually accompanied by a White guy who could surprisingly speak Japanese. They'd laugh and get all giddy and $hit. You know how Japanese girls are.

Anyway, we decide to start doing our work at the top of this one building. We knock on the door, and this grandpa-looking guy comes out and starts screaming at us. He screams so loud that some of his neighbors come out to check out the action. I look at my partner and we get the hell outta there. He continues to follow us downstairs out onto the street. He's yelling the whole time. I finally figure out what he's saying.

His daughter was part of the pack of girls we said "Hi" to. When we coincidentally went to his house first to knock on the door, he thought we were following his daughter home. We had no idea. He thought we were after his daughter, and started screaming some $hit about foreigners and how we were there for that kind of shady $hit. Basically, by his yelling and misunderstanding of the situation, he was f@cking up our reputation in that area.

In the end, luckily, some other guy who knew us and our church came along and explained how we were the good guys, and eventually calmed this guy down. Whooo!! I remember thinking back then how silly $hit like that can f@ck people up. Made me think about it again as I was watching this movie.

Anyway, excellent movie. I give this movie two people arguing and everyone siding with the more likable guy. When it comes down to it, that's how the world works. People just don't like to admit their shallowness 'cause then that would make THEM wrong...

The Love Guru

2008-10-16T23:40:00.002-10:00

This movie featured some big-time Oscar-nominated actors and actresses. Mike Myers, mini me, Justin Timberlake, and, of course, the Meryl Streep of our generation, Jessica Alba. For some reason though, she didn't get naked AGAIN. What a waste of her talent. What a waste of her goods.

This movie is about this Indian (7-11, not reservation) love guru dude (Mike Myers) who tries to get this Black hockey player back with his hottie (but surprisingly, pregnant-looking Meagan Good) ex-girlfriend, so that he can play better and lead his team to the championship over his big-d!cked goalie nemesis (Timberlake) who's presently banging his girl. Seriously. That's the story.

Think Austin Powers with a slurpee. Seriously. Even the accent went in and out between a 7-11 clerk and Myers' previous Austin Powers character.

At first, the movie was pretty dull and lame, but eventually Alba's hotness and Mike Myers' witty wordplay takes over and you find yourself chuckling at his usual raunchy undertones. I actually think that he may be too clever for his audience at times. He's more clever funny than LOL funny. Alba's not funny at all. Maybe if she showed her left t!t or her a$$, I would've found her jokes funnier.

Timberlake, on the other hand, was hilarious. Yeah, I'm not ashamed to admit it, that guy's the man. Yeah, I said it. Pretty damn talented. He'll follow in the same entertainer/actor Will Smith-the Rock mold. Seriously. I think he's that good.

All in all, the movie's okay. Some quotable lines, but not enough to hold the movie. As far as mindless, light movies go, not bad. Deena was laughing at some parts. I was waiting to see Alba's parts. I think my lovely wife wants to experience Alba's hotness. Okay, maybe that's my fantasy home movie. I give this movie two jumbo slurpees and one mini-Sharma...

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

2008-10-15T23:18:00.002-10:00

I gotta keep these movie reviews short. My eyes are getting sore.

The new Indy Jones flick was just great. I really liked it. Classic Spielberg. The cool thing was that it really seemed like it picked up right where they left off in the last one with Sean Connery.

Indy's a little older, but he's the same Indy. He can fight, but he gets beat up, too. He's funny. He still has those wisea$$ one-liners when he's in trouble. He's resourceful without being too superhero-ish. He's your everyman hero with his archaeologist intellect and a bullwhip.

Shia LaBeoulf was good in it. Something about that guy. He has that X-factor. Cate Blanchett was awesome as the Russian leader lady. Kinda like Natasha from Rocky & Bullwinkle.

I liked that they didn't overdo it with the special effects. I mean, you could tell that they used it, of course, but the stuff that happens in the movie was appropriate with the time period of the movie. Yeah, whatever. Go see it. Lucky thing they didn't overdo it all these years later or we would have had another Star Wars I through III.

I liked it so much that I seriously wouldn't mind seeing another one. The critics didn't like it 'cause I guess when your expectations are so high, anything's gonna automatically be seen as a disappointment. I think they thought it was much of the same, but if you watch the extras, you'll see Spielberg wanted it that way. I mean, the guy's only like the best director ever in the history of movies. They didn't know that he did that $hit on purpose? Retards!

Again, great movie, especially if you're an Indy fan. I definitely liked it more than the third one. Why do they call him Indiana anyway?

Oh yeah, almost forgot. I think some people will have trouble with the story, but I thought it was pretty creative given the circumstances and expectations. You'll see. I'll give this movie two NATIONAL TREASURE copycat movies. Nothing beats the originality of the Indiana Jones character...

Speed Racer

2008-10-12T20:35:00.007-10:00

Had to rent SPEED RACER for the kids and ended up watching it myself. That's my excuse.

Actually, it wasn't that bad. Real colorful and futuristic looking. Looked like a colorblind Filipino painter dropped all his bright colors on screen. It looked pretty cool to me, although I am handicapped in that area.

SPEED RACER is the Americanized version of the popular Japanese cartoon series. I remember hating when that show came on, but I guess it was pretty popular back in the day.

Basically, this kid prodigy racer races to fight against the evil, corrupt corporate giants. How and why, you may ask? Go watch the movie. He comes from an average Leave-it-to-Beaver family that came from nothing and races independent of the major corporations. He has skills, however, so like real-life athletes, he is sought out by everyone looking to make a quick buck off of him. Think Jeff Gordon before he became famous.

Anyway, that's the boring stuff. The exciting stuff is the visual effects created by the MATRIX guys. Don't expect that awesome, crazy fighting stuff. It is a cartoon, after all. Well, a mixed cartoon. To me, it looked like 300 or SIN CITY, but in HD super-color. Like a Skittles commercial on steroids.

The racing scenes were cool. A little fake (it's a cartoon, after all), but thrilling nonetheless. The race tracks looked like the tracks from Playstation's Crash Team Racing. I felt like I was watching the animated fantasy version of FAST AND THE FURIOUS. I don't think the movie caught on at the theaters. I can see why. Sensory overload.

Your kids might like the movie. Adults will think that it's Disneyish. I personally thought that it was okay. Susan Sarandon was in it. John Goodman, Matthew Fox (Jack from LOST), and Christina Ricci were in it, too. She's come a long way since her days on the ADDAMS FAMILY. Need even more evidence? Watch BLACK SNAKE MOAN.

"You don't climb into a T-180 to be a driver. You do it because you're driven." Yeah, that was the cheesy quote of the movie. I give this movie two Kikaidas and a Kamen Rider V3...

Iron Man

2008-10-11T12:35:00.002-10:00

Whoa, movie overload!! Blame Netflix.

IRON MAN starring Robert Downey, Jr., Terrence Howard, and Gwyneth Paltrow.

Pretty good movie. Definitely not BATMAN good, but better than any SUPERMAN movie I've ever seen. It was probably up there with the X-MEN movies, but not as much cheese.

Again, like BATMAN, it felt like a good movie, as opposed to being just a good superhero movie. That's probably why I'd rank it a little ahead of X-MEN. Plus, it's just one guy instead of an ensemble cast of Halle Berry not showing us her t!tt!es. If she would just MONSTER'S BALL it a little more often, I'd put the X-MEN series above THE DARK KNIGHT. Nah, just kidding. I think. She should just go into porn already. LICKING MONSTER BALLS or something like that. Little off-track there...

IRON MAN succeeds because of Robert Downey, Jr. I guess there was a reason why everyone hung on to him even when he was druggin' out and f@ckin' up. Funny how that works. Would anyone have cared if he was the crackhead version of Jason Scott Lee? $hit, I saw RAPA NUI. They should.

Hands down, Downey can act. I'm beginning to recognize the skills. TROPIC THUNDER, IRON MAN. The guy's on a roll. He made Tony Stark likeable as the maverick/playboy billionaire genius.

What I like about superhero movies is that you get to find out the background of how they became the superhero. I don't know. I just find it interesting. Do I care about my students' backgrounds? HELL, NO!! But I find these fictional characters a wee bit interesting. Probably BECAUSE they're not real.

Brief rundown. Stark's company makes weapons of destruction. He gets caught by the bad guys who want him to make more weapons for them. He narrowly escapes by creating an Iron Man prototype instead. Then, he realizes that he shouldn't be making weapons anymore, but decides to use Iron Man to fight crime or, at least in this particular movie, his Iron Man wannabe company partner.

The usual war/superhero action ensues. Lots of things blowing up. Lots of high tech stuff. Lots of metal. Not really iron though.

Terrence Howard was believable. Gwyneth was, too, until she pulled a Brad Pitt in SEVEN "What's in the box??!!" scene towards the end. Other than that, Downey stole the show and the movie was pretty entertaining. Not bad at all. No DARK KNIGHT though.

Basically, a guy movie. At one point, I thought I was watching WALL*E: FIRST BLOOD. AVENGERS is the next movie 'cause if you watch past the credits, they give you a quickie preview. I give this movie two pieces of metal shaped like mini-Cadbury eggs connected by a cord that also connects to a little power pack that can be operated by double A batteries which enables these bullet-shaped eggs to vibrate at different speeds. Ideally, these eggs should be waterproof, too. For what, I have no idea...

Forgetting Sarah Marshall

2008-10-10T16:56:00.008-10:00

Netflix is back!! Yeah, boooeeeeyyy!! Bigger and deffer (LL Cool J)...

This movie was pretty damn funny. Not like TROPIC THUNDER funny, but like the other Judd Apatow-produced movies. SUPERBAD, 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN, KNOCKED UP, etc.

I do have one complaint though. If you combine Adam Sandler's down-to-earth, every-man silliness with Kevin Smith's profound, witty vulgarity, don't you get Judd Apatow? That guy's leeching off their style. He's not original. He's a straight-up copycat. The only thing I'll give him credit for is somehow showing that pu$$y-birth (where else do babies come from?) scene in KNOCKED UP and that male frontal nudity scene all over FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. That $hit was hilarious. That being said, I do like this guy's movies. Oh, yeah, he also copies their crass humor-with-heart storylines.

Anyway, FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL is about this soundtrack-musician dweeb who gets dumped by this famous hottie actress (Kristen Bell). He takes it hard and cries throughout the movie. I, personally, prefer it the other way around (hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr!) He goes to Hawaii to get his mind off his ex-girlfriend only to find that she's staying at the same hotel with her new boyfriend. Funny, not unusual premise.

The ensuing awkwardness is what makes the movie funny, but the usual offbeat Apatow cast of characters is what sustains it. Mila Kunis was in it, and she was cracking me up. Probably 'cause I thought she was actually hotter than usual. Hottness definitely contributes a little more to any girl's humor. Or perceived intelligence for that matter. $hit, hotness makes you a little more of everything.

This movie had the usual raunchy humor. The usual boundary-pushing sex acts. The usual loveable geeky character(s). That's his bread and butter. Make the geek the leading man. Make him go through common, everyday, awkward situations. Make the audience laugh. Stroke everyone's inner geek. Check the other movies.

I won't spoil the movie. Go and rent it. Entertaining and light. My favorite part was when the main character first busted out his original song. You'll see. Beautiful's favorite part was seeing the main character's PART. You'll see plenty of that, too. The "swingin' past ya knees" guy from TROPIC THUNDER was in this movie, too. Some local guys were also in it for some NORTH SHORE comic relief.

I give this movie two Makaha Sons of Ni'ihau and the Mormons' "Lovers Lane," otherwise known as Laie Point. Rent the movie. You owe it to yourself. Thoughtless, fun entertainment that I'm pretty sure your girl will like, too...

Cape Fear

2008-10-07T22:29:00.002-10:00

Taking it back to the old school...way back...well, not that way back...I heard that this was actually a remake...

Cape Fear. That movie with young Bobby De Niro in it. Jessica Lange, Juliette Lewis, and Nick Nolte were in it, too. I kept expecting Eddie Murphy to come out and punch Nick Nolte in the face.

I remember a few years ago when the fellas told me to go and watch GLORY in all its glory. Problem is, by the time I saw that movie, I had already seen BRAVEHEART and GLADIATOR. Hard to watch an older war movie now when today's war movies have the benefit of all them special effects and CGI and $hit.

Then, the guys recommended THREE AMIGOS for a plethora of reasons. Again, humor changes through time, so by the time I saw this movie, I didn't think it was that funny. Maybe it was funny back then, but it was definitely not timeless like Eddie Murphy's DELIRIOUS.

In CAPE FEAR, I was expecting much of the same time lag deficiencies. However, to my surprise, this movie was, and still is, the bomb diggy, yo!!

Basically, De Niro plays this ex-con psycho with a f@cked-up accent who finally gets out of prison only to exact revenge on his defense lawyer for "burying" some evidence that could've been used at the time to keep him out of jail. Nolte's the lawyer/father, Lange is the wife/mother, and Lewis is somehow their teenage daughter.

The movie works 'cause De Niro is psycho, clever, smooth, and overly violent. He harasses them throughout the movie and it's disturbingly AWESOME!! You get to watch De Niro in his element. It's similar to Jack Nicholson playing crazy where you start thinking, "Is he really acting or just being himself?"

The only thing that bothered me was the cheesy, spooky soundtrack. You know, those incessant, irritating horns and violins where they keep playing the same thing over and over and over. Sounded like the same musician from THE SHINING.

This movie was made in '91 (I think). Some of the violence and profane dialogue would still be disturbing today. These types of movies are more suspenseful to me because it could really happen. It's the realness factor that brings me to the edge of my seat and nearly causes me to squid luau my shorts.

De Niro was chillingly awesome. Nolte's good at playing mad like in 48 HOURS. Jessica Lange always tries to play creepy sexy. Juliette Lewis, in that sense, succeeds in one-upping her. I swear that girl is the most successful SPED actress in the world. And she went out with Brad Pitt. Juliette Lewis...Angelina Jolie...That doesn't even compute. Maybe she's the top SPED BJer in the world, too.

Seriously, great movie. Classic suspense flick. Older horror movies are usually better than the SAW crap they've been putting out lately. I give this movie two WHITE CHICKS trying to be sexy when they're too old and too young to be doing so even though Robert De Niro is trying to shank-ooof them both...

Igor

2008-10-04T19:10:00.008-10:00

Okay, so if you took the disturbing factor of BULLY, and combined it with the pointlessness of STRICTLY BALLROOM, and then made it into a cartoon, you'd have IGOR, the most f@cked-up movie, animated or not, that I've seen in a long time. And that's taking into consideration that I watch a lot of $hitty-a$$ movies.

I've really never seen an animated movie this bad. Pixar and Shrek have raised the bar so high, that it's kinda hard to compete in that genre, but let me tell you, I think we all could've YouTubed a better movie.

Let me give you the rundown. The land of Malaria is a dark and gloomy place, and so everyone has resorted to trying to create evil inventions. Why? I don't know. I have no clue. It was that kinda movie.

So, the evil scientists are kinda like the cool guys and their assistants, Igor and all the other humpback/hunchback Quasimodo rejects, are the hapless grunts, miserably doing the $hit-jobs while their bosses get all the glory.

Igor, our main character, has visions of being an evil scientist himself, even though this is unprecedented and blasphemous. He aspires and works his a$$ off behind the scenes, and even has two sidekicks that he created himself. One is an immortal rat looking creature played by Steve Buscemi and the other is this brain-in-the-jar character who's actually an idiot who can't even spell his name right, hence the name "Brian" instead of Brain. Okay, so maybe that was a little funny.

Anyway, every year in Malaria, there's this Evil Science Fair, so all the evil geniuses compete to outdo each other. The lame flaming gay-a$$ character who always wins, does so by cheating and stealing inventions from other competing scientists.

Igor's boss dies, so he creates this female Frankenstein fugly bitch that doesn't want to do any evil. In fact, this deformed beeyotch only wants to act. Yeah, I guess someone in charge of this terrible movie thought that this premise would be funny. It wasn't.

Igor continually tries to make Eva (from mispronouncing "Evil") do ghastly evil things, but Eva just wants to be in the musical, ANNIE. Yup, not making it up.

Okay, I'll stop. I wish I was making this $hit up. The movie wasn't just bad 'cause it sucked a$$. It was also bad because of the kid-UNfriendly content. For example:

1) They must've said the word "KILL" at least 10-15 times during the first half hour of the movie, sometimes back-to-back-to-back.

2) They introduced the word "murder" to your kids' vocabulary and actually had an "Axe Murderer" reference and a scene where Igor was wielding an axe.

3) They had some over-the-top adult humor and sexual innuendos. Couple of make-out semi-Japanese Anime scenes and a big-breasted woman character.

4) The moral of the story was actually, "Everyone has an evil bone in their body, but it's how we choose to live our life..." or some bull$hit like that. Another line was "I'd rather be a good nobody, then an evil somebody..." For real. That's as clever as it got.

To be fair, there were some redeeming moments, but for the most part, I found myself squirming uncomfortably in my seat. And this movie didn't even have any candle wax-pouring rape scenes in it. Might as well have.

Steve Buscemi was funny. The ending had its moments. John Cusack was Igor, so it was pretty boring. It was like they were trying to do the whole "Choose the Right" thing by showing your kids all the wrong $hit that you're NOT supposed to do. Well, you know how that works. Hmmm...I wonder what they're going to focus on?

Lucky for us, the movie went way over Kahia and Kawai's heads, so they somehow enjoyed the movie. I didn't, but they did, so lose-win, I guess. I give this movie two hours of Japanese Manga goat-bleating candle-wax hairy-pu$$y-censoring porn, which is about how disturbing I found this movie to actually be...

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNTIL YOUR KIDS ARE 69 YEARS OLD!!!

Tropic Thunder

2008-09-20T21:14:00.006-10:00

Tropic Thunder is about five homophobic guys who went to a theater to bond only to leave a one-seat minimum space between each other.

Oh, wait. Sorry. Wrong movie. That was HIGHLANDS TROJAN MEN coming this summer.

And now for our feature presentation...

"I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipes, and swallow the gravy..."

"You paying attention? I'm talking.....G5, Pecker! That's how you can roll. No more frequent flyer bitch miles for my boy! Oh yeah! Playa....playa! Big dick playa!"
"Swinging past ya knees!"

"When you wrote 'I Love Tha Pussy', was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance's forehead?"

"It's 'viet cong.' There's no 's,' it's already plural. You wouldn't say 'Chineses...'"

Okay, so you had to be there. And maybe you have to be male, but this movie was F@CKIN' HILARIOUS!! I'm talking laughing-so-hard-you're-crying hilarious. This movie is the most quotable movie since, dare I say, PREDATOR?

And everyone had their share of lines, too. In fact, there were so many clever lines, you gotta go and probably buy the DVD to hear 'em all. It was so funny, that if you laugh, you probably miss about a couple more jokes in the process. It was that kinda movie.

Basically, this movie is about five actors and how they end up being in a real war zone when they were just supposed to be "filming" a war movie. It's a movie that mocks Hollywood and its stereotypical actors. It just so happens that this movie IS actually packed with star power. Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Tom Cruise, Nick Nolte, and the guy who pretty much stole the movie, Robert Downey, Jr.

Having that many quality actors instead of Leslie Nielsen is probably why this movie was "witty" funny as opposed to just being a lame-a$$ comedy spoof. They must've had fun trying to outdo each other on every take. Imagine having to act serious at being funny. That's no easy task, my friends. I do it every day.

You had the Academy Award-winning actor. You had the blockbuster action star. You had the goofball comedy actor. You had the stereotypical Black hip-hop rapper/actor. You had some teenage nerdy guy who-we-all-knew-but-couldn't-figure-out-who-he-was actor. I'm not telling who played who. Gotta go see it.

This movie had too many funny parts to choose from, so I'll just give my guarantee to go and watch and enjoy it. DARK KNIGHT? Can't miss! TROPIC THUNDER? Guaranteed to please!! Like a Vietnamese buy-me-drinkie hooker!!

Seeing Robert Downey, Jr play a Black guy and hearing Tom Cruise say "F@CK!!" every other word was worth the ridiculous price of admission. Seriously, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS MOVIE!!

I give this movie two full retards swallowing each others' gravy. And I somehow mean that in a good way. Looking for pure, lighthearted entertainment and a great laugh? WATCH THIS MOVIE, YOU FULL VIET CONG RETARD!!

Step Up 2: The Streets

2008-09-04T22:46:00.006-10:00

Guess what we watched today after our Ice Palace field trip? You think I would waste my time watching this crap? I do it all for the kids. Anything for them.

Ebony: "Yo, man!! Don't be disrespectin' me and my crew like dat ever again, punk!!"

Ivory: "What's with all the hostility? Stop the violence! Let's take it around the corner, merge onto the Pacific Coast Highway, take the next cutoff heading in a southeasterly direction, and after approximately 2.4 miles, LET'S TAKE IT TO THE STREETS!!"

Man, I think I've seen this movie before. It was called STOMP THE YARD.

Wait, my bad. It was actually YOU'VE GOT SERVED.

No, no. What was I thinking? The movie was BREAKIN' 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

Sorry. I was just joking. It was the movie FAME.

Damn it!! I think the movie was for real called SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER.

No. Wait a minute. It was actually on TV. The show was called SOLID GOLD.

Come again? I'm going mento. The show was SOUL TRAIN.

Okay, stop playing already. I've got it for real. Seriously, the movie was called MERRIE MONARCH.

Take the cast from REVENGE OF THE NERDS. Make sure they're attending the gifted school at FAME. They gotta be able to dance like AMERICA'S BEST DANCE CREW. Apply the theme from SAVE THE LAST DANCE. Find an empty warehouse like in every Black dance movie so they can battle. And there you have it. STEP UP 2: THE STREETS!! Yeah, booooeeeeeyyyy!!!!

Nah, seriously though, the dancing was off the hizzle fo' shizzle my nizzle!! Can't believe I'm saying this, but this dance movie was the best dance movie I've ever seen. Seriously. Even better than STRICTLY BALLROOM. A million times better!

If dancing is your thing, this definitely is the movie for you. If cheesy plot lines tickle your fancy, buy this DVD now.

Watching all these misfit dancers was like watching Duke Aiona at McCain's campaign rally. It was like watching a Black guy ice skate. (Actually, I kinda witnessed that today for the first time ever on our Hui Popolo bonding field trip.) It was like watching a Hawaiian work. It was like watching an Asian guy in porn.

Nah, these guys could really dance. They just looked like they wouldn't be able to. Remember Kevin Bacon in THE AIR UP THERE? Yup, those days are over. Now, they got actors who can act AND physically perform their moves. I was pretty impressed. Like I'm f@ckin' MC Hammer. What the hell do I know?

Awesome dance movie. Pretty good movie overall. I give this movie two lapdances from the Pussycat Dolls...

The Hitcher

2008-08-31T08:21:00.005-10:00

This horror/suspense/slasher flick stars Sophia "We've Got" Bush and some other no-name actors. Well, actually there's this one guy I recognize from The Rock movie where he was wielding a big stick. I know you ladies wouldn't mind seeing that. The Rock's nemesis in that movie, whoever he is, was in this movie. Beautiful thought he was hot.

Anyway, this movie, considering the genre, was pretty entertaining. There's nothing better than an hour and a half, light movie that lets you escape from reality for a while and doesn't make you think. It was pretty riveting. It had enough action and blood to keep my attention. Not like Saw blood, but enough that made me say, "Damn!!" Sometimes, I think I'm Black. Or colored. Depends if you're racist or not. Which I'm not. I love the Black man. Not in a gay way. Show me the money!!

Okay, got a little off track there...

So, this movie was about the typical college-aged couple going on a road trip to meet the girl's friends so they can talk about how he is in bed and typical girly $hit like that. That is what you girls talk about, right?

They end up giving this sketchy guy a ride and I'm pretty sure you can figure out what's going to go down for the rest of the movie. I won't ruin it for you. Let's just say that it was kinda fun watching even though it was kinda predictable. Well, you might know WHAT'S coming next, but you probably won't know HOW. Actually, with all the mistakes the couple made, I'm surprised the movie didn't last only 10 minutes.

Whenever I watch these types of movies, a few questions always pop into my head:

1) Why would you give a total stranger a ride? Are you not feeling the creepy vibe?

2) If you're trying to get the attention of another driver while you're driving, wouldn't you concentrate on the road and make your passenger flag down the other driver? Probably save you from getting into an accident or two.

3) If someone is clearly trying to kill you, but you somehow injured them, wouldn't you check to see if the person was really dead? Wouldn't you at least keep running him over with the car? Maybe that's just me.

4) If the cops were after you and you know you didn't do a damn thing, wouldn't you just turn yourself in and explain? Beats having even MORE cops chase you.

5) I know I'm always in the mood, but do you really have time to ooof in the shower when a killer's after you? Or does it somehow heighten the pleasure? I knew rape was a good thing.

Pretty good movie if you're into scary movies. Deena liked it. I liked that she liked it. I personally find horror/suspense movies to be quite funny. I like to guess when someone's going to die or just appear out of nowhere. Or maybe laughter is my defense mechanism for dealing with fear. Either way, I'm usually entertained. I think the last time I was truly scared while watching a movie was "Sixth Sense". Other than that, not really. Actually, "Strictly Ballroom" scared the bejesus out of me 'cause I was so horrified that someone would have the nerve to make such a piece of $hit.

I give this movie two funbags to grab onto while having two minutes of hot shower sex as you get poked two times, once by a blunt Johnson and on the second time around, a long, thick, sharp knife...

The Constant Gardener

2008-08-16T23:18:00.003-10:00

Starring: Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz

I think I'm officially old. I was trying to watch "Epic Movie" the other day and I shut it off halfway. "The Constant Gardener," on the other hand, kept my interest throughout. How very adult of me.

This movie was pretty damn good in a Academy Awards kinda way. I mean, it can't hold a candle to "The Dark Knight" or anything like that, but it had some drama for you and your mama.

The movie takes place in Africa, so let's just say that it was "Blood Diamond" with pharmaceutical drugs. Seriously, it really was. It was also a combination of Karate Kid 2, Cool Runnings, and Lake Placid. Nah, just kidding. That sounded like some kinda deep, mismatched comparison Blakedy-Blake would make...while he shakes and bakes...and eats steak...with a piece of red velvet cake...what a mistake...there's more money at stake...don't fake...The Constant Gardener surely must own a rake...for heaven's sake...my lyrics are opaque...yeah, he does look exactly like Jake...

Sorry about that. Can't help it once my flow gets started, yo. It just be like diarrhea flowing right out my a$$!!

Anyway, the movie is about British diplomat Ralph not ralphing when he learns that his outspoken, we-are-the-world wife (Weisz) has just been killed while traveling somewhere in Africa. She was onto something, and gardener-hobbying Ralph spends the entire movie "pulling weeds" until he can get to the bottom of this f@cked-up mystery.

SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT!! (Well, if you're actually going to watch it...)

Basically, these pharmaceutical companies were experimenting their TB-curing drugs on Africans before making it available to the public. These trials were not getting the desired results, so people started getting all crazy just to turn a profit. Everyone's corrupt and greedy and Ralph is trying to figure out who's responsible for his wife's death. At first, he doesn't even know what his wife was trying to expose and throughout the movie, to make matters worse, there were implications that she was cheating on him, which added to the intrigue and deception. You basically go along for the ride with Ralphy boy and try to figure out who's doing what. Your basic thriller. I wasn't joking about the Blood Diamond similarities. Not as good though.

OKAY, SPOILING DONE...

This type of movie, again, makes you think of the possibility of this kind of corruption going on in the world today. Could it be happening every day in faraway places like Iraq even? What's up with our gas prices? Hmmm...

I enjoyed the movie. So did my Baby. She only prefers watching dramas and chick flicks. Well, chick flicks are all about the drama. Really, though, good movie. You have to be in the mood though. You have to have two hours to spare. You have to be prepared to take it all in. Hrrr, hrrr, hrrr, hrrr. Nah, you'll be entertained in a cerebral way. That's a pretty fair warning. I give this movie two Viagras and a hard, stiff, sleepless night...

Fist of the White Lotus

2008-08-16T09:09:00.002-10:00

Soooooo, you think your kung fu is better than mine? I'll show you...BASTARD!!

That's right. Shaw Brothers Black Belt Theater. Bringing it back to the old school. Way back.

Crouching Tiger and all them other flying-around kung fu movies owe the Shaw Brothers. They made the classics. Master Killer, Five Deadly Venoms. Remember those? Oh, you don't care, huh. Well, if you did, you would know.

Anyway, Fist of the White Lotus features that Gordon Liu guy from Master Killer. They also have the stereotypical white bearded, white eye-browed, white haired, old master who's whipping everyone's a$$ without expending much energy.

The movie is about the White Lotus clan versus the Shaolin clan (I think?). After I got caught up in all the fighting, I kinda lost track of the story. Go figure. All I know is that Gordon Liu's best friend and his girlfriend get killed by that old man master, White Lotus. This was, of course, a little payback for Liu and his boy killing one of their previous masters. Revenge seems to be a recurring theme in Chinese Kung Fu cinema. Why is that? I don't see Yao Ming throwing elbows in the NBA. Maybe the Rockets' coaches should send someone to hurt his brother. Then, he'd play angry and play better. Maybe even Wu Tang Shaq's a$$.

Liu practices and practices AND PRACTICES until he can get HIS revenge. He actually gets beat down a few times. Don't you just love training sequences in kung fu movies? He finally figures out which style to use, and guess what? He actually beats the master. Go figure.

I won't ruin the ending, but let's just say that his style involves paper dummies, acupuncture, and a more effeminate touch. Yup, I know you're just heading down to Chinatown right now asking Won Hung Lo for some manapua and this flick! Yeah, just let me know. I'll let you guys borrow.

The staccato fighting is still fun to watch. The terrible English dubbing is still hilarious. The plot is porous as ever. BUT, you still gotta love those kung fu classics!! Don't lie!! I know you used to watch with your parents when you were younger!

I actually posted the preview about a couple of posts back. You can check it out if you didn't already. I give this movie two rice cakes and some greasy roast pork. I'm getting hungry now...

I Think I Love My Wife

2008-08-15T16:57:00.008-10:00

No, that's not a statement. That's a movie title. Besides, I KNOW I love my wife.

I also have HBO. That's why I end up reviewing old movies. Just thought I'd tell you guys in case you were wondering.

This movie featured Chris Rock acting, as well as directing. I thought it was gonna suck bad like his other movies, but it was actually not bad. Probably 'cause my expectations were low, I was pleasantly surprised.

Steve Buscemi was in the movie. And so was Stephen A. Smith. Yeah, that guy. The irritating ESPN sports guy. Kerry Washington played the hottie. She didn't look it, but judging by her voice, I think she was the sister of the main black guy in that Julia Stiles Jungle Fever dance movie, Save the Last Dance.

So, the movie was about two of my favorite things, marriage and sex. Now, if I could just figure out how to put the two together. Just kidding.

Really, though. Chris Rock plays a banker/father/husband guy who's "trapped" in his boring married life. His old friend's girl visits him at work one day and a fling slowly develops without him even knowing it. She knows exactly what she's doing though. Girls like straddling that friend/girlfriend line and playing innocent. Jezebels, I tell you.

Anyway, the movie does the usual comparing of married vs single life and having fun with it. Chris Rock pretty much acts out his stand-up routine throughout the movie. His acting has gotten better.

When he "acts," the movie is just okay, but when he's "Chris Rock," he's hilarious, he's swearing and being all raunchy, and the movie is a bit more entertaining.

For a light comedy, it has its moments. Or it could be that I'm a newlywed, so I can finally relate. That "not having sex once you get married" thing is not so funny though. I really feel that a healthy sex life is an important part of a happy, successful marriage. HINT, HINT! Gotta have the passion, right? I bet you there's a direct correlation between crazy oofing and marital fidelity. What do you guys think?

The ending was straight cheesy, but the movie was alright. Not bad. Not great. I wasn't dying laughing or anything like that, but it entertained me enough. Chris Rock always makes me appreciate Eddie Murphy more. I give this movie two days of sex per weekend...

The Dark Knight REMIX

2008-08-05T21:53:00.002-10:00

On the second go-around, I found some things to be interesting:

Batman's raspy voice started to irritate me, but then I found it to be endearing like how Edward James Olmos's voice used to be when he was Police Chief on Miami Vice.

Maggie Gyllenhaal kinda looks like one of those creepy, cartoony characters in Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas.

She's not hot or anything, but surprisingly I couldn't look away.

I couldn't stop laughing when I saw the Joker wearing Harvey Dent's campaign sticker on his nurse's uniform.

Aaron Eckhart gets to a point in the movie where every line he's screaming out something at the top of his lungs.

Did you recognize Anthony Michael Hall in the movie?

Harvey Dent has a huge-a$$ dimple on his chin which pretty much eliminated him from realistically being Batman.

That Batcycle was the $hit!!

The Joker's f@ckin' even more hilarious the second time around.

Newman from Seinfeld should play the Penguin in the next movie.

How can they top this?

You Killed My Teacher

2008-08-02T07:55:00.002-10:00

That's right. You know I'm gonna have to review some Shaw Brothers Black Belt Theater old school kung fu flicks. And it's only a matter of time 'till we get to the more "adult" stuff. Stay tuned...

The Dark Knight

2008-07-27T14:13:00.004-10:00

Holy f@ck, Batman!!

Before I give you my rave review, let's hear what others had to say about this movie:

"This movie was, like, the BEST movie, like, EVER! I wouldn't consider this movie a superhero movie. I wouldn't even consider it an action movie. It was just an overall, excellent, well-made crime caper. When you see a work of art, you just wanna watch it over and over and over...kinda like watching my well-toned a$$..." - THomas "Buns of Steel" K.

"I be like a true Batman fan, you know. I be watchin' dat $hit back in the day when dey had all dem cheesy sound effex. Bam! Ka-pow!! You know dat $hit, right? So I wuz lovin' dat movie, boy! Let me tell ya...and dat Joker??!! Whoooooooeeeeeeyyyy!! Dat boooey deserve an Oscar or 40 oz or sum'n sum'n!!" - LWeb, co-teacher

"A true dick flick. Action-packed and entertaining, but not moving. I'd rather watch P.S. I Love You..." - D Teezee, dick flicker

"Thith movie wath, perhapth, the greateth thingle thing ever made thinth thlithed bread. The Joker's voith and mannerithimths reminded me of my huthband. My huthbandth's bringing thexy back! And tho ith thith new Batman movie. Outthanding!! Thintilating!! Batman can thurely kick Thupermanth's ath!!" - ??????

And there you have it, folks. Everyone's agreed. Batman is the movie pick of the summer.

Here's what I think:

Great acting (Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Heath Ledger, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Michael Caine, Aaron Eckhart, Gary Oldman...) Tons of kick-ass action and cool Batman gadgets for the guys. Heath Ledger for the girls. (Ooooh, I can imagine the latest, creepy role-playing going on in bedrooms everywhere...) Great, dark setting. The Batcycle. Christopher Nolan should get more credit for making Memento and reviving the Batman movies. The Joker was (if you haven't, for some reason, heard the hype yet) truly AWESOME.

I heard some people say that the movie might be a little long, but I was engaged the entire way. I had to really take a piss afterwards, but I was thoroughly entertained. Maybe you can bring a bottle or just piss in your popcorn bucket after you've eaten it all. Then, just leave it in the theaters. Don't feel guilty. That's what they get for robbing us every time we buy a movie ticket and their overpriced snacks.

I'm not going to reveal any of the plot because this post is becoming too long, and it's better if you just go and see it. This movie was definitely the best movie I've seen this summer. Near-perfect. A tiny smidge above Wall*E. I give this movie BAM! two more sequels KA-POW!! and no mention of Alicia Silverstone playing Fatgirl...