Igor

Okay, so if you took the disturbing factor of BULLY, and combined it with the pointlessness of STRICTLY BALLROOM, and then made it into a cartoon, you'd have IGOR, the most f@cked-up movie, animated or not, that I've seen in a long time. And that's taking into consideration that I watch a lot of $hitty-a$$ movies.

I've really never seen an animated movie this bad. Pixar and Shrek have raised the bar so high, that it's kinda hard to compete in that genre, but let me tell you, I think we all could've YouTubed a better movie.

Let me give you the rundown. The land of Malaria is a dark and gloomy place, and so everyone has resorted to trying to create evil inventions. Why? I don't know. I have no clue. It was that kinda movie.

So, the evil scientists are kinda like the cool guys and their assistants, Igor and all the other humpback/hunchback Quasimodo rejects, are the hapless grunts, miserably doing the $hit-jobs while their bosses get all the glory.

Igor, our main character, has visions of being an evil scientist himself, even though this is unprecedented and blasphemous. He aspires and works his a$$ off behind the scenes, and even has two sidekicks that he created himself. One is an immortal rat looking creature played by Steve Buscemi and the other is this brain-in-the-jar character who's actually an idiot who can't even spell his name right, hence the name "Brian" instead of Brain. Okay, so maybe that was a little funny.

Anyway, every year in Malaria, there's this Evil Science Fair, so all the evil geniuses compete to outdo each other. The lame flaming gay-a$$ character who always wins, does so by cheating and stealing inventions from other competing scientists.

Igor's boss dies, so he creates this female Frankenstein fugly bitch that doesn't want to do any evil. In fact, this deformed beeyotch only wants to act. Yeah, I guess someone in charge of this terrible movie thought that this premise would be funny. It wasn't.

Igor continually tries to make Eva (from mispronouncing "Evil") do ghastly evil things, but Eva just wants to be in the musical, ANNIE. Yup, not making it up.

Okay, I'll stop. I wish I was making this $hit up. The movie wasn't just bad 'cause it sucked a$$. It was also bad because of the kid-UNfriendly content. For example:


1) They must've said the word "KILL" at least 10-15 times during the first half hour of the movie, sometimes back-to-back-to-back.

2) They introduced the word "murder" to your kids' vocabulary and actually had an "Axe Murderer" reference and a scene where Igor was wielding an axe.

3) They had some over-the-top adult humor and sexual innuendos. Couple of make-out semi-Japanese Anime scenes and a big-breasted woman character.

4) The moral of the story was actually, "Everyone has an evil bone in their body, but it's how we choose to live our life..." or some bull$hit like that. Another line was "I'd rather be a good nobody, then an evil somebody..." For real. That's as clever as it got.


To be fair, there were some redeeming moments, but for the most part, I found myself squirming uncomfortably in my seat. And this movie didn't even have any candle wax-pouring rape scenes in it. Might as well have.

Steve Buscemi was funny. The ending had its moments. John Cusack was Igor, so it was pretty boring. It was like they were trying to do the whole "Choose the Right" thing by showing your kids all the wrong $hit that you're NOT supposed to do. Well, you know how that works. Hmmm...I wonder what they're going to focus on?

Lucky for us, the movie went way over Kahia and Kawai's heads, so they somehow enjoyed the movie. I didn't, but they did, so lose-win, I guess. I give this movie two hours of Japanese Manga goat-bleating candle-wax hairy-pu$$y-censoring porn, which is about how disturbing I found this movie to actually be...

DON'T WATCH THIS MOVIE UNTIL YOUR KIDS ARE 69 YEARS OLD!!!