You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Starring: Henry Winkler (the Fonz), that old hag Mrs. Garrett from the Facts of Life, John McEnroe, Mariah Carey, Michael Buffer ("Let's get ready to rumble..."), that gay Asian dude from Star Trek, anybody else who might've wandered into the studio and just happened to know Adam Sandler...

Yeah, that's the kinda movie this was. Supposedly, it was written by Sandler and Judd Apatow. I don't know what the f@ck they were thinking. Were they high? I've never seen a movie this bad since LITTLE NICKY. Hmmm, who wrote that piece of $hit?

As usual, some funny parts and the usual Sandler charm and raunch, but not enough to hold the movie up for two hours. In fact, the premise was just weird from the start. Original, maybe, but just too weird to be taken seriously as a comedy. How's that for oxyMORON-ish.

ZOHAN is about this hip Israeli assassin stud played by Sandler who wants to leave his violent, glamorous (because believe it or not, he's actually popular) life behind to become a hairdresser. He goes to America for some COMING TO AMERICA scenes, only to be hired by a Palestinian barber shop where he not only cuts old ladies' hair, he gives them some trim, too. Yeah, just came up with that. Pretty witty, huh. Be ready for some disturbing GILF/granny-got-f@cked-over-by-a-stallion scenes.

The only thing good about this movie is that you may find that Palestinian boss of Zohan's pretty hot. I didn't even notice her, but you know, if checking out pretty girls is your cup of tea, you might notice her. I'm married, so I don't even notice that kind of thing anymore.

At the end, Sandler tries to go for some absurd Peace in the Middle East message that was in itself funnier than the entire movie. And I love Adam Sandler's movies. What a letdown. What a waste of two hours. What a piece of $hit.

I give this movie two towers...I mean, two thumbs way down. Not funny at all...